Waiting for the Summer fruits while remembering springtime flowers in the graveyard

More than a month later.
Times flies no wait! it's running after me!

Wish I had time to write my blog, surely it could do me good.
To write a little.
To just talk about my daily life and my art life.




It feels so good everytime I go back to my acrylic world ;)













I haven't painted much for a while.
Not in the mood, too busy with other things in my life, like phoetry for instance.
Working on different projects.
In fact for a whole month I was really incredibly busy but I handled it and I guess I loved it.
When you're so busy you go to the essential and you have no time for insomnia.
Kidding a bit, but working so much made me feel better.



You don't have to compartimentalize your self, especially if you're an artist.
Just keep expressing, share what you have to share, do what you have to do,always out of Love.
And I believe you are safe, for everyone interpretes no one ever grasp the truth of your own soul.
You only know.

who you are. And why you do the things you do.
Even if sometimes it can sound weird to you, with time and looking back you find the answers are all in the questions of your art, your heart.











(picture featured in my book In The Name Of Kali)





I have so many to express but I don't know where to start.
How to do a sum up on everything I've been lucky to learn and discover this past month.

First of all about Friendship and making friends.
Still the same old thing that people want you to be honest and they cannot hear your truth.
hey it's merely your truth, so it should not be the world to them right?

I have been through events that showed me true friendship required maturity, a bit of self trust to be aware of what you have to offer in this relationship, a good sense of humour and of course open mindedness and tolerance.

I remember when I was younger I somehow couldn't hear people disagreement with me, I would lose temper at once now I am okay to listen and I always try to see what the person means, how she or he perceives things.
It's always a question of perception after all.

If you're strong enough, you're not fleeing because of another viewpoint.

Immaturity can be cute of course it depends how it is shown but some people feel lonely and disbelieve in true friendship, or just want to criticize the rest of the humanity as if they had the monopoly of good heart or what?
This is so absurd!

Open your mind!
See further for goddess's sake!

I am always sadden when people don't want to grow and understand things.
Stubborness is a huge waste of time.
Of course we all have our strong opinion and we sometimes don't feel like changing,it's ok.
We have lived things that make us be who we are, but when you want to make friends you have to open and be ready to lose or suffer the fact you won't face a mirror.
We are all similar but all unique.
it's just so sad all the beauty people may waste with a locked up heart.

They may say it's because they've been hurt a lot in the past and disappointed by everyone and they don't want to trust anymore.
immature waste of time, we learn in this!
we learn through this!


There is something I really cringe at it's when people feel the need to criticize another to feel better about themselves.
Like " come on people stop whining and believe that fairies will pop out of your screen"

fuck this!and fuck you!
If these people want to share their emotions the way they do,it's their right
not please with this, kiss their asses!

I cannot stand those attitudes.
People should just live their life and stop pointing their fingers at other and how they live theirs!
Hell,Leave us alone!

I do not fear any criticize or anyone wanting to burn me, that's always why I chose the name " Ma Sorcière" at flickr.

I am totally utterly and completely accepting myself & happily pissing you if it has to.
never my goal well okay it depends if you tease me too much babe;)



People must see me as bitchy because I have a big mouth and anger is not something I am shameless to express.
I have read anyways in some Christian or catholic forums that anger was not so much of a sin
of course I do not believe in the idea of sin, I gladly play with it.
and if anger was a sin I would be then a shameless sinner.

Not out of rebellion, it's more than this.
I believe in expressing your disagreement, if you suffer because of somebody's behaviour it is just your right to tell them you are angry and why.
It does not mean hurting them on purpose.
But saying unpleasant things to them that is merely your truth on how you lived things, how you felt them and it cannot be changed.

We are the way people had treated us.
Like our parents in childhood and teen age for instance.

If your parents complimented you, hugged you, showed you care, lots of affection, if they made you feel you could do anything, if they were there anytime listening closely to your problems etc maybe then you can grow as a self confident adult and not have to endure depression or lack of self esteem at times.

