jeudi 3 mai 2007

The Torrent

First of all I'm not sure who made the kind anonymous comment in my previous post but thank you so much, it kinda cheered me up on that so very much & I'm grateful for the kind attention to send me an homemade card, oh maybe was it Marie ;)
thanks dear friend!

OH life,such a weird thing...You dream,you work for dream,you come over doubts and fears, you take decisions,you make plans, you dream again and higher, you feel excited because the dream is closer, it all seem so real and possible...

and all of a sudden, Roooaaar, everything is collapsing, you were so close to another shore and life just played on you again the waves just swallow you in swirls of despair...hope is gone.
and how can you just think right? how can you go past this news that made you feel so sad?

yes I know there is no death around,we are healthy we love each other, we have a house and all the things I am sincerely very grateful to have, but dear God, why again?
what's wrong?
was it just to tell me maybe I'll never be as happy as I dream, maybe I'll never have babies and all the things that matters to me?

well seeing how I react crumbling in lead & charcoal tears, it was awful!
It's been at least a year I haven't cried that loud,shaking from all my body...

It's so weird, because yesterday,looking back at my post, my sweet day,my fun and ecstasy I felt,well there are days like these just remembering the day like that aren't too far...I am but a pessimistic...

and I felt so weird and uncomfortable the whole day, maybe was it my sixth sense?
well I am often grumpy but it was stranger today as if I was about to have an headache or something...with all the tears I cried I guess the headache is not far...ok this time I'll take a painkiller( for those who don't know me, I have a sort of phobia of medecines...I just get all panicked to swallow something chemical...)

so the bad news was that Sébastien's school decided he could not take place to his final exams.
he is in a school of art, and he was always congratulates and approved by teachers and students, so I just don't fucking get it!
I just cannot accept it right now!
Fuck all that crap of education !! aaaah!
that just makes me feel such a rage
how can they let someone go towards a wall before maybe telling him ,you'd better do that or focuse on that...I dont know !
that's not coherent
I always thought everyone said seb did a good job!
He already failed his first years, and I cried so loud at that time in 2004...I knew it would be mean another year to add in dirty boring Cambrai...despair!
and he was always good at school the following years

I don't get it.
and yes it means a lot of collapsing of dreams and wishes.
all the plans we had.
a baby, moving, my art can I do all I want to do with a student?
It's not that I am angry at sebastien, it's that I am realistic about my dreams, my plan for future

I am so lost, I needed to vent here because it really devastate me...
I know that I have gotten depressed so bad because I wanted a family with seb in 2003, I was ready for that...
I waited, I tried to accept the situation
I have tried to burry my desires, to stop dreaming, to try not to want a baby, not to think about it
sometimes I fear I might turn awfully bitter about it if I don't get pregnant at the end of this year...

I feel so sad because I think no one can understand me, people will just want to calm me, tell me I have the whole life to get pregnant, that I should focuse on what I have, and a lot of bullshit!
when all I want is just normal at 28.

Life is so short!
We just learn to love that we have to part, life is really flying by and wether or not we try to live the moment, to live in the carpediem, we still die a little each day and I want to live more, I need to love more and I want to give life and finally be able to love my children for real...

I know again that I am selfish or rather egocentric, not cheering up sebastien after his failure, but crying and making him feel bad and have to hug and comfort...
Poor sebastien! I am awful!

but I can't feel this guilt, no way!
these are my emotions, my sadness and my rage...

we have to talk and think of how to deal with this new rough time in our life.
I thought it was all behind and for a moment, I relived all the depression of the first years in Cambrai,all the frustrations, the lack of money,the "student" lifestyle and this isolation...

Now I know my bad dreams about muds and floud and big wind was surely that bad omen...
thanks for the hugs friends, I need them right now.
Building tumbling down, didn t know our love was so small...

'I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.'
Sylvia plath

4 commentaires:

Tanaya a dit…

Oh my. What words can i write to tell you that you are not alone? To tell you that things WILL be alright. They won't be easy. They won't always turn out the way that you want them to. But in the end, no matter how horrible it may seem, you will get through this.

Baby Woes are woes that I know all too well. Sometimes I want to yell and scream and kick and cry and spit and throw things. But it doesn't get me what I want. So I try, boy do I try, to live for me and to live for what is, for what is now, TODAY. Not for what I wish was or what I hope may one day be.

It is hard. To balance love and need and desire and want. You are strong though. You can deal with this. You can focus on one day, one thing, one moment.

I wish for you peace and balance and love. Hold on to him, you will get through these setbacks, together.

Jen a dit…

I am sure you have heard..."when one door closes, another opens"..don't hate me for that.
what seems like "bad" luck, can be "good"...or maybe it is just plain old bad luck...but with each torrent...a chance to say...what do I really want...for him to say, and for you to say..

.please don't abandon your dreams...I do not think that you could

this problem of not telling a person much before telling them, "now it is too late"...this ommision of communication is so exasperating! It is mean, uncaring or at the very least...without thought...

Is it possible for Sebastian to speak to teachers...for them to write or speak on his advocate for a say...why hear of this now...why the failure of say how unhappy and surprised he/I/we is/am/are and to say how interested and motivated he is to make a plan that will say how he has shown perseverance before...continued to give his energy and time...and expects to finish this part....make them be clear...(the hurdles of education...some so silly...I think educators have a responsibility to do well by the student..not just hold the student accountable for the hurdles..)

Oh were beginning on your dream...will this give more time for thought...more opportunities that you will later feel good want to get going now...I know the feeling...I wanted to move from upstate NY to somewhere sunny and full of energy.and..of potential...choices...opportunites...growth...

I wanted it soooo badly..and then 2 plus years later...we were doing husband found a job and we planned the move...and then...cancer....and that job went away...but we had already resigned...he did the treatment...he searched for another job...the treatment was done...not knowing where we would was months......and then...a job on the interview...not a fit according to the interviewer...but it seemed good...what should be the problem...the urge to fight and to convince was there...tried alittle...but not to be...

well, he found another job...and it is a good fit for now...and it has worked out...and it was actually "for the best"...there were problems with the others...really...

well, this doesn't sound very encouraging or inspirational...3 more years? or even 1?..just don't worry? are young.?
the change may happen in any time...and there is will worry...young or old--if you
have dreams and are having to delay and remain in a place that is so unhappy...then any time is too much to wait...don't what you can...and you will have what matters to you.

what I say, I know is not much...I think...what would I have wanted someone to say to me during the torrent we had...that is hard to think about...maybe--"Jen, have those things that have to be done and I am here as a friend.."...I know how hope can go away...please-- I want to give it back to you.

so here we are 3 years later...3 years from when I said...let's move...we've moved and we are here...but I had felt sad, scared, tired...had lost some hope..but after the shock...I needed something...what was there lurking in the background...was hope...

I am here for you with hopeful thoughts...I care how things go in the days ahead...this time don't try to stop the dreaming...that will give you strength. love, Jen

Anonyme a dit…

I am here my friend; and I wish you love and peace and sunny days again. All I can offer in this time of grief are big mom hugs that squeeze you tight and just love you, because no amount of words at this time can assuage the grief you feel and that you must express in order to get it out and move forward...even if the moving is only in baby Tanaya said, one thing, one moment. Look around you, you are loved..Yes, the card is from me, not sure how I got in there as anonymous...but ya girl.

Anonyme a dit…

I can't bear to see your pain!

I wanted to send your card out, but I can't seem to find your address...can you e-mail it to me? My blog is down for a bit...having some trouble...