Oh God! will I manage to blog just once in a month?
I don't know.
The clouds are gliding in my mind
First comes the coma white in my spirit
the hands of the clock always threatening
attaching weight of guilt around my doll neck
I just want to collapse on my bed of cherries
To fly away in my nonsensical circus of dreams
The enchanting sweet funfair where colors are alive
I conceal all the question marks under the sheets
I don't want to see their grey faces
I want to swirl in poetry fields and open my arms to your silences
I'd pick flowers of semantic for thee only for thee
But the day goes in shades of grey
I eat some clouds & yawn all day
I sigh come back it is so grey
Without you my whimsical poem
without you it's not the same
Is that I feel I have nothing to say or that I cannot write down everything that I think.
I always have so much to say about any and everything just sometimes tired to speak, lazy to take the time to write.
also like this song says something are better left unsaid for who would understand me but me myself and I.
People who come with their big sandals of judgements, analyses,prejudice and such.
Everyone has their opinion on everything.
I do not mind sharing my soul.
But I keep the best for my dearest ones.
I am already so giving, so naked(yes soul and body) in my work and poetry.
I really am a dreamer and a poetic story tellers.
I breathe romantic semantic fields fresh air, I live for this somehow.
Emotions nurture me and they keep me alive oh so alive also they keep my Muse at work.
I also believe I'm a Muse for rent.
it's kinda free.
All I want back is to see more art, more love spreading,emotions,sharing,a pay it forward.
To give so people give, learn how to give again, to trust again, to remember they too can be muse and they too can do good down here.
Is it important?
Yes for how it feels.
so the pictures above are from my clown series.
Inspired by many girls who did this and especially the beautiful Elle Moss who is a lovely whimsy one of a kind inspiration.
A woman photographer so creative that I admire a lot.
Everyone wanted to know what the clown means.
so it begins like this once a upon a time, in many centuries before, a nonsensical princess fell in love with a poem that thought he was a clown...
This is surely the root of it, so she became a clown, expressing his feelings,reassuring him too that she was a clown too not such a princess.
It brought to life new branches with blossoming words thank to the magical hours of poetry and laughters.
I painted too of course, I am not totally idle while away from blog;)
click to see bigger:-)
Who can misread the Pages of Love True?
I love that one so much, I was so happy with her face style and the colors.
She looks kinda sad but her sanctuary is filled with emotions.
I think Angelyrah wants to tell the world that to love true is better than True love, but she's never sure of her own thinking.
She's forever incomplete and learning, yes kinda like me, but she's not me I am not her.
this is my Princesse of chocolate mustache,such a story,in ten years again she'll make me laugh with warmth in my heart.
Fragmented Bliss in True Devotion #158
for my one a day series that is going on till 200 and then well I don't know
I cannot be severed/I am whole, too squares for one soul,one story.
that's the question of these days sometimes:
how far can I be me how far can I be home
My dear sister of soul Chantal said all the way:-)
she must be right.
Home is in my soul so I should feel safe everywhere I go.
Do I still live in my own prison.
A lovely girl at flickr made me think today.
Are the bars of my self doubts and silly fears still preventing me to go further?
I always believe in art I creatively find ways to push the limits, to always go further, to renew but in life I am also very comforted in the same.
ok let me explain this.
I am used to my life, my pseudo comfort, I mean I'm not rich I live in a small but lovely apartment with a big bathroom so luminous and wonderful place to be:)
I enjoy the countryside everytime I go out,I keep on being so aware of this luck to be here though I am damn human beings I wish I had a house, a garden,be more secure financially,independent financially...
Maybe I'd love to have babies too.
but yes I'm a new born coward:-) I fear the consequences of having a child.
responsibilities.lack of time for me, my art and my missions( laughing)
Yes you can see me as selfish or whatever you want to interprete through my words but Goddess know I'd be so very devoted to my children, I will have them.
I don't know.
I just want to give myself to humanity for now.
my own ways.
Kinda like God in the morning above the clouds He wakes up and thinks ok right which person I'm gonna listen, grant wishes too, make smile, make feel , laugh etc today?
Ok ok come on I dont really have that megalomiac Messiah syndrome?!
I just at my own level want to do something good.
It is my path.
Something I cannot deny or do as if I'd better take care of myself first.
I do take care of myself.
It selfishly makes me happy to make another one happy.
This life is so beautiful sometimes.
I always wonder why I ache so very much at other times.
Mood swings fae child.
so how far can I be me?
I am me.
I also believe and am aware people see illusions of me, through my art,photoshop images and poetry.
This is a percent of me, or my personas, my fictions, my emotions turned into fairytales, my passion bleeding through colorful births.
I am always freer of those images of me.
I know there will always be someone to see bad or negative things in me and my behaviours,some people will always have time to waste.
I share my positive vibes, I am far from flawless but I am quite happy to be me even if yes that's true I do happen to feel like shit or empty or lost.
I know I will always have those moments when I step back into my old self universe,because she has things to teach me still.
Just like my inner wild child fae, I will never forsake her ;-)
I am nothing without her.
I am blessed I have kept her safe with me along the year, she still shines through me making me live this life the better way for me, experiencing everything with more awareness,making peace with all judgements inside my mind etc.
I still have my anxiety disorder.
I know sometimes why.
Part of that most stupid idea we have called Guilt!
Thank God, give me five!
why did you create Guilt by the way?
it s such a waste of time and energy!
so I dig some holes to collect that vain guilt feelings and I burry.
It causes me some sleepless nights.
