mercredi 31 octobre 2007

Another Fight I guess...I just want to LIVE

thanks so much to , , , andfor reacting to my previous post; blessings and hugs to you girls thank you!

I was sleeping sort of quietly ,maybe not so ,I can t remember my dream or what happen, but I woke up suddenly and my head was turning, feeling very dizzy,the whole room around me was turning!
I swear I have never had that kind of panic attack!

I dont know what happened to me, I just felt so awful
It was so dark in the room because the fucking alarm radio clock had been switch off ,it was so scary not to focuse, to be like on some awful caroussel you know
sincerely I love caroussels for aesthetics and metaphore but I am way too emotive and hyper sensitive to go on something that turns :D

so the panic attack began wildly and violently, eating me totally.
I haven t had this since august 13 ,2004 and I know the date because I had to go to emergency hospital...this time too I had to go to emergency room but in the middle of the night,so bad!!

but I was acting like a mad girl
I hate this
I am sane, I love playing with words and love sweet madness, but I'm perfectly sane in spite of being a strange little fae.
I am stable, I am no more manic depressive, I have recovered and I had fought for years fucking anxiety disorder and now out of the blue it s fucking back and Goddess knows why???

yes I want to KNOW why
That pisses me off, I am angry at myself
what did I do?
what did I hide to myself?
what are these repressed thoughts that causes this blowing fuse!????
for those who know panic attacks, it s like the image of the hen who's off with her head and go on running

I was feeling I was dying really, could not breath, fainted so bad, and drench myself entirely with cold water, like a mad girl, and almost wanted to throw myself by the window
ahhahaha
now I laugh, but I just slowly feel better

I still have the sensation of not being align in space...how to put that...I feel still dizzy
ok lack of sleep probably
but I had 1,96g of sugar in blood when they tested my blood at hospital, hope it was because I ate lots of sugar to feel better thinking I was fainting because of this.

what's wrong with my brain God?
I guess if I were closer to God as I used to be I would not be that scared I would pray and feel better, I don't know...
I will need a nap
tried to phone my doctor to have an appointed before the one I already have for next week but alas it's complete
I will see at the chemistry if I can have some meds( homeopathy) they wont fucking drug me I am sane
I am stable
I love this life and I have no problems except worries of money and such
I have worries like everyone else maybe I should write a list in my diary to vent
not to hide everything and do as if it was alright
maybe I need to scream and swear
Oh Goddess I swear already so much

strange experience
I am alive though so I'm glad, just still nervous and worried
I know I need sport I will try to exercise alone today and maybe I will also try some yoga today in my room
I know I need these things in my life to feel fine

There is no real important or shocking reason for this sudden panic attack so I hope it can be cured quickly and I ll be fine again and not have to go again in another battle against my body, or this brain of mine

I almost want to cry inside because I swear I have fought already enough to be the me I am and I was proud of this, I was proud I had taken the control back, It's all fucked up

I can't bear the winter time, I can t bear the darkness around at all
I hate this
I hate to see it s what 5 o clock in the evening and it s dark already I can t bear this
Maybe I need t buy those lamps
what makes me feel still anxious now is that seb wants to go meet his parents , leave for two night with the cats, but alone here and yes two nights

I am a big girl yes I know, I am not stupid dependent and all, I have made, I can make it again, I am just so scared to feel this again, I can't

I never had the turning room thing in my panic attack,if someone knows anything about this, tell me, I wont take antianxylitic
because I ll get dependent, I m fragile
I would easily use crutches to live if they make me feel good and safe
I guess I love this life but I am still kind of scared of, of all the darkness, the worse things that can happen

no halloween for me
laughing
I feel bad
well in France we dont celebrate halloween
I have to have breakfast now ,take a shower, it ll give me some comfort and then I'll see at the chemistry what they can give me

if I m alright the whole day and can sleep well tonight then I will maybe just go to my parents when seb leaves
I'd rather not be alone I dont know...maybe I should
oh God
I need to take the control back
I can help other souls why couldn't I help mine

well honestly I had forgotten how awful anxiety disorder could be, sad :(((
I thought I would never had to live that again...
well I am stupid because some people live so much worse things, I should relativise

