Blessed be Michael Jackson!Blessed be for all the years you made us Dream,Sing & dance!

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland


Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

Oh precious Emily, I cannot more agree with you dear!
You that I never met you are loved and thus immortal to me like a sister I have felt so close to.

We really have to LIVE & LOVE now.

love that video so much
so moving.

I do believe in a continuity though but still it's better to enjoy this lifetime, this experience in this body and this life to the fullest so we keep learning, growing for even greater future existences, other kind of experiences and maybe even other kind of dimension.

Death is not stopping.

I couldn't help crying, how could I?
And what for?
I am an emotional and hypersensitive person and whatever my beliefs are , death is sad.
It brings nostalgia,so many memories,a time of our life and also the fact the person won't create anymore.

And creation, art of any kind is something utterly meaningful to me.


There are those people who've somehow became associated to your childhood, your good times, the holidays in car across the country or even to Greece or Turkey with my parents and friends.
Ha! the lovely 80's and early 90's!
Loveliest time,carefree and somehow things looked realer than now maybe because of this pure feeling that we didn't need much at that time.

We knew how to be happy with what we had, then everything happened at once, and the more we got new technology and new things the more we wanted new things in every fields of our life.
That's perhaps why our era sounds so soulless.
Maybe I'm just a nostalgic or whatnot.
Maybe I'm just aging.

But is it a lie that children are lacking innocence nowadays?
everything is told to them way too early, we prevents them from dreaming longer, from enjoying this carefree time and from believing in magick, wonders and all.

Call me idealistic.I'm proud of it.
I will always believe in faeries and I am not the only one.

I feel I am so aware of the way our societies have been, we always see this.

When watching Pekin Express( a sort of real tv show about a race around Asian countries which is a very human kind of tv show according to me)we see that, how people in those poor countries are so more welcoming, how they invite people to sleep or eat in their home, while we are all barricaded in our home, to protect ourselves, we're all suffering from the ambiant stress and general mistrust because nowadays everyone can become a killer.

It does not mean I am hopeless about this world, of course not.
Just keep wishing we would all be more human.
I am often criticize on my big mouth, my being so damn frank and my expressing my anger.

But I am real and so human.
Utopia by alanis M.
this is still one of my most favourite song, because of the beauty purity and energy it has.

And I do believe that this mourning the Great Michael Jackson we are all united in this sharing of sorrow, of knowing how we're gonna miss him.

I kept for several years hoping he would do another album, something brand new!
He could have! He definetly could have blown us away once more!
He did so many times.

He made us dream, feel good, sing in car trips, laugh, dance.

I remember when I was ten years old I was deeply in love with him!
I even fell in love with a boy that to me looked kinda like him, maybe he did.
I remember he would brush his hair like Michael in songs like Billie Jean ;)

Billie Jean
I still sing out loud in my car when listening to that one I must admit!shameless!
But how not to want to dance and sway while singing that song ^_______^
it's full of a great energy!

I loved dancing listening to Michael Jackson, I loved his trick!
It should have been a shocking things but for children we often laugh at this and loved immatating him with my brother François.

we were fans.
Even my parents!
I believe especially my father, who would put up the volume whenever there was a Michael Jackson song on the radio and sing out loud.
I believe I kept that habit from my father (laughing)

I remember my girl friends at that time always told me and thought my father was so cool because he would sing Michael Jackson
But I was not close to my father at that time.
Yet when we shared this passion for M J we were together, united!

I love how Music has definetly this power to heal the world, to spread such a wonderful energy that people commune together.

Black or white

I have some tapes where I recorded my voice and my best friend of childhood D. when we were singing " Heal the world"
we were about 12/13 years old and we were just learning English,so it was cute to hear our accent!
I would love to listen to this tape now but Modern world I don't have any tape players anymore but in the car, then it means I'll have to throw away memories?

These memories were precious to me.
There are on these tapes the moments of the unique time of my life when I still loved my younger bro when he was a baby.
Then this love died away or turned into hatred, but as Hatred is useless I decided it Ignorance was bliss.

Bad

Yes I am not a perfect person I am a human being.

Smooth criminal

Michael Jackson has rocked my childhood.
I believe I have loved singing and as a child and teen I would sing with him all the time ;)
then I loved Kurt cobain early too ;)
but I still loved MJ at the same time.
Later around 13 I had a passion for Lenny Kravitz ;)

Music has always been a passion since I was born;)

I have a picture of me being about 5 and with big earphones of the 80's listening to rock music!

Music is a healer, a smile on your face when you don't feel good.
That is why we look up to those stars, they really make a change in our life.
It's not just being fan insane and wanting to know what they ate yesterday, I am not that kind of fan, I don't care.
I am an admirer of artists and have always been.

Heal the world

I love people who are true givers, who have this beautiful energy to share, to give Blissful emotions to others, the ones who make us dream, who Inspire, who spread the Love and hope!

I have always loved that and will always.That is always what I aspire to, to make people dream, to inspire, to keep creating with pure love energy and to spread it around.
This said I'm not comparing to those genius I admire, but I believe we are light wavers to unite this humanity, to awake the humanity in others, to make them Feel again and remember.

What truly saddened me is that Michael Jackson had been dragged in the mud for so long, people only wanted to criticize him and he couldn't be free at all.
yeah the kind of same attitude towards famous people like with Britney spears.



How honoured and impressed must Britney have felt on that day!
She has been blessed to sing with him really!


In the closet

People well mostly paparazzi have to spread shit on the hero, on the people who are so admired around the world.
Is it just envy?
Is it just money?

I also am quite aware that people will keep making joke even about his death of find ways to criticize, insult who they think he was and whatnot.

I wonder how these people sleep at night.
No dreams anymore for them.

It's definetly okay not to be a fan or even that MJ's music is not your cup of tea but then don't try to tarnish his memory what's the point in that?
Would you feel better then?

I will never believe MJ would have abused or hurt a child. Never.
He may have depression and a strange closeness with children right.
I also believe he was so rich that people would have done anything to ruin him getting some.
Whatever his personal life or his problems I think we love an artist not for his private life that should be none of fucking business!
We loved him because he made us dream and we all should have been perhaps more grateful for this instead of throwing him in the mud on the public place!

why you wanna trip on me

I am sure I am not the only today who is heartbroken by this death and who will live with this sweet feeling of nostalgia.
I am sure a lot of people on this planet are crying because of Michael Jackson's death and have those childhood stories to share about him.
I believe it's beautiful.

I truly hope they will make a real deserved homage to him on tv to remember, to mourn, to sort of say goodbye till later!

You know I would have a hard time believing a child of the 80's cannot have a memory with an MJ song:)
If you want to share with me some of your memories or thoughts about this death , please feel free.

You know he will surely be for us like for instance the death of John Lennon was for our parents.
A tragedy, somebody who will be missed and still admired long time after his death!

And I listened to John Lennon as a teen so I believe I can imagine my children(when I'll have her)listening to MJ one day.

We all dig in our parents musical past.
Especially when Music is a real important thing in your home, it has always been like this with my parents.

For sebastien and I too, music makes us feel good and inspired!

