When I need to dream and fantasize

I look at this video and I get a big smile and my heart beat so fast,I don't know why.
I have a huge crush on Dan.

There is something about his whimsical attitude,he's like such a weird creature and I'm drown to his voice and music.

I want to hug this guy & dream his my ideal Prince charming :)
and yeah I know I have a guy at home...but one can dream and fantasize ;)

Weather forecast of a soul garden

oh time flies, get crash and burn that silly truism...
iaaaaah I'm so sick of it!

the rain has washed the soil,it has purified our sentiments, we feel new hope buds here and there.
Even if the sky is still grey, I enjoy the freshness, I want a real Springtime and without some rain it cannot be Spring:)

Mrs Summer is too in a hurry and I'm not that ready for big sun!



I've been obsessed with ghost dancing and twirling lately.


A flickr funny friend told me that the hand looked weird as if it was not mine and it's true, I feel haunted, as if this hand was from the unseen world,arm dressed in snow blanket


it could be seen as a gentle ghost visiting me,caressing my cheeck,appeasing the bleeding Empathy...me wanted to tell them it'll be alright, they finally come back solacing me ah!



you can click to see the picture bigger:)

I needed something to cheer up myself and that white cat came in my room ;)


I had to laugh as if the little fae child in me had drawn it to make me smile;)



then I did this, as it rained a lot, drizzle mixed with springtime flower in the wind, sweet thoughts,nature poetry...

working on this Ode to the Ones who died too young, I felt kinda melancholly and sometimes a bit angry with my whys

I have dreamt of my dead grandma( dad's mom) kissing her on the cheeck, being so happy to see her...I dream of the dead here and there, I have this feeling it's my way to still connect to them,share with them,it's important to me.

the blue looks more like a mint or mexican green in piece, photos always don't capture the real colors of artworks and that's a bit frustrating!

Then I entertained myself trying Scrap Freestyle :)



if you really think you know me, you know my feelings towards scrapbooking, feel hum...well not condenscendent about it, that's not that for I don't take myself seriously
But yes I take art and mixed media art seriously,because I put my gust and soul to it, so yes when people dare to compare to scrapbooking I can't find my word here but well that's a bit iratating ;oP

But then why did she make scrap freestyle? thought she loathed it ;)
yes indeed...
I am not into scrapbooking for some reasons.
I don't judge the people who do it and I am glad if they enjoy it.
I just don't feel touched or attracted to it and I just find it insipid and boring,but yes it's just my humble opinion.no offense.

okay now everyone will throw stones at me! what did she say??? scrapbooking insipid!we're gonna lynch that girl!(sic the commitee of scrapbooking addicts)

I know scrapbooking is fashion and here in France people don't really know what mixed media is, except the ones who scrapbook :)
so I thought trying to get a bit familiar to scrapbooking in the freestyle way would help me explore something different and get me be more open minded ;)

I must be honest I had fun doing it, it made me laugh
I felt kinda ill at ease because it's so different to me to make art,express an idea,work on a theme etc, and here adorning a picture, and making it look pretty surrounded by crafty items and techniques.

Oh Goddess 11:25 am so many things to do. I need a pause.

it's snowing flowerflakes in my soul garden, I can't let myself get stressed by all these obstacles.
Things are so complicated that I might only open my business next year which of course gets the sky darker and darker, I have to find a way,a better way...


oh there was a Ver Big rainbow yesterday Thank you so much to Melody for the postcards and sweet thoughts, thank you so Much to Judes for the unbirthday package ahah, that bird plush was too cool, I adore it and so does my Takun ;)Gotta take pics of this!
Thank you also to Amy for the so unique and creative letter! thanks for spending so much time for me,it was very touching!

I know I am blessed for this!

burn the pedestal burn the witch

It's really kind of weird how people seem to need to cut and burn their Gods/Godesses...
you know they put them in pedestal to then make them fall and yell, be freely mean because they do expect something from them.

It's weird.

