jeudi 9 août 2007

Soul searching:Horizons & boundaries

Lately I got a real good feeling of being me.finding new pieces of my personality, I felt very balanced, very happy being me, at the right place and doing what I should do even if all the things I did lately were maybe weird or different from how I am used to be seen and even by myself!
I realized in this research and exploration that I am very/really different.
no in the fact we are all unique and different, but really different from what people do or think and yet I had a plunge in another kind of place.
I fall into the crows of maybe normal people.
I recalled some obsessions. I admitted several things about me and humanity.
I grow a bigger tolerance and widen my horizon.

but then after this good feeling I came to some other conclusions that made me feel a little sad sometimes.
I also whatever I'll say feel a little bad about age.
it s not really the physical aging, I dont know, it's the fact of not being the young one anymore.
sure many of my friends are older so for them I am the young...but I feel so old.

I don't know how to explain and well maybe right now it makes me feel a little sad for nothing I know.
just a waste of time and thinking.
let me try to answer my questions for the getting to know day I did.

1)Do you think you really know yourself pretty well?tell us more.

Yes I know myself a lot, always a little more each day because I do believe we learn everyday something new and this can have impact in our personality and way of thinking.
I have realised for instance that I sort of watched out my way of writing here because I have older friends and I don't want to let go with language and swearing because with words like 'fuck' ' damn it' etc I'll sound like the young one even more.

maybe what bothers me in being seen as the young one is that as who I am myself I feel the old one, especially when making younger friends :((((((
Oh Goddess I am closer to the thirtieth crisis I guess;)
no I am kidding but lately I told seb I would like to people and pretend I am 24 like him ;)

silly me;)

I digress so much.
I know myself because maybe I am very close to my emotional self and all the things I feel I analyse, I need to dig deeper and understand everything,learn,know...
But as I am a paradoxical person,with different personas that make it very complexe somehow for me to understand myself sometimes, I can say there are days I wonder if I know this person.

2)Do you think you are a tolerant person? how far?

I am tolerant.
I tolerate what does not hurt another person.
I tolerate what still respect others.
I think everyone has the right to do what they want,think what they think till it is not in an evil way you know.
I don't tolerate muslims man who force their woman to obey,stay at home, wear the veil if it doesn't make these wives happy, if these wives are sincerely honestly fine with it, then whatever it's their lives!
I won't bring my high feminist artillery!
I tolerate people who smoke pot if they are not my friends and if it's not in my home, the same for cigarettes
well I could hardly have friends who smoke because it would be really difficult to meet, I cannot bear the smell of cigarettes.

3) what about your strong opinions? is it easy to talk about them or can it hurt others opinion?can it create distance between you and your family? you and your friends?

I had many problems about these.
here on an old jrnl profile you can read something I wrote and that cost me a friendship
the girl put that quotes about some punk rock emo star oh well , she seemed to admire him so much that she would swallow all of his speech, I did not understand.
It was not right, I dont know.

I am always annoyed when people put the blame on humanity always as if we were fundamentally evil?
am I the last one to believe there is real good in human beings?or what?

I have split with a friend because she voted Bush, well I was just so shocked , felt betrayed that she had such a way of thinking.
it was so not in harmony with her personality and thinking.
with time I felt I had overreacted.
but the fact she voted to sort of please her family that was a big too much for me.

But I am not an American I don t know how it is and how it works.
and our president here does not make me happier so...

I try to avoid strong opinions topics now.
I am way too passionate about my convictions.
I can listen to others but if I think what they think is so opposed to what I think it might create a big gap.
tolerance sure. but our friends are pieces of us, we are who we love.
I am not going to be friends with xenophobic homophobic mysognynist for instance mwahahahhahha(evil laughters)

4)What is judgemental?
do you judge yourself, do you give limits to yourself, as you are like this so you can not do that?
do you have this feeling that people who sort of know you sometimes can limit you, because you feel you are what they see and know of you and you can't be more wondering/worrying if they will still love you the same and accept you if you think or act this way?

we all make boring and stupid assumptions as if we were better than others, as if because we dont act or like the same things we are over them.
I would like to go past this once for all.
the easy critiques you know. the "oh she is blonde and sexy, brainless slut"

I dont know anyways why we take the time to criticize others that are so different from us. is it to draw the lines? to stay away from what we'll never be?
is it because we dont understand that kind of attitudes?

do we need to be mean ,saying things about others?
I mean may it be stars,persons on tv etc...

