La Porte/ the Gate

this is about all the Gates, the one we push to live,to love,to part with beloved ones and go somewhere...hopefully above the rainbow...

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so I have been working on this for several days.
I love pink but finally I am not sure if I like it that way,here the pink does not really touch me as it does usually...
it doesn't feel flashy enough maybe, I dont know.

I have had a weid and disturbing nightmare last night.
Was at my parents home,as if I lived there it seems,in what used to be my lilac coffin room.

by the windows I could see muds as if the house was drown in mud, and it was raining,like some kind of floud.



it was dark which is never a good omen in Dreams when it's so dark.

there was also lots of wind,rather big wind...

I keep wondering.


I haven t showed this previous work.

I don't really like it, though I keep working.

I look at my work and I am lucid.
My collages looks better because there is not the asymetry problems or the incapacity to draw a hand or a mouth that looks like it.

I am not remaining on my safe place but I need to get back to it a bit for my painting is saddening me a bit ...

well I guess I could try to work more on abstract
but I feel it's harder to explain abstract.

I have worked a lot yesterday to send my French questionnaire about the crafty leisures to see if some people might be interested in doing mixed media classes with me.

I always wonder do we have to be that self assured to teach?

I know my subject but I can't pretend I master it.

I have only 2 years and a half of mixed media behind me and still so many things to discover,techniques to learn and try...

what would make me a great teacher would be my personality I guess, my big imagination,my creative sweet madness and the fact I am willing to give support to help others listen to their own muses :)

I just can't wait for this.

I imagine my life I feel it's still so far.
Not that I dont enjoy being here and now, for it's safe to be home and planning things,making art,working ...

I am always bothered with some doubts but I do trust my soul & I am so passionate about my project.

I just know that I should quiet myself,for some days I go every directions and I might end up working nights and days ahah ;o)

there are so many things I want to do before I die.

1) I want to see India and Nepal for there are pieces of me there I feel it, I have to find something there :)
Maybe it's but inside of me but going there will help me find it then ;-)

2) I want to publish a book or maybe more ;-)(hey why not? I have ideas!thousands of ideas, yeah I know I should work on them,I had begun a book of short novels and though it was interesting for the ideas I never took the time for it...I also wrote a book for teen and young adults about cuteness dark places and luminous philosophy but seb had to illustrate it and he never did,just because I wasn t glad with his first attempts :oP
well maybe I should think about illustrating myself?ok that's on my list :)

3)I want to be a mom of at least 3 but 4 would be nice maybe 5 but well for that i'll have to have money, we'll see I can change my mind and be more sensible if I can't afford,but children are such a joy for me, mothers can understand me I am quite sure :)

4)Love and give Love as much as I can,in every way I can

5)Find Soul sisters, friends for a lifetime here and now and also everywhere,but I want to meet them,see them for real,not just in letters or emails.
It's beautiful to reach like minded companions but the distance can be sad and frustrating sometimes.

6)garden :) yes! growing a garden of my own, Goddess knows if I'll ever have the time for it ahah ;)
I imagine that to grow a tree for each of my child when they are born, but I'll have to grow a small plant in a pot for the first one ahah,and maybe even for the second for I can't imagine owning my own house before I'll turn 35 to the best or 40/45 to the worste :( oh life!!

7)realize some of my higher goals who are so important to me...

and so many other things I can't think of now.

I feel life is so fragile.

I was kinda shocked about a death yesterday. The winner of the French star academy of 2004.
The young guy Gregory Lemarchal was only 23 just about to turn 24.
It is so sad for him all these things he won't live,all the talents and skills lost as even if I wasn't into his music at all I know an artist is an artist till they give till they are sincere and honest in what they do.
I empathize so much with the pain it must be, the fact he must have felt so terribly hurt to accept he was to be gone, having to part with beloved ones,not being able to do all the project with cherish dearly...life does not always seem fair...Hopefully there is answers beyond, after...some other gates?

His family must be so torn.
How cruel it must be to lose a child,even if they have the luck to have seen his success and that he's been immortalized in cds,dvds ,magazines and posters...

I am so worried about death even if it's silly and useless.
You can be so full of life,standing up and tomorrow cold and gone...
where?why?

I cannot grasp that reality of death it's sound so untangible.
oh it's always heartbreaking to see young people die.

I think we really have to be so grateful for this life,for the luck to live what we live,for being healthy,for being smart enough to think and analyze, for being able to create,give life,spread our love in many ways.

I am so grateful for God/Goddess whoever is out there, the soul of the universe who embrace it all and who have but a kind eyes on us.

I m so grateful for:

my sebastien, the more I am with him the more I love him because I feel understood,listened to and loved, because we share the same fun ;)

my parents because they are still alive,I have had so many friends who had a parent's dead or both and healthy( well even if my father has some pain with his feet and leg now, hopefully he will be fine and better soon and that my mom has something weird at her heart,hopefully her doctor will say what to do about it)
but they live at one hour from me and so I can meet them when I want.

my artist's path, all the things I have achieved and the fact I keep working trying involving myself so deeply in everything I do

being healthy, having a home, having a crazy cat that always make me want to cuddle ;) him

Yes Life is beautiful even if many things can sadden and question us.