vendredi 27 avril 2007

the Pressure,the thoughts and the so expected playful weekend

I have a huge feeling of exhaustion that just makes me want to cry for nothing at all.

Just feeling tired,stressed of course and so worried about my business.
Will it work? will it be possible?
will I be able to get a bank loan?
will I manage to work more than 60h per week?

I am so free.

I know many people have envied me on my way just because I was home all day doing what I love,being an artist.

I have also lived the drawbacks of the situation of course, a real bohemian life ;-)
not much on your plate, you sell artwork you can treat yourself to the restaurant or to some holidays if you manage to spare etc

but it was occasional,but the Freedom...

It's the most beautiful gift I have dared to give myself or I have been given by chance, by serendipity I dont know...because at first I was quite depressed of my unemployement but I wasn't feeling the art passion at that time...

My life is so full of this Passion, it's my bliss, I just can't trade it for anything!

When you've been used to be home alone for more than 3 years it's kinda difficult to image a change, to image schedule, organization, having to do this and that

yeah I know it's the real world and we have to be responsible, but do we really have to be slaves to the wages?
do we really have to put at stake the best our existence for profit,more money what for?
if we dont have the time to sip the nectar of the simple joy of being alive,creating...

I want to be an artist, I dont want to be a business woman.
I have to make that clear.

I also want to be a mother,so I prefer to give my time to my children( when I'll have them than to making money, though obviously I'll have to find a fair amount of money to make so that I don't lose money,but maybe I won't make profit...)

I know why I have chosen art, I wont hurt myself with all the society dark eyes that want to put me in some category or want to put pressure on me.

I am making my own choice as I have ever did.
The most important is to be alive, I wont ruin my health on this God!

I have stomach ache, I can't sleep, I think always about my business and how to find all answers,how to worry less, where to begin with some things etc...I have to learn to take the time
I sometimes am just too in a hurry :-)

I am really so impatient to have it all,to give classes, to meet people interested in my art and who want to learn mixed media techniques and awake their own muse!

I just can t wait to share the dragonflies of my mind!

I haven't made art for several days so I guess this is also why I feel so sad and grumpy!
It's just like Prison when you prevent me from doing this!

so they told us today at the training that we would have to work more than 60hours per week...well what about you dear?

how many hours a week do you really work in your own job?

do you like the security of a job instead of being your own boss?
please share your thoughts on this :-)

am I crazy? ^____^

just tell your honest thoughts about this :-)
I am interested to know.

Apron & postcards

yes I have put too much light because I thought I looked too tired and so plain :( arf no need to comfort me with kind words,this is how I feel, my tiredness shows way too much on my face.

postcards & apron

so these are some ideas of objects I might sell

the postcards and apron are available if anyone is interested :)

c est tout ce qu il reste hoody

I really like the hoody with my collage: c est tout ce qu il reste
I will put it for my yoga and gym class ;-)

throw pillow, with my Petit vampire amoureux

this one is my favourite :-)

this is the thing I think that could really work though for now the questionnaire I have sent seem to say that no one is interested in a throw pillow

It's just too cute and as I have many art squared collages, I can't wait to be able to find my suppliers and be able to choose my products get sample and see what I prefer etc
but well I still have to work on the boring market plan ;oP

aaaaah deep sighs, today it was too commercial,too many calculations and I loathe numbers they make me sick and bored as hell...yeah definetly not materialistic...

that just don't talk to me all this VTA, taxes and boring things that just tell us how we're fooled by the state when we see how much we pay to the state, that we finally give It a wages and this damn State just go on reducing public service, how fair is that?

Oh Goddess I am praying we elect Segolene Royal because I'll be shocked if Sarkozy becomes our new President really , I don't know what'll make but I fear the worste changes :(

When we know he went to see Bush to apologize France did not send troops in Iraq, woah!
that's a man!
and it's not the only thing I don't like in his ideas.

Okay tomorrow will be MY day! I will play play play,just enjoy myself,indulge in poetry and painting aaaaaah sighs :-)

I love the sound of the word 'indulge' I could not translate it in French though I could picture it:-)

I love how we can find many answer at google ;-) wikipedia,online dictionnaries of any kind!

I adore internet ^_^

so now I can answer the Create a connection post about Connection,spending time on internet and feeling disconnected of the real life.