I will try, I m trying, just that everything looks different today for me
I will surely have a nap after lunch
I had to cancel my English class sadly :((
I give an english class to a little student, but I am way too far from myself now

I guess I need to paint this today, hope it'll help
maybe I also will need to let go some emotions

the sky is so blue, I will also phone my dear mom, I need to talk to her

free hugs for you all( yes yes I need them too)

merci beaucoup for having been there and sending empathy energies towards, I am grateful

11 commentaires:

ISA ^_^ a dit…

Hugs !!!
ISA ^_^

lily cherry a dit…

hi helen, I write you in my language, beacause is easier for than english....
hope ypu can translate this, or maybe you know spanish too...

He leido comote has sentido. M equede un poco impresionada con lo que has comentado porque te senti muy mal.
Te escribo porque yo tambien he sufrido esos ataques hace algunos anos,he tenido tambien crisi muy serias y he ido a para al hospital tambien. pero eso no ha vuelto a pasar, ahora tengo un hijo maravilloso y mi vida es mas estable.
Quiero solo decirte que no te sientas sola. Los fantasma en la cabeza empiezan a existir cuando somos debiles interiormente. no los dejes pasar, rodeate siempre de un circulo de Luz que te de proteccion, en cada momento. Puede ser debido al stress, al trabajo y ocsas que te preocupan, aunado a que estas sola estos dias en casa. La ansiedad se produce en la mente. Haz cosas, ejercitate, muevete, sal a caminar, haz yoga, pinta y piensa menos. Respira profundo y lento, lo unico que puedo recomendarte es tomar muchas infusines de melissa y talves flores de bach.
y sobre todo (talves te suene estupido..) create una burbuja de proteccion alrededor de ti y habla con tu angel o guia para que te de proteccion y paz mental.
recuerda que no estas sola. trata de pasar tu dia en compania y si teneis algo que contar escribeme.
Un abrazo.

Sandra a dit…

Helenina--I too have had panic attacks on and off for 20 years. I have found that taking a medication called Alprazolom/Xanax helps. It's not anything that you've done or not done; they just happen on their own. It's so very scary when it does happen, though. Mine have stopped for now, thankfully. But I know that after I have a panic attack, I feel exhausted for the rest of the day. The first time it happend to me I thought I was having a heart attack and I was only 20 years old!
I am sending hugs to you and wishes that you feel better. Be especially nice to yourself today, OK?
Thank you, too, for visiting my blog and for your kind words both there and on my flickr artwork.

lily cherry a dit…

Ciao Helen, how are you now?
I have seen the painting you have made today. I'm happy you have reached to give expression to this unhappy feeling. (did i said it right?....) better in spanish. Ademas de todo espero hayas podido tranquilizarte y poner tu mente en paz. Compraste el rescue r.?
Espero que tu dia llegue a su final en paz y tranquilidad y que las cosas mejoren el dia de manana.
Veras que cuando regrese tu chico todo sera mejor y te sentiras mas segura y protegida.
Me da gusto que hayas podido traducir mi mensaje!
Quiero agradecerte tambien por todos los maravillosos comentarios que has dejado en mis trababjos y sobre todo gracia spor visitar mi blog, me da gusto que lo hayas hecho. Yo desde hace mucho tiempo te tengo como link dentro de mi blog.
bueno espero todo se mejore y estes mejor.
sabes que puedes platicar conmigo si necesitas algo.
Muchos buenos deseos y un abrazo!
Ale.

SooticasDream a dit…

Oh sweetie! *HUGS!*
I had my first panic attack for about 4 years this Summer.
So I can understand the shock, confusion & frustation.
Did you know that 60% of suspected heart attacks taken to hospital here in the UK are panic attacks??
There are techniques you can use to help the panic attack pass...
* Acknowledge that it is a panic attack.
*Close your eyes & take deep breaths
*Try & distract your mind with something else. Make some tea, have a bath, etc
* Remember it WILL pass.

