dimanche 8 avril 2007
Sororal Utopia & the sweetness of craddling the thoughts in my attic
As if there was a day,a moment, a second without thoughts ;-) I'd wish for thinking vacations sometimes but I only can do that in laughters and they are short moments...anyways, make me laugh!
I have taken some steps backwards about the rejection.
I submit me them an artist profile and my artistic process.
nevermind,I've already self published myself in zines,been published in artitude zine and other magazines I am not ashamed,nor will this make me think that my art is not one of a kind ;-)
I have had an awful week,a very long week,with way too much lack of energy,sadness,self pity argh hate this so much:P
I hate when I feel I'm weak,vulnerable,too shy to make it,to still attached to my wrong beliefs,still to sick of the past and how I've been perceived and seen myself for too many years.
I have to go through these emotions and wrong belief to really re-construct my being.
It's not as if I hadn't done or succeeded at anything!
I'm so harsh to myself,I always come back to this stage when I have to prove my own self I'm worth it,I can do it etc
I don't have a gentle eyes on my soul,my thoughts,my actions,my way of loving,my way of complaining,my distance,my coldness and everything
I think way too much.
Emotions take us there. I keep on blaming them,but in spite of the hurt I've been walking on and pushing myself, digging deeper again to understand,to find new question and answers.
I always doubt my art, my soul. I am like this.
I also have my convictions, my faith, I'm just balancing that maybe.
I fear that if I never feel any doubt I'd be horrible ,I need to try and find some in between.
I wish I could be gentler to myself for a while for a change :)
I've written a lot of bullshit in my paper diary.
It didn't solace,didn't help me cry,but it was needed. I couldn't keep this inside, it was too heavy.
I haven't made art for a while. I will try to do something, but I needed a pause.
I needed distance.
I so understand these artist who would burn and destroy all their work out of insanity,anger,frustration,passion,all of a sudden...
but I remained quiet.I took myself on another path.
I think art is growing in me even when I don't paint. thoughts are dancing, tapping in the deep source of my soul garden...
I know I want to surprise myself and maybe I want to put off my wings,for a while, I want the ground.
I want the real feeling behind the fae child,the frailty, the candid sweetness that is often slashed by the delusion...
who is really Real?
when do we put our masks off?
what is our real honest dress?
I sometimes feel the need to hide my weakness,my tears,my fears...then I came across souls that reminds that it was useless.
we're the same in our humanity. We all can fear and doubt,need to cry,lament,complain or just feel understood.
I know that I take the responsibility of my reasons to live.
One of them is to share the positive thinking,spread the love,inspire, support my sisters out there.
Maybe I'm just the poison and the potion at the same time?
Maybe I just experience things in a deeper level to always be Bright,warm,shimmering and positive!
I'm often angry at the fact I have offered so much of my soul,my thoughts and kind advice and rare are the other human who came to me with such patience!
thankfully I was proved that you need to dare ask to see some human out there to give you a spiritual hug, to try and understand yourself, to feel somewhat less alone and lost in this universe.
Goddess it was such a comfort to see some Humanity!
I'm craving for that beauty!
I'm craving for a wonderful peaceful and supportive sister circle, where we'd all who'd just have to be REAL
no fake smiles, no fake wisdom
no half sincere listening and positive sharing if one day you just want to reduce the person to their complaints
because honestly we're more than this!
we just need to vent sometimes, maybe we use the wrong persons for this.
I think confiding weakness is precious and does not mean we have our strength,positive sides and weapons!
I do strongly believe in my weapons ;-)
I dream of a warm community of sisters where we would express without fear or guilt where we wouldn't have to refrain from sharing our innermost self for fear of misunderstanding, because everyone would be smart enough to take distance and we would live according to "sans jugement" philosophy.
we would listen and kindly hear
we would create sincere connection
it would not be just superficial "ohhh woow your soul is amazing I love this I love that" and then no sharing.just pure silence.
It would be real, tangible, we would all less alone!
I just loathe so much the superficiality in bonds, how people shower you with compliments, as if you were a goddess but they don't give a damn, they don't want to enter the sanctuary,and really know it all,really work on something that could be named friendship maybe ?
can they get away from me, I don't need that.
I love feedbacks & compliments but don't distort the word friend it's way too rare and precious to me. I honour this, I still search for this.
I'm ready to build.
never shower me with compliments, just love me as I am if you want to.
I am strong and weak as you are, I'm ugly and beautiful as you are.
I am me with pieces of you and vice versa.
we're ONE humanity aren't we?
I have so much more to say sisters!
welcome to my sanctuary of muses, welcome to my soul garden, make yourself right at home and do share do give & I'll be your friend for aeon.
I'm quite glad to re-socialize and give another try to find new penpal, to be able to write letters to like minded companions:)
I dont want to entertain and inspire I also want to be entertained and inspired! isn't this too much to ask?
I feel sweet, I came across adorable and beautiful souls that make me want to get to know.
I wish for lifetime connections.
“Half the pleasure of solitude comes from having with us some friend to whom we can say how sweet solitude is”
In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself. ~ Laurence Sterne
Nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship. Cicero
“Solitude vivifies; isolation kills”joseph roux
Solitude has soft, silky hands, but with strong fingers it grasps the heart and makes it ache with sorrow. Solitude is the ally of sorrow as well as a companion of spiritual exaltation.kahlil gibran
"For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands."christina rossetti
Promises Like Pie-Crust by Christina Rossetti
Promise me no promises,
So will I not promise you:
Keep we both our liberties,
Never false and never true:
Let us hold the die uncast,
Free to come as free to go:
For I cannot know your past,
And of mine what can you know?
You, so warm, may once have been
Warmer towards another one:
I, so cold, may once have seen
Sunlight, once have felt the sun:
Who shall show us if it was
Thus indeed in time of old?
Fades the image from the glass,
And the fortune is not told.
If you promised, you might grieve
For lost liberty again:
If I promised, I believe
I should fret to break the chain.
Let us be the friends we were,
Nothing more but nothing less:
Many thrive on frugal fare
Who would perish of excess.
Who shall deliver me? by Christina Rossetti
God strengthen me to bear myself;
That heaviest weight of all to bear,
Inalienable weight of care.
All others are outside myself;
I lock my door and bar them out
The turmoil, tedium, gad-about.
I lock my door upon myself,
And bar them out; but who shall wall
Self from myself, most loathed of all?
If I could once lay down myself,
And start self-purged upon the race
That all must run ! Death runs apace.
If I could set aside myself,
And start with lightened heart upon
The road by all men overgone!
God harden me against myself,
This coward with pathetic voice
Who craves for ease and rest and joys
Myself, arch-traitor to mysel ;
My hollowest friend, my deadliest foe,
My clog whatever road I go.
Yet One there is can curb myself,
Can roll the strangling load from me
Break off the yoke and set me free
I think I was feeling like these poems lately, I love christina,it's often so terrible and moving to know beautiful writer,poems and artist had to suffer so much.
I wish I could have been her friend!
I would have befriend sweet darling emily dickinson too and hug sylvia to let her know how beautiful she is!
(...) to be continued, happy Easter to those who celebrate,or whatever you celebrate( I dont celebrate this)
many blessings & may you be able to hear the sweetest voices inside your soul.