dimanche 24 juin 2007

randomness and nostalgia

I feel weird...I don't really know what to think...
I guess I'm feeling kind of worried but I don't really want to write it down.
not like that not here.

I have spent a nice weekend at my parents.
First we went to Lille to buy beautiful watercolor paper...I can't wait to use them but I'm not sure if I can begin anything today, feel tired.
Beauty's in the paper! really! I would have never thought this before! it makes me so happy & excited to buy quality watercolor paper, I always love to imagine how all these white pages will be colored and be alive.

Weekends sometimes make me feel lonely. I dont know. less emails maybe...silly me...

I love seeing my parents, it's always a lovely time for me. Always good food, some laughters, conversations, memories,sharing...
I think my parents are more and more important to me...
I just can not imagine my life without them in this world!

Just like that episode when George homalet loses his father in Gray's anatomy...such a pain
I am sensitive like that, I feel like crying.
I just identify can imagine, I would just feel the world collapse down my feet...I just can not really imagine this you know...
why thinking of it then?

I dont know, I can't deny death, I can't just scorn it to forget about it...I know it is real.

My parents are going for a week in Marocco, I hope everything will be fine and they will have a fabulous time there! They deserve it!

Sebastien has his first interview for a job as a graphist tomorrow
I will surely drive him there because seb can't drive ( no insurance)and trains are few :P

Then Tuesday he will take place a test near Lille to be a graphist as a civil servant which means security of wages for us, but also BIG moving if he is selected!

well if he is selected he will have to take place to another test anyways and then if he succeeds he will have to choose between Paris, Paris suburbs or Lyon

I think both are polluted cities, but as a location I d rather live near Lyon
Paris seems so awful to me!

I think I'd be depressed to live there ,really not for me...

I am so worried also by all these uncertainties
I know life is full of them everyday, we dont know what will happen
we go this or that way and maybe we make mistake
we give our trust or maybe will regret
we give our love and feel worried if it was right

but maybe it's just useless to worry, just wait & see, maybe I should not think about where I'll be and what I'll do in september just take life as it comes...


When we came back from my parents, we went to a sort of medieval festival in the streets of Cambrai, there are still people in our street right now, all dressed in medieval times, doing small street theatre, there are shops too...

There was beautiful jewelries, fairies and trolls, so pretty ooooh and beautiful witches!! love that! there were all lucky charm.
love that.
I also wanted to buy me amber ear rings, I have always wanted these,dreamt sebastien would buy them to me one day? who knows...but still not.
well he was ok to buy them...just that I'd rather be surprised in fact.
I love ambers, yet it's not my color, or not a color I really like, I mean I have very hardly any orange clothes in fact...
It's like green I rarely wear green,I think it does not suit me well maybe...

well let's do my F list...

1)Friendship(without it life lacks colors I guess...)
3)failure ( something hard to digest)
4)faillible( I think we all make mistakes, I try to be very indulgent and accept people's attitude even if sometimes it might hurt I try to forgive and see if things can be worked out if there is something behind their attitude, I dont forget people's potential...
5)forgiveness, I am very ambivalente about it sometimes yes sometimes no
it depends I mean.
there are things that cross my mind and I feel no ways this can not be forgiven!
but as for friends I think I can generally forgive.
I am sometimes daring to be naive and to be wrong, like the last time I gave Eva a chance, I thought she was real and sincere in her letter that this time she would not leave with silence to offer...she showed how she was feeling bad about her mistakes and though secretly parts of me knew she would do the same I just thought I couldn't close my door to her, soul sisters are so rare!
I knew she would leave, I knew it was a possibilities but I preferred to share the time she wanted to give me, I did not know how long or little it would be , I just enjoyed it deeply.
would I forgive again?
But it'll never ever be like before. I dwell in possibilities and sometimes it's just too late to find back what we had.

life is life. I don't feel any regrets though.
I think of her right now just because I got a full deco( decorated booklets to decorate a page and pass on and on from penpals to another and then back to the person its made for) made by her for me, writing to my dearest friend Helenina...

time flies...

but it's true that this made me think that True friendship is such a difficult thing to get, I wonder how people do to have friends with whom they keep contact and know it'll be forever, trust in this, they just feel it...

I have often felt it and been wrong. I dont know what to think.
But I love my friends.