If I have an attack these are the things I do & it does help.

During the Summer when it was a MASSIVE attack, my Mum was there. See made me look in her eyes (difficult when I was crying so much), then held me close & told me to breath in time with her. She kept telling me it's ok, it will pass. I soon calmed down, I was shaking for the rest of the day, but was functioning.
Maybe get Seb to do this too if another attack happens?

I don't know about anxiety, but with Depression receptors within your brain actually start dying off, which is why the mood drops. Anti-depressents trigger the brain to produce more receptors!
What I'm saying is that it is NOT your fault. Maybe the dark days trigger your brain to lessen your receptors? & when the sunlight comes back it triggers your brain to "heal"??
It is something you cannot control so you cannot blame yourself for it.

Maybe try to relax more during these dark months. Wear some lavender perfume, wear bright colours, meditate, play with Takun, breath deeply (yoga is good for learning this), paint, DEMAND Seb hug you more!! ;P etc..... also try & find some "natural light" light bulbs (the glass is blue in colour) as they should help a little with the dark hours as the light is MUCH better, plus it's easier to paint in!

I know its all easier said than done....I should listen to my own advice, but you have nothing to loose by trying...
I hope you're feeling better very soon!
(((((((HUGS))))))

She Who Flies a dit…

Happy Halloween/Samhain, dear Witch of Light!!! Continuing to send you healing vibes and prayers to soothe your body and your mind. Hugs,

Jen a dit…

Oh...i'm so sorry you were awoken by that terrible feeling...when you had not had one for so long...of course, you wonder "why now!" and the frustration and wondering what to expect....you know, eric told me he has had panic attack and his mother too...this was before I met him...so I have not been with him during that....I just know from med school how "bad" they can feel and also I remember how there does not need to be a "trigger"...it is only with it happening over different times, that sometimes a pattern or some factor contributing can be figured out, I think...(I mean haven't you had some stressors over the years since 1994 and no panic attack then, right...) if there is even a factor..of course it doesn't mean that you couldn't also have a "panic attack" at a time when you might be having terrible unusual stress...but it could be true -true-and still unrelated..ya know...--that being said, i believe in mind-body connection in that sense of state of mind predisposing body to problems...sometimes it is a factor that can be thought about and minimized in future times..

helene, there is also the body----mind connection...where things are happening in that direction...where the body system or part of system is not working at the time and then the mind is dealing in one possible expected way with it...why?...not sure...not sure if anyone knows..maybe i can look into that..

maybe it is a condition where both there is a issue with the body not doing right thing then...and it may "go along" with a problem with mind where there is a sense of impending doom that happens more quickly than it might for another..and so it is as if it "just is"...there is no little bit more time given for interpretation otherwise...such as waking with a cold sweat and thinking only.."oh my where am i, i am disoriented, and scared and then some attempts or natural slowing of breathing as the person is still "there" and taking in more information ..maybe as waking up and eyes adjusting to light... then there may be thoughts of ..."maybe i just had a nightmare"

the "panic attack" is definately a physical state...feeling that "sympathetic nervous system activity" and then there comes the anxiety producing thoughts over and above the thoughts that may be there when these times happen

well, i'm not sure about that last possibility being true for people with "panic attack"...interesting, i think..unless you have it or know and care about someone who does..then it is frustrating...still to have some questions that nobody knows for sure...

anyway...so as Catriona says...please don't feel badly...responsible somehow...it is alot biological (remember lots of people have stress and lots don't do good things or whatever...and some do!..but not everyone has panic attacks..but lots do, unfortuanately too...from all places and backgrounds or whatever

...the heart rate goes up, the breathing quickens and the thoughts of choking or dying come......those thoughts are generated...thoughts can be thought about..which is a good thing..and thus in some ways..they can be affected and be treatment in of themselves...maybe not stopping times where the body goes into that unexpected stimulated mode...but maybe how it feels and how long it takes to normalize it again can be helped alot ...by thinking...and recognizing what we say or believe or worry....and not dismissing things, but learning more and more what to try to make it stop...and if it isn't doing that..then being evaluated in ER or doctor's office...good idea...you had to...good to have someone to talk about the symptoms with who gets to know you and can advise you if you aren't sure what you are or have experienced..

people can have panic attacks when things are going great...no stressors...just anything.. and like Catriona says, it is worthwhile maybe trying to consciously slow the breathing when and if the feeling of panic attack comes and thinking thoughts and saying that it will pass...that you are o.k. and not going to die, for instance...