Of course we have to cut the cord too.
Past is past, even if it feels like something has been stolen from us, something we can never have again.
A missing part in our life.
How to fill the hole? how it to heal it whole?

Art ,creativity, love and being real are possible answers to this, and of course to try not to act the same way.

We all live in cycles.
I mean cycles of sorrows and joy that come back to us and we feel oh I have experienced this before in another way perhaps, sometimes it could also be reminiscence of past lives.
Some present sorrow can re-open past wounds, it's the life.
How we deal with this?
expression and imagination.

There is enough energy in our soul to heal if we really want to.

Some people still come to me asking "how is the baby? how is your pregnancy"

I am like, well he, okay you didn't know not your fault, but I lost it, I miscarried.

Then the whole thing is back again, like a wave to my face and I remember it's me who've been through this maelstrom of emotions.

But I am definetly not alone in this.
I have been lucky enough to take pictures of wonderful children.
There are great teachers and my contact with them made me more and more understand how I have a real easy bond with children, that childhood is a familiar world to me.
A lot of people often say how younger I look in real life or on my photos, it's cute.












I really hope to keep learning and finally create another business as a photographer.
Especially children photographer because I love to capture that essence , the soul of this time, so pure, so innocent, where magic is unscathed.

To come back about anger, it's an emotion people often deny, feel ashamed, can't deal with etc.
I express anger easily when I disagree if it's something important of course I'm not angry at everything.
I love when I'm fine with everything, but the world is not bright pink everyday is it?
look further.

I believe it's because I am capable to love immensely, I share a lot of myself, I am a real human being or trying to always tend towards this.
I give, I try to inspire, I share and I do listen a lot.
The fact that I love big implies also the fact I can also be extreme with anger because there are things I cannot bear.
like Anais Nin said:

"The only abnormality is the incapacity to love."

Also some people tried to bother me with the fact I take self portrait that showed my body in a sensual or erotic way and then taking pictures of Innocence/children.

Well I do believe we are complete when we can express Mary and the Magdalene, of course you draw the limits.

I would quickly kick pedophiles asses.
I have seen other photographers taking sensual self portraits and also the most beautiful soulful and real portrait of innocent children and there was nothing wrong with that.

It's like a woman can be a Mother and she's still a sexual wife.
She's not only the sweet heart of the house.
We are multi sided, so is my art.


They fly
You're in them
They fly
You want them
entwined thorns so soft and touching
How beautiful the nightmares under my pillow under my bed under my heart
Ankle all swollen
Sore throat
Sense all sored
A wardrobe full of circean dress
Little darkness
Tame thy monster whisper the pixies
But all my garden have blown away
seeds of dandelions
No dreams no wishes
For another tree
To climb and let my soul soar
I cannot clean my wings
I am a bad needlewoman
I want to sew my lips together to prevent them to utter
my need my needs my desires



I believe my friends understand and enjoy the things I do without judging.

We have many different things to express.

so yes I have been working on a New Eve project!




and happily mixed Innocence and sexuality.

My thoughts are fizzing and I have many new ideas for books, but sometimes I'm like Hey hold on!
I cannot note all these things!
So I believe I have enough ideas for the next 10 years ;)
haha



Ha! this is one of my most fav poetic design since a long time!
It all appeared by magick out of the blue so thank you Fairies!Thank you muses!!
I am blessed and never alone.
Of course it's for an imaginary band so I had to imagine it all :)
It's always so much fun to me!



Band name: June Please June
Album name: Springtime watery songs

1)Alone at the White crow queen lake
2)April's flowers underwater
3)May drowned
4)Artemis river of presents
5)Strange path of the pomegranates
6)Away from the Fields of narcissi
7)Sister Demeter's letter
8)Third lane
9)Douceur de Léthé
10)Flammes à l'amer
11)4
12)Ocean of love and coffins
13)Blue funk stream

Of course one day I will make a book on this too, but yeah I need more than a life ;)



He said "Anais!Anais!"
I remember that name.
She said it could be your daughter's name, the one you'll never have.
I told him she was under a pile of pages of madness
He couldn't read my name anymore so I told him to be my hurt
He couldn't be my words
Even if he dared
How could Mr Empathy bleed as much as a woman
Not in my story anyways
Men invente themselves pain and women live through them
Always
For instance when you got a package in your car and you never dare
pull out the ribbon
then who are you?
A ghost?
Are you fucking insane?
I thought that was me.
I thought
All along the cinders a shoe that shouldn't be red
Sometimes you say you're afraid to acknowledge the water in your eyes
This hole darkest void
I wish I could be the rain when they ask for the sun

(...)