6)Freedom, the most beautiful utopia, I mean it. Because I can't believe we are free
knowing we're walking this only big certainty to die and be separated from our beloved ones, ok, maybe not...maybe it's different, maybe I'm just scared, maybe I'm loving life too much...
I feel some freedom though in my art, when I write, when I can share my soul with beloved ones, when I love, when I want to give, it's a freedom because your heart feels so light and luminous...

I wish there would be more freedom of thoughts in this world, when I see women in some countries, I feel very sad...

7)fae child, the inner tiny fae spirit inside your soul that can teach you so much, that can tell you anything is possible at anytime of the day,this spontaneity, this cheerful enthusiasm, this inspiration , a deliverance maybe, freedom to be complete, to choose one's path listening to our muses

8)faceted, I think we all are, we bear different personas inside us, they all can teach us something make us act weird because of the paradoxes, it's what make each persons so unique... multi dimensional...

9)fading... some memories, infancy, childhood, I can recall a lot but things slowly fade away and if I reread old journal, especially those I was 13 I can find some treasures , maybe things that could help me understand myself better now and see what was wrong etc...who I was, who I am...

10)falling, that strange sensation when I fall asleep as if I were falling in the rabbit's hole( alice in wonderland) and my heart beats fast!

11)family, one of the most important thing to me.
I might not show it that much because I have been bred that way, but I am very attached to my parents, I love them so much, it's blood, love, memories, I can count on them anytime too and they are great people really!
I am lucky to have them as parents

12)feathers, love the word and love the peacocks one

13)flea markets, love them very much,so many things to find for a bargain but I dont go to them much, there is the biggest one in Lille in september, I can't wait for it, I ll find vintage photos,papers,ephemera, keys ...

14)flaw, I like some of them, little breaks and frailties in others, it is touching, I love when people can be vulnerable sometimes...

15)floating... reminds me a song by pj Harvey

We wanted to find love
We wanted success
Until nothing was enough
Until my middle name was excess

Somehow I lost touch
When you went out of sight
When you got lost into the city
Got lost into the night

I was in need of help
Heading to blackout
Till someone told me "run on in honey
Before somebody blows your goddamn brains out"

You shoplifted as a child
I had a model's smile
You carried all my hopes
Until something broke inside
But now

We float
Take life as it comes
We float
Take life as it comes

So will we die of shock?
Die without a trial?
Die on Good Friday?
While holding each other tight

This is kind of about you
This is kind of about me
We just kinda lost our way
We were looking to be free
But one day

We'll float
Take life as it comes
We'll float
Take life as it comes

But one day
We'll float
Take life as it comes

(when I see lyrics like that I cant write anymore, I get this feeling all the beauty in the world have already been written by the greatest)

thinking of it Jen I think you look kinda like Pj Harvey...

nothing to do, but this is soo cool to see both Great singer songwriter artist like this , so great, kinda cheer me up tonight!

While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love
In a ball of yarn

He'll never return it

So when you come back
We'll have to make new love

He'll never return it

When you come back
We'll have to make new love

While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn
The devil collects it
With a grin
Our love, our love,
In a ball of yarn

He'll never return it

When you come back
We'll have to make new love

He'll never return it

When you come back
We'll have to make new love

He'll never return it

When you come back
We'll have to make new love

Good evening everyone...

and for the getting to know you at create a connection,I am totally late but Charlotte http://charleyana.wordpress.com/
asked for us to talk about music and memories attached to them...

I'd say any kind of music of the 80's reminds me the safety of childhood, the good times, innocence, when you think you will live forever, when you dont worry much...

Dire strait

Dire strait

Michael jackson

I was such a fan of Michael Jackson, you can still hear me singing 80's songs in my car out loud like a crazy girl ahah, it fills me with the sugary joy of travelling through times and finding my childhood again, I am such a chronical hopeless nostalgic

I could songs like Final countdown by Europe, ahah as a child I loved it so much!!
my type of guys ahah, exactly like the pretty boys in Jem and the holograms, one of my fav cartoons


hey don't cry fellow sisters of the 80's ;)

2 commentaires:

Jen a dit…

hi helene;)
oh my....the Final Countdown
that brings me right back to a childhood time

I think I see the resemblance with PJ ...how interesting. wish I could sing like that!

I enjoyed getting lost in your nostalgia...

hope you are feeling fine as the weekend comes to an end.

hope the week brings good news..what you would want seb and helene...

I've always liked amber jewelry also, though it has never been a good color for me...I've always thought.

what a rich post of randomness...could comment everywhere...thinking of you
and of true friendship

Jen a dit…

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul--
And sings the tune without words
And never stops--at all.

--Emily Dickinson