I wish I were in L.A now to be able to be their for MJ's funeral, not as a morbid desire, but to feel the love of humanity.

Why each terribly sad event of all kind unite us is not a mystery. Empathy is what make us HUMAN.

Empathy is the greatest LOVE on Earth and one of the Purest.



With all he did, with all his care and involvement, I can only believe on top of being an amazing and one of kind artist that a lot have imitate or got largely inspired by, he was also a Beautiful Soul.

The kind of person who is commited and don't only thing about life in pink or himself.

I wonder what Tori amos will express about this death, I don't know how at all what she thought about MJ.


Nobody will ever sing or dance like him.
He will be remembered and missed a lot.




He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran



Blessed be Michael Jackson, peace out to all his fans and the people,friends and family who loved him true for his art and humanity.

Waiting for the Summer fruits while remembering springtime flowers in the graveyard

More than a month later.
Times flies no wait! it's running after me!

Wish I had time to write my blog, surely it could do me good.
To write a little.
To just talk about my daily life and my art life.




It feels so good everytime I go back to my acrylic world ;)













I haven't painted much for a while.
Not in the mood, too busy with other things in my life, like phoetry for instance.
Working on different projects.
In fact for a whole month I was really incredibly busy but I handled it and I guess I loved it.
When you're so busy you go to the essential and you have no time for insomnia.
Kidding a bit, but working so much made me feel better.



You don't have to compartimentalize your self, especially if you're an artist.
Just keep expressing, share what you have to share, do what you have to do,always out of Love.
And I believe you are safe, for everyone interpretes no one ever grasp the truth of your own soul.
You only know.

who you are. And why you do the things you do.
Even if sometimes it can sound weird to you, with time and looking back you find the answers are all in the questions of your art, your heart.











(picture featured in my book In The Name Of Kali)





I have so many to express but I don't know where to start.
How to do a sum up on everything I've been lucky to learn and discover this past month.

First of all about Friendship and making friends.
Still the same old thing that people want you to be honest and they cannot hear your truth.
hey it's merely your truth, so it should not be the world to them right?

I have been through events that showed me true friendship required maturity, a bit of self trust to be aware of what you have to offer in this relationship, a good sense of humour and of course open mindedness and tolerance.

I remember when I was younger I somehow couldn't hear people disagreement with me, I would lose temper at once now I am okay to listen and I always try to see what the person means, how she or he perceives things.
It's always a question of perception after all.

If you're strong enough, you're not fleeing because of another viewpoint.

Immaturity can be cute of course it depends how it is shown but some people feel lonely and disbelieve in true friendship, or just want to criticize the rest of the humanity as if they had the monopoly of good heart or what?
This is so absurd!

Open your mind!
See further for goddess's sake!

I am always sadden when people don't want to grow and understand things.
Stubborness is a huge waste of time.
Of course we all have our strong opinion and we sometimes don't feel like changing,it's ok.
We have lived things that make us be who we are, but when you want to make friends you have to open and be ready to lose or suffer the fact you won't face a mirror.
We are all similar but all unique.
it's just so sad all the beauty people may waste with a locked up heart.

They may say it's because they've been hurt a lot in the past and disappointed by everyone and they don't want to trust anymore.
immature waste of time, we learn in this!
we learn through this!


There is something I really cringe at it's when people feel the need to criticize another to feel better about themselves.
Like " come on people stop whining and believe that fairies will pop out of your screen"

fuck this!and fuck you!
If these people want to share their emotions the way they do,it's their right
not please with this, kiss their asses!

I cannot stand those attitudes.
People should just live their life and stop pointing their fingers at other and how they live theirs!
Hell,Leave us alone!

I do not fear any criticize or anyone wanting to burn me, that's always why I chose the name " Ma Sorcière" at flickr.

I am totally utterly and completely accepting myself & happily pissing you if it has to.
never my goal well okay it depends if you tease me too much babe;)



People must see me as bitchy because I have a big mouth and anger is not something I am shameless to express.
I have read anyways in some Christian or catholic forums that anger was not so much of a sin
of course I do not believe in the idea of sin, I gladly play with it.
and if anger was a sin I would be then a shameless sinner.

Not out of rebellion, it's more than this.
I believe in expressing your disagreement, if you suffer because of somebody's behaviour it is just your right to tell them you are angry and why.
It does not mean hurting them on purpose.
But saying unpleasant things to them that is merely your truth on how you lived things, how you felt them and it cannot be changed.

We are the way people had treated us.
Like our parents in childhood and teen age for instance.

If your parents complimented you, hugged you, showed you care, lots of affection, if they made you feel you could do anything, if they were there anytime listening closely to your problems etc maybe then you can grow as a self confident adult and not have to endure depression or lack of self esteem at times.

Of course we have to cut the cord too.
Past is past, even if it feels like something has been stolen from us, something we can never have again.
A missing part in our life.
How to fill the hole? how it to heal it whole?

Art ,creativity, love and being real are possible answers to this, and of course to try not to act the same way.

We all live in cycles.
I mean cycles of sorrows and joy that come back to us and we feel oh I have experienced this before in another way perhaps, sometimes it could also be reminiscence of past lives.
Some present sorrow can re-open past wounds, it's the life.
How we deal with this?
expression and imagination.

There is enough energy in our soul to heal if we really want to.

Some people still come to me asking "how is the baby? how is your pregnancy"

I am like, well he, okay you didn't know not your fault, but I lost it, I miscarried.

Then the whole thing is back again, like a wave to my face and I remember it's me who've been through this maelstrom of emotions.

But I am definetly not alone in this.
I have been lucky enough to take pictures of wonderful children.
There are great teachers and my contact with them made me more and more understand how I have a real easy bond with children, that childhood is a familiar world to me.
A lot of people often say how younger I look in real life or on my photos, it's cute.












I really hope to keep learning and finally create another business as a photographer.
Especially children photographer because I love to capture that essence , the soul of this time, so pure, so innocent, where magic is unscathed.

To come back about anger, it's an emotion people often deny, feel ashamed, can't deal with etc.
I express anger easily when I disagree if it's something important of course I'm not angry at everything.
I love when I'm fine with everything, but the world is not bright pink everyday is it?
look further.

I believe it's because I am capable to love immensely, I share a lot of myself, I am a real human being or trying to always tend towards this.
I give, I try to inspire, I share and I do listen a lot.
The fact that I love big implies also the fact I can also be extreme with anger because there are things I cannot bear.
like Anais Nin said:

"The only abnormality is the incapacity to love."

Also some people tried to bother me with the fact I take self portrait that showed my body in a sensual or erotic way and then taking pictures of Innocence/children.

Well I do believe we are complete when we can express Mary and the Magdalene, of course you draw the limits.

I would quickly kick pedophiles asses.
I have seen other photographers taking sensual self portraits and also the most beautiful soulful and real portrait of innocent children and there was nothing wrong with that.

It's like a woman can be a Mother and she's still a sexual wife.
She's not only the sweet heart of the house.
We are multi sided, so is my art.


