Another Fight I guess...I just want to LIVE

thanks so much to , , , and

lonely_sapphire

for reacting to my previous post; blessings and hugs to you girls thank you!

I was sleeping sort of quietly ,maybe not so ,I can t remember my dream or what happen, but I woke up suddenly and my head was turning, feeling very dizzy,the whole room around me was turning!
I swear I have never had that kind of panic attack!

I dont know what happened to me, I just felt so awful
It was so dark in the room because the fucking alarm radio clock had been switch off ,it was so scary not to focuse, to be like on some awful caroussel you know
sincerely I love caroussels for aesthetics and metaphore but I am way too emotive and hyper sensitive to go on something that turns :D

so the panic attack began wildly and violently, eating me totally.
I haven t had this since august 13 ,2004 and I know the date because I had to go to emergency hospital...this time too I had to go to emergency room but in the middle of the night,so bad!!

but I was acting like a mad girl
I hate this
I am sane, I love playing with words and love sweet madness, but I'm perfectly sane in spite of being a strange little fae.
I am stable, I am no more manic depressive, I have recovered and I had fought for years fucking anxiety disorder and now out of the blue it s fucking back and Goddess knows why???

yes I want to KNOW why
That pisses me off, I am angry at myself
what did I do?
what did I hide to myself?
what are these repressed thoughts that causes this blowing fuse!????
for those who know panic attacks, it s like the image of the hen who's off with her head and go on running

I was feeling I was dying really, could not breath, fainted so bad, and drench myself entirely with cold water, like a mad girl, and almost wanted to throw myself by the window
ahhahaha
now I laugh, but I just slowly feel better

I still have the sensation of not being align in space...how to put that...I feel still dizzy
ok lack of sleep probably
but I had 1,96g of sugar in blood when they tested my blood at hospital, hope it was because I ate lots of sugar to feel better thinking I was fainting because of this.

what's wrong with my brain God?
I guess if I were closer to God as I used to be I would not be that scared I would pray and feel better, I don't know...
I will need a nap
tried to phone my doctor to have an appointed before the one I already have for next week but alas it's complete
I will see at the chemistry if I can have some meds( homeopathy) they wont fucking drug me I am sane
I am stable
I love this life and I have no problems except worries of money and such
I have worries like everyone else maybe I should write a list in my diary to vent
not to hide everything and do as if it was alright
maybe I need to scream and swear
Oh Goddess I swear already so much

strange experience
I am alive though so I'm glad, just still nervous and worried
I know I need sport I will try to exercise alone today and maybe I will also try some yoga today in my room
I know I need these things in my life to feel fine

There is no real important or shocking reason for this sudden panic attack so I hope it can be cured quickly and I ll be fine again and not have to go again in another battle against my body, or this brain of mine

I almost want to cry inside because I swear I have fought already enough to be the me I am and I was proud of this, I was proud I had taken the control back, It's all fucked up

I can't bear the winter time, I can t bear the darkness around at all
I hate this
I hate to see it s what 5 o clock in the evening and it s dark already I can t bear this
Maybe I need t buy those lamps
what makes me feel still anxious now is that seb wants to go meet his parents , leave for two night with the cats, but alone here and yes two nights

I am a big girl yes I know, I am not stupid dependent and all, I have made, I can make it again, I am just so scared to feel this again, I can't

I never had the turning room thing in my panic attack,if someone knows anything about this, tell me, I wont take antianxylitic
because I ll get dependent, I m fragile
I would easily use crutches to live if they make me feel good and safe
I guess I love this life but I am still kind of scared of, of all the darkness, the worse things that can happen

no halloween for me
laughing
I feel bad
well in France we dont celebrate halloween
I have to have breakfast now ,take a shower, it ll give me some comfort and then I'll see at the chemistry what they can give me

if I m alright the whole day and can sleep well tonight then I will maybe just go to my parents when seb leaves
I'd rather not be alone I dont know...maybe I should
oh God
I need to take the control back
I can help other souls why couldn't I help mine

well honestly I had forgotten how awful anxiety disorder could be, sad :(((
I thought I would never had to live that again...
well I am stupid because some people live so much worse things, I should relativise

I will try, I m trying, just that everything looks different today for me
I will surely have a nap after lunch
I had to cancel my English class sadly :((
I give an english class to a little student, but I am way too far from myself now

I guess I need to paint this today, hope it'll help
maybe I also will need to let go some emotions

the sky is so blue, I will also phone my dear mom, I need to talk to her

free hugs for you all( yes yes I need them too)

merci beaucoup for having been there and sending empathy energies towards, I am grateful

Rinse & Soar

Thank Goddess I didn't blog on thursday, was feeling like shit!





I was crying and took pictures to use this as therapy.
I cry useful :D ahah





that one is called rinse and soar and it's my fav of the sad series.







so I'm back from Disneyland Paris, yes guys haven't been to California though it would have been so great!!!

It was a real nice trip though we had to wake up early & go to bed late :D
I was drained!
But we laughed and enjoyed ourselves very much:-)
you can see more pictures at my flickr but hey no artsy ones,just snapshots, I think we had better things to do that think how to take a real good pictures:P

It was really cool to let go and forget worries,just have fun:)
I also bought myself a so cool Nightmare before xmas hoody and tshirt ( ok that was not a good idea for my money worries but they can go to hell! I wanted fun and I can treat myself once in a while!!! :P)

I look like a 16 years old rebel teen wearing these mwhahahaha but I love it!!
^_^

yes I'm sort of a Tim Burton's fan, I love his work much:)







this for Illustration Friday
Inspiration are Tori amos mixed with an interpretation of tricks or treats in a larger sense:-)
Because I know Life's tricks:P

in the background it is written: Give me life give me pain give me myself again
as a reference to another tori song;)
and the title : just give me sugar (from the sugar song)

yeeah give me sugar ^______^

I love the colors in this painting,used to be my fav kind of palette because it's gothic full of poetic moving melancholly

but this painting is not melanchollic!
in the heart it's written:
Tricks or Treats Of Life
on the left: solitude,distance, pain,mood swings,rainy days...
on the right: You,you, you, you, you... all the you's I love:-)


on the jack in the box it's written unpredicted bliss
we never know what will come out of the box ;)

that makes me think of the so cute forest gump quote:

"life's like a chocolate box,we never know what we'll come across"
I love it when seb says this quote :D sooo cute ^__^

I would say:

Life is like a jack in the box unpredictible scary whimsey and colorful!

mich from at virtual circleasked us this question:

Can you accept a happy life?

