9

I guess it's surely my last post before Nina's birth.
I am so emotional that I will perhaps need time to share my thoughts and photos of her, but I am so eager to see life in her eyes!
will she have her so beautiful dad's light colored eyes? I hope so but for that I guess we'll need months to be sure!

When I think I'm soon going to hold her in my arms everyday, it's pure bliss, it blows my mind...for everytime I hear a newborn's cry, see a baby smile, hear them laughing, I feel this emotion in my heart, I am going to be a mother...

It's something I am going to be passionate with , a role in my life I will honor and celebrate!
I am so happy God!

I am even happier that this happiness is shared with so many people, that it does not locked me in a bubble, it makes me spread more of my self, it makes me have more love and sweetness to share.
It makes me relate with all moms to be or young moms.

All along this pregnancy I have been able to create new and beautiful friendship bonds which I hope will last and blossom!

Nine in the number.
My love and I celebrated our 9 years anniversary with all the turmoils and beautiful moments we've lived I'm amazed to be there now, 9!already?
And today I am beginning the 9th and last month of pregnancy with the intuition Nina will arrive earlier( but maybe it's only my big desire and impatience now that is talking...naaah it's my intuition :P)

Anyways, she will arrive in two or four weeks, we'll see, but it really sound so little now and I'm going to live this amazing moment, I am going to share this most beautiful day and all these special emotions with my love and family, it's amazing!

I am tired on and off, I was feeling good on sunday.
We took the excuse of Valentine's day to celebrate our anniversary again ;)and went to the restaurant!

I wanted for Valentine's day to create some artworks for my friends and random act of kindness:)I went back to my first love for mixed media collages, playing, cutting,glueing, scattering glitter :))
it made me happy to made those and I still have about 3 to create but not sure if I'll be able to.





I also have edited friends photos and wrote some inspired poems, here two beautiful selfies by Sara:


Sara's secrets
like shedding petals and glows from the boughs
The most beautiful Princess wearing her shadow
wet feet in the blue puddles she plays
Reading words and names the trees reflect
Sugary child like magic
Like springtime in her eyes
Behind her the winter layers & snowflake tears
When they are all frozen
You will know what they have written
And light oh so Light
Sara will wander
In the poem Gardens
She will shout her colors
Pigment of truth
fearless ribbons of all her emotions
She will be heard and understood
And her Soul will rebirth
(...)




hat's on if I show you my feminine frailty how will I be taken seriously
Make a wish
hat's off if I show you I am a man how will you allow me to cry
hold the leash
If I look at myself in your mirror I will never dare to be me
Along the forest to my core
my soul is open and sore(...)

two pictures of the beautiful Lindsey:








Bipolar lands
Such an frozen ocean of dichotomy
streams of masks
dress of lace and leather
Entertwined emotions in each threads
Can I breathe again
Eyes wide closed
I see the core
Who am I when they dance around me
Nature spirits and reminiscence of antique stories
vintage photographs around her dead body
Winter was never the season
bitter snowflakes on my tongue
I read the heavens truths
How we all wander in the woods to find the words to tell our life
our lies our strifes
From sunshine caroussels to dirty graves
From enchanting fae nymps chants to dreary escapes
We walk through our own stories
Trying to recollect the pieces of who we are who we were
Hoping to catch a glimpse of everything we can be we could be
treading on so many perhaps
Chocking the maybes
Never believing in our glow
unable to love each day the way they are
Running from orchids hills
Falling on slopes of chills
our wraths our lures
our paths our vultures
The crow songs always so mesmerizing for the melanchollia in me
enemy
cradling my dreams how to grow in the mud
Photophobia
Wearing my favourite little black dress
the same one for so many years
Pelted soul with cosmic storms
Twirling with my delights devoring the days when dark shines
collapsing in the decaying books of hopes
Too many birds
have lost feathers
My personas my loveliest sisters
Alter ego queens of thistles and dandelions
Swallowing dust biting clouds
hanged to the silver lining
Forever changing with moired colored worlds
Always the same with a keycode heart realm
(...)



little heart
little bird
let me sing you my soul springtime
Sugarplum
sweet pie
let me me show the moonlight
The nest is ready
My arms wide open
The garden feels so alive
Overflowing with flowers and vines
I think of you day and night
Still no face on so many sweet names
baby love my lovely rainbow
Your precious energy has healed me within
The day of your birth
The woman in me will be born again
We will spread our wings together
Pouring glitter on one another
Humid eyes
We will feel home again(...)