I think it was first of all because I was already disconnected to the real life of society,of people and couldn't find my place in the world, being unemployed and lost in a small town where I knew no one that made me lose myself in internet

I have met so many kind and interesting persons that I am really grateful for these connection.

I am an internet addict I really need to check my emails once a day at least ;-)
well maybe twice haha!

I love the sharing I have found and lost here,the connection ,the things that taught me something, the silly fights due to misunderstanding,the compassion, the kindness of sisters, the support of others for my art, the feedbacks about it that made me grow as an artist.

it is not internet that diminishes my interaction with nature, I love going out but here in Cambrai there is nothing much to see or to do and I don't really enjoy hanging out alone,sometimes yes I do but mostly I'd rather have a soul sister here,to share, because everything is better when shared, that s just my humble opinion.

I do know that when I ll be a mother I'll have more than one reasons to go out play tree hugging with my kids,chasing fairies in the hood,gazing at the silly and poetic shapes of clouds, oh I dream of that time though I hate the fact to think tomorrow is happiness, I wish I could not just wait.

But I am happy of the life I am living, I love where I live,my home is beautiful,even if it s not a house with a garden ;-)I am making art, I have fun with my love Sébastien & our crazy cat Takun ^_^
Really life could worse ahah, and well as for myself it has been worse, I have touched the bottom so now really there is nothing that can make me bent ;)

and that does not imply I wont cry,complain,yell,and be boring at times
I just have allowed myself to be me ^____^

a person kind of "shaked" me yesterday saying :"I'll love you just the way you are with one condition.

You love yourself completely first.


I firstly did not know what to think.
first I felt judged as I do know myself I am constantly on defensive kind of like a wild animals not ready to be tamed that easy ;-)mind you! ;oP
but well as seen in the Little Prince,if you manage to tame I ll be special for you and you ll be special for me ;-)

sometimes it's just easy as is to be tamed because communication is never painful,it goes with the flow as if I have known the person in a previous life or for ages ;)

I have answered to this:

hanks for this strange unexpected message ;-)
you kinda confused me

I love myself though I am rather shy to say so,but I do
I know who I am and I stand for my convictions etc
I believe in my art and my own life philosophy

but you know true love is not strings attached, like that wonderful utopic song by alanis m, "you owe me nothing in return"

and then
"oh I do assert myself ,my soul a lot, I am quite surprised that you can sense my self doubt, I often share them about my art, my potential, my future success with my art business etc

I doubt because it's also a philosophy work, everything is doubtful ,maybe nothing is real
maybe nothing exist
why a cat is called a cat? all arbitrary things

do we really exist, is all this but mental images, are we locked somewhere?trapped?

I am playing here ;-)

True love, well I don't know it depends on your definition of it, if I relate to the song alanis, well maybe not

but with my fiancé I have found something closer to my dreams of Love, a true sharing, a sincere understand etc
and of course I am not beautifying the truth as we have almost broke up many times in the past and I know the pain of the couple,the routine etc ...

I do not think soul searching means lack of self love
I think I have found many pieces of myself through many processes in my life till now but I think with humility that if we are aware of the smallness of being human we keep searching,because there is always more questions as we go on our path towards our goals and dreams

I think it's very healthy and smart to search, we evolve we grow
Even if I assert my wisdom I acknowledge my child fae, my worries, my bullshits & it does not make me complete because I believe we might have already been there, and we keep on finding pieces of our soul everywhere,in others,in events,in object,in travels( real or spiritual ( no need of drugs for these anyways ;)
that utopic completeness if pieces of Blissful moments, it's short, I keep searching for that too and well I think the most important of this life is the path not the final answer, this meandering is gentle,passionate and always fascinate me but well that's just me :-)""

to sum up all this, I think I am very vulnerable of course in the sense I am hyper emotional but most of the people who feel my soul sense this at once.
and I do feel self doubts pretty often like phases ,something like once a week maybe because I need to push myself and go past it, to challenge myself I dont know!
it s maybe the wrong way I work :)

but having self doubt paradoxically does not mean I totally doubt myself because if I did I would not share myself that much!

it s nice finally to be seen as fragile because I have often been seen as so self assured and strong, just because I share so much and I am real in what I write and share, I dont play a role nor do I say things to please people etc
so I was seen like also something I was not,it was funny
I wonder if someone can see 50% of the real me