I think it's a very serious and interesting question a lot of people should stop and ask themselves for real.

Because many makes the same choice,same mistakes,they don't come out of the vicious circle or don't attempt to break the habits and try to evolve try to dare and change!

I know what it is because I have been there.

I have asked myself if I could handle a happy life and I think I have found myself answering no much more than why not;)


I think I had that big fear of Bliss, or rather a boring happiness, all planned, he loves me I love him, routine, babies,life,jobs, lalala

I was scared of routine, of the same, of belonging,of being like them or rejecting something
But finally I did not reject anything
I could find a way to sort of belong and also be myself, different and another kind of outsider ^__^


so now Yes I can accept a Happy life!
I most of the time feel blessed to be alive and loved for who I am.
I feel blessed to be the witness of beauty in humanity, for feeling empathy, for being able to share and inspire other lovely souls.

It's big ,all this has big meaning to me!

I've just had a big low and yes I can cry but I really always love this life!
I would not change it at all.
I am constantly learning and growing and I know sometimes I'm struggling and sometimes I want to give up give in and I feel stuck or blah verging hopelessness
but I still stand up
chin up

Hey that does not mean you don't need to hug me and solace me anytime I cry and feel so bad okay:P
But yes I know it'll always get better, everything is moving, a new shape, a new color, depending on the light, on the seasons ,the mood and so forth...


Have I totally healed my Past?
I don't know is my only sincere answer.

psychanalyse would be good if I could afford it.
but art therapy is the best for me right now:-)
"
Hold your own cup high toward the waters of life and dare to fill it completely.

Imagine the possibility of unlimited love, joy, and wisdom pouring into your heart.

This may be it time for spiritual initiation or purification in your life.

Believe in miracles, and follow your dreams.
"says Mich

I love this. I believe in this.
I think as seasonal beings we need to let our leaves shed to grow new branches and new buds for new flowers...
there is still so much more Joy to come!

We cannot constantly feel BIG passion, enthusiasm, Bliss just because it demands quite a lot of energy,wisdom and self control because yes Bliss makes the emotional souls feel very moved...like sometimes it's too much!

I hate it when I say so.
but I just utter it innocently.
"it's too much...do I deserve this?"

ok next time I feel a wave of wonderful bliss I will just let it drown me whole ^__^
after all it's never too much when it's made of honesty & soul beauty.

I'm so ready for my new life to begin!
My wish is only this then!
Bring it on!
make it happen!
we're struggling for this!hoping for this!searching for this!

we need a new apartment asap, we need a secure cool graphist employment for seb and maybe a daily job for me as I'll begin my own art business.
we need to think of less money worries so we can begin to think:
Hey why not trying for a baby today ^____^

yessss I'm scared of pregnancy but I see myself, this yearning to love and take care of others

I often see myself listening to others, trying to cheer them up,sending good energies,being of little help,sending smiles,reading,supporting...

I don't do this for recognition.
I don't do this to have a better image of me.
I sometimes think I do this to serve God/Goddess in a way but I'm not religious & it sounds ridiculous for me who haven t been baptised and all.

so I guess I do this because I am a mother.
It's inside of me.
It's one my reasons to live in a way, well it gives sense to things to me, the sharing, the connecting, the understanding...
I love to see that in others too,it warms my heart.





and Marylin Manson version ^_^

Art my Sweet Solace

Here is my mixed media painting for Illustration Friday: Grow
written in silver:
Seasons change & it s the same in my soul garden
I sometimes find myself dwelling longer in the Rock Garden
I know I have to face the Darkness in me to keep growing the flowers of light of my Soul...

I really think and prove art is best consolation ^_^
and of course my love's hug and understanding & my dearest friends acceptance and support!
you're wonderful you all!
Jen I love you <3<3<3<3<3
thank you so much for supporting me ,for loving my work and for your purchase.
Truly made my day/night ^___^yay!

“Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin.”
tori amos

I always think that yes some people get bored or don't want to see your darkness, they prefer to see/meet you when the sunshine in your soul garden, but true friends are always welcoming and accepting:-)

and for the fun, some survey and quizz:

Couples survey!
1. Who eats more?
him I guess, I am very greedy one but seb is devouroUUsssSS one especially when he cook veggie lasagna or go buy some delicious pastries ^_^
we're French Yay( rarely chauvinistic so I allow myself this once in a while haha ^_^


2. Who said "I love you" first?
maybe me in a poem? but we both can't remember so maybe it was him, I had difficulty to utter this sentence ahah;)

3. Who is the morning person?
seb of course he wakes up so early sometimes, I dont understand, but hey I am not that lazy:P I sometimes wake up first just rarely:D
I love my bed warmth:)


4. Who sings better?
me I guess, haven't you seen my youtube ( laughing) well I sing under the shower,seb is much fun and adorable when he sings ;)

5. Who's older?
what's that question???:P meanie survey:P me ooops :P
really I don't mind,we have 4 years difference.


6. Who's smarter?
Me ^_^of course :P
kidding, I don't know depends on what you define by smart;)

7. Whose temper is worse?

Mine obviously I am a wicked witch
8. Who does the laundry?
me :P yes a Witch can do that too;)

