The Torrent

First of all I'm not sure who made the kind anonymous comment in my previous post but thank you so much, it kinda cheered me up on that so very much & I'm grateful for the kind attention to send me an homemade card, oh maybe was it Marie ;)
thanks dear friend!

OH life,such a weird thing...You dream,you work for dream,you come over doubts and fears, you take decisions,you make plans, you dream again and higher, you feel excited because the dream is closer, it all seem so real and possible...

and all of a sudden, Roooaaar, everything is collapsing, you were so close to another shore and life just played on you again the waves just swallow you in swirls of despair...hope is gone.
and how can you just think right? how can you go past this news that made you feel so sad?

yes I know there is no death around,we are healthy we love each other, we have a house and all the things I am sincerely very grateful to have, but dear God, why again?
what's wrong?
was it just to tell me maybe I'll never be as happy as I dream, maybe I'll never have babies and all the things that matters to me?

well seeing how I react crumbling in lead & charcoal tears, it was awful!
It's been at least a year I haven't cried that loud,shaking from all my body...

It's so weird, because yesterday,looking back at my post, my sweet day,my fun and ecstasy I felt,well there are days like these just remembering the day like that aren't too far...I am but a pessimistic...

and I felt so weird and uncomfortable the whole day, maybe was it my sixth sense?
well I am often grumpy but it was stranger today as if I was about to have an headache or something...with all the tears I cried I guess the headache is not far...ok this time I'll take a painkiller( for those who don't know me, I have a sort of phobia of medecines...I just get all panicked to swallow something chemical...)

so the bad news was that Sébastien's school decided he could not take place to his final exams.
he is in a school of art, and he was always congratulates and approved by teachers and students, so I just don't fucking get it!
I just cannot accept it right now!
Fuck all that crap of education !! aaaah!
that just makes me feel such a rage
how can they let someone go towards a wall before maybe telling him ,you'd better do that or focuse on that...I dont know !
that's not coherent
I always thought everyone said seb did a good job!
He already failed his first years, and I cried so loud at that time in 2004...I knew it would be mean another year to add in dirty boring Cambrai...despair!
and he was always good at school the following years

I don't get it.
and yes it means a lot of collapsing of dreams and wishes.
all the plans we had.
a baby, moving, my art business...how can I do all I want to do with a student?
It's not that I am angry at sebastien, it's that I am realistic about my dreams, my plan for future

I am so lost, I needed to vent here because it really devastate me...
I know that I have gotten depressed so bad because I wanted a family with seb in 2003, I was ready for that...
I waited, I tried to accept the situation
I have tried to burry my desires, to stop dreaming, to try not to want a baby, not to think about it
sometimes I fear I might turn awfully bitter about it if I don't get pregnant at the end of this year...

I feel so sad because I think no one can understand me, people will just want to calm me, tell me I have the whole life to get pregnant, that I should focuse on what I have, and a lot of bullshit!
when all I want is just normal at 28.

Life is so short!
We just learn to love that we have to part, life is really flying by and wether or not we try to live the moment, to live in the carpediem, we still die a little each day and I want to live more, I need to love more and I want to give life and finally be able to love my children for real...

I know again that I am selfish or rather egocentric, not cheering up sebastien after his failure, but crying and making him feel bad and have to hug and comfort...
Poor sebastien! I am awful!

but I can't feel this guilt, no way!
these are my emotions, my sadness and my rage...

we have to talk and think of how to deal with this new rough time in our life.
I thought it was all behind and for a moment, I relived all the depression of the first years in Cambrai,all the frustrations, the lack of money,the "student" lifestyle and this isolation...

Now I know my bad dreams about muds and floud and big wind was surely that bad omen...
thanks for the hugs friends, I need them right now.


'I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am.'
Sylvia plath