mardi 3 avril 2007
nothing but a percent of me, this negative side...
Radiate(available,ask if interested)
Ma robe d'ombre
Walking with Ganesha
These are my latest big artworks
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
I am alone so who cares?
It's just a part of this life,part of my being,part of my path here...
there are days I dance and twirl in the place of solitude, I found beauty in this loneliness,I grow,I learn,I evolve & I'm free.
and other days like today I feel I hardly can breathe.
Well maybe I just had a very bad night(evil migraine, couldn't sleep,nauseas,anxiety...)
I feel that solitude,the absence of connection & real building of friendship ties ,those which requires patience,time,loving kindness,tolerance,indulgence and so much work ahah ^____^
this absence is sometimes unbearable.
I really am often on the verge of wondering is it my fault?can't anyone really be interested in me or love me as a dear friend?
I don't know, I dont have much answers today,or most of them are bitter,cold and tired.
I'm a zombie today.
I don't really exist for anyone out there.
Yes I know my family,my sébastien ,my sister, they do care about me ,I just feel I have so much to share and wasting it,burrying it, not being able to find the like minded women to give this too...
I feel reduced to put ads to find creative sisters to which some immature bored people like to answer with irony, how beautiful...almost could disapoint you for good about the humanity what remains? where is Empathy?
I have received a letter today and it brightened my day,but yet these doubts " does anybody care?" still echo inside of me.
What about me?
Do I care?
Let's be honest I feel kinda disenchanted about relationship.
I always am ready to fall in love,those sweet liquor of soul infatuation but who can make these passion last?
It's a both way work...
I always want others to be happy even those I don't know,or those I read sad blog posts sometimes...
I always feel I would have that tiny spark to help them, to give to them something in order to remind them the lights,the ways...
I guess I'm the sick and the healer at the same time.
That's one of the reason I make art.
I talk about the wounds, the scars and sickness & I heal, I share, I bring back the colors to my blackened heart...
I am not so dark. I just dramatize my existence perhaps...
I have lived too many emotions,too much stress lately and it made me be rather cold...
still sorry about my misunderstanding with C. though I feel powerless with these things.
I am only talking about the negative energies of my daily routine because I focuse on this and because I feel heavy with silences & absence.
I just want to cry if only I could...just would give me another migraine,so not much of use...
I used to have so many interactions, so many comments at livejournal,I used to feel less alone, I also used to receive lots of letters and packages...Did I get used to these?
Did I think it was for real and would last?
I wanted too. I wanted to believe...
you know these delicate hopes, like honey like butterflies & soon charcoal blood trails...
believe in miracles!dare to be naive dare to dream...
Maybe I'm too hard to please to make friends for life?
Sometimes I found myself walking alone in the streets and saying to myself:
"you're so cold, you can not make friends because you don't have that key charm anymore...there's something broken,maybe even your lock is defective...
you're so cold & used to this reclusive life how could you love, how could you trust?
you're getting so cold..."
Yet I'm much more than this.
There are so many things in this life I don't trust,don't believe in...everything looks always so unreal,fake or uncertain you know...I can really walk on convictions roads...except in my own mind map...
there it is safe.
Not everywhere though.I still can trap my own .
I feel I immensely lack of ambitions. I am so passive.
Yes I work,I search,I do things but I always feel it's not enough.
I feel a leash or something that prevents me from giving more of myself,to people to this life to this world and sometimes I am close to think that anyways it's all pure nonsense, that everything is for nothing at all...
Goddess where is the positive thinker gone?who I am becoming?
okay...no drama,it is just the me of today...or several weeks ...I still can evolve and be a better person. a person I can bear...no really I love myself even when I'm so pathetic and need to vent into oblivion ,even with no make up and looking all sick and gloomy...
I love myself in spite of the venom I can bleed,spit and pour sometimes.
I have to forgive myself.
There was a time I felt I had nothing at all,then all of a sudden little by little I was surrounded,praised,loved,adored,sometimes almost worshipped at my lilacdeaddoll livejournal ahah
it was so cute, parts of me loved that and parts of me knew it wasn't real.
They only saw a side of me what they needed to see.
I have this certainty sometimes that everyone just go towards people to take something,it's for them, to be entertained,to be inspired etc...
Is it sincerely possible to love someone just for who they are?
not for what they can bring to us?
I wonder if one day there will be a person who will love my spark,my uniqueness,something free...