9. Who does the dishes?
mean the washing of dishes? seb mostly and even more in winter because my hands hurt:( and also because I'm an haughty artist, what???my precious hands
they cannot be used that dirty degrading way:D
laughing
I loathe washing dishes:P
I want a machine who does it for me for xmas we got a deal Santa?;)

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
me why?
does that mean something?
anyways, I just sleep where it closer to the wall, so anytime we move bed to change the room appearance I change to be closer to the wall, I need that
neurosis I guess ahah =^_^=

11. Whose feet are bigger?
seb ahahaha he is Big foot ^_________^and hobbits kind of feet ahahahah ;o)

12. Whose hair is longer?
mine

13. Who's better with the computer?
it depends, most of the time seb is but sometimes I do surprise myself wow wow I'm a geek is that possible!!!o___O
well seb knows coding and creating website and many softwares better than I do.

14. Do you have pets?
Yes :-) we both love animals:) later when we have money and a house we'll have more animals, birds in the garden,we'll create bird houses,we'll have fishes too,maybe other things we'll see:)


15. Who pays the bills?
it s complicated, we're both poor and not really independent we live thanks to the state.but we both share bills.

16. Who cooks dinner?
b oth, I cook, seb rmostly prepare dinner not real cooking you see
but when he cooks it's delicious!!!!<3<3<3
he is a chef ;) and I think there is nothing better than a guy who cooks for his little darling<3


17. Who drives when you are together?
Me :P
love driving but bothers me to be the taxi driver since too many years now, seb has his license but no insurance, too expensive!we can't afford it!


18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?
it depends, I love to when I can :)
mostly it's seb because I rarely have money and I don't have a credit card, haven't had any since 2003 ;)

19. Who's the most stubborn?
both:P ok maybe me... I dont know!


20. Who is the first one to admit when they're wrong?
me :-) seb loves being right :P


21. Whose family do you see more?
Mine :D not my fault if my Parents are So Cool =^_____^=
seb's family is very different from mine and I don't feel home like in a family I am welcomed in I dont know
It's better than in the beginning but we're not verging any closeness.

22. Who named your pet?
we named Takun together but it's seb who found the name and I agreed and for Mayu it's me who chose but seb agreed:-)
we still don't know if we'll keep her, I want to!! I want to!
It's so warm and lovely to have two feline companions:-)
I love the life they create at home:)


23. Who kissed who first?
Him but I waited hours and hours, a whole with GREEN light written on my forehead, come on!!!! can't you see in my eyes!!! are you going to hold my hand? kiss me now????o____O
then at about 2:00 I began to be damn bored and he jumped at me ahahha :)
we just kissed, seb was so sweetly shy <3
It was a beautiful passionate and so wanted first kiss!


24. Who asked who out?
none we just decided it was the beginning of a love story,no engagement, just having fun and loving:-)
I was not serious at first because I had just broken up with my ex a month ago.just wanted to love:)
and I then madly fell in love <3 and wanted engagement and all ahah;)


25. Who stole question 25?
?

26. Who's more sensitive?
me of course:P seb is a cold heart :P kidding, he's not much expressive, but he would be moved at little bird crashed by a car.

27. Who's taller?
him, he is 1m85 and I am 1m70

28. Who has more friends?
I don' t know, he has more friends in France that he can meet for real, I have more friends around the world;)
I am closer with my friends, he is rather distant and don't need to meet them much.
I guess I kinda like it because He's mine then ;D
no really I try to tell him, hey phone your friends, ask their news etc
he just doesn't think about these things:) that's my love;)
I know he loves his friends anyways:)


29. Who has more siblings?
the same, I have two bro and a sis and he has two sis and a bro


30. Who wears the pants in the relationship?
ahahaha maybe me;) I am very authoritative but we try to take decisions together.
Yet I always want it to go my way and seb is undecided or never bothered so we're fine together ^-^
we do complete one another a lot!
I adore my sebastien <3


I don't think I'm not very competitive I think but well it's just a fun test :P

Allow me to share the Rock Garden spot with you please...

Our bodies are our gardens to which our wills are gardeners.

William Shakespeare



However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts. God will see that you do want society.

Henry David Thoreau

Gardens are not made by sitting in the shade.

Rudyard Kipling

A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life.

James Allen

Close your eyes and envision yourself entering
the colorful and fragrant gardens of your mind and heart.
What do you see?


That is the spiritual exercise of today at virtual circle by Mich.

Yes I know we have to be positive,closing our eyes and focuse on the beauties, the colorful flowers, the lovely scents under my skins, the new branches ,the magical lights, the sweet buds always growing in my heart...

But pretty please do let me talk about the rock garden, this dreary place, I need it so bad, I tried to engulf this need to vent in listening and helping others but I still have my own little blue phase to spit out...





It's what is under the skin...when you get this emotion wave, you don't really know how it happens...it's just little things, some frustrations, some time focusing on the missing parts and verging doubts again

Is this all real or all for nothing?

on time like these I think about life, time,death, and I feel scared because I grab that possibility I'm going to die...hopefully later would be better, as later as can be;)

I can scratch under my skin and I sense the remains of darkness
As I was saying to a lovely soul sun doesn't go without the rain, life without death,bliss without sorrows ,it's all ONE
united, we have to balance maybe in accepting those phases...
yeah no fun that's why I'm complaining here today =^____^=

so there is a small alley to that garden it's kind of a charcoal mollasses alley so when you walk barefoot like I love to( Yes not now fuck the weather!!! so damn cold I am freezing cold and yes I need to complain about this too:p)
Because the weather gives me pain, I have raynaud disease and so my fingers get achy,itchy and swollen in the cold seasons and it gets me all grumpy!!