I think we all want to be seen and comforted that 99% of our being is bearable and interesting finally ^___^ahah

I am often kind of sad when I see people who cannot be themselves,it really aches my heart because I can imagine the cells,the prison inside, it's such a freedom to be a free spirit

of course when in group I dont much look like a free spirit I cross my arms,protect my soul, shut my doors, need isolation but it's again the emotions and not being used to it
I know with time I'll be a social butterfly(kidding, do not exagerrate!)

writing always lift my feelings finally :)
I'm so relieved it's the weekend :)

Blessings and namasté

" I like living ,breathing better than working, my art is that of living:
each second, each breathe is a work which is inscribe in nowhere,which is neither visual nor cerebral,it's a sort of constant euphoria " marcel duchamp

2 commentaires:

Susan Tuttle a dit…

Just keep going--you've made it this far on this path of truth--keep going!


Jen a dit…

I know....
soul searching does not mean lack of self-love....
these emotions do not equate to wrong direction...
but rather to honest expression...
being aware...
and it is understandable...
...o.k. it is all o.k.
the proof is in the journey...
not that there need be "proof"
I think we know ourselves...the easy things, the difficult things, the things which bring us happiness...and the things which do not...

loving caring about is not "perfection" is not being "certain" of everything
evidence for loving oneself...taking the time and effort to give thought to one's life...trying to live one's own path or journey and not adopting another...

we can accept and understand ourselves...and see the about our soul...perhaps desire change, or not...

but it is the desire to be seen and understood as we see and understand ourselves which is not as also have honesty and sincerity in thought back to us...the understanding of what is constant(the heart of a person) and what is possibly changing or in the process of developing..or just reaction to happenings...

I think the key in understanding someone is in knowing how they view any one thing to do with themselves or the world...then the emotion or experience can be shared for what it is for that person....don't know if I am articulating my thoughts clearly...but I think what people often do is see others in generalizations and fill in the details by assumptions...and they may or may not be correct...

But sometimes we may be surprised...come to learn something we didn't think of ourselves or something else. because of what someone "sees"...and not understanding someone can be an opportunity for clarification.. ...but only if there is communication....and always an open mind..

questioning...helps to strengthen what we know or feel...or to deepen understanding...or to discover a changing idea...questioning is not is intelligence..and if there is change happening or some period of newness (good or bad)..these are the times we question more...of course!

how does one prove they love themselves?...perhaps that they have love to give to think of giving love to someone if they seem to love themselves...I think more often than not, we just love...we care about someone...?because they are like us? vulnerable. strong. certain. uncertain. different. the same. because we are ready to? because they "give their heart to us" for all...universal is.

But maybe a comment about loving you if only you love well say, you deserve to love yourself...but does present ? it not clear that you do...just goes to show that there is personal meaning in what we say...that may not always be understood...often we interpret what is said through our own lens...some things are easy...often clear...others are not...

the more we know of someones "lens"...the more communication give sense of familiarity...understanding...perhaps this is what makes "soul sister"...and when it seems to come effortlessly, we feel at ease...for there is not the desire to explain why we say or think or do....we know the person is us....and then the energy can flow in the present and there can be a freeing up to just share and move on into the future..

acceptance and understanding and sharing and caring and ? = love

of course, you are you...
I would like to believe that when a person is working with their passion...they will find that they make a living...that there is a need that is served and ?the universe gives sustain that person..I have not thought in terms like this for very long...but we try...we explore...we see when what we are doing is good for us and the world .

what is difficult is to know what the future will be 100% until it is the present...and I have been in that situation of working and not enjoying that much the steps always to my goal...and that is a drain, and tests the mind...and there is the feeling...I just want to get to that place that I envision ...and sometimes, I is as it is envisioned and sometimes the feelings change...or something in the end is not right...

how wonderful that you know that making art is so positive and key for feeling purpose and uplifted...expression of you....and that you enjoy being able to share it with others...

Glad you will have fun playing this are in midst of "pressure" you take all the is easy to get just is. : )

.thanks to this post...I get to take a message for myself..that I know...that I practice...but that is a reminder to check with free to be me (when you haven't felt totally that way..or when maybe there's been change or growth...just getting comfortable with how I would express all of myself...can be a process)....I want to be a free-spirit...and still caring for the needs of those I I don't want to be "selfish" ...just real!