They fly
You're in them
They fly
You want them
entwined thorns so soft and touching
How beautiful the nightmares under my pillow under my bed under my heart
Ankle all swollen
Sore throat
Sense all sored
A wardrobe full of circean dress
Little darkness
Tame thy monster whisper the pixies
But all my garden have blown away
seeds of dandelions
No dreams no wishes
For another tree
To climb and let my soul soar
I cannot clean my wings
I am a bad needlewoman
I want to sew my lips together to prevent them to utter
my need my needs my desires



I believe my friends understand and enjoy the things I do without judging.

We have many different things to express.

so yes I have been working on a New Eve project!




and happily mixed Innocence and sexuality.

My thoughts are fizzing and I have many new ideas for books, but sometimes I'm like Hey hold on!
I cannot note all these things!
So I believe I have enough ideas for the next 10 years ;)
haha



Ha! this is one of my most fav poetic design since a long time!
It all appeared by magick out of the blue so thank you Fairies!Thank you muses!!
I am blessed and never alone.
Of course it's for an imaginary band so I had to imagine it all :)
It's always so much fun to me!



Band name: June Please June
Album name: Springtime watery songs

1)Alone at the White crow queen lake
2)April's flowers underwater
3)May drowned
4)Artemis river of presents
5)Strange path of the pomegranates
6)Away from the Fields of narcissi
7)Sister Demeter's letter
8)Third lane
9)Douceur de Léthé
10)Flammes à l'amer
11)4
12)Ocean of love and coffins
13)Blue funk stream

Of course one day I will make a book on this too, but yeah I need more than a life ;)



He said "Anais!Anais!"
I remember that name.
She said it could be your daughter's name, the one you'll never have.
I told him she was under a pile of pages of madness
He couldn't read my name anymore so I told him to be my hurt
He couldn't be my words
Even if he dared
How could Mr Empathy bleed as much as a woman
Not in my story anyways
Men invente themselves pain and women live through them
Always
For instance when you got a package in your car and you never dare
pull out the ribbon
then who are you?
A ghost?
Are you fucking insane?
I thought that was me.
I thought
All along the cinders a shoe that shouldn't be red
Sometimes you say you're afraid to acknowledge the water in your eyes
This hole darkest void
I wish I could be the rain when they ask for the sun

(...)



Still waiting
Red roses in the vase on the kitchen table
I hear the melancholly on the window pane
It echoes
Humide soft noises
She forgot her keys once again
Did she do it on purpose
On the bed Anais' dress
I could still smell her perfume
The satin of poetry that suits her skin like nothing else
When you meet Anais you never forget her eyes
All the secrets they tell when they penetrate yours
It's a strange moment right after midnight
Her ghost is above me invading her dress
Floating laces and the bewitching whispers
Then later I sway naked in the attic
Missing her touch
missing the way she understands
Each of her kisses not demanding not expecting anything
As the rain falls deeper(...)

she dances on the walls that she paints with her whispers:




(not completely satisfied with this self portrait but I love the poem with it)

There are demons on Rachel's road
It's in her name
It's in her faith
Along the ground
Debris of all the things she recalls
We hear evil songs on Rachel's road
Among the particules there is note
Something that caress your neck when you sleep to dream
She doesn't remember much of these nights
One day she'll tear up the horizon On Rachel's road
The ravin isn't far
You could come with me
If you want to feel
desert of books not to be read
But if you do you cry the same
Like the black doves
After all the grins having cut you through
After all the thorns having slashed you open
She wanted to be wide open and freed from turmoil
There are flowers of lies on Rachel's road
"Can you hurt me now? will you hurt me now? If I ask you to?"
When you lie down
The ground is hot
You gaze at the ceiling for hours in the dark
Except it's the sky the beginning of void
Wishing it could tumble down on you
So you wouldn't have to be sewed back
With all these things inside
I wish I could tell
On Rachel's road silences are obsessing mesmerizing
I wish I could tell
But the distance is drowing near(...)










Maybe in the world of fake she could be the one
Behind her mask behind her glowing dress
He didn't know the whore was a giver
Forgive her
How many times she would dance this way
Always the same right steps left steps
Completely poisoned and tamed
You try to love her
She leaves with no word
Next year for the same entrance
She's in trance in her bleeding world
Everyone want to protect her but most abuse
She will claim it's her right to suffer
Her only desire
Because she cannot love her
Fasten this little terror
Quiet she knows it's better to be fucked than alone
Ella Jane always drown to the darkest horse underwater
You're not Ophelia
Tear that dress now
She will cry in my arms talking about strength
I witness the massacre in her bleeding poppy fields
She cannot sleep anymore
She remember spreading not wanting
A big S on her heart
There are cinders glowing cinders
Wish I could have helped my sister
But she cannot realise she has given up on her own
I told her everything was better not to
And she smiles
The most noisy smile you've ever seen
You see how she will kneel when he'll ask her to leave everything
You're gonna leave your home
You're gonna kill your soul
This big S in the middle
I won't blame their testosterone shackling & their weakness
This time I wish you loved your self
only this time


another poem that had to be shared, hoping some sisters out there can read and perhaps decide to take the power back and to be their own.

I often think about this, how women became half of themselves for a man, this is so sad.
As for these men they are so weak.
Their power resides only in controlling, how pathetic.

People have to be reminded what Love is sometimes.
A lot of ego is taking part in painful relationship because no one really dares to give in to Love, what it merely is. The beauty of it.







Another twig though springtime is gone already
Gabriel Gabriel sing for me lullabies for her
In her dreams for me
She's waving from the other side
Seraphim are holding books and taking notes
Filling pages of the sounds of my love tears
You're not there I don't even know your face
But in all the petals of light I wrote how much I miss you
Letting my heart swirls yearning for this blessing
Come little darling we've been waiting for thee
Blood roses spiralling around my china breaks
Lilith dances in my laces and she says
How pure this love can be
Pomegranate leaking on my chest
I wait for the magic to come
Hail all the angels
Impregnating my souls to the saraswati waters
Poetic ripples in the depths of my heart
Bring me my daughter!
I am a mother!
Bring me my daughter!
(...)

Arms wide open pouring sharing welcoming abundance

You can buy my book here

I've just published my very first Phoetry book in which you'll see self portraits done from 2005 to 2009.
A lot of new editions of old pictures, some never released nor published pictures:)
the same for poems.
It was a lot of work and I am truly feeling the excitement of giving life to something that mattered very much to me.
In the Name of Kali, is like the title says kinda my Ode and thanks to the Goddess Kali for having been there all the time along the years of my artist's growth.

I hope this book will inspire other women to free themselves!
To go beyond patriarchy, to go further than sexism because sometimes too much feminism or disapointment in men ends up in hatred and truly I understand this.
Sometimes it's hard to love my Brothers!
A lot of things are truly disapointing but still there is no difference in a way.
Humanity links us all and when we all have acknowledge or yin and yang side then there is more peace, more openedness to understanding.


She truly kicked my ass so I stopped procrastinating and dared to follow my dreams, my passion and my very own artist's way!
so revealing and releasing!
I learnt a lot through the process of this book, in the making of all these self portraits along the years, the diverse inspiration and events of that times and during the creation of the book.