Because Yes I NEED my hands! and right now I am wearing a glove at least at the right hand because it can not warm up :((( its dying it seems eeeek)

okok I know some people have worse disease and my little suffering is cat peepee but hey I just need to vent, it's frustrating that's all...

I will soon crawl under emails and everyone will think I am a bad friend and don't give a damn about them because I can't reply much,I type thanks to a pencils on the keyboard to rest my swollen bent fingers:((

(poor helenina you're so boring)
Let's go back to the garden will you?

there is a very old dead oak,it's huge black and dead scary
kind of like in snowwhite
it looks like a sad angry face:P
But I'm not scared I'm trying to be numb:P


then of course rocks everywhere, the sky is grey, there are big dark clouds, don't mess with them for if they rain on you they might curse you for a while ^___^ahah

you can see ravens and grinning bats
a place for Halloween...
I hang out there with Jack skellington,he sometimes tries to cheer me up...
but he also tells me everytime" you have to draw these characters,you're own characters so they'll cheer you better than I can"

I am thinking of it Jack thinking of it...

I thank everyone who reads my words, who loves me for me, I thank everyone who takes time for their comments, really it always makes me smile and please me to know I can inspire,do something good in spite of it all...
thank you for your kindness and friendship means so much to me!
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy: They are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust

this quote is for you!

Some of you have that magical power to make grow some special roses in my rock garden, doesn't last but it's lovely this power you have with your unconditionnal friendship!
that what is rare
dont call me idealist you who don't believe in true friends anymore!

I do believe in unconditionnal love, because I do give it.

we all have failures anyways so if there were always strings attached it would be so boring!
and I am here for FUN!
Let's go Glamour bombing this greyness aaaaaaaargh

(...) I am thinking.

I hate to dwell too long in the rock garden, but well I'm just there to tidy the mess I left...
a bit muddy but it can overflood in my soul garden, the sweeter one if I deny it so I'm just here for a walk and showing you around.



all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.

Dale Carnegie

Love that quote,so true
I know what made me go back to the rock Garden, the feeling of being useless,of doubting,of being poor
yes she has internet computer a car a home how can she say she's poor...
screw those assumptions,please...
I am aware there are poorer than we are.
I don't deny my luck.
But I don't deny that sometimes yes it pisses me off, I don't really need money what I need is to feel independent,less ashamed of living on survival mode financially
I don't need to buy much, I just want to stop being on allocation( kind of welfare).

I can't wait for this!
I can't wait to just handle it all alone,if only my love could find a job, if only we could find this apartment and be in a city where things are more alive,more dynamic...

oh God!

I want to go back to bed and eat lots of yummy chocolate before silly movies,love comedies, or I dont adam sandler or ben stiller come and save meeeeeeeee!
(laughing drama queen o_____O)

I'm so bad company and it's been like this since friday:P
I'm smiling and laughing at times Hey I am not depressed!

I strangle anyone who would dare call me like that:P
I dare you!
(kidding)
just that I've got the bluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuues

maybe I should vlog singing the blues with my silliness who knows
I am way too ugly today:P

so yes I caught myself dreaming of magical rose garden at the horizon and forget the one nearby or inside of me...
so cruel,so stupid...

I just wish things were easier.
where is my happy face gone???
if you find it send it back to me!!!!

one week ago I was so BLESSED really, on the verge of tears moved by all the love I receive, all the beauty in my life,how can I deny this now???

NO
Of course not.

don't deny it.
Just focuse on the dark roots, the rock garden and the places that wants some lights, the broken parts...

I also think sometimes it's an ego problem and that I don't feel that loved and cared about?
and the second after I know it's not that because whatever the comments and kind emails I could receive I am drenched in that MOOD right now.

why questionning everything after all?

It's just a meandering in the rock garden, maybe to remember what was, to remember all the things I still have to work out, to improve, to heal?

perhaps.

Is it just loneliness?
I sometimes feel awfully selfish, I miss receiving letters in my letter box,real paper things you know, with ink...but then I know I have some letters at home which need a reply and I am here begging when I don't even find the time to write back.
silly me!
off with my head!


This morning something truly cheered me up, takun and Mayu were like hugging one another on seb's lap and Mayu licked Takun
:o)
crazy but so sweet!
and yesterday she cheered me up again when I played with her because she's totally crazy like me =^__^=

I love her, I really don't know if I'll be able to part with her even if seb still says it s not sensible, we can't afford two cats...
I don't want to feel guilty about this...

I am happy to have two kitties and to have my sebastien ^_^
I think that for whoever who feels really blue pets are wonderful companions
especially cats, they are fairies best friends they are understanding,funny ,cuddly(not always for Takun but with a lil help ' come here you furry ball :D mwahaahaha it works;)

sighs...
My soul garden is feeling the season change so my big sensitivity make me feel a little wave of mood swings
sorry if I am not the greatest friend lately...

sighs...

When I am like that I remain open like waiting
I know things won't stand still and I won't remain all alone in the cold mist of the rock garden! no way!
there will be zephyrs, rainbows which will make me swirl out of this!

and if it's not you, you or you ,it will be Me!
I can find the way out always,it's me who dragged myself there!

as I am talking/venting I see paintings in my mind
wish they could just appear before me but hell no I need the pleasure!
the discovery
the soothing consolation of the paper ,paint and brush alchemic completion( is that English?)
It is WHAT I need right now...


Maybe I am fussing around, worrying for some things I don't have much power about.
I am working, searching for apartment ,phoning etc and seb is searching for a job
what else can be done?

I am also putting lots of ads to do some little jobs...
Do you want me to come do your ironing?

(laughing)
I can do that pretty well though I never do it, seb and I aren't fussy about perfect straight shirts and pants mwahahahhahaha we don't give a damn ^___^





those pictures of stéphanie I recently edited go well with my current mood.
But I don't want to cry, just need to express the emotions without that boring and waste of energy that are tears.