I love getting to know others,I think I really love people for who they are & not what they could bring to me.
that's why I'm so selective.
I used to have so called friends who would only spoil me with gifts and compliments.
Rarely did they share their soul,confide in me, talk about their inner world,share something about who they are...
Now some random confessions:
*)I suffer from raynaud disease which means I hurt from my joint fingers and have to wear gloves when I type,write or make art(except in summer thank Goddess!) but at the moment it really hurts and my fingers look really ugly and weird,kind of swollen :(
*)I really despise jealousy and envy as a human flaw and yet on my very very bad days when I feel deprived or small,or too weak, I dont know, but I envy...& I hate it.that kind of human feelings make me want to flee in the mountain or live in a buddhist temple and never see anyone anymore,live as an hermit
*)I love soul infatuation, being able to be fascinated by another mind,by their art,their sweetness,their kindness, something that touches me,resonates or inspires me!I would give so much to these rare souls but most of the time they don't give a damn...ahah...or yes maybe it is me who think so
*)I love brushes but I must admit that I give them very bad treatment, I can let them sleep in the water, I don't wash them at once...I don't like being so careless!because I'm really so glad when I buy myself a new brush!
*)I wanted to kill myself a thousand times at adolescence and till 25...Now I'm always recovering from these years of self hatred & sometimes I have that nasty tendency to see things in black or white only instead of moving forward into the different shades and find some colors down there.
*)I want to be a mother and hopefully a good one...this is one of my greatest wish in this life.
*)I can be easily scared and shy and ill at ease;but when I'm angry it just devastate all other kind of emotion...I feel strong,unbreakable...it's weird
I fear my own anger I think this is still to heal alas...maybe not I don't know...
*)I'm a cat person
*)I never iron anything, we're kind "boheme"here ;)
*)I hate the cold of winter but hardly can bear the heat of summer...yeah call me hard to please!
*)in public I always feel clumsy and ill at ease(when I feel self assured it's like maybe 7 days a year, but I do enjoy those rare days!)
*)I don't know whether or not I want to travel, I feel stuck by some fears...yet I dream to see Nepal and India before I die
*)I don't drink any acohol, except in food.
*)I'm learning how to draw, I had given up years ago and now more than ever I want to trust I can draw.It won't be klimt,Mucha,nor frida kalho but it will be me and surely it can only grow and get better with time.
I am actually working on a new painting about the weight of solitude...
I just adore drawing and painting,I don't know why I prevented myself from doing it...I guess I am like this, I procrastinate a lot,let sleep a thousand dreams, ideas and thoughts in my mind so it makes a lot of things to look forward;-)
*)I'm rather quiet & not very energetic...I am calm, walking slowly,doing things slowly( except the tidying and cleaning,I have to be active and quick for I have better things to do than chores)
*)I have a hard time understanding and I can't like people who claims they hate babies/children...it makes me feel ill at ease...they are so beautiful,precious, they can teach us so much! maybe I really see angels in the child spirits...I also see hopes, they touch my heart with their kindness,innocence and all these spontaneity...
*)I fear needles but I love acupuncture,it does help me lots with my back aches,migraines,stress and all the health problems I have.
*)I love doing gym and yoga but most of the time it reminds me my solitude,my isolation and how I can access others.
*)I am building huge hopes secretly for my moving...I dream to find true friend "here and now" over there,to go to yoga,buddhist conference/temples with,museums,concert,shopping,restaurant,someone creative to really be able to share with...someone who could accept me entirely as I am(doesn't imply loving my flaws ahah but not wanting to change me,I just cannot bear this!)
*)I feel I'm here to share lights,positive energies,spread the Love and when I feel sad and negative like today I just feel so sorry & kind of ashamed of my weakness.
well I can think of anything else...I am thingking about going back on atcs maybe, and even trading maybe...I always thought they were too small and I hadn't anything to put them in etc,excuses...maybe I just don't like working on such small shapes...
I think I could experiment new things this way,get more artful freedom!
I always think I'd like to use oil painting but I'm not sure it's for me for it has to be washed at once or else the brush is dead, and all the chemical products that stink I don't enjoy it much...maybe later when I'll have a real art studio of mine and that I coudl easily ventilate.Only the smell of gesso or certain cheap acrylic get me sick...
well I feel a little better now, off to my paintings, please if you read share some confessions with me so I can get to know you a little better :)