I felt more and more pushed to create after my miscarriage because I had to keep working keep walking and find a way to face that trial.
I had to face myself and this sudden emptiness.
I don't feel the pain anymore I feel a lot of gratefulness for many things, this life for instance and all the love around me.
I adore this life, all the new inspiration, Art, sharing of souls, friendship, good food good music, hugs and kisses, my cat's purring:)
simple things makes me happy at the moment.
I value what's real.

Anyways since my mc I truly been working much more than ever and I really was working a lot already before!
But I also still put things asides, tomorrow, tomorrow ya know ;)

and one day you awake deeply suddenly and life tells you Tomorrow begins now damnit!
And yes it's true.

One day at a time we can do great things.
Even if really a day is always too short for all my ideas.

Last night after promoting my book at flickr, I felt it was difficult to sleep because my brain kept thinking.
what's next? what's next? bring it on!!!

Kind of a mix of Goddesses like Hathor and the energy of Cerridwen.
I feel such a energy within.
Such a deep strong life force and I am willing to keep creating and sharing! It's only the beginning:)))



Now I am collecting ideas in a journal and thinking seriously about another book:)
I have to keep the time to think about where I want to go.

But I believe I am going to do a book with other female self portrait artist, not sure yet about how I will work on that.

Still I need some kind of rest and going away so let's hope this weekend will be shiny and warm so my dear love and I can go to the sea:)
I miss the sea very much, I feel ressourced there, the sound of the waves, the scent of the marine air.Freedom!

Ha! like my art, I enjoy this amazing freedom I grant myself with because it gives so much place to happy accidents or new amazing thoughts and ideas!


I am impatiently waiting Tori amos new album
I love May!
this is a beautiful month!
I am feeling so good inside out!

People keep talking about Tori in such a bad and negative way as if she just had to remain young and as crazy and all as in her debuts.
This is so absurd!
And who cares about her looks? botox or not?
won't you ever grow old yourself?
It's something surely harder to live when you are in the star system somehow because you are shown and judged on your appearance come what may , people will find a way to demean you.

I believe when you work your ass off and have done so many things along the years it's quite normal to look tired, puffy eyes and tired hair and if you can use botox and want it then why not.

Personnally I love natural beauty and I believe in the acceptance of aging though honestly I loathe when I see the fatigue on my eyes and some white hair.
But I handle it, it's a part of life and as I am truly rejoicing to be at this new cycle of my woman life I feel that all this growth is also a way to deconnect with all the superficial needs of Youth.

I love beauty.
I love physical beauty, it's a delight to gaze it, it's inspiration!
It's making me smile,it's apeasing too.

Yet the way the soul and the brain still can impress me, the energy there is inside that keeps expanding and nurturing some purposes,it feels great to know where you're going while remembering where you're coming from.

As for tori's beauty, she's divine to me, I don't care so much about the wrapping, anytime she speaks I feel I'm so in phase, so relating and feeling the same things.

I totally love the fact she wrote a song as a mother for other mothers about their suffering, the economic crisis, wars and such.
So much that us women have to deal with.
Not that men dont deal with it too but we are the nurturing force and we feel it's our role, to protect, to give the food, may it be soul food or real food.
We have to be there, to take care,to be strong for our family.

And our societies are trying to push us to the limits, and we come there towards the cliffs and we face our inner questions.
Is there more to live? how are we going to handle this?
A lot of women abandon themselves.
It s wonderful of tori to share this Hope energy through music!

Ophelia's song sounds too very full of hopes and teaching!

I am eager to get the cd, I surely will make a review, well perhaps!
can't promise things ;)
But I love the way the album sounds very calm, apeasing, in the chaos of the world,all the hatred, violence, crisis everywhere,the alarming state of Earth that everyone tranquilly deny everyday...it's such a shame!
I still feel powerless about how to protect Gaia.
I do what I can on my side but there surely are many things we could do
It's often a financial issue in the end which is a lie too because people could also find ways to earn money with ecology and protecting the planet!


Latest paintings(had to focuse on the book so not that much new work to share):












I haven't been taking much pictures lately, of course I was too busy with the book and the e-courses:)

I so hope to have enough students to celebrate the beginning of June with art, imagination, freedom of creativity and the energy of the Goddesses!

Muse coaching fae



Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Corinthians 13:4-8(Bible)






well it's a very random post, as usual, even more cuz it s getting late and my eyes cant focuse much on the screen
ha! cant wait for the weekend!

Hope everyone is feeling good
:)

Awakening of your inner muses and true self, let's dance in the creative healing circus!

Muse coaching fae

I am offering e-courses as a Muse coach for women interested in reconnecting themselves to the goddesses and using creative healing to feel more in touch with their soul and their true essence.
the courses will be every week for a month about spiritual journey,art prompts and creative self portrait challenge.

feel free to have a look.

The classes should begin at the end of May till the end of June if I have enough students to start with.
so if you're interested, feel free to ask questions(via emails)and let me know.



Blessed be!

Once A Fae Child Mother Always A Fae Child Mother

I want to believe we all do the best we can.

To show we care.
To help others.
To show empathy.
To offer some kind help/words.





I love " almost rosey"
this is the way life is most of the time when we accept all the pain we can go through, somehow perhaps we have to go through these pains to understand, to keep learning and growing as spiritual individual.

I always try my best to improve my humanity, to listen more, to developpe my understanding and empathy and yet at times it's true it's very heavy.

Not as if I was carrying the pain of the world on my shoulders, I have moved on from that thought.

Maybe sometimes in the confusion of feeling too much empathy we have to keep on carrying love and receiving Hope.




I believe in that.
we cannot give up on our dreams or then where's the fun?
I remember having been told to live in a wonderland being too dreamy but this is what has taken me there, where I am and truly I am grateful to myself that I've kept dreaming, that I have not denied or abandonned my self, my inner Fae child.

It's important not to betray yourself.

I am always wanting to be more sincere, more honest ,fair to the soul I am in deep.
Sometimes I know I am awkward in my expression I even surely sound bitchy and all, I am just passionate, I give my all to everything I do.

I always want to understand if I think it's important, or if I care.

I am very emo today,not sad.
I kinda hurt for others more than myself, because I have mourned my loss.

I am not into going to that "oh please pity me I lost my baby" kind of behaviour.
I even feel ill at ease now receiving message of empathy about this because I am okay with it.
I have walked the path of acceptance, I have listened to my sisters of pain who have been through the same or even worse from my point of view.

But I don't want this to be forgotten.
People can do what they want like nothing happened.
It's true my body is back to thin, it's like nothing happened.
But I have that tiny stretch mark on my thigh and it's a sweet melancholic reminder.

I have been a mother and so I'll always be.
That's why I did that colorful pixie fae picture on top :)
It brougth me a huge smile on my face.
It's a picture I took last december though and I was not pregnant yet at that time.

But I edited it yesterday and felt a lot of joy in this.
Remembering the good feelings about being pregnant and how everytime I had some kind of worries, may it be financial or else, I smiled because what matters truly was this life growing inside me.

I am feeling so much better since my last post.
I sleep better, I have strange dreams at night, many dreams.

I believe I do feel I receive as much energy as I'm giving right now and it often makes me emo.
Empathy is wonderful,such a powerful feeling, I so need to see more empaths around me, I so need to see other human beings who cares to share their light , who care to do just a little thing for another sometimes.