Still waiting
Red roses in the vase on the kitchen table
I hear the melancholly on the window pane
It echoes
Humide soft noises
She forgot her keys once again
Did she do it on purpose
On the bed Anais' dress
I could still smell her perfume
The satin of poetry that suits her skin like nothing else
When you meet Anais you never forget her eyes
All the secrets they tell when they penetrate yours
It's a strange moment right after midnight
Her ghost is above me invading her dress
Floating laces and the bewitching whispers
Then later I sway naked in the attic
Missing her touch
missing the way she understands
Each of her kisses not demanding not expecting anything
As the rain falls deeper(...)

she dances on the walls that she paints with her whispers:




(not completely satisfied with this self portrait but I love the poem with it)

There are demons on Rachel's road
It's in her name
It's in her faith
Along the ground
Debris of all the things she recalls
We hear evil songs on Rachel's road
Among the particules there is note
Something that caress your neck when you sleep to dream
She doesn't remember much of these nights
One day she'll tear up the horizon On Rachel's road
The ravin isn't far
You could come with me
If you want to feel
desert of books not to be read
But if you do you cry the same
Like the black doves
After all the grins having cut you through
After all the thorns having slashed you open
She wanted to be wide open and freed from turmoil
There are flowers of lies on Rachel's road
"Can you hurt me now? will you hurt me now? If I ask you to?"
When you lie down
The ground is hot
You gaze at the ceiling for hours in the dark
Except it's the sky the beginning of void
Wishing it could tumble down on you
So you wouldn't have to be sewed back
With all these things inside
I wish I could tell
On Rachel's road silences are obsessing mesmerizing
I wish I could tell
But the distance is drowing near(...)










Maybe in the world of fake she could be the one
Behind her mask behind her glowing dress
He didn't know the whore was a giver
Forgive her
How many times she would dance this way
Always the same right steps left steps
Completely poisoned and tamed
You try to love her
She leaves with no word
Next year for the same entrance
She's in trance in her bleeding world
Everyone want to protect her but most abuse
She will claim it's her right to suffer
Her only desire
Because she cannot love her
Fasten this little terror
Quiet she knows it's better to be fucked than alone
Ella Jane always drown to the darkest horse underwater
You're not Ophelia
Tear that dress now
She will cry in my arms talking about strength
I witness the massacre in her bleeding poppy fields
She cannot sleep anymore
She remember spreading not wanting
A big S on her heart
There are cinders glowing cinders
Wish I could have helped my sister
But she cannot realise she has given up on her own
I told her everything was better not to
And she smiles
The most noisy smile you've ever seen
You see how she will kneel when he'll ask her to leave everything
You're gonna leave your home
You're gonna kill your soul
This big S in the middle
I won't blame their testosterone shackling & their weakness
This time I wish you loved your self
only this time


another poem that had to be shared, hoping some sisters out there can read and perhaps decide to take the power back and to be their own.

I often think about this, how women became half of themselves for a man, this is so sad.
As for these men they are so weak.
Their power resides only in controlling, how pathetic.

People have to be reminded what Love is sometimes.
A lot of ego is taking part in painful relationship because no one really dares to give in to Love, what it merely is. The beauty of it.







