vendredi 6 avril 2007
My desolate starry gardens
Landing on desolate stars.
okay I really need right now to pour these words.
First of all thanks so much for the kind comments to my previous post it means a lot to get a feedback when you feel like a void...
so I got rejected for publication in a magazine.
I don't know why some other artist got published and what was so different because many of them add wings,hats and everything & so they are " too similar " too aren't they?
I got that sentence, that my art was "TOO SIMILAR" to some other artists they've published.
Yesterday I had a really awful day,with nasty emotions,headachy,I was numb and depressed,I was out of my skin, out of my soul and I really I couldn't bear looking at myself or just the idea of thinking,of thinking my thoughts.
I was angry at me and all my impotence.
and that lovely email just signed the death of my spirit
It was gone, really. I just went to bed hugging my love and feeling so grateful to God/Goddess who ever out there in spite of all the pain and sorrow I was so grateful to have sebastien in my life!
he really tries and understands me, he appeases my worries.
this morning the woman tried to explain to me that she didn't mean my art was like other artist but that the techniques were the same...
I don't know why so many people always say then that my background painting is so original:
I haven't seen much people,making buttons women;flower women,clock women, tree womens like I do.
so okay,sorry for the outrageous showing off of my art, but I don't see these painted background in other artist's art or why would there always be someone to mail me and ask me how I create my background?
Now yes maybe I don't invent techniques. I just recylce things,use any and everthing.
anyways I've learnt all the techniques I'm using all alone. I don't have any mixed media magazine,or books, I just can't afford them anyways.
and I also FEAR so much to "copy" others.
It's something that makes me feel bad. I totally defend and stand up for my uniqueness.
My art is my life ,saying it was too similar is very rude to me because it's then saying that most mixed media artist who creates fairies do the same thing,no imagination poor things they only can do fairies!
But what if we were just a community of artist who really loves myths and fairytales and want to share positive thinking through magical realms that can show pieces of who they are inside?
On top of that I know I do not only do fairytales things.
My art is not only the bright side of things, it's very real!
I also send them my artist process that was deep and very personal & it didn't inspire them to publish it, well then I'll have to go work and self publish myself!
I know I have to do that.
yesterday I was really shocked, not that I believe in myself so much that I though I'd be published, but yes I did believe my uniqueness striked.
bang! my ego was knocked down...the other one in me truly laught at myself, she said how pathetic I was to think I'd be published in that magazine!
then another one in me was full of anger.
Now venting solace a bit.
I will always assert my uniqueness, my sweet madness,what makes me be another unique individual who makes layered background,put wings and hats,and loves adding birds and owls in her art.
I know that whatever I have to trust my soul,my path and not give up just because it hurts to feel denied.
well today is another day,it's still morning here and I'll have to gather some strenght,tidy a bit,get washed and write some letters.
I have decided it was enough to stay away,bitter,cold & so aloof.
I really want to love, I want to be me, the me I love who wants to give,share and who can always see the lights in spite of everything that's real and violent.
I really have such a hard time to bear this so emotional and fragile soul I am.
words can bring me down way too much when I abandon myself.
I have to get stronger.
I have to rekindle my kundalini!
blessings and namasté, sorry for sounding arrogant, I was just devastated by that word" similar".