***


























this one is surely one of my favorite pregnancy picture because really it was not easy to do this bubble shooting, I always had to jump on the bed, blow bubble and try to get ready to be a minimum photogenical ^____^
but it was definetly worth it, my last shooting of my pregnancy, as now I wont do no more, I am waiting for Nina to be my new favorite model :))♥♥♥



I love that one too, I look more like a woman than a babywoman, it's different :)
and I'm so in love with my rainbow jade necklace!

and this is a series I have enjoyed so much doing, it came to me all naturally in a early morning day and it was a real cool feeling to do weird and disturbing images in between the sweet ones :)
It was inspired by IRM, the song written by Beck and sung by the wonderful Charlotte Gainsbourg









when I listen to that song I just feel like singing and dancing:))it's very fascinating and it carries me away:)



I look more child like on this picture and I love it:




On Valentine's day I wanted to talk also about Asian New Year, because my mom's mother was from Vietnam and in my childhood we used to celebrate this and I loved it so much, especially the food, the beautiful show with the vietnamese singer always so pretty and well dressed like princesses and the chinese unicorn that fascinated me as much as it scared me if it would pass way too close to me ^___^
the music of the drums at that moment can be impressive for children ;)

I really hope later to go to a vietnamese New year show again, just to share this with my Sebastien and my children so they can see a bit of what I am made of.
I have all these memories and it's sad that in her last years my grandma was not nice at all, because it would be easier to remember her with love...I still can remember the time I loved her of course, during childhood, she was a really great grandmother taking us to funfairs, buying us delicious candies and cooking oh so good vietnamese food but not only!

I am going to learn to cook more vietnamese food this year.

I wish a wonderful year to all the vietnamese community and all the asian people!
This tiger year's gonna be oh so bright and beautiful!

I love to say that Nina will be a little tiger fish(pisces)
;-)
It's going to be real ,she's going to be there oh so soon now.
Yesterday seb and I went to a birth class,it was interesting :)

we are going again on friday, I love that because it makes more time shared with my love :)
and it's really wonderful to have been able to share this pregnancy beautiful adventure with him all along these months, yeah of course not always so beautiful, remember the so cool nauseous morning ^_______^ahah

Today I have the visit of Vanessa and her little Thiméo, which is going to be nice.

I miss my parents! yes. Yet I have dreamt of them so bad, nightmares, quarrels and all. But mostly these last days of pregnancy I am having stressful nightmares, nothing ugly or bloody but with negative emotions, worries...It's very exhausting!
and I keep waking up every hour.
So now my sleep is totally broken.

but maybe it gets me used to this if I have to breastfeed Nina every hour,we'll see that.
I am eager for this to begin, to see how it feels, to create a loving bond with her!
I so want to be close to my daughter, to get to know her deeply, to understand her, to be there for her anytime in her life, to listen to her closely, to awake her spirit and share with her my passions for art of any kinds, for words even for cooking :))

I so want to be careful to do things right so she became a beautiful soul with a kind heart.

As for Valentine's day it's not really something I celebrate in the commercial way(except for the restaurant, but it's such a pleasure ^______^ I love eating out, I also love discovering new food, new restaurants!)

but V day is an excuse perhaps to remember all the people we loved and/or still love.
The dead for instance.

And to live with awareness of the blessings to have so many loved ones around us, our family, friends, sweetheart...

I said this year was going to be the year of Friendship because it is love too!
but finally it's going to be the year of Love beautiful balance: family and friends.

Of course people who are single on that day can feel a bit lonely, as if life was not good to them, I used to feel that way, before sebastien I've had many lonely V day.
But we have to keep hoping and loving, may it be ourselves or all the things that generates this wonderful feelings inside us.
we don't find answers in having a boyfriend,fiancé or husband, we don't feel more complete in getting married etc not even less lonely, because somehow we still have some time alone and it's better to be able to enjoy oneself alone and love ourselves.

The key is inside us, we find a love balance in being at peace with everything we are and can be.
When we have found home and love inside us, we can spread it around and the universe will respond in time.

keep loving & believing!
You are love and loved.

Blessings & namasté,


Someone who goes with half a loaf of bread to small place that fits like a nest around them, someone who wants no more, who's not themselves longed for by anyone else, that someone is a letter to everyone. You open it. It say, Live. - Rumi



ps: and here you can ask me anything :o)

Awakening of your inner muses and true self, let's dance in the creative healing circus!

Muse coaching fae

I am offering e-courses as a Muse coach for women interested in reconnecting themselves to the goddesses and using creative healing to feel more in touch with their soul and their true essence.
the courses will be every week for a month about spiritual journey,art prompts and creative self portrait challenge.

feel free to have a look.