I understand expecting from the ones we admire and cherish but can we also remember they are human beings too and they won't always do something that will match our philosophy that will be pleasant to our eyes or ears.

disapointment, where does it comes from?
I think people should perhaps take their responsibility in this...when you are disapointed in an artist (musician,singer,painter,writer...or just a friend)it's because you may have waited for too much, or idealized way too much and also that you finally make them just be a reflection of you and your thoughts , an echo or a prolongation of who you are, when you have to accept their evolution,changes,eccentricities,flaws or bullshits...

perfection is boring and it's great to be surprised, to be taken to some new aspects of an artist.
not loving is always okay, but spreading toxic and useless comments full of bitter hatred is really confusing and kinda sad I'd say...

It's amazing how people also need to hate you when you sell, when you exist and get fans etc.
They need to find the little details that can make people doubt you're real
Find the little aspects of your personality that could show you're faking it or just not sane whatever!

I don't mind not agreeing with the artist you admire, I do not agree with all the artists I love, I don't just drink their every word, I sip softly and analyze, to bring my own thoughts of this and everyone would be freer and more detached to do so...

I hate the words fans for this, it's so confusing and dangerous.
Most of the time Fans don't love you for who you are but they make up an ideal of who you are, they make an altar of you,an image of you that is not the real essence of you but their interpretations.

I love tori amos. I don't agree with all she says though I relate a lot to her philosophy and I feel close to her mind map, I've been hanging there too...

I am quite disturb to read so violent comments at her in some places in the net and people slamming her because her songs aren't so melancholly dark and depressive as it used to be...
and then they can say she's fake?

it would have been fake to write about depression when she's so happy to be a mother and that her life has a lot of good sides for sure.
but she has fight for this, she has worked for this and has been rejected so many times.

I guess it's her deep trust that made her never really abandon herself and for this I do admire her.
I do trust my soul this way, I will never abandon myself even if I never make a living with my art, I have this Passion,it's mine and it is the way I live and that has not price !

As for calling tori a sexist well I don't know where people find that.
I think she is a feminist, a strong women, that is close to The Feminine,that is connected to other sisters & she's maybe more interested in the Feminine strength because she is a woman and that's where she's from,what she's standing for, seeing how many guys friends she has I bet she's far from sexist!

I always remember men talking loud at me or being agressive with words to me just because I was a woman who wasn't ashamed of being smart, no ugly and real/frank...
some guys don't enjoy searching women who have answers to their questions, who understand or try to dig deeper...I have never understood that anger of men facing girls/women like us, but you did feel it didn't you?

Catching carrying taking the time

Thank you for the comments and emails full of kindness!
It's always so sweet to feel some Empathy coming back to us...

I have spent an awful weekend so far ^____^comme ça c'est clair! ;)

Got a mean migraine that just made me feel more grumpy(if possible?)and complaining!
Goddess I can see myself out of me looking at me and wanting to strangle this boring girl!
But of course being angry at me did not help very much...

So I did nothing, had to catch upon emails but really I can't.
It's lovely to receive many emails and some are very long, and I am interested, but I also receive letters and I am a bit overtaken by the events really...too much to think too much to do too much

I wanted to cry also for this because I feel some new friends get bored about my "busyness"& I so understand them, I used to be so angry at people for hiding behind the excuses of the hectic life not to reply not to care and finally I am entering there

it's sad really
I love my friends, I love to share and I still do it

I hope with time to find connection with friends who can accept me totally as I am because yes I know it's not easy...



here that was me in pain, not necessarily pretty but I like it anyways...we all feel pain it's a sensation that is rather taboo to show,to portray...
we'd rather stay tough chin up and do as if,behave as if, act as if...

I do as is.
I am not ashamed of anything.

I m still sorry to know I won't be able to do all the things I want to.
My life will just get busier and even if it works it'll get busier and busier

Do I like this idea?
to some extent, I have often felt busy since I opened my artist's path because it was awful full of buds of ideas blooming here and there and always something to look forward on my long list of ideas of artworks and themes to work on.