During depression I used to cry so much Oh MY!
I mean I am quite sure I have cried enough for years now, so now I would only shed a tears for bliss and love but I know of course the serious things that could make me cry but it won't happen now so do give me rest and some serenity!

I want to cry in painting
I want to reconnect my souls to my broken soul sisters, who surely experience worse pain than I do right now.
Of course no pain except the achy fingers, I am fine =^_^=

so... what do I see...

I see waste lands.arid planes.some wells of memories not to throw coins for wishes at all...
but when I scream there the echo back is hard to bear.
I see pieces of inner war.
ruins.

the only flowers there are thistles, I love their colors...

wish I could see the other parts of my Garden...I know it's the balance...
I know I can make it again ,reconnect and say to myself it's ok you're not perfect
it's ok you're not making a wages now
It's not as if you were not doing anything and living in idleness.
I have to make grow a hedge or wild roses to join both parts of my soul garden...but yes of course you will certainly find me wondering there once in a while...I'm living according to seasons and though I have learnt to love them all and see each of their different beauty ,I can't wait for Springtime :D( well well not sure helenina springtime means turning 29, very tragic sighs, I am not ready for that, give me my 10 years old springtime God!!!!!!!)



I did this picture of Mady and cassandre( sisters) to portray the violence of women between them.
It's so awful and so sad to witness this.
It's so amazing how much energy some women can find to dishonour another one!
such a waste of time...


click to see it bigger;)

this painting is called "you're not alone anymore"
I was feeling great on the 6/7 october when I did it.
I was feeling so complete with my different personas, at peace and not alone really.
I was loved inside out.
by me,by others.

I still am but you know sometimes you get emotional and lonely and wonder if people still care about you.
It happens that I worry not as much as before :P ahah

so yes this little doll is not alone anymore, come what may she has her super voodoo dolls to protect and save her anytime she needs :-)
it s true I am not alone even when I think I am.
It just requires a bit of an effort to bend on the brighter side and share and love and give again and smile in the mirror sing and dance and the shadows will disappear as they arrived :P



title: Ici et maintenant, which means here and Now

this is a very Carpediem positive vibes filled painting ^_^and I love it
her face is not very pretty but the colors are yummy and elegant & I love the bits of the message of this painting:

"This is Here and Now that you Become Yourself Here & Now that you take the decision to Live & Love
I want you to Remember the Reasons to be Beautiful & sprinkle this Unique Fairy dust of your Soul"

okay Madame! ( pouts at herself) I will try if I can catch some fairy dust left around...


another cutie pie, yes it's a self portrait( laughing at me) mwhahhahhahaha

nevermind your mean mocking Adah(note for those who don't know her she's part of my personality ^___^;;) I still love it :P

it was my lovely idea of Happiness
I loathe the word happiness doesn't mean anything much to me, dont believe in absolute happiness , I don't know,it's something silly to me...
so whenever I am asked what s your idea of Happiness I find myself short of words...a bit mute

I don't believe in Happiness.

There is to me a huge difference between Happiness and Bliss
not necessarily religious, maybe Happiness is more religious, like find happiness do good and God will give it back to you!
don't surely agree as like tori amos says:


“You know that saying, bad things don’t happen to good people?. That’s a lie.”(tori amos)

of course when I remember the poor ginger kitty's pain, God he was just a tiny animal ,innocent and sweet.
I think of those people who torture,hurt,abuse animals, may they be pets or endangered species or even the animals we eat(I am neo veggie eat fish but Rarely other animals)the way they can be treated sometimes or the unhuman way they can be killed to be better food, that's not right!

but it could be called hypocrite to say so as I won't go vegan.
It's an extremism I don't fancy much,I can understand.
I do love animals very much.
but I welcome everyone whatever their diet is.

But to come back to torture on animals I am sure those people curse their karma and they will have to grow through these things they've done, they will live it too so I truly pity them.



title:Can you decipher my own voice in the din

just me talking to you, to them, to my love, to God, to Goddess ,to whoever is watching, reading,listening and hearing my soul...


so many people speak, so many beauties,so many artists, so many talents, so many things to love to do to share, so little time, so hard to find a style, to feel unique, to show you are different...
sometimes it feels like people admire so many people that you wonder if your own voice can be heard, if you are a real artist too, if you are as interesting as other, all the things you can be...
I was wondering.

I do believe in my uniqueness. no worries with that.
I hope you feel it too ;)
the words written in gold on it are:

"For goddess sake don't let anyone tell you that you're not enough
there will always be someone out there to try to ruin your poetic terrorism
who are they to tell you who or what you are
When you have time to find other's fault
it means that you haven t yet made peace with yourself
and I am sorry for you"




here is my Ode à la petite Muse Cordelia

cordayrox at youtube

Cordelia is an inspiring sweetness and I'm very happy I found her:)
I am quite sure she must inspire and make smile a lot of person and it's great for her ^_^
I wanted to paint her and without a real photo of her with her face that way it was rather difficult but I'm rather glad of the result:-)
she is a musical mermaid princess :)
and I thank her for being a little Muse :)


just a cute postcard


another art postcard


Lately I saw that again, Lack of Respect of people for Gaia

I was in my car coming back from errands and a man quietly throw a wrapping paper by his window and on purpose because the paper sort of wanting to come back in and he had to put his hand more outside...I was like that o______O

I didn't do anything
but I was angry.
I was bothering quiet even tempered sebastien about it
"look the man!!!! I cant believe this I can't believe this!!!!"
God I should have walked out of my car put the warnings ,go fetch that damn wrapping and knock knock on his window and say:
"sorry but seems like you've forgotten something, what do you tell to your children that they can throw rubbish everywhere and that if everyone would do that we would happily swim in rubbish lands? would you enjoy to find before your door or in your garden many wrapping paper like that???"