The classes should begin at the end of May till the end of June if I have enough students to start with.
so if you're interested, feel free to ask questions(via emails)and let me know.



Blessed be!

Despairelation?

"dora. [deleted] says:
what really depresses me? and if i say that sometimes i just come over so miserable, so sad... without a reason... going deep down and down... and if i say that even these moments give me pleasure, bring enjoyment... is there a reason why i'm so depressed now? why i'm veering between these depressive like moods and total elation? or maybe it's because i'm so self-centered, always in need to play a leading part and getting down when i get the role of a secondary importance?

i'm depressed 'cause i give more than i receive, 'cause i can't make my dream go on, 'cause i want to hold on to sth that will never come to my expectations...
i'm depressed 'cause the reality is much more different than i've imagined...
i'm depressed 'cause i did things i didn't want to do...
and i'm depressed 'cause i regret things i could have done but i didn't...

and i stop being depressed when i have no time to think about all these stuff.."


This is kind of copyright infrigment to take those words and use them here, but the day I saw those words at flickr around last november I felt such an echo in those words.
Somehow I could relate to Dora.
I could feel her soul. Her sorrow and I don't know who she is at all, but I hope she's feeling better off by now, though with such emotions, it's hard to find a real repose.

I loved reading her words.
she inspired me. I will surely write and paint on Dora, the Ghost Muse.

somehow easier to love to the ones who don't exist, imaginary friends,muses and all than the real ones who can cut you through & leave the most damage.

I say so but my heart is sick enough and unafraid to love more which is why I'm here.
you don't love? then you die.
easy as that.

I felt there was so much of her soul in this, I felt she was the friend who could understand me as I am with my extreme sides.
You never know where I am.
A moment I run with kisses in my arms the second after I only have cuts everywhere and I'm falling apart.

"My name is Hélène and I'm a non anonymous neurotic artist..."
"good evening Hélène!"
clap clap clap.

quietly trying to laugh.

I read somewhere a photographer saying: I'm a cynical with an idealist heart.

that's so true.
I often think cynism is ugly, hopeless and oh my , most of the time I want to turn the neck of these people.

I've had cynical friends.
I stopped being their friends.
I could not hear them anymore.
I wanted to slap their face and say shut the fuck if everything is so bitter and hopeless go die and leave us alone, let us keep finding some hopes and lights, let us do what we want to do , let us be mere humans!

I am depressed lately.very.
The more I hide it, the more it swallow me all, the more I get back to the most cynical inside of me.
It's my Adah's side.
The anger.

that's a real banshee howl.

When sebastien turned on the tv tonight I wanted to scream at the top of my voice.
I don't want to see that.
I don't want to hear that.
Fuck! how does this gonna change my life? how can I help the suffering there?
I can not.
shut this fucking box of crap off!

I try to be as much sincere as possible but sometimes I just don't know how to explain to my dearest friends how awful I feel inside of me because the day after I giggle or am elated for details, for nothing at all or everything.

I wanted also lately to be more private.
to hide my real life to people because it pisses me off how people talk about you.
I admire my friends who keep their private life for them.
I don't mind to share my happy moments. My loved ones.My family.the real me.
But I'm reluctant at talking about my winter depression...
My friends ask how I feel with such enthusiasm that I don't know what to answer.

either I ignore the question or I answer what I think they want to hear with the sound of the truth.

I believe people think you, I, are not allowed to be depressed.
No reasons.

I'm beautiful, so beautiful!
that's what I hear most everyday, yeah my ego can be licked but you know the thing with ego, the more you lick the bigger it goes...kind of cynic erotism ahah
it's past midnight I'm allowed.

ego is our male side I believe.
I have to part things, to be at peace with my sides.Siva.shakti.
destroy.rebuilt.cut through.nurture.
fall.spring again with lights.

It's so hard.

I've been crying so much in december.
some days I felt I reached the bottom of hopelessness.
This feeling. this void. this sight.
it was something stiffling.

but I'm beautiful thus unallowed to feel the way I feel right?
and if I acknowledge how sad I'm feeling inside right now that will make me be seen as week and it'll be equate to my work and I'll keep that so hard to leave label of the sullen girl.

It is true that I still can be hurt by those people's word.
I'm not just a photograph.
and beautiful? what does that mean in the end?

I love beauty myself so much that people can end up thinking I'm but vain when they love to hastily sum up my self.

I can be summed up, I can be label, I can be cut through, I can be seen as whatever the fuck people want to see me if it makes them feel good.
I don't give a shit really.