I didn't know so many suspected heart attacks are panic attacks..but I know we were always supposed to keep it on the list of possible diagnoses for someone experiencing real physical symptoms and feelings of anxiety..I think it may be that the physical symptoms happen at times when they just don't happen normally and then the brain misinterprets...well, really...how should it interpret that sensation...does not make sense as it's not during a running race or when watching scarey movie...it's just "whenever" and "whereever"...

I think the rest of the advice sounds really good...it is great to know someone who has "been there"...who has experienced it, too....

oh, i hope you feel better soon...what a "shocker" in the middle of the night...wherever
you decide to be when seb is at his parent's....if you want to talk then...we can plan it?

I know that there is no sense in taking a medicine to prevent panic attacks per se...because it is difficult to know how often there would be one...maybe you will not have another for years or ever (ah, i hope so)...but some people do take something when it is happening, I think. or if it is not getting better soon enough...what "soon enough" is...depends on what each person thinks...it's subjective...

but if you can recognize the panic attack for "what it is" at the time and try the mind thoughts to control the body..to tell it what's really going on and to "slow the nervous system down"...."telling the body" to breath more slowly and heart to beat more slowly...to use visualization of things that can be calming even in the midst of the feeling of the opposite...to focus on another person's words or some music or to repeat statements to contridict the anxious/frightening ideas...

it can work to stop the process ...have you heard of biofeedback treatment which= is helpful for some people with various anxiety conditions...it is amazing how a mind can learn to affect it's own "brainwaves"...to affect thought and all that can flow from there...changes in body also...heartrate, breathing...the power of the mind...

what is described with panic attack reminds me of OCD...(obsessive compulsive disorder)...you know, lily has that...she may be interpreting a feeling...like the sensation of clothing on her body or the feeling of her hair being brushed in the morning..as an uncomfortable feeling...but more than that...her brain has an problem where it will think a thought that is not necessarily even logical...and she can know that, but it "feels" sooooo real..

she may think, for instance..that as her hair is brushed that side then it is really physically longer than the other(impossible..it is what it is on days when she thinks not and on days when OCD isn't "talking to her")...she thinks that it is real..and the only way to make it not so, is to stop brushing the hair...the more she "pushes" through such times...in other words, the more she does the opposite of what her "brain" is telling her to do(the OCD part which is not functioning right at times...thus OCD)....the better it would be for her..because it "trains" her brain to "move on" from the "tape recorded message of OCD that "screams" in her head then...

and hopefully she will learn to recognize when OCD thoughts are there..and quickly "talk bacK"....resist strengthening the OCD thought by "buying into" it...meaning by "Believing it" and "speaking it" too..or by listening and altering her normal behavior because it says so! WEll, it takes time and doing it..and how uncomfortable it seems ...i wish i could do it for her:(

JUst like with panic attacks...she can have one of these times when everything seems just fine...when neither of us could identify some trigger...but i have noticed that when she has lack of sleep (luckily not as often as her mom:oP)...she may have more chance of having it affect her...and maybe if she is under some other stress...maybe it increases the chances that it can happen...

so what we do is try to look at some possible contributing factors but be o.k. not knowing sometimes the "why" as sometimes there is not any "why"...there is just life that others live as well...that if there was not a difference in her brain (the part that gets stuck in the cycle of anxiety producing thoughts...thoughts that have a "magical thinking" quality(i've heard it called)...like it isn't quite true or possible or is highly unlikely...instead of the thought passing through barely noticed...