God I would have thrown some evil spells like that mwahgahahhhaha
wrapping paper falling in the chimney, in the garage, in his trunk when he opens it mwahahhahahah, under his pillow, in the bathroom

these people need some education for Goddess'sake
and call me psycho for Environment,say that it's nothing at all
I dont agree!
It's the roots, the beginning
It bothers me to witness this because I can't believe this lack of respect of people.
I just don't understand this.

whatever.
all I can do from now is walk out with a dirt bag to collect all the things people throw on the ground.

It's all linked to a lack of a care,a lack of love and a lack of awareness,such egocentrism in individualism...



and this my fav last painting:)

My army of Poetic Terrorists
I have begun my recruiting so please do send me your resume and application and I'll see what I can do for you ;)
(smiles)

It would be so good if we'd all unite in this,in sharing poetic terrorism, in sharing empathy,good vibes, free hugs for everyone
stop envying, stop faking things, stop wanting what others have and think you don't , stop hating women because they are not like you or don't think like you do,stop being so full of yourself that your poor head can't pass the doors, poor you,stop self centeredness isolation, join my crew!
let's love, let's make others feel good, feel heard and understood
we're so alike if we want to see and acknowledge this

all unique but so similar.
we have the same worries at times, the same doubts, the same silliness, we all have our mood swings,our beauties and sparks to share...


she's got the om (aum) sign on her shirt.
there is the lotus that represents to me the sweetness of being alive and connected to other souls.It expresses purity of the soul. inner peace.
the lotus could also to me represent the anahata shakra
a lotus that can be opened or closed, ready to give, or that need to protect itself.

the fairy voodoo dolls here are Hope, love and share, but there are more of them
just that it's a 23x31cm water color paper sheet.

;)

the titled head is inviting,gentle, whenever I bend my head it's with love sweetness or with a loving sighs
looking at my cats for instance ^____^boring helenina in love with cats ^_^
well not only
I love titled head, the bending is like showing trust, offering,welcoming
I love this.

well now, maybe I could smile,tilt my head a bit,meditative and see if I can enter the flowery part of my soul garden...
let me try...
no no hard to focuse, I feel better to have written lots & shared my thoughts and feeling of the day.

I am more than my emotions of today of course.

Now I need to paint paint paint till the day I die( laughing)

my darling sebastien went to fetch some delights to eat tea, chocolate chocolate chocolate!!!
it's the only truth whenever you feel blue ^_______^
sighs, I am lucky to have an understanding lover.
He always bears with my soul and mood swings.

I guess my friends know my garden flowers and fragrances so it was perhaps interesting to show them what they can't always notice about it

warm blessings to all,thank you for being patient with busy moody me, thank you for your comments it always makes me smile & I'll cheer myself with going to Disneyland this weekend with my parents I don't pay as my cousin works there of course!
But as I never can allow some interesting going outs due to financial shit it's good to do this now :-) will be funny cool Halloween time :)

and to conclude boring me needs to promote:

Love my work/ support me:



Blessed be & namasté

Metamorphosis or just evolution of inside glowing worms?

Once upon a time,
I dreamt I was a butterfly...
Suddenly I awoke...
Now, I do not know whether I was then
a man dreaming I was a butterfly,
or whether I am now a butterfly
dreaming that I am a man.

Chuang Tzu (c.360 BC - c. 275 BC)

Mich post :
Here at virtual circle

inspired me to write, here is her question:

As you emerge from your cocoon of transformation
note your true colours. What is happening in your life right now?

I feel it's kind of weird,too many things are happening in my life right now and nothing at the same time.

I mean I receive so much from this life, I do give a lot too but sometimes I feel it's not enough.
When I think too much about society,my guilt of not making a wages, future,lack of money,seb who still hasn't found a job and our apartment search that is fruitless...

I truly wonder what tomorrow will bring for me for us...
sighs...

I know it's not as if I weren't doing anything, I'm on project, I share and promote my work, hopefully I will have comissionned, contracts and new projects!
I try to find the people to work with.


I don't think I'm the butterfly coming out of cocoon.
I feel I'm rather on a path of growth and evolution not a real transformation in the sense, that getting out of cocoon was the end of Depression.
This is where I decided to live and it was in 2005/2006...

yet I can't deny 2007 was a year of evolution, I am myself more than ever & it's a real comfort to express, to stop hiding, stop being so mistrustful, stop rejecting...

I am at peace in a way.
I know what I want, I just know it gets a little tougher when it comes about society and making money.

but yes I know all the things I want to do.

I am united, connected to others,open minded and aware, ready to listen and hear others.
I want to bring understanding and share my experiences.

all the new things I have been doing lately:

-Photography
-Photoshop

this taught me a lot,showed me potentials and kind of reassured me that I could do great things if I wanted to.
I used to repeat ok photoshop is too complicated for me and this summer I just decided to jump into it:-)

Photography helped me meet and be aware of my socialite self
I may be a loner for years and love it, that doesn't mean I can't talk and be friendly with others.

So for my photo sesssions I have met people:



Stéphanie, a very cute fairy.



then Mady and cassandre, two lovely sisters:







lately I also met Marie Laure, pictures have to be retouched, but anyways I am so busy I still have pictures to retouch of stephanie, Mady and cassandre and now Marie laure :)



too much and too little time on the computer as right now we only have one computer, the other broke.