I know there will always be people who can understand and those who cannot enter your garden.

I thought I had to protect myself.
but whatever you see, I am more than this or less than that.
what you see is not me, but what you see of me, the way you look at me.

I also believe that if some people come here and read and enjoy the fact I am feeling sad then good for them, they dragged their asses here, means anyways there's interested.



We don't need your small god
Hell man go on your ego cruise and stop ruining our parade
with the boring ever heard I see through you
Watch yourself in the mirror and don't bother me with the light I lack off
Those who are they a bunch of parasite in my attic
blindfold my eyes
I don't need your crutch
I even walk much better barefeet next to the ravin with my ravens
I don't need to be stappled with your virtual paper wings flattery
why do you spend so much of your time to cut our fineries
why do you spend so much hours mocking our masks
Who knows the vacuity behind your own

****

I also believe that it's not depression that makes the art better.
I believe we are somehow depressed because we are artist, poets, thinker, deep souls and it's just something we can't avoid.
our brain never pauses.
thoughts run faster, moods too, everything is alive, so alive and we can feel and see everything with more acuracy that we express things with depths.

for some it's seen as intelligence, for me it's mostly emotions.
perhaps intelligence of emotions.

Or we just go play the game in the real world and fake it, many people can after , why not I?

I'm gonna feel better soon I know.


the words that goes with this image:

dripping stains what a scene
theatre of dreams of the obscene
Now that I'm dead where do you repose your soul
where do you breathe
Non existent wistful absolute
I am crawling on the walls towards the dissolute

come on you all made of careless paper arms
I had to murder my babies to stop hearing
all the rivers poured for nothing
How could I heal more How could I bleed more

was the food for the dust creatures never enough

I don't want to read that you need to read me
I dont want to live in your book
when I rest my head on these harmful pillows where the dreams never sleep
I nightmare and I scream how much I abhorre

will my sanity keep me walking amongst the blind ghosts
To be able to feel it all in this forest of grins
sordid manor of the chains where we only hear the hands

the clock of my heart is bleeding molasses
in the room next door with the drawn tattered curtains
another one begging for kisses
my soul my hell my vision of the cliffs
my transparent dress of bruises
is it real tell me is this real
are we only this
should we belong to this void

give her another ice lake to escape
speed your infatuated poison in my veins so I can't flee no more

all this cries makes me suffocate and I keep myself warm
to the cold walls of my attic
better off in the dark
better off even stark
Everything's lost even the words
even the sound of her voice
can you scream now
can you peak me now

all the slashes won't disappear
you can cut your head off
threadbare my heart
I am so alone at 00:00

come on you all with the glaring sounds
piercing our ears
oddities of the most melancholic lust
he repeats this is adoration
with her nails on the wallpaper

My eyes in the frame
still lifeless
a well of knots with devouring words
something to make you fall
something to show how unholy I am

there's no glue strong enough to mend your pieces
after my words

my hands on the cover
feeling braille
what the hell do you want
tell me which slice which cell which particules
No doors no bars anymore
it's all for nothing at all
help yourself
eat more than you can
talk your mouthful
of my dearest darkness(...)

**********************

I believe that art will keep on saving my soul and rincing all the stains of emotions I am trying to deal with lately.


Peace & Blessings to you.

French Doll Posse

yes the new tori amos album just inspired me to show you my French Doll Posse.

First and foremost there is Rain,she is linked to the archetype of Etain,irish goddess her names means " poetry or " shining one"she is a moon goddess.

Etain is a symbol of fertility,what I love in her is that she teaches us that wherever we are on Earth or in the depths of the underworld we too can be shining.

She is also linked to the Selene ,goddess of the moon too. She embodies the two extremes of the moon phase,waxing phase into fullness and waxing into darkness.she represents the fullness of life,incorporating all the phases of light and darkness in her shining.

then I I'd say she is close to Pele and Ishtar.
Pele for the vehement temper,the passion,she represents the violent aspects of life ,the fullness of life with nothing halfway,no in between.
she reminds us that even in the midst of fiery eruption there is creation and new life.
and in this Ishtar resonates because she is the creator goddess,her names means "giver of light"she represents the creative feminine,active and strong.

Rain's thoughts:

let's burn our masks or re-create our essence thanks to them in a maelstrom of sweet madness to give life to the unsaid...but stop hiding.
let's spit our dream and truth,pour the nectar of our soul,let us free to exist.
nothing is more painful to me that seeing beauty that is forgotten,denied,damaged,slashed...let's use our breaks,the things that makes us so human and imperfect to create, let's express our shadows instead of concailing our real feelings behind fake smiles that just can't lie that well...
Let's awake our own fire from the depths and be mistress and guardian of our own Spark.










