I feel so so lately...
Yet I have been so touched by the birthday cards and lovely packages I have received along the week!
It's so wonderful to get surprises!
not that I'm a greedy person but I am a little fae child and yes I adore presents:) opening,trying to guess! it's exciting!
so I guess I don't have the right to say I feel lonely ;)or unloved.
Yet I feel a bit this way.
I feel my sebastien's love, he is so adorable. I love him more and more these days and it's very pleasant and wonderful to feel this way as it hasn't always been that easy(we've been together for 6 years),especially when we more and more think about having a baby.
This yearning is very tearing because though I sell my art I know for now I couldn't support my family this way and it bothers me.
I really want the best for my child, for my family,for us.
this collage is on 30x40 cm canvas and yes I like canvas, but more and more I prefer paper,it's another texture,it's different, I love touching paper and working on it.
I think tomorrow I am going to buy 29x42 cm watercolor paper... I can wait to get used to work on this size of paper!
but yes I know it's expensive and will take a lot more place in the apartment...sighs!
anyways I am not sure what to think about this work. the blue looks more violet deep blue in real and though I painted over a self portrait, I tried to make it look not really like me...
I feel when I look at it that there is a religious or mystic dimension to it though I did not think about that at all.
First of all I wanted to talk about feeling lost on this blue ball,lost in space and time, needing to feel home,to find the place to hide, the place I feel real,so alive and can wish upon a star.
Stars are a recurent element in my work, I love that shape, I love the metaphore(s) of stars,what they can mean and represent & here I have made a different style of stars.
I don't feel I have succeed in expressing my thoughts in this work.
I feel mute in my art lately.
Maybe a week without making anything got me a bit confused on how to go back into my world,my very own dimension?
I know I still have so much to say, but it just does not come out.
and this generates anger,negative feelings and coldness...I am tired.
I guess I should talk about this coldness I hate.
It's this typical feeling that makes me want to lock all the doors to my soul.
I am not defined as someone cold, I am often seen as sweet,lovely,spontaneous etc but I really can sense that coldness.
There is few people who got me mellow :sebastien and Takun:)
oh and of course anytime I see another kittie or a baby in the street:)
yesterday I was listening to a little boy talking to his mother about his sport class and it was so cute, I wished it happened to me one day.
Only the idea of living this,having a conversation with my boy or little girl, is some kind of a dream...
I was wishing " oh God make them be good person!"
I would certainly die if I 'create' a person like alexis...
I really want my children to be good respectul and kind hearted persons... I know it's a parents role,but it doesn't make it all.
My parents are wonderful people and they brought a. to this world.
I have made several small collages,I created along this week with a bad feeling of emptiness, missing pieces you know.
Yet I know myself and I love myself but I felt there was something wrong again.
I keep repeating myself I have to work, I want to be able to draw faces I can like,that have expressions,that show feelings then I have to try and try again...not just want to give up like a child all the time.
I am so boring sometimes! it's amazing!
I finally decided to go back for more collage work because I really needed some comfort,a consolation to feel I exist I am not nothing at all.
I like this collage but I still feel this feeling of imperfection,uncompleteness,disatisfaction...It's still not enough to appease me.
so this weekend I will have to work a lot more!
I have to challenge myself, I don't know, I have to open some forgotten doors, destroy some lying windows, I dont know, maybe tear some pieces of my skies, burn parts of my garden, I need action,creation...
I'm still often torn between two voices, the one who yell at me and tell me to give up and the other one who fight with light and still want to create because it's her only way to feel heard.
under each dark window there is a word: weakness and sadness.
on the butterfly is written "protect the heart"
all around I have written improvisation of thoughts in French:
I have drenched my wings to every despair I have bleed the esteem wanting so much to believe it's in the core of my veins that poetry entwine to molasses and dreams, a touch of light,what do they see through the windows of my soul when the doors call for me...I am afraid I am afraid the din of the hands reminds me I have to live, draw the curtains unveil my tears( meaning tearings not crying)so that I'll be feed with flowers here and now before my tomb my garden is so wide it still grows( in French there is a pun with croit that could mean believe and grow at the same time)and you even haven't yet seen my sky...
I guess it's me talking to me:)
so well life goes on...to be continued...
blessings & namasté