I try my best anyways to keep on replying each emails ^_^
even if it has to take ages!

But for the letters the more I think the more I feel lucid about it and that really frustrates me, maybe I can find penfriends who dont mind receiving a letter after two or three months? ;)

The most important is to share something real with no pressure,not forcing oneself to please others.
I hope this "busyness" won't take me to more isolation as I am opening and trying to make new soul sisters for a long time ^_^;;
Because I am really happy for the connections I have had lately, they have made me smile, made me feel better, made me want to give :)

Well maybe I can finally be organized and give some time to all that matters in my existence ;)
I will never ever deny the most important: Love, family and friends.



This is my latest artwork : Stop running after time ,you carry it with you

40x50cm

on the left in the poppies I have written an undecipherable text:
"stop running after time, you carry it with you"
told me an inside voice
what if I stopped worrying about being late
about wasting time & just enjoying the moment for once...
Perhaps it is true & time is just Love & with an ocean Heart we have eons to Live...



I could have written more but maybe one day I'll write all over the canvas:)

I am so glad of my poppies! ^_^ eheh ;)
I adore these flowers, they bring me sweet memories of childhood, I was such a cruel child, I adored opening the bud ! which was surely not pleasant for the flower!
but I remember how delightful it was for the hand the touch of it, the softness
aaah childhood, I feel you as if it was just yesterday ;)

Yeah we're talking about Time here.

so this is it, I have decided to take some time to delay on time and work on it, talk about it, see all the possibilities of this theme that is a wide horizon of possibilities of course and can lead to other themes, fears and thoughts...

I'll try to focuse on time, I hope I can do it, I hope I will find some interesting thoughts and answers in questionning time and exploring this old enemy deeply ;)

After all I am close to enter my thirties & it's time to make peace with Time or else I'll be an awful mom always worried and unable to just cherish the moment, see my children grow and love each instant of their evolution :)

sighs, I can't live here and now, I'm always hoping for that mother time.




We are thinking of all the solutions we have and it creates some tiny tensions between seb and I .
I hope he will just go find a job and forget about studies
He's got training there, he has real skills, he creates website and mine for instance ( we are working on making it better,more original and one of a kind)

I understand after these years he would have wanted that diplomas but I just cannot stand the idea of another year of reduced life and not being to have a baby.

I have accepted a lot,I have compromised and shut my desires a lot, I have tried to learn patience and stop talking about the burning pain of my pregnancy yearning.
Now I think seb has to acknowledge this and take some responsibilities, we can live our life, our couple just always according to his own life.

Do I sound selfish?
no I am just honest and enough is enough...
I know people are sweet they want to cheer me up saying some women got their first child at 42...but sincerely, glad for them if they enjoy it
but I want to have quality time with my children and for this it's better to have them the earlier as possible, to see more of them, to be able to see their children and maybe the children of their children...
I want to be able to have more than 2 children too, so we need to begin ;)
(ahah)

I am also responsible and aware of all the consequences, I have weigh the pros and cons so many times, I just can't help seeing this feeling of motherhood,seeing many mothers so touched,happy,proud and enchanted to see their little ones grow,radiate and be such a source of inspiration.

sighs

Sometimes some people ask me for penpalling and they say they "hate children" as if it was something important.
I don't really know if I can get along with such persons, I find it understandable to find them boring and limited but there is much more about children that boring brats crying and making crises!

I am so excited about Tori Amos new album: American Doll Posse

I am worried, I want to see her in concert, I dont have money.

If you love my art, BUY it now, for mother's day,for birthday for whatever
just watch my etsy


I am selling at antiquefae.etsy.com/

MY ONE collage A DAY where you can find my squared art

Antique Fairy art shop

If I can see her I will be inspired and make more art!!!!
so if you can afford it and well like it( obviously!) I'll be so grateful!

the ticket is 45 euros so X 2 + the train or car drive till Paris, that might be a huge amount of money but really I will feel so upset not to see her!