I also met Isabelle



She is a new mixed media artist who lives nearby( about 45 min or so)
we had our arguement and misunderstandings at first but we've found a way to get along and make our friendship work :)

she kinly agrees to pose for me ^_^ it was nice
she also shared with me her tips to create a mixed media house



this is the first part of it, I have only done the structure of the building with Isabelle, now have to decorate each parts;)
It is much fun, thank you Isa for sharing with me







she also offered me all these cuteness, she knew I loved owls so she put one on the scrap page and she sewed one for me, so lovely!
I was super happy ^____^

you can see Isa's work there:

HERE
she is beginning in mixed media and your kind comments will be welcome ^_^

Oh and yesterday at her blog there was some kind of comments, the kind of comments we of course should ignore but I want to come back on it a little for those who get hurt by these people.


The one who deliberatly need to shit on your Bliss because it prevents them from breathing, I guess frustrations, envy and jealousy chocke these poor souls.

sighs.

I find it hard to understand sometimes why people need to be negative?
you take pictures of yourself, you are narcissistic and basta!
you are happy to share pictures of you because for once you think you don't look too bad and you are megalo
burn the witch!

It's so tiring!
I mean, ignore this guys!
you have the right to be beautiful and show it ,acknowledge it
who says you couldn't enjoy feeling pretty?
who says it was bad to love oneself?

I laugh at this in my last vlog when I talk about my painting" they will hate you for your beauty and your bliss"
I laugh when I say the word narcissistic because I won't deny that I am ;P

It's so good to love oneself,it's the key to balance, to loving others, to being peaceful and at ease, to feel you belong, you have things to give because you know you are unique.

I wish I had more time to write about this. about everything but have to do chores :(((
what a life!


another pics of Isa



my Mayu and I :)
she makes me feel so fine :)




I am feeling rather like this today, kind of melancholly,tired,moody,worried,stressed...

anxiety was back a little lately.
I'm sometimes afraid of the choices I make.

I will talk art a little more if I can. I need to blog, I'm feeling frustrated of this lack of time.
My feet are frozen cold, I hate the cold!

I'm quarelling a lot with seb since we have two cats which is not fun at all:P

I love him he loves me but we aren't agree and it doesn't work when he always wants to be right :P

well the sky is so white,it doesn't help
I need to finish my mixed media house ,send packages to some girls, and I do feel bad because I am late, so sorry Tia, you must think I'm fucking unreliable :P

I'm just really busy,sincerely and in spite of this I still do offer a lot of my time to others so I'm doing well :P

free hugs to anyone who wants, I need them too ahah

pieces of my life, heart, philosophies etc.

Ginger has been adopted this morning he will be fine and happy and loved :-)









I have so much to share but no time right now
so little for now, I hope to be able to write more tomorrow
Enjoy my vlog ;)

Blessed be & namasté***

Deep wrath of sekmet

I'm still very moved and nervous.
I try to keep cool, to quiet my emotions to be useful and do the right things and not get swallowed up by evil...

This morning I woke up things were nice, emails, sweet hugs of sebastien, la vie est belle...and then I go to the restroom and I hear my neighbours I think it's the one who have a garden.
I know I can't see and so I don't have any proofs but I arrived here they seem to have a dog and they were rather VIOLENT with that creature!
I don't like dogs much to be honest but hearing violence on any kind of animals make me grow fangs and I'm ready to do anything!!

so I hear they were sort of pushing a cat, they didn't sound very nice to it.
I was wondering what was happening and intuition made me feel bad and I heard a violent shock and I saw the image in my head and I was shaking I thought
OH my god they couldn't have really throw a cat like that????

I was very shocked and shaking from all my body, I began to yell I open the window and I shouted violent words at these Fucking unhuman people because Yes I don't have any fucking respect for that kind of individual...

I was deeply enraged!
I'm like a cat mother you know and in general in My life I am a mother!
I am a protector of souls and a caring woman and I just can not stand violence on anyone, it really hurt me, shock me...and I kind of know violence because I have sort of lived it at home with alexis...

I insulted those people because I was so powerless and angry and the evil act had been done, and I saw the poor cute kitty
I have tears in my eyes telling you this because it's been weeks I am feeding these kitties and trying to find them a home



it's him ,the cute little ginger one
God he was bleeding from its nose and being all so shaken, so troubled, I cant find the words, but he was all in shock and so sad
I tried to talk to him sweetly to make him come closer so I could pick him

he was so very heartbroken to see.
I had tears in my eyes, I was so moved!
I wanted seb to phone a vet or something but you know it's sunday and urgency vet will be quite expensive so we will go there tomorrow morning first hour.

I do hope he will be fine I hope we can save him
His little sister the black one my fav kitty:



just came to see what was happening
OH Goddess ! I was so reassured that she was all ok
I would have been ready to put fire on their houses...

Ok It's just words obviously I am not that violent but oh I hope my negative energies towards them will do something, what goes around comes around!
we can not just have compassion for fucking individual who can not behave humanly???
we can not forgive that! or maybe after they are sorry for what they've done and healed because they seriously need a doctor to take care of their problems!

I finally caught the ginger kitty and clean his nose with coton etc
then I asked seb we could not let them outside now,that it couldn t happen again! I could not let them alone when I have seen that that kind of people do exist alas...

seb kindly agreed, he is my sweetheart and he is an animal lover like me!
and so yes we took them both, I cleaned them both ahah it was funny
but we have Takun (and he might get hugely jealous so we put them in the only room : the bathroom)
so it s a small place
and yes I know bathroom should be a clean place and all and ok kitties are dirty sometimes etc

the little ginger got diarrhea aaaaaargh poor me
but at least I could clean him with hot water and soap and they both let me do, they were sweet so now they smell good :)

I am very very worried ,do you think he could be very bad???
I know it s not good for kitty to have diarrhea
I gave them kitty food and water.
I put a cloth so they can sleep on it and lots of newspaper everywhere.
I still could have a shower in spite of the mess ahah :-)
but now seb has problem to go the restroom (laughing)