Another twig though springtime is gone already
Gabriel Gabriel sing for me lullabies for her
In her dreams for me
She's waving from the other side
Seraphim are holding books and taking notes
Filling pages of the sounds of my love tears
You're not there I don't even know your face
But in all the petals of light I wrote how much I miss you
Letting my heart swirls yearning for this blessing
Come little darling we've been waiting for thee
Blood roses spiralling around my china breaks
Lilith dances in my laces and she says
How pure this love can be
Pomegranate leaking on my chest
I wait for the magic to come
Hail all the angels
Impregnating my souls to the saraswati waters
Poetic ripples in the depths of my heart
Bring me my daughter!
I am a mother!
Bring me my daughter!
(...)

Helenina's tsunami babies : colorful emotions,hushed smiles,bleeding corazons and weeping eyes on the most beautiful horizons...

Oh God! will I manage to blog just once in a month?
I don't know.




The clouds are gliding in my mind
First comes the coma white in my spirit
the hands of the clock always threatening
attaching weight of guilt around my doll neck
I just want to collapse on my bed of cherries
To fly away in my nonsensical circus of dreams
The enchanting sweet funfair where colors are alive
I conceal all the question marks under the sheets
I don't want to see their grey faces
I want to swirl in poetry fields and open my arms to your silences
I'd pick flowers of semantic for thee only for thee
But the day goes in shades of grey
I eat some clouds & yawn all day
I sigh come back it is so grey
Without you my whimsical poem
without you it's not the same





Is that I feel I have nothing to say or that I cannot write down everything that I think.
I always have so much to say about any and everything just sometimes tired to speak, lazy to take the time to write.



also like this song says something are better left unsaid for who would understand me but me myself and I.

People who come with their big sandals of judgements, analyses,prejudice and such.
Everyone has their opinion on everything.
I do not mind sharing my soul.
But I keep the best for my dearest ones.

I am already so giving, so naked(yes soul and body) in my work and poetry.








I really am a dreamer and a poetic story tellers.
I breathe romantic semantic fields fresh air, I live for this somehow.
Emotions nurture me and they keep me alive oh so alive also they keep my Muse at work.

I also believe I'm a Muse for rent.
How much?
it's kinda free.
All I want back is to see more art, more love spreading,emotions,sharing,a pay it forward.
To give so people give, learn how to give again, to trust again, to remember they too can be muse and they too can do good down here.

Is it important?
Yes for how it feels.

so the pictures above are from my clown series.
Inspired by many girls who did this and especially the beautiful Elle Moss who is a lovely whimsy one of a kind inspiration.
A woman photographer so creative that I admire a lot.

Everyone wanted to know what the clown means.

so it begins like this once a upon a time, in many centuries before, a nonsensical princess fell in love with a poem that thought he was a clown...
This is surely the root of it, so she became a clown, expressing his feelings,reassuring him too that she was a clown too not such a princess.
It brought to life new branches with blossoming words thank to the magical hours of poetry and laughters.


I painted too of course, I am not totally idle while away from blog;)



click to see bigger:-)

Who can misread the Pages of Love True?

I love that one so much, I was so happy with her face style and the colors.
She looks kinda sad but her sanctuary is filled with emotions.
I think Angelyrah wants to tell the world that to love true is better than True love, but she's never sure of her own thinking.
She's forever incomplete and learning, yes kinda like me, but she's not me I am not her.


this is my Princesse of chocolate mustache,such a story,in ten years again she'll make me laugh with warmth in my heart.



Fragmented Bliss in True Devotion #158

for my one a day series that is going on till 200 and then well I don't know



I cannot be severed/I am whole, too squares for one soul,one story.



that's the question of these days sometimes:
how far can I be me how far can I be home

My dear sister of soul Chantal said all the way:-)
she must be right.
Home is in my soul so I should feel safe everywhere I go.

Do I still live in my own prison.
A lovely girl at flickr made me think today.
Are the bars of my self doubts and silly fears still preventing me to go further?