Do any of you will see her?
I think this concert will be great because we'll be able to see the five different characters of tori amos and it'll be much fun I am quite sure!

aaah I wanted to buy the cd and they did not have the limited edition, I can't wait!!!!
I have to go to Lille for this!

I have read the blogs of the girls and really how I can relate!
It's so comforting to have Tori amos, she is a real muse!
I dont say amen to all she says but I have a philosopy of life that echoes her own and I feel such an understanding and strength anytime I read her thoughts and visions because I feel not alone.

I love tori!

We went voting, hopefully tonight we won't have a tragic choice ,I say hopefully...

larger view

The Torrent

First of all I'm not sure who made the kind anonymous comment in my previous post but thank you so much, it kinda cheered me up on that so very much & I'm grateful for the kind attention to send me an homemade card, oh maybe was it Marie ;)
thanks dear friend!

OH life,such a weird thing...You dream,you work for dream,you come over doubts and fears, you take decisions,you make plans, you dream again and higher, you feel excited because the dream is closer, it all seem so real and possible...

and all of a sudden, Roooaaar, everything is collapsing, you were so close to another shore and life just played on you again the waves just swallow you in swirls of despair...hope is gone.
and how can you just think right? how can you go past this news that made you feel so sad?

yes I know there is no death around,we are healthy we love each other, we have a house and all the things I am sincerely very grateful to have, but dear God, why again?
what's wrong?
was it just to tell me maybe I'll never be as happy as I dream, maybe I'll never have babies and all the things that matters to me?

well seeing how I react crumbling in lead & charcoal tears, it was awful!
It's been at least a year I haven't cried that loud,shaking from all my body...

It's so weird, because yesterday,looking back at my post, my sweet day,my fun and ecstasy I felt,well there are days like these just remembering the day like that aren't too far...I am but a pessimistic...

and I felt so weird and uncomfortable the whole day, maybe was it my sixth sense?
well I am often grumpy but it was stranger today as if I was about to have an headache or something...with all the tears I cried I guess the headache is not far...ok this time I'll take a painkiller( for those who don't know me, I have a sort of phobia of medecines...I just get all panicked to swallow something chemical...)

so the bad news was that Sébastien's school decided he could not take place to his final exams.
he is in a school of art, and he was always congratulates and approved by teachers and students, so I just don't fucking get it!
I just cannot accept it right now!
Fuck all that crap of education !! aaaah!
that just makes me feel such a rage
how can they let someone go towards a wall before maybe telling him ,you'd better do that or focuse on that...I dont know !
that's not coherent
I always thought everyone said seb did a good job!
He already failed his first years, and I cried so loud at that time in 2004...I knew it would be mean another year to add in dirty boring Cambrai...despair!
and he was always good at school the following years

I don't get it.
and yes it means a lot of collapsing of dreams and wishes.
all the plans we had.
a baby, moving, my art business...how can I do all I want to do with a student?
It's not that I am angry at sebastien, it's that I am realistic about my dreams, my plan for future

I am so lost, I needed to vent here because it really devastate me...
I know that I have gotten depressed so bad because I wanted a family with seb in 2003, I was ready for that...
I waited, I tried to accept the situation
I have tried to burry my desires, to stop dreaming, to try not to want a baby, not to think about it
sometimes I fear I might turn awfully bitter about it if I don't get pregnant at the end of this year...

I feel so sad because I think no one can understand me, people will just want to calm me, tell me I have the whole life to get pregnant, that I should focuse on what I have, and a lot of bullshit!
when all I want is just normal at 28.

Life is so short!
We just learn to love that we have to part, life is really flying by and wether or not we try to live the moment, to live in the carpediem, we still die a little each day and I want to live more, I need to love more and I want to give life and finally be able to love my children for real...