I have a sharp critiques because I am so frank,it is dangerous!
I am impulsive and spontaneous so it does not help.

I also judge myself a lot, I try to do this less and less, but I can't change the bad habits in a night;)
I am always too fat here, too skinny, I have wrinkles,grey white hair, I have tired eyes, I am not pretty,I am good at this, could I be better at that...etc

it's like a constant search for improvement, obsessional maybe?
Yet I am not that self centered!

I think I have that idea that people I care about,friends, have an idea of me, that I am sweet and nice.
and sometimes I am not even sure they would love it all about me, but if seb can maybe then I should not worry:)
I think I can do things where I am not expected and maybe it may shock,disapoint or confuse others.

I dont do it in this purpose, I do it for the sake of expression and for the sake of my soul's yearning to exist, to feel alive,real etc, to fill myself with sparkles with lights,with fireflies, I dont know...I bear this lacuna in me.

I am glad of my life etc but I bear empty spaces, the 'not enough' and 'missing parts' often comes back to me.

so as for judgemental I try to take distance to it, not to talk to someone a certain way because of their age etc,condescendence for instance is something I hardly tolerate.
I am humble whatever people say.
I might talk assert myself,put my pictures and art everywhere, I am still my little self.nothing more nothing less.

5)How do you push your limits and open your self to new horizons?
what did you learn or discovery lately about yourself that surprised you?

by taking risks, being there where I am not expected
do crazy things
surprise myself
role play in my art, putting myself in someone else's dress, I love that
not because my own life dress doesn t suit me but because some escapism and dream of several existences is a pleasure artists can taste.

I discovered some things I won't write here. I keep it for art if I want to share it.
it surprised me because of what I had said in the past.

6)Have you ever done something that was very unusual for you?
do you sometimes research and try new things to get closer to your real self, to grow, to go on building your personality, to always develope it and evolve?

yes.I am researching on weird things to help myself with other things.
I am getting closer to myself in this process . I can't explain.
I feel freer.
I need to always evolve and get to know new things,dive deeper in the self discovery to inspire myself with new things.
I love this because even if my life is the same daily, waking up making art etc
I can add lots of fundamental changes in my heart/soul/mind/spirit

I am closer to myself and healthier.
I am learning to love myself in another way.

7)What are the limits you won't ever cross?I mean in changing,evolving,saying who you are,being your true self?
what are the limits you keep, to have a full balance being you, sharing your truths and being accepted?

I won't cross the limits of modifying myself,changing the person I am totally.
I can try things that are not really me to see how it feels, like trying new personas:)
I wont abandon myself, my faithfulness, I wont betray my beliefs, my love for God/Goddess
I wont betray my beloved ones ever.
In changing and evolving I wont forget where I'm coming from and I will never cross the lines to lose myself taking too big risks that could show another image of me that is wrong.
but some things about me can give an image of me that is already wrong
it s people judgement, I can not do anything to prevent this
I'll be this and that for you and this and that for another person.

some think I am boring some think I am intriguing:)
it s a fair balance;)

the limits I keep to feel balanced being me and accepted by others?
respect honesty and not necessarily telling everything when not needed.
people don't have to know it all about me to love me.
some things are private.

I have to learn that privacy thing,it is weird because I feel I need to explain it all,to share myself, to say what I think,why I do that, explain my work ,my pictures etc ,and maybe mostly and surely for fear of being misinterpreted,misread and taken wrongly
but whatever, I know it's something that cannot be avoid if you dare put your soul in the light and be your naked self.

I don't mind judgements if my beloved ones love and accept me as I am, I am fine and blessed. and as far as I accept myself I am feeling good.

Poppy cravings

Poppy cravings, my latest artwork


3 commentaires:

Valaine a dit…

I love this painting, the red and the greens. The red bird is close to my heart and the poppy is something that I long to meet one day.

I enjoyed reading your post you gave a lot of knowledge of who you are, you are so giving of yourself! You have so much to give! I relate to what you said about almost turning 30, I will turn 30 in less than 20 days. Also when you wrote about not knowing why we take the time to criticize others who are so different from us and your 3 questions, that was very insightful!

~ Valaine

Tina Poe a dit…

What a beautiful mood set with this painting, I love the textures and the contrasting colors!

Anonyme a dit…

It's been a while I haven't heard from you Helenina!
just wanted to say hello, I am thinking of you and I really love all your recent artworks!Hopefully I'll ask you a comissioned painting in september we've had some worries with car bills here!
hope to hear from you again!