I always believe in art I creatively find ways to push the limits, to always go further, to renew but in life I am also very comforted in the same.
ok let me explain this.
I am used to my life, my pseudo comfort, I mean I'm not rich I live in a small but lovely apartment with a big bathroom so luminous and wonderful place to be:)
I enjoy the countryside everytime I go out,I keep on being so aware of this luck to be here though I am damn human beings I wish I had a house, a garden,be more secure financially,independent financially...
Maybe I'd love to have babies too.
but yes I'm a new born coward:-) I fear the consequences of having a child.
responsibilities.lack of time for me, my art and my missions( laughing)

Yes you can see me as selfish or whatever you want to interprete through my words but Goddess know I'd be so very devoted to my children, I will have them.
Hopefully.

I don't know.
I just want to give myself to humanity for now.
my own ways.
Kinda like God in the morning above the clouds He wakes up and thinks ok right which person I'm gonna listen, grant wishes too, make smile, make feel , laugh etc today?

laughing.
Ok ok come on I dont really have that megalomiac Messiah syndrome?!
^___^
I just at my own level want to do something good.
It is my path.
A fact.
Something I cannot deny or do as if I'd better take care of myself first.
I do take care of myself.
I do.
It selfishly makes me happy to make another one happy.
laughing.

This life is so beautiful sometimes.
I always wonder why I ache so very much at other times.
Mood swings fae child.

so how far can I be me?
I am me.
I also believe and am aware people see illusions of me, through my art,photoshop images and poetry.
This is a percent of me, or my personas, my fictions, my emotions turned into fairytales, my passion bleeding through colorful births.

I am always freer of those images of me.
I know there will always be someone to see bad or negative things in me and my behaviours,some people will always have time to waste.
I share my positive vibes, I am far from flawless but I am quite happy to be me even if yes that's true I do happen to feel like shit or empty or lost.

I know I will always have those moments when I step back into my old self universe,because she has things to teach me still.
Just like my inner wild child fae, I will never forsake her ;-)
I am nothing without her.
I am blessed I have kept her safe with me along the year, she still shines through me making me live this life the better way for me, experiencing everything with more awareness,making peace with all judgements inside my mind etc.

I still have my anxiety disorder.
I know sometimes why.
Part of that most stupid idea we have called Guilt!
Thank God, give me five!
why did you create Guilt by the way?
it s such a waste of time and energy!

so I dig some holes to collect that vain guilt feelings and I burry.
It causes me some sleepless nights.



Title:Metallic blood tears for my marble lips hammering the muddy chaos in her garden corroding the silver threads of her nightmare filled sleepless nights

and the poem to go along:

A story without air
a story without her
a story without sense
a story without doors
without ways out
without windows
without light
Strange how your beauty is stronger than the pain
A story without me
A story with thousands I'm sorry
A story of tightrope walkers so afraid of heights
Thin line where sin lies
A story without stars
without full moon for the devil of noon
Stranger how your Light is stronger than the rain in my head
A story with no ground
A story without keys
a story with no sound
A story without words(...)

and sometimes I feel like this:


that surely makes me more like a real true human beings each day aye?




and that's me with my adorable love my so dear darling my anchor my life the one I am not sure I could live without except if he would leave me ,I'd just live in denial and pout, kidding:-)

Yes it's true I don't only love him, I adore my dearest souls, the gardeners of my heart,the precious ones I'd give anything to, they are family,friends, they mean so much to me that the only important thing to me is that they KNOW this and SEE the real me.


I won't ever look the flowers the same ways...

I truly have the best friends I've ever wanted and dreamt to have that's why I feel guilty when I cant feel alive happy and grateful though I know it s just an emotion, a phase not the person I am.

I remember the years before, where was I? who was I?
it's amazing!
I had to wait ages.
But now It's true.
Yes not perfect, they all live miles away.
Who cares?
who said everything should be perfect?
I cannot imagine this life without them.
and it feels good to know they exist.









home again
whole again
young again
fun again
free again
clean again
(extract of the cure love song)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbijjEQXWSQ&feature=related
the sound is crappy but I adore that version and her silly impro with the Hurt by Nin haha she's too cool :-)

The more I live the Happier I can feel it seems, yes I do feel quite sad at times too.
I could get stuck on these incapacities, lacks,blockages,powerlessness,flaws,guilt,fears,doubts and so forth but I just go on,move on.
I have my unborn babies inside of me so I always have a thousands reasons to go on.to keep loving and living and making any sorts of artworks I want to do.