I know again that I am selfish or rather egocentric, not cheering up sebastien after his failure, but crying and making him feel bad and have to hug and comfort...
Poor sebastien! I am awful!

but I can't feel this guilt, no way!
these are my emotions, my sadness and my rage...

we have to talk and think of how to deal with this new rough time in our life.
I thought it was all behind and for a moment, I relived all the depression of the first years in Cambrai,all the frustrations, the lack of money,the "student" lifestyle and this isolation...

Now I know my bad dreams about muds and floud and big wind was surely that bad omen...
thanks for the hugs friends, I need them right now.


'I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.'
Sylvia plath

Pure Nonsense & the Euphoria of painting

And your words glide
Pearls of dew
Delicacies & trails of blue
Oh free spirit of my tide
Swirl and coild softly
Lull me to sleep
This bliss of being alive is so deep


Yay I got a Great Idea ( megalomania crisis of the artist ;)





yes I dared paint with my hands, somewhat...
oh and you can see I listen music to a very very old tv ahah, you can see the broke artist I am, well we live boheme, we will always recycle and not just buy buy buy
;)and waste too much!



and yes I worked on the floor, have you notice the mess( please say no, be sweet to me ;oP
wanna be my friend?;) eheh

and yes I confess, I have dared to paint on my fav ikea carpet and without an apron to protect the new hoody so white !
I am so insane ^___^ I am a pure Nonsense ;)

not too far on the floor you can see a book it is called Fruitsy fashion or something and it s about Japanese fruitsy fashion,it is so amazing,colorful and crazy I adore this!
It's inspiring:)




obviously but the idea, the theme, the searching behind it might take a few weeks hopefully,I like the idea of working on an idea, and desicating the whole essence of it,piece by piece,particule by particules, to find new things, to tame the subjective feeling I have towards it,and widen my views of it , I am so Happy...yes you know the sweet euphoria marcel duchamp is talking about


you cannot see much of where I'm going there,so I just keep you confused eheh;)
I hope it'll be as grand as I imagine it oh my!
the worste is to disapoint oneself :/

I am super happy just to be alive:)
I went to yoga class it was great!
I have worked the whole morning about my art business and replied a few emails:)
thanks for everyone who has already helped me with the questionnaire! it's kind of you!

well that was a good day,full of fun,creativity,varied things(ok some boring things too like having to park my car between two cars and couldn't do it after many tries ahahah,that also got me totally insane, ahah I easily swear like a sailor on moment like these and then yoga hasn t been useful ;oP)
anyways there are also good days like these ^_^

***many blessings and sweet dreams to you all***

ps: Marie your letter will be sent tomorrow, I have procrastinate on this, I am so sorry, that doesn't imply anything but my so annoying lack of organization!
I have a lot of letters to reply!

La Porte/ the Gate

this is about all the Gates, the one we push to live,to love,to part with beloved ones and go somewhere...hopefully above the rainbow...

larger


so I have been working on this for several days.
I love pink but finally I am not sure if I like it that way,here the pink does not really touch me as it does usually...
it doesn't feel flashy enough maybe, I dont know.

I have had a weid and disturbing nightmare last night.
Was at my parents home,as if I lived there it seems,in what used to be my lilac coffin room.

by the windows I could see muds as if the house was drown in mud, and it was raining,like some kind of floud.



it was dark which is never a good omen in Dreams when it's so dark.

there was also lots of wind,rather big wind...

I keep wondering.


I haven t showed this previous work.

I don't really like it, though I keep working.

I look at my work and I am lucid.
My collages looks better because there is not the asymetry problems or the incapacity to draw a hand or a mouth that looks like it.

I am not remaining on my safe place but I need to get back to it a bit for my painting is saddening me a bit ...

well I guess I could try to work more on abstract
but I feel it's harder to explain abstract.

I have worked a lot yesterday to send my French questionnaire about the crafty leisures to see if some people might be interested in doing mixed media classes with me.

I always wonder do we have to be that self assured to teach?

I know my subject but I can't pretend I master it.