+ old pics of Rain:






Then there is Adah(names of the two women in the Book of genesis, but the word adah can also be found in a hinduist mantra)


""Om Purnam adah, purnam idam, purnat purnam udacyate, purnasya purnamadaya, purnam evavashishyate. Om shanti shanti shanti"

it's also the name of the wife and sister of Cain in the drama by Byron.

Adah means Joy in Hebrew
Yet Adah is rather a soul that reveals the dark side of the moon, she is linked to Hecate & Persephone.
she is the fruit of pain that she refuses to express as a victim. she wants to use her anger in a creative way.

Persephone is the goddess of soul,for it's in the darkness of the underworld(unconcious)that soul is formed.Persephone represents the ability to rule over the aspects of ourselves that are terryfying in the extreme.

Adah is also made of Meduse archetype, she is the greek Gorgone,seen by the greek as an ugly and terryfying woman but the roots of her name comes from medecine and measure and derives from a greek word meaning " to protect to rule over"
Medusa is another moon goddess( like hecate she represents the dark side of the moon)
Medusa has become a symbol of fear ,for to look directly upon the divine is to face a reality that scares us.

Finally Adah is an echo of Hel the norse goddess of the underworld( that generated the word Hell)she is a mother goddess.
Her underworld is rather a place of renewal,rebirth than a place of punishment or misery.
Hel embodies the the divine mystery,a challenge to look behind the masks of appearances to see things the way they are.

Adah's thoughts:


Darkness is everywhere and can't be denied.I see suffering,I empathize. I sometimes feel masochistic looking or listening to others pain because it reaches me.
I pretend I'm angel of the dead, I'm the one who does not forget.
I think about my sisters who have been raped,slained or abused.
darkness gets deep thicker and I remember my strength, I know there is another kind of darkness, a beneficial and healthy one even if it's hard to believe right now for you.
let's not let ourselves be chocked by our fears,we've got to take the power back!
I keep my eyes open, I speak the truth even if it hurts, I know that there is Beauty behind the dark places as I know there is lots of darkness behind beauty.I trust my soul. I follow my heart.
sisters it's time to unite to see behind their masks and this theatrum mundis and target our same enemies.














+ old pics of Adah:





now let's introduce you to Louka Hannah,the delicate one,very stylish and your typical French doll ;)

louka hannah echoes to the archetype of Lady of the lake a mysterious celtic goddess who dwells in water, the source of all life. Lakes represent both the source of creative power and the land of the dead.
This goddess was a giver of life or death( renewal)she was a guide to the mysterious realms of emotion & renewal,a source of immense creativity.she can gives us the energy we need to rule our lives.

Louka hannah is also linked to Diana for the fact this latter one stands for the virgin, a self sufficient,free goddess of women,she is related to all phases of female existence,from infancy to menstruation through birth,nursing,menopause and death.
her personality is also made of pieces of Minerva was a goddess of wisdom and war, an affirmation that we can use our knowledge and wisdom in the pursuit of any goal we choose.

but on top of that Louka hannah finds pieces of her soul In the Roman goddess Venus.
Venus is the goddess of grace and love,she is called aphrodite in greek who personifies both physical and spiritual love.As you might know the story,venus arose naked from the sea,the source of all life(primordial creation)and a symbol of both collective unconscious and eternity.


Louka Hannah's thoughts:

For the sake of Beauty! for the sake of truth!
I want to sip again liquor of poetry can you lick it on my lips,I want to caress these delicacies on your skin map, teach me the words to set us free.
Sister of the two Mary(s) I love purity and passion, I give life I Create...
Freedom,empathy,beauty,truth and love I lull you to sleep with my springtime melodies.
why not getting intoxicated with Beauty?It's all made of it.
They say women are just adorning the world with their pretty smiles but I say that I want to adorn it with creation,with sharing of knowledge,offering wisdom not just enjoying my solitude of art.









old pics of Louka hannah








The fourth doll is Everdeene,a real baby woman doll.
She is part of Bastet or Bast, the egyptian goddess with a cat head.
she is sometimes represented smiling,loving as a protectrice of humanity,musician goddess of joy and birthing.
she is also known for her big tantrums. this way she is represented now with a lioness face and identifies with the ruthless war goddess sekmet.

the charming cat headed goddess is a woman and children protector,she has the magical power to stimulate love and the flesh energy.

Bastet is a two side character,with great opposites,sweet and cruel she is as attractive as dangerous.