I regret a little my lack of ambition ,organisation all the things that makes me feel like a loser at times, I am sorry to myself, but I try to compensate with other things.
I better live on love/emotions than money.
Yes forever hopeless romantic dreamer.
That does not mean I can't handle the real world.
I do what I have to do now, what I feel is the right alley for me.
I guess it does me good:


title: Interview Express

- helenina do you have a moment please?
-why not?
-so tell me helenina have you found your smile back today?
-sure...did I lose it?(smiling mischievously)
-well you sound so very sad sometimes...
-it's just life emotions, I'm going with the flow you know(smiling pensively)
-how do you feel about all the kind messages you receive everyday?
(giggling)
-it feels good, I am not sure what to think though, I'm just me and sometimes strangely enough I feel I have the world on my shoulder and that I have to take care of others surely why I'm aching so bad tonight...
-Do you care at all?
-I do, I am so blessed, everyone who stop on my soul I'm quite thankful, I bless them, they help me bear my own self( laughing loud) I'm just kidding I have made peace with her now, old stories( smiling)
-But sometimes some find you agressive?
-they do? oh come on look at me ( lamb eyes ^_^)
ok ok I am sorry, blame it on my mood swings and also I get the feeling I cannot do everything that I want so I am frustrated, I really love to listen to people's stories and see how I can help, it's just that I really can not save the world...sometimes I look at me from outside and I say " come girl aren't you insane or what?"
I do spread myself too thin, leaves me energyless and grumpy, but I love human beings truly and my dearest friends so very dearly...
-you're a good soul
-they say so...but you see those teeth ( wink) it says don't cross the line...
(laughing again)
- so how is your new life as a witch in Houdan's Dungeon?
- I like it. Look at the view so beautiful...the more I walk here the less I imagine a life in a city, I surely would die...I need nature!
-any projects ?
-well I'm trying to get more published,things like that, but this life has chosen to make me receive always more love than money so I take what life gives to me...Honestly you know what I prefer ( mischievous wink)
- okay I won't take more of your time, just a last question perhaps?
-sure
-where was it?
Laughing and waving goodbye in her silent smile...




When I do those vintage effects on my pictures I am obviously or not(laughing pathetic me) inspired by Gary Isaac's style who is a god of Photography to me.

I admire so many photographers they are a true inspiration and a blessing for the eyes that feels further the image.
I sometimes wish I'll be as good as them.
I am improving and I am soon going to buy a better camera.
Perhaps this weekend,I keep on thinking and alas I need a new a washing machine, the one we have seems broken.











Houdan(quite glad of this kinda panoramic view)
isn't it such a lovely frenchy town lost in the countryside?
^_^




That makes me want to buy a bike to ride everywhere, to ride and stop somewhere for a pic nic with my sebastien.
Perhaps we'll do that as soon as we can afford to buy bikes.
In the meantime we have nice walk outs.


I love that little summer dress, I have it since my 17 years old ;-)
(boasting off ;-)
haha

I truly have so much more to say.
I keep on being the witness of beauty in everything, I don't have tv since we've moved it the wires have a problems it seems.
so I am awfully unaware about politics problems wars hungers and all drama or reality.
Do I miss it?
I don't know.

Yesterday feeling so bad, in physical pain I watched some dvd Dawson's creek.
Don't laugh.
I will forever adore that tv show, shamelessly.
Made me feel oh God how life flies, how lovely teen times can look sometimes but of course yes I remember the horror of it too ;-)

Yet I believe sometimes My life is like a book that has to be written,full of fantastic stories that always look so incredible, magical,one of a kind, my paper journal is made of thousands memories and remembering and also quest for more understanding, more balance, more sharing always.

My paper journal is made of all the things I don't feel like sharing here, I am blessed to be an artist and to have this life.
I just hope I can live that way much longer and that it's indeed always happier and better.
It does seem so ;)
I love it!