I believe in simple things like the power of a smile.
Yeah you can call me naive.
I sometimes laugh at myself lately and tell me how boring I must sound with all that spiritual growth lately and that positive thinking philosophy.

It is just that I do believe in this firmly.

My miscarriage somehow awoken other pains of my life, past wounds that perhaps needed more stitches.
I feel better.
I can smile again.
I can laugh.
I am blessed and grateful for the energy I receive, whatever it may be!
mail in my letterbox is a true blessings.
I'm writing letters now and then, I don't want to suffer the pressure of penpalling like I used to.
I want it to be fun, to write to share deep thoughts and daily routine, to connect to a soul in the paper and to create another kind of friendship!

It is beautiful! letters still brigten my day!
Thank you♥♥♥




I have began to paint smiles.
I did give a try to that last year but I'm not so good at painting Bliss because well perhaps I believe rare are the people who derive joy from yours, this saddens me a lot.
Because as much as I share the sorrow of another I do derive so much joy from others happiness and more if they are close ones!
and God I love that feeling!
It's deep,it's energy again!

This is also why it's fantastic to see our loved ones happy, we get energised by this.

that painting to me sums up what I have always thought about life, it's better to die than not to live, which means to me, that ok maybe with time I will more and more accept the fact that there is death, we have to be separate from our loved ones for a time, maybe it's only time...
maybe we do meet again.

I have no certainty about after life, I believe in something else but still searching and reading about these things.
I am very intrigued about Past lives at the moment.

digression sorry, so I meant that okay we're gonna die, but we do have this Blessings to be here, to have had this life.
Why on Earth dont we make the best of it?
I wonder?

I value life because I know all the percents about a pregnancy turning into a miscarriage, and how we need so many parametres for a life to grow and to be healthy.
Of course I also believe in some kind of Destiny so somehow I could say but it was destiny that things happen the way they do.

I am very part or perhaps it is balanced with my faith and what I learn about science/biology and things like that.
Sometimes I think it's very strange for a girl of Faith like me to be so intrigued to learn about scientific things, about the universe, space, biochemistry and all.
I am fascinated by learning, it does not decrease my Faith in God/Goddess.



The healer & the satin voodoo dolls' poetic revolution

I love the strength in her gaze, she is determined, she knows how to find the wisdom in her wounds.
I dont know why she makes me think of Emily dickinson maybe the fact the frame takes us to older times and her dress is old fashioned too.

She believes in the poetic revolution, I believe in this too.

Sometimes people think I'm anarchist, rebel or communist.

I am not very interested in politics, I am sometimes trying to listen for the culture, not to be totally out of it, but I'm a bit lost.
I think it's all about power and though I kinda love power what is important to know,is what is your power? and how to use it?

A lot of people use their power listening to the ego and it does not work for the best.





I can't change video

How much I love this song.
This is true.
Nothing can stop or change me , I mean the depths of my identity, the soul I am and my purpose in life, my reasons to be down here, my wanting to help others, to give something and believing in this does show me great results.
I smile at those little things.
It's often a drop in the ocean.
I don't care.

Whenever I reach a soul and bring a smile on a face well it's just wonderful.
I feel so united and human, I belong me the secluded loner ;)

I am not feeling so lonely lately, I have too much on my mind, many ideas,many things to do,art, photos,poems, ideas for my e-courses







Sometimes I wonder if everything I offer to the world makes sense for anyone, and I don't really need an answer.
It makes sense to me.

My last post was not of the taste of everybody.
I didn't want to sound rude with the "jerk", I was just angry and tired of unsensitive behaviours when someone lose their baby.
I just have a very hard time to understand why we cannot just say a simple " I am sorry" instead of uttering mere bullshit that are unecessary in a time of huge sorrow?



Only 6 days to wait for the vulture to came
do you get enough
show me that hard on
when you see my blood
You can cross my line but never reach me

He feels so cut under
wishful thinking to annihilate my Sacred Feminine
While I am still standing with ribbons of lava
and the shreds of my heart

I lost my baby and all you care is to teach me privacy
I know seclusion
I won't ask permission
to be me

You know some men wrote that book
some men wrote that book
bleeding mysogynism how can you love yourself
Go tear a page and write something for you to live
So that you don't have to rip from mine to feel
It takes courage to heal

Prince of dimness
All you know is how to be completely offensive
breaking in when you're clearly uninvited
Yet I am sure you were fascinated watching at my ass
craving for some attention back honey

too bad I'm so sorry
I only care for the vulnerable men who don't tell me
the dress I should wear
the book I should read
Do you know who the real men are

You kept lashing out at people claiming you know what was better for them
didn' you
you surely know what's better for me
Wanna teach me to be beautiful and to shut my big mouth
I believe it's too late man
let Pele burn your God complexe

You surely need a woman to look after you
You cannot penetrate my world you feel so small

I'll ever fight for the words that need to be said that needs to be written
I believe now we can let the succubi take care of your dreams
if you ever have any
I can't believe you ever had any
You wouldn't have to read my every steps and misteps if you even had a life
my empathy little darling that must be such a worse ordeal to be thee(...)

****
yes indeed my poem is strong.
It's a mix of Sekmet and Kali influence ;)
and I do believe it's good sometimes to assert your soul and not let another person tell you what you should do.

I am deeply independent(doesn't imply I don't need love or I want to live on my own, I love humanity and I am quite blessed to live with my sebastien)

I quite know that asserting my feminine power , my will and strong spine makes people want to call me bitch.

Like I have said once I am truly ok with this.
What people can say about me is none of my business.
Plus as an artist I don't need to be understood.
I don't care, for I know my work will be misinterpreted and people will always confuse the artist and the woman, and sometimes the line between expression and imagination is so thin that it's so difficult to find out.

It may happen , then it's great!
Is it so important anyways?
can we just take art for what it offers?
light, philosophy, new way of thinking, emotions, understanding etc.

art is a cheer up in the world, art is way to fight the paralysis of despair where our societies take us, I totally agree with tori amos on this.

As a woman I care to see my loved ones try to understand me but it's ok if they dont get all about the artist.
As an artist I don't need to be loved for everything I do, I don't need people to love everything I do.
I am fine with this.

I don't love everything I do either.
smile.




People are easily afraid of the Power of Goddess Kali.
But to me her energies has helped me big time to move on from my lethargy and lack of self confidence, or increase of self doubts.

I love Kali very much.
I love that kind of energy.
I do admire strong women a lot.
does not make me less sensitive.
I am far from cold.I am burning with Passion for Life!
I cry easily before movies...





I have so much to say lately, so many words wanting to be written, said,shared, offered.
Sometimes it just goes beyond me, it runs out of my soul and I just let go.
I understand so much.
I never imply I know it all or have lived it all, so far!
that would be preposterous and honestly I know that kind of people, I don't really like them.






(this song was so synchro with what happened to me, felt a solace in this,it'll be our song for ever now.)