I have only 2 years and a half of mixed media behind me and still so many things to discover,techniques to learn and try...

what would make me a great teacher would be my personality I guess, my big imagination,my creative sweet madness and the fact I am willing to give support to help others listen to their own muses :)

I just can't wait for this.

I imagine my life I feel it's still so far.
Not that I dont enjoy being here and now, for it's safe to be home and planning things,making art,working ...

I am always bothered with some doubts but I do trust my soul & I am so passionate about my project.

I just know that I should quiet myself,for some days I go every directions and I might end up working nights and days ahah ;o)

there are so many things I want to do before I die.

1) I want to see India and Nepal for there are pieces of me there I feel it, I have to find something there :)
Maybe it's but inside of me but going there will help me find it then ;-)

2) I want to publish a book or maybe more ;-)(hey why not? I have ideas!thousands of ideas, yeah I know I should work on them,I had begun a book of short novels and though it was interesting for the ideas I never took the time for it...I also wrote a book for teen and young adults about cuteness dark places and luminous philosophy but seb had to illustrate it and he never did,just because I wasn t glad with his first attempts :oP
well maybe I should think about illustrating myself?ok that's on my list :)

3)I want to be a mom of at least 3 but 4 would be nice maybe 5 but well for that i'll have to have money, we'll see I can change my mind and be more sensible if I can't afford,but children are such a joy for me, mothers can understand me I am quite sure :)

4)Love and give Love as much as I can,in every way I can

5)Find Soul sisters, friends for a lifetime here and now and also everywhere,but I want to meet them,see them for real,not just in letters or emails.
It's beautiful to reach like minded companions but the distance can be sad and frustrating sometimes.

6)garden :) yes! growing a garden of my own, Goddess knows if I'll ever have the time for it ahah ;)
I imagine that to grow a tree for each of my child when they are born, but I'll have to grow a small plant in a pot for the first one ahah,and maybe even for the second for I can't imagine owning my own house before I'll turn 35 to the best or 40/45 to the worste :( oh life!!

7)realize some of my higher goals who are so important to me...

and so many other things I can't think of now.

I feel life is so fragile.

I was kinda shocked about a death yesterday. The winner of the French star academy of 2004.
The young guy Gregory Lemarchal was only 23 just about to turn 24.
It is so sad for him all these things he won't live,all the talents and skills lost as even if I wasn't into his music at all I know an artist is an artist till they give till they are sincere and honest in what they do.
I empathize so much with the pain it must be, the fact he must have felt so terribly hurt to accept he was to be gone, having to part with beloved ones,not being able to do all the project with cherish dearly...life does not always seem fair...Hopefully there is answers beyond, after...some other gates?

His family must be so torn.
How cruel it must be to lose a child,even if they have the luck to have seen his success and that he's been immortalized in cds,dvds ,magazines and posters...

I am so worried about death even if it's silly and useless.
You can be so full of life,standing up and tomorrow cold and gone...
where?why?

I cannot grasp that reality of death it's sound so untangible.
oh it's always heartbreaking to see young people die.

I think we really have to be so grateful for this life,for the luck to live what we live,for being healthy,for being smart enough to think and analyze, for being able to create,give life,spread our love in many ways.

I am so grateful for God/Goddess whoever is out there, the soul of the universe who embrace it all and who have but a kind eyes on us.

I m so grateful for:

my sebastien, the more I am with him the more I love him because I feel understood,listened to and loved, because we share the same fun ;)

my parents because they are still alive,I have had so many friends who had a parent's dead or both and healthy( well even if my father has some pain with his feet and leg now, hopefully he will be fine and better soon and that my mom has something weird at her heart,hopefully her doctor will say what to do about it)
but they live at one hour from me and so I can meet them when I want.

my artist's path, all the things I have achieved and the fact I keep working trying involving myself so deeply in everything I do

being healthy, having a home, having a crazy cat that always make me want to cuddle ;) him

Yes Life is beautiful even if many things can sadden and question us.