a barrier's just broken and tears are pouring down...
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 19): Your charm is at your disposal today as you express your needs with the smoothness of a well-trained entertainer. But your message isn't necessarily entertaining, for you have very real issues you want to explore. Resist the temptation to keep your discussions light and easy. If you risk stepping into the shadows, you will be justly rewarded.
I just cannot talk about how I feel truly because I am rather bored about it and very jaded...
well to be honest I feel bad showing this.
I have made it with a load of self doubt which is so useless and never good to make an artist improve...I am so stuck these days...my emotions drives me mad.
oh and black painting is definetly not for me...
the words say(translated as it's written in French:" the gates will stay closed for a while I will exhume the secrets beneath the darkness, nobody should enter.
My wings are bleeding the ink of concealed thoughts ,what remains deep inside of me...you've got my face the power of my words but sometimes you're not me anymore..."
I don't like this artwork much due to its awkwardness I feel. I know when I am daring when I just jump into the void when I make art.
and here I was tied...I really have to let go to empty all these things I keep inside, I hold for nothing...who cares after all?
What do I fear?
People might laugh? people might think oooh ooh she's back in depression yay!
good for her that's all she deserves!
or people might think I am the pathetic stereotype of the artist,when truly I have made most of my work with enthusiasm and positive energy except maybe for the beginning...and some phases...
I am incredibly sad for I can not make friends. I cannot feel that beauty, that bond I cherish
Everyone I know goes away in the end!
and though I have been able to express the anger , I have concealed the sorrow and it's a real sharp and deep gashes.
I feel all of a sudden there was no one anymore around me but my sebastien and my cat.
I also know that now It's pretty difficult for me to open up and want to create a real bond, I am silent and distant because I also have other worries adding to this solitude of the soul.
I keep on wondering if I'll ever savour some kind of pseudo happiness...I'm already grateful for the blissful moments, the things I have shared but I really often come too close to that awful impression and maybe some other piscean fellows can relate, it's full of a spirit fatigue & it makes you wonder if it finally won't ever change ,you'll ever come down to this: nothing makes me really happy!
I am a deeply emotional person but anytime I am close to falling down I wear the masks of coldness bitterness numbness not to go deeper.
In my art I dig deeper to find the pieces, to mend again, to remember who I really am.
I am a spiritual witch of Light and I am heading towards some kind of completeness & I am often considered like a listener, I can empathize a lot but when I'm that sad I protect myself and stay away from everything and everyone.
I know I always have something new to learn in this. I know we're always so alone in this.
these are some of my recent squared art and a mini card(bigger than atcs)
I always feel so in phase with Persephone due to the fact I often have to go 6 months in my chaotic dry cold & dark underworld...
I always thought what was next?I was excited about life and had dreams & plans,but lately even my greatest yearning to be a mother got all chocked under the self-doubt and all my incapacity to deal with all the emotions getting the best of me...
I can't even believe I'm turning 28 next month.
It's so silly to get obssessed and so depressed each year before my bday.
But hopefully it'll be like next year and in March I'll be super happy ,enthusiastic and ready to spread Love around again like the poetic terrorist I am.
(I still honestly know that some things in me attach me to this melanchollic thoughts, it's good when it's inspiring it's pure waste of energy when it just makes me cry and feel so exhausted...)
Deep inside of me I know I still Love life I just have to find back those roots that made me cherish it made me celebrate it.
Maybe winter is just made of insomnia, tears and loads of dark waves...
What is important now is for me to be honest with myself,expressing how I feel...denying can truly push me towards the worse.
I think too many things have been added and now the new sad thing is that Sebastien might not be able to go on holidays with me...& it was our first vacations to the mountains since 6 years, it would have been needed because I am always at home( unemployed/trying to be a full time artist,thriving and aching for this sometimes...)and I don't have any friends around , I wanted something new, a change, was it too much to ask?
The idea of going there with my parents alone, makes me feel so bad.
I love them they are wonderful but I don't know when we'll be able to have an holidays together then...seb will end school this year and have to find a job and as we will be moving in a place where there is more activity I will search for a job too again surely and if I'm feeling seriously better maybe we'll think of having a baby( though right now I just am too dark for this, giving life is too precious I have to be able to enjoy and be grateful for it).