I am sorry
the rivers are upside down
a flower fall
hard to perceive
blue bird songs
only a tiny bud
between wood
no lianas can solace
my fragmented soul
today is
one more day
I cannot cry
holding on
only walls and doors around me
corridors
gloom
my world is upside down
I am so alone
in this everlasting pain
no one will ever comprehend



behind the veil
watery memories
I hear my broken voice
"where is my baby"
In the red pool
I've got to pull over
my heart machine's got a leak
eerie sounds
my prayers can't be heard
in the din of my soul
caving in
maybe my arms are just too thin
to hold your little soul
maybe my arms are too thin
it should have been a breath
a tiny flickering energy
it should have had more pages
I still had so many words
the rest of the world cannot hear this
my mother tongue
is undeciphering
there are blanks and fogs in every words
tear the blue sky by the window
"where is my baby"
my springtime days give ways to winter
I'm freezing cold
I am dressed with iciles
dark trees growing from my bleeding heart
did her little soul drown
because I couldn't provide her wings
my spirit sinks
a little each miles
away from you
I want to swim
entangled in my silent screams
too many corpses
in the book of my seas
I cut my hair
do you need my eyes now
why so much sacrifice
to hold you in my arms

music by Bel canto inspired by the melancholic fairy tale the story of a mother



Heading to somewhere safe
I remember walking in the sand
Saraswati ripples
inside me
and the colorful screen
got switch off
As the clouds were bleeding
my heart
it pours
all the sweetest songs
all the sunbeams
I crawled to the rock garden
eating pebbles on my way
It's been raining for centuries
old palace
how can I sing this song now
how can I
losing my last feather
muddy ballerina
where is my cherry swirl
old palace
Even her foot steps make no noise
Emptiness wants to come to my shore
but nothing can compete
the flows of her eyes
show me the way
Loneliest path
slashed wings
I still can walk
can you believe it
chin up
even a loan of smiles
each day
his arms carry me
I still can walk
towards the void
on her horizon
loneliest path
to somewhere safe
Now that my dream stars
has been all torn apart
Now that my dream lights
has been switch off




this is me as a little girl travelling in Turkey( by car with my family and friends)



and this is my new haircut, kinda destroyed ^___^;;
very asymetrical, I like it very much.
It made us feel better to go to the hairdresser one week after the mc.
It was like a way to rebuild, to feel pretty again,to feel feminine again,to reconnect,to take care of myself.

I thank the hairdresser very much, she was Awesome!
**********



I read
I cannot decipher it all
But I read
I hear you sisters brothers
They all compare the stains
My blood is darker

Is this the new Elite baby
wake up
Please
How can you serve yourself
to the cocroaches

I know it hurts
I know we're so alone
miles of betrayals
moutains of abandons
how many knives on my back

Don't you see you bury yourself
In the land of victimhood
Now who's betraying yourself
Now who's abandonning yourself

Breathe between the dots
Sisters
brothers
I never claim it would be easy
it's so easier not to
much easier not to

We know we could all give up
Paralyzing anguish
oceans of disorders
nights in tears and cuts

As a mother I can understand
but what are the hugs worth
if the words promotes your martyrdom
Burn that victim sign
rise again
remember your strength
we won't build a New Age on this
We won't create a Revolution on this

it's time to evolve
Learn to evolve
or stop blaming the world for your terrorist
you know who has given up

Rise again
wire back to your pride
dig deeper
believe
"I will escape from this all"

♥♥♥

I posted this somewhere else and felt like sharing, may it can help those who need to receive some positive energies.





I believe. but only if you allow yourself to believe too and to decide it's time to heal, time to decide what you want to live and what you don't want, time to change your self loathing and self destructive behaviour.

You've all heard this. No one can love you if you don't love yourself.
This is a very hard task sometimes especially if we've been hurt,abused,unloved etc during infancy,childhood or teen age.

I believe Past is past. Of course it does make you be the person you are.
What do you want to be NOW?
this is the important question.

You can begin one day at a time.
Or you can forever wear your "I'm a victim sign" and feel you belong to some kind of underground new community, this is alas the sad world we're in.
We're intoxicated by many things.

Have you forgotten your own essence?
can there be anything deeper inside you?

you can escape from it all,or better said (because I dont believe in escapism) you can grow spiritually and find all the wisdom in your wounds.
It's not an easy path, life is not easy at all.

But if you begin slowly to accept the blessings to be there maybe you can begin to heal.

I am not saying you don't have the right to vent, mourn, feel sad or sorry for yourself,be angry and so forth.
A lot of very unfair things happen everyday.
You may feel very lonely but you're definetly not alone in this if you believe.
and I am not only talking about some God.

I am not religious, neither am I a doctor or a therapist.
I just firmly believe in the power of our soul.
If only we could see all the beauty inside us and share all the thing we are with others, doing little things, like smiling to a person in the streets who seems lonely or sad, or just comforting someone in need ,listening to a friend in need,taking of animals in shelters, doing things to protect our planets and things like that... maybe little by little we could feel we belong somehow instead of staying paralyzed by the despair all around us.

I do know this life is not easy.
I've had my share of pain, even recently... but this has increased my faith in Life and in Humanity.

I know anything is possible when we go for it.
Don't you still have dreams to fight for?
Aren't you too young to die?
Don't you want to keep searching for all your reasons to be there?

I am sorry if I bother anyone with this sharing.

I just wanted to send everyone who's feeling helpless, hopeless and totally depressed today some message of Hopes and positive energies***

May you all feel better."

Namasté & love the one you're with, and your friends and family! keep on sharing your spark!

things not to say to somebody who's just had a miscarriage, learn you jerks!

At the community babycenter.com I have found this so I am copying and pasting it for the people who still need to learn a lot to become Real Human Beings.




"What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.


Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. "

I found this list fantastic and anyone jerks or not could use a read to have a better empathy.
Even myself I could learn and also some made me smile with cynism.like the one with the mother who dies and then you can be grateful you still have a father.
It shows how absurd some words can be right?

I do know how hard it is anyways to put yourself in others' shoes, we wish we could do something.


I try myself also to support other women who have recently miscarried, but I cannot imagine how they feel, I mean every pain is different, every baby lost is unique and it's a part of our history, how we lived our pregnancy, how much it was wanted and so forth...

Anyways I have receive lots of support in these past days and it has helped me to cope.


I am walking ahead one day at a time, grieving,not crying everyday, my art helps me big time, my friends are wonderful.
I guess if I truly felt lonely unheard and without any one to listen I would break down.
But I do feel the love and I am grateful, thank you all so very much!



strangely enough, this painting came to me on her own.
I had this Love card offered by a soul sister, just right before me on my desk and I felt okay.
I never thought I could paint a naked woman, I thought about it many times but never gave it a try, and here it just came to me, easily.
It gave me a lot of strength when it was complete.