Title:Metallic blood tears for my marble lips hammering the muddy chaos in her garden corroding the silver threads of her nightmare filled sleepless nights
and the poem to go along:
A story without air
a story without her
a story without sense
a story without doors
without ways out
Strange how your beauty is stronger than the pain
A story without me
A story with thousands I'm sorry
A story of tightrope walkers so afraid of heights
Thin line where sin lies
A story without stars
without full moon for the devil of noon
Stranger how your Light is stronger than the rain in my head
A story with no ground
A story without keys
a story with no sound
A story without words(...)
and sometimes I feel like this:
that surely makes me more like a real true human beings each day aye?
and that's me with my adorable love my so dear darling my anchor my life the one I am not sure I could live without except if he would leave me ,I'd just live in denial and pout, kidding:-)
Yes it's true I don't only love him, I adore my dearest souls, the gardeners of my heart,the precious ones I'd give anything to, they are family,friends, they mean so much to me that the only important thing to me is that they KNOW this and SEE the real me.
I won't ever look the flowers the same ways...
I truly have the best friends I've ever wanted and dreamt to have that's why I feel guilty when I cant feel alive happy and grateful though I know it s just an emotion, a phase not the person I am.
I remember the years before, where was I? who was I?
I had to wait ages.
But now It's true.
Yes not perfect, they all live miles away.
who said everything should be perfect?
I cannot imagine this life without them.
and it feels good to know they exist.
(extract of the cure love song)
the sound is crappy but I adore that version and her silly impro with the Hurt by Nin haha she's too cool :-)
The more I live the Happier I can feel it seems, yes I do feel quite sad at times too.
I could get stuck on these incapacities, lacks,blockages,powerlessness,flaws,guilt,fears,doubts and so forth but I just go on,move on.
I have my unborn babies inside of me so I always have a thousands reasons to go on.to keep loving and living and making any sorts of artworks I want to do.
I regret a little my lack of ambition ,organisation all the things that makes me feel like a loser at times, I am sorry to myself, but I try to compensate with other things.
I better live on love/emotions than money.
Yes forever hopeless romantic dreamer.
That does not mean I can't handle the real world.
I do what I have to do now, what I feel is the right alley for me.
I guess it does me good:
title: Interview Express
- helenina do you have a moment please?
-so tell me helenina have you found your smile back today?
-sure...did I lose it?(smiling mischievously)
-well you sound so very sad sometimes...
-it's just life emotions, I'm going with the flow you know(smiling pensively)
-how do you feel about all the kind messages you receive everyday?
-it feels good, I am not sure what to think though, I'm just me and sometimes strangely enough I feel I have the world on my shoulder and that I have to take care of others surely why I'm aching so bad tonight...
-Do you care at all?
-I do, I am so blessed, everyone who stop on my soul I'm quite thankful, I bless them, they help me bear my own self( laughing loud) I'm just kidding I have made peace with her now, old stories( smiling)
-But sometimes some find you agressive?
-they do? oh come on look at me ( lamb eyes ^_^)
ok ok I am sorry, blame it on my mood swings and also I get the feeling I cannot do everything that I want so I am frustrated, I really love to listen to people's stories and see how I can help, it's just that I really can not save the world...sometimes I look at me from outside and I say " come girl aren't you insane or what?"
I do spread myself too thin, leaves me energyless and grumpy, but I love human beings truly and my dearest friends so very dearly...
-you're a good soul
-they say so...but you see those teeth ( wink) it says don't cross the line...
- so how is your new life as a witch in Houdan's Dungeon?
- I like it. Look at the view so beautiful...the more I walk here the less I imagine a life in a city, I surely would die...I need nature!
-any projects ?
-well I'm trying to get more published,things like that, but this life has chosen to make me receive always more love than money so I take what life gives to me...Honestly you know what I prefer ( mischievous wink)
- okay I won't take more of your time, just a last question perhaps?
-where was it?
Laughing and waving goodbye in her silent smile...
When I do those vintage effects on my pictures I am obviously or not(laughing pathetic me) inspired by Gary Isaac's style who is a god of Photography to me.
I admire so many photographers they are a true inspiration and a blessing for the eyes that feels further the image.
I sometimes wish I'll be as good as them.
I am improving and I am soon going to buy a better camera.
Perhaps this weekend,I keep on thinking and alas I need a new a washing machine, the one we have seems broken.
Houdan(quite glad of this kinda panoramic view)
isn't it such a lovely frenchy town lost in the countryside?
That makes me want to buy a bike to ride everywhere, to ride and stop somewhere for a pic nic with my sebastien.
Perhaps we'll do that as soon as we can afford to buy bikes.
In the meantime we have nice walk outs.
I love that little summer dress, I have it since my 17 years old ;-)
(boasting off ;-)
I truly have so much more to say.
I keep on being the witness of beauty in everything, I don't have tv since we've moved it the wires have a problems it seems.
so I am awfully unaware about politics problems wars hungers and all drama or reality.
Do I miss it?
I don't know.
Yesterday feeling so bad, in physical pain I watched some dvd Dawson's creek.
I will forever adore that tv show, shamelessly.
Made me feel oh God how life flies, how lovely teen times can look sometimes but of course yes I remember the horror of it too ;-)
Yet I believe sometimes My life is like a book that has to be written,full of fantastic stories that always look so incredible, magical,one of a kind, my paper journal is made of thousands memories and remembering and also quest for more understanding, more balance, more sharing always.
My paper journal is made of all the things I don't feel like sharing here, I am blessed to be an artist and to have this life.
I just hope I can live that way much longer and that it's indeed always happier and better.
It does seem so ;)
I love it!