it gets stuck and ...only unstuck if she does what it is then..that will make her feel bad..or if she just feels the bad feeling..accepts it..labels it for what it is..and then gets stronger voice in "talking back"...creating a path forward from the round and round thoughts...

do you think it sounds similar in that way to panic attack...there is a dysregulation...something not working right then and it "doesn't make sense" and because of this...it feels particularly bad and scarey...and REAL..."talking back" must be so challenging in the moment and if caught "off guard" and if unfamiliar with the immediate "why" ....

i guess there may be "whys" that can lead to increased suseptibility in people with this "glitch" meaning "thing that can be a problem sometimes because of a suseptibility"...I picture-- a wire that is loosly connected to another...so sometimes just living can lead to it loosening enough to separate briefly from the other and then....boom...trouble..until it moves back close enough to the other to connect again...some people may have a loosly connected wire...

maybe there are things like stress that can make it separate more easily..but who can expect to always know what stress...was it a series of them...was it one...was it more to do with something earlier and not in the days before...or was it just that it can happen because there is an underlying weakness in that one spot or function of the brain.....

it's a thought thing, i think:oP....of course, right! it's the brain...

but i mean..i think it has to do with interpreting body sensations and also the body can "malfunction"...the sympathetic or "fight or flight" reactions can be turned on in the wrong circumstances...and that is panic attack...

i wonder if you were dreaming and the dream thoughts caused your body to react as if it were happening...and so you increased your heart rate and breathing and who knows...maybe felt scared or maybe you were winning a race;-)...maybe it was actually a GOOD dream...but when you awoke...the "loose wire spot" disconnected enough to have that anxiety that is panic attack...and of course you must have been so disoriented waking from sleep...so the strength of this panic attack was "bad"...

so in time you will i hope just not have another...but it is not a personal weakness...it is the body..the mind...the two....it does not make "sense" ..yet it does make sense in a way...biologically...

what does not make sense yet is why one person has this happen and another does not...some people don't take care of themselves as they might...neglect health when they don't have to...because of wrong choices or something..but they don't have panic attacks..and maybe they sleep well every night....

some people have a body that in one little but critical way...does not function as it should...maybe it was never anything that could have been avoide...maybe it was in the genes at birth..it just was...

but though much is known...so much still is not...all the "why's"...for some things it is "simple" or so we think...like for certain lung cancer...most if not all only happen if a person has smoked...but for this panic attack...it just isn't like that...nobody knows why any individual would be more likely than another to have it...but it is one of so many things that can happen to people...so if no one else can tell you for sure the why now and why then...then please know that you can think of possible factors that might loosen the wire some...but sometimes it's not an avoidable factor, maybe...and probably that particular wire is already alittle loose..nothing you did...

hope you don't take offense:oP with this talk of "loose wires"...i feel i can talk like that, because i know i have a "loose wire" too..probably a few;-)....

but you have some wonderful unique...extra helpful wiring too, ya know?

here i am talking like I know...but i have not had a panic attack...and i have not been up on medical things so maybe i should see if there is anything new in the journals... oh my i wrote alot...lots of repeating and wordiness but i must run to get Lily...and just want to send this out in case you are in the mood for reading long comment:oP

thinking of you. love, jen

The Lone Beader a dit…

I hate when it gets dark so early, too... :(

Valaine a dit…

I sent you an email about this :)

~Valaine

Marie a dit…

Hello beautiful...I'm so very sorry for this tragic event in your life. I'm sure it is very frightening, and I wish I was there to give you a hug and console you. Please know that it is not something you can control, nor is it your fault. I will pray for peace and tranquility in your life and hope for quick recovery to smiles and happiness again. Blessings my dear on this sacred day.

Mich a dit…

Darling girl,

I just want to wrap you up in a rainbow.

Its healthy to pour your emotions out instead of bottling them up inside.

Its ok to sit in the darkness - to honour it, embrace it, and then move away from it.

Come and work on the chakras with us - you may find it enlightening.

mich
x.