Time time it's only time
but the hands are piercing my heart and tearing my butterflies one by one
I barely recognize her face in the mirror
Is she gone
with her pretty eyes so empty and dark
A book graveyard in the depths of her gaze
she crossed the seas and desert she's all made of broken parts
nobody can play with me anymore
strangest season
cruellest springtime fucking sore lie
It's written on her pillow
"you never know Pain till the next"
On the marble my tears keeps writing
"I am so sorry"
*******************************


it's only time my darling
like a garlands of tick tock weeping away
smiling away
I have to focuse on the tiny shadow of your red shoe dancing in the light
to keep my sanity
I'll be a sleepwalker
heading on the tightrope
not a safety net not even a mask
Go ask April why I feel so disabled
She keeps saying it did not happen
did not happen to me

And
how long could the void grow inside me
feels so ashamed while the sky bleeds
Explosion of words I'm still with you
I feel you're already without me
you just never made it
bleeding fountain of sorries

(...)
*********************************


These injuries like layers of slashed stars planting their sharp point in my heart
I am still walking baby
still walking
each foot leave their blood spots
nothing will ever sound sweetly romantic
I numb the wings I numb the machine
wires keep bleeding sounds I cannot decipher
please leave her alone when you hear this siren
leave her alone
collapse gentle little spirit
Am I still on the ground
They keep telling me you're so thin skinny darling
I swear I don't lie this time my dress was white
full of white love the purest kind
I can swear to God how much I love
In my mental screen it keeps printing you should hate me now
you'd rather hate me you'd rather avoid me now
I am cut below
I swim with fatigue in this dirty realm of heamoglobin
Did I give birth to a violet coffin
I want to vomit as soon as I see the sunlight in the morning
All these hellish noises creeps to my beds at night
I cannot believe I am belonging to this book anymore
Did I give birth to a pretty velvet tomb
(...)
*****************************************************************
I am still very exhausted but it's also because Insomnia bitch is back and I cannot help my brain to keep thinking, wondering, trying to find ways to heal.

But soon it's Easter time so I hope my parents will be caring and considerate enough to bring me some chocolate!
what? you didn't send me even a card for my bday not even a gift! It was fucking important I turned 30!
why did I have to feel forgotten at such a turning point in a woman's life?

argh. yeah. I get angry at silly things like that.
My hormones are all over the place too.
fatigue does not help.

I know they are not careless, they phoned me on my special days, but I wish I had received a card it was important to me, like they did for my 25 years old.
some dates are important that's all.

When I'll have children, I know they'll get a card each birthday, because I fucking care, because they'll be my heart!

In fact many people forgot to send me a card...I know it's just an attention but well it means a lot to me, surely because it reminds me all the time I am forgotten or I've been forgotten.
But I just focused on the ones who celebrated with me.

My emotions are strange at the moment.
I can be very sweet with a deeper empathy and forgive the ones who've hurt me.
Then I can be angry at stupid meaningless things just because it has a deeper hidden meaning to me.
I am feeling disconnected at times.
like my head has been chopped off.

but the muses are here, dancing around me,kissing me, embracing me with light and love. so are the angels.

Girls from the choirgirl hotel has ever been one of my favorite album by tori amos, though I do love most of them.
it's the album that made me discover and want to know her more.


Well I know we're dying
And there's no sign of a parachute
In this Chapel
Little chapel of love
Can't we get a little grace
And some elegance
No we scream in cathedrals
Why can't it be beautiful
Why does there
Gotta be a sacrifice
(tori amos)
singing also helps me, music lulls and carries my soul.


operator

Isn't that the way they say it goes
But let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it
So i can call just to tell them i'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels

Operator, oh could you help me place this call
'cause i can't read the number that you just gave me
There's something in my eye's
You know it happens every time
I think about the love that i thought would save me
(Jim Croce)

Hey tori!Hey Frida!sisters of miscarriage...

siren by tori amos

I don't know how to begin with this.
I guess a scream would be fine.allowed.but not even enough to relieve me.

Now I can even better relate to the pain of this song by tori amos.
I always could feel that pain as if I had lived this before...and truly I must have.


"almost brave almost pregnant almost in love"
now I have this song, every sounds and words of it deeply etched in my skin, in my body and soul.
I know music will save me,will appease me with time.
I know.


www.deezer.com/track/1147654
dear God life ain't kind people getting born and dying
But I've heard there's joy untold
Lays on that open road in front of me
in front of me(Pj harvey)



and you fuckheads who will enjoy reading this and call me Drama queen with her drama life go fuck yourself!
and you who haven t better comments that talking about my beautiful ass just go watch some porn , you're not evolved enough to read and comprehend my soul.
and you who thinks I am a " better than thou" just fuck off.
you don't know me.
you don't know a fucking thing about me and my life and all the things I've been through till now.

That was my sekmet who needed to speak and show claws to protect me from now.

breathe helene breathe.

I bled on friday morning.
I wrote to my dearest ones.for advice.to be reassured.
I looked at google.
I was a bit reassured but I wanted to think positive so I did.
I was brave.
I was fucking brave.
and I drove to my gynecologist, being hopeful.
I needed to hope.
I prayed so much.

she said : well you're having a miscarriage.

I lost it there.
I remained numb for a minute.
I thought maybe she's wrong, maybe we can't see much, maybe she's wrong.

then tears filled my eyes and I burst, I collapsed in tears.
All my dreams hopes smiles shaken falling down being crashed down being cut being slashed open to bleed.

She tried to reassure me and also to comfort me.
she was human.
I love it when doctors are human for honestly it's rarer.

she explained many things to me, I tried to integrate all informations but I was under shock.
it was such a beautiful day, lots of sun, real springtime, flowery trees by the windows...and I remember the music in the waiting room : clair de lune sonata by Beethoven.

sad music.
like a sign.

she sent me 50meter away to the radiologist echograph to confirm the miscarriage.
and there I cried hard before everyone in the waiting room, such a wreck.
Thanks Goddess I hate my ipod and tori amos in my ears.
It helped me face things and not over react.
I was rather numb and crying.

I could feel the empathy energy of two persons in the waiting room and it kind of helped me to feel this energy.
I also felt the angels, I was not alone in this.Though it still felt aloneness, because it was inside me, my body...

the radiologist confirmed after hours of waiting and crying in the damn waiting room.

I didn't cry this time.
I was just tired and angry.

and I went back to the car.alone.
and got back home with music to help me through this.
I drove badly, too fast, I was lost, careless.
No I didn't want to die, I was just tired and shocked and angry.

I know anger is not a good thing so I am trying to express it,to understand more and to quiet this bad energy in me.

I believe anger has always been important in me for all the pain I've been through in my life. and probably in my past lives too.
There must be something to explain this, I am a person of love. I care. I have a huge empathy and I give so much to my loved ones and to people who need.
I am not just angry witch.

my gynecologist explained me how it will go from now and that if I was bleeding too much I should phone the emergency.
and on saturday morning 6 am I went to the bathroom and I bled.
much. way too much. I was like being emptied of my blood, so warm, so awful sensation.
Like I was about to die this way you know.
seb at first thought I was maybe exagerating but he wanted to comfort me and help me not to worry too much and have panick attack.

But God I was stronger.
I called the emergency to have an advice and they sent the firemen who took me to emergency hospital.
They were great. three men totally different but with empathy and humanity.
I look up to firemen a lot.
I look up to everyone who helps another. who cares.who saves.or tries to.
I admire empathy.

