lundi 16 avril 2007

in need of understanding and end of stress that would be nice!


I'm an emotion wreck...I take them all at once in the face and mix and shake and I feel drained.

I had a sweet family gathering this weekend, and it was so beautiful to see everyone,talking,laughing,enjoying themselves,being happy to alive happy to have fun together:)

I am so grateful to life for these moments, so precious
It almost makes me want to cry for I'm like this,I think of the end,when we'll have to part where will those memories go?

it's so sad,I'm but a melancholic bliss I'll never change for now!
I'm close to 30 I can't believe I'll ever change.

and it's the same for my panic fear to speak in public
the same for my introversion
I hate the word,for what does it sound like ?
being turned to the inside,to the self?

I am so turned towards others, it just doesn't show because I am a loner but I really am analyzing trying to understand human beings, trying to listen closely to everything they say
I try to bring something new,to offer from my soul

I'm an introvert not because I am scared of them or hate them
It's only a war between me myself and I

the same old war you know.
boring I!

Okay so we had a family gathering at my parents.
It was so lovely for me to see the little ones again and my sister of course!

I always enjoying meeting her but I just am detached from this now because I got used ,she lives away,we can t see a lot,that's life and I have to deal with that
So I have sort of teach myself this way.

detachement, but I still love her so much!
I wish we had more sister time and talks but family gatherings are noisy,laughters,and noise noise noise
It was very tiring for me too because I was all super excited and happy and I should sometimes calm these emotions because it's a lot of energy!

we played ping pong which was tiring too and more laughters because we all played so great oh my!!!! ^______^

I have taken lots of photos of Romain my nephew,William my smaller nephew was more difficult to catch ;-)

OH Goddess! you can't imagine how this makes me want to have a child even more
It was so beautiful to help my sister with the bath time and play with them, taking care of them,feeding little William, making them laugh

I want to cry again.

Today I had my first training day, I really have a hard time explaining this in English so to sum it up I'll learn about things to create my own business, all the boring things we need to know to make things work.

But only the first day was a lot of pressure,anxiety and stress.
I wanted to cry several times.
Felt back to the torture of school.

having to introduce yourself,speaking...oh my!
It was really difficult.
Yes people think it's nothing,it can't kill of course I know that...But I get all emotional and I feel negative about myself...

so when I came home after such a day I was ready to cry.
I'm thankful sebastien is so supportive and adorable as usual!

he is so patient,when I am so horrible!
I was complaining and swearing the whole day! awful me!

why do I act the way I loathe the most?
why can't I just be easy-going and zen?

I always isolate myself when I am in a group thing, it's just very not me the group thing
I dont know why I act this way

I'm not as opened as I wished I guess...maybe It is also due to the fact I am centered on my worries,on my anxiety,my doubts ,my stress and the fact I take my future seriously and that I fear failure!

It's so sad I haven't been able to make for 3 days now, and it's terribly sad for me...I just feel dying inside and I know I probably won't be able to do so before wednesday, well maybe tomorrow night who knows?

I have so many things to do, hope I wont get a damn headaches because of all this work and stress=(

doubting my project makes me doubt my art sometimes, not in the sense I dont like it but in the sense are people objective with it?I have to inquire on this field!
I need to know
sometimes I feel I'm worth it,I love my art, I believe in it more than anything and sometimes I just doubt it all

oh and when I admire other artists it's almost the end for me...I just want to cry before my work...and I wonder are they better than me or is it just because I admire so much that I end up feeling inferior?

Oh goddess I'm too naked here, I'm real but I shouldn't hurt myself more...

hope the fairies will grant me a good night of sleep with ethereal dreams of sweetness for I need that so much now!
I have more to say and better things to write and think about ,but right now I'm far too tired

I know that in spite of all my dreams,right now my real wish is to be a mother and I'm sorry if I disapoint some persons or some things in myself because of this.
this is my heart and it still matters more to my art.

5 commentaires:

Paulette a dit…

It seems that many of us are suffering from these same feelings at the moment...whether it be because of the letdown after some highly anticipated event or just something from within all of us that seems to be in sync with other like-minded souls...we are all connected through our suffering. And for me, it does ease my pain a bit.

I too am an introvert, don't like speaking in public, and I tend to withdraw into myself when in large groups (it's totally not in my comfort zone). I guess you could call me a bit of a loner, even though I do long for a best friend to spend many hours with and be able to see at least several times a week...who understands me and finds my rapid talking and scatterbrain jumping around mind charming rather than wishing I could slow down and stay on track. Maybe one day we'll both find what we long for...until then hopefully the connections we make online will sustain us until that special kindred spirit comes along.

Princess Haiku a dit…

What a pretty child; glad that you had a nice time with your family.

Tricia Scott a dit…

helene, guess what i received in the mail yesterday! your lovely art. and i love it so much. i have it on my desk where i can see it all day. you are a kind wonderful soul. i am sending you thoughts of peace.

Jana B a dit…

Helenina... relax. I haven't known you that long, but you seem like a great person... Why do you doubt yourself so much? *hug*

I understand though... sometimes I look at myself and all I can see are my short-comings... I'm gaining too much weight, my art isn't good enough, I am not friendly enough, and so on....

I do have to disagree with one thing you said... "I'll never change for now!
I'm close to 30 I can't believe I'll ever change."

Helenina, we have our WHOLE LIVES left practically! We can change all kinds of things! Don't give up now, we're just beginning on our lives!

I hate going to new classes too... I always get sick to my stomach when someone asks me a question, or I have to introduce myself, or things like that.

You're starting your own business? *curious* What kind? Selling your artwork, or something different?

Mandy a dit…

Helenina, this is my first time seeing your blog, but have been to your Flicker acct frequently. And, this post really stood out. I can relate to it in many ways. I am now 43, but my 30s were a turning point in my life for me. I too, can be introverted, and have found it to get easier as I get older. I'm still quite quiet around larger groups, and have few very close friends. Motherhood does change you. This really stood out, when you said "I am centered on my worries,on my anxiety,my doubts ,my stress and the fact I take my future seriously and that I fear failure!", and motherhood takes you away from the self-focus. As far as your art, it is amazing! If you are happy with it, don't worry what others think, as everyone has different tastes. But, I for one, really like it. I don't know you very well, but just had to comment on this post, since I could understand what you are saying. If you'd like to email me off line and just talk, that would be