I also create a small litter for them with a photo bath if you see what I mean it s a little rectangle to put product to developpe photo, my father gave me this once, sorry dad now it s a kitty litter, I try to do things how I can afford
I will of course have to clean a lot after them, but at least they smell good and the black one purred :)

the ginger one tried to play a tiny bit but he is still in shock and his eyes
It's very very heartbreaking because you can see in his eyes how hopeless how hurt he is as if he had seen it all of HUman beings cruelty...I try to tell him they aren t all like that, to reassure him

Hope he will live, I will be so hurt if he dies...
I dont know maybe it s only his nose that is bleeding, hopefully he will be fine, oh please God!!!

so today will be very VERY busy with two kitties in the tiny bathroom/restroom place but I will do all I can now to make them be fine and find a shelter or something,just quite worried they would have to kill them in shelters if they aren t adopted after some weeks?

and kitties in cages is tooo sad

so well, that's my sad story, and my anger is big, if I meet my neighbours though I cant see their face and know its them but really I will have to be quiet and find peace in my heart
The most important now is to be good to the kitties.

so guys I wont answer emails and such, be patient with me ok

LOve you all, send good vibes to ginger please!

my first vlog for those who haven't seen it yet ;)

Hey you're welcome to laugh at my silliness but don't be cruel ^_^it's no good for your soul :P

had a very busy day and all this week will be busy, so bear with me if I don't have much time to offer, I try as much as I can sincerely:)

Blessings ,goodnight everyone, lots of smiles for you***

Open

This is my artwork contribution for illustration Friday.
the theme is Open

I was thinking about Big Freedom, my tolerance improvement, my welcoming and accepting everyone as they are( even the cunt we can't help this!)
so the title of this painting is Come As You Are.

it's written in the background:
come as you are with your book of Pain & your broken pages I won't ask you to change
Come as you are get drunk of sweet madness elixirs
& find your wings You have the right to be free

I love cordelia!

you all have to see my interview of her if not done yet:
Cordelia's interview

She really made my day with her cute video!^_______^ how funny cute to hear your name with accent but I know Deroubaix is strange and must look difficult to pronounce.
I love being spontaneous when people really touch my heart and I feel good vibes ^_^
It makes life sweeter and prettier:-)

Cordelia is the daughter, sister & friend everyone would like to have!
I hope she'll be happy always!
just wanted to say that this morning!

Blessings***
you can also read my other interview at humana maelstrom the latest one is another lovely British artist :Lara Jade.

The wings of Aphrodite

This is love:
to fly toward a secret sky,
to cause a hundred veils
to fall each moment.
First, to let go of life.
Finally, to take a step
without feet.
Rumi

Fill my heart with Love,
that my every teardrop
may become a star.
Hazrat Inayat Khan





"It is a very good practice to stand up with arms reaching toward the heavens in the shape of a chalice.

Imagine you are being filled with the elixir of divine love.

Let the radiant light of Aphrodite pour into your heart.

You will find that people cannot resist you, for the joy that emanates from your loving demeanor is both healing and contagious.

Light a candle in your home symbolising the purity of love you wish to share with the world.



How do you dare to be the rapturous beauty
that lives within your heart?"

here was Mich question at virtual circle

I loved that post.
Love is my path. My essence. My engine.My booster.My focuse. My air.My food.My favourite game.My bliss.My Treasure. My hopes. My inspiration.My life poetry.

I believe my heart is pure.
I have in the Past doubted my purity, my altruism and the fact I was good and driven by Empathy, emotions, LOve always...




there should be a poem to go with this picture called My dreams of Flowers I'll share this later:)

I dare to be me all simply.
I don't mind just being me. naked, figurative or in the soul.
I think it's my honesty.
People easily condemned things.
Like sex, like strip teasers, like erotism, like writing erotic poetry, like porn.
I think everyone should find their own happiness and peace to all!
I don't watch porn but like most people I have watched some. who hasn't raise your hand! (kidding) only for the analyzing or documentaring, trying to understand or being nosey.

I think it is good to honour Venus.To honour the Feminine. The sacred. and be fine with one's body and mind.

I am not an exhibo really ahah, I just love to use my freedom to make art.
Sometimes it's very funny that people think I am self assured.
It is so strange for me.

People easily imply things. judge hastily, they read something and put a label they dont need more.

I don't think I'm very self confident and yet I don't like to be reduced.

I dare a lot to show the light and fire within my heart, the aphrodite thanks to art, photo,writing.
I love this connection to my Feminine sensuality.

I think sensuality is poetry in its own way.
I don't mind sharing like in my last post warmer poetry.

I have written worse kind of poetry( laughing)
I think it's good to be alive, not to deny the two Maries inside of us.
The virgin and the Magdalene, we all should reunite this inside of us.

Thank you Beautiful Tori Amos, thank you me, thank you Goddesses and thank you my summer!
(laughing)
"The individual must seek to embrace the essence of love within and avoid the temptation to seek it elsewhere.

The beloved with whom we choose to share our intimate life is but a reflection of our own loving nature.

To the extent we seek love outside ourselves, we meet with disillusionment and disappointment."
this was very interesting Mich, and so true!

I have spent so many times wanting soo much from outside of me, I can sing " I m sorry to myself' by alanis M.

Now really, I won't say the Love I receive is nothing and I dont need anyone.

I just could think " that I would be good"
by alanis:


illustrated by this photo( click to see the lyrics if you dont know the song)

I am free because I am freed from others, from the need, from the wanting, from the craving, from the needing not to disapoint, from having to be as I think people want me to be( which is so silly to think that way ,people love us, they want us to be ourselves and at peace, blissful)
I dont judge those who are scared, who can't be true/entirely real or entirely themselves
I am sad for them sometimes that's all.
But I acknowledge my luck in this.

I don't need to please anybody, or speak the way they want me to be, or be this or that.
I'm living life juicy!hey you can die tomorrow live and love now!!!

Free hugs to anyone who needs them.