I breathed, sebastien was amazingly supportive and there for me.
I was reassured.
though I kept saying " Oh I am scared! I'm scared!I've lost so much blood"
and I was still bleeding lying down on the coach waiting.

then I arrived at the hospital.
there they had to do me a curettage. I was damn scared but no panic attacks.
I prayed a lot.
I talked to every gods goddesses and angels or higher spirits around to help me.

they wanted to have me have a complete anesthesia and if you know me : that's something I fear so bad!
because it's like being dead you know.
and I had once at 14 and it was scary really,also I was alone in this hospital.
Honestly my parents should have been there.
I would not let my 14 child alone for any kind of hospitalisation.

Maybe I'll be said worriesome, but to me it would mean truly caring.

sebastien tried to comfort me and he showed me so much love compassion and understanding that it made me stronger.
But I kept begging for a lower anesthesia only, saying I don't mind the pain, I can handle it and thinking I dont want to die.

They got me a fucking painful injection in the rachi but I said: okay okay I can handle it.
I am not scared of the pain.

but they got me.I am quite sure they knew they still would have me completely anesthetised.
so I dont know how they did it but they did it and I woke up alone in the room.
But I was alive. so I was reassured and of course after the injection I dont remember a thing. I hate this.
It's so weird.
and it looked like 15minutes ago while it lasted more than an hour and seb had to wait away.

Then I was taken to my room and searching everywhere for my sebastien.

Then it was the waiting and the doctors came to visit me.
we stayed there a whole day, too long.
I tried to sleep but hardly could fall asleep.
I had a deep pain in my low back.

I even told the anesthesist who lacked of respect, joking about my pain as if I was lying.
In my whole life that kind of attitude of people towards me had infuriated me badly.
What a bitch!
I was in real pain everytime I had to walk to go pee.
I could stand on my feet but the pressure of feet on the ground made the pain go worse.

Honestly right now the pain is still there, seems to slowly fade away.
I take paracétamol because it s the only thing I'm allowed for now.
So I deeply hurt physically and emotionnally.
the physical pain is trying to occupy my spirit I guess so I stop the crying.

I am wondering when seb will be pissed of at his disabled sweetheart asking him to help for every little thing.

This makes me feel so pathetic and diminished.
I was already so very tired during the first months of pregnancy and with this miscarriage I am just the ghost of me.
And I loathe this.

I know going through this hell together has made our love feel so stronger but I know myself when I hurt so bad how it awakes my witch.
seb firstly said I could throw my anger at him that it was ok,but honestly it would not be fun.
and I do know it's not right.

We will react to this loss differently and I have to accept this.

My gynecologist was hopeful saying I could try again to get pregnant in a month but at the hospital the gynecologist said that I lost much blood and that I had to wait for the uterus to feel better and wait three months before starting to try for baby again.
He said my uterus has been exhausted by the first months of pregnancy and the miscarriage and that it was better to be sensible.

I burst into tears again.

I cry everytime I think and know my little dream bliss is gone and I wont have a baby this year.
Right now though writing helps me let it all out.
freeing my soul of the weight of this pain.

I believe I need a month of mourning and crying.
Maybe more. I don't know.
I am trying to protect myself with ideas of how to cope with this.
thinking.
creating.
making art to appease myself.

I am so incredibly sad that I waited so long to have a baby because now the time is counted even more and I have dreams of a family.
I would love at least 3 children.
a family.
It matters so much.
I have always wanted to be a mother from how far I remember it.
I have always been a mother anyways.

I remember how every morning I would wake up with a smile telling myself: I am pregnant with a little smile of amazement.

but these past fortnight I was feeling rather depressed.
Maybe it was the hormones or me feeling lonely.
Or perhaps I was feeling something wasn't right in this.

I have to accept I am empty again but I feel emptier than ever.
I feel incapable, ashamed, guilty and I know it's not right and I do know it's not my fault I don't need motherizing on this, this is just a feeling in me I have to deal with to understand and be over this.

When everything was happening I was not so surprised finally like I had lived this before, or like it was normal, like I just did not deserve some kind of bliss.
I know how harsh it is to think that way, it s a way of thinking that comes and goes...I know I should heal this bad energy for good.

and I will work on that.

Along these moments of pain sister Poetry was on my side throwing words, sentences, here and there, like little pebbles for me to keep walking, like hands to catch to prevent me from falling.

I won't tell you art is better when you suffer hell.
I just know art is a beautiful healthy therapy when you have to go through hell, it's your lantern, your fireflies,your sparks, keeping you company in the dark.
I wont be alone.
I will be in the arms of my solacing muses and for this I am grateful.


I am also deeply grateful for:

my Sébastien for all he did for me for making me not alone in this.
Gods, Goddesses ,the angels and all higher spirits who have gave me energy to handle this and who've protected me.
my family and friends for their support and care. Thank you so much for all the messages.
I must say it's way too hard not to cry when reading your kind words but I need them.
It's carrying me.
I am also grateful to still be alive.

I truly have no ideas at times how I will deal with this.
And of course I worry about another pregnancy.
I don't know what to do,what to hope for. I feel lost.
I also know my depressive tendencies and all, so I will have to keep strong and to heal, to fight the bad energy, the bad thoughts.
I will try not to lock myself in silence.
I thought I would be like this if I had to lose my baby. I thought I would just be numb like autistic and won't talk again.
but I am 30, I have to react, I want a family, I am not ready to give up and I do know it's common for first pregnancies to not go to terms.
But I was thinking if I had to lose it it would have been in the first month...not so close of the end of the first trimester.
I was being so hopeful.


I will allow myself to cry.



I wrote this poem with my little hopes just before going to gynecologist:

I know the dim meanders in the woods of Emotions
I know the serpents
I know the wells where we can throw the worse and innocence
One two three Breathe in
I know she's a spark and I know it's not so stark
I am stronger than the past centuries I've lived
The books have still to be written and bound
Nobody said love wont suffice
because this time I will refuse your precipice(...)




the dust the dust
everything is so low so slow
sinking & thinking deeper
The horizon is dancing with electric wires
humid moods
tear the veils
they have wept for centuries
our raspberry fairies and they sang
"too many spiders between the sparks of pretty words"
We're not waiting for another tree of knowledge
She said I've read deeper and higher
That's why we are here
The most fascinating alleys of healing listen to the branches
listen closely when you sink
deeper in the mollasses of your hopeless souvenirs
It's not her dress anyways
We've got to run up that hill towards new amazing thoughts
I have always been here
The only respite I know
the brakes are lethal but the twisted paths are so long
In the dark of the night of her hair
I need to breathe she said you cannot cry this time
the tiny rinds were so sore
All of her little sisters came for the ritual
to surround with the light she needed on her dusk
Darkness can twinkle in my hands
I wonder why they are all so scared of their own loneliness
this blankness is etched
we cut the leashed of our evil kites when we know
the meanders of this road to embrace(...)



I am a bit scared to be alone at home on monday if I bleed again( though I dont know if I should or not bleed because doctors said everything and the contrary but I'll phone my gynecologist on monday and she'll )and I can't walk that much because of the deep pain in the back.
I keep praying Jesus,Kwan Yin and the Archangel Raphael to appease my pain and protect me so I recover my health and energy soon.
But I know the body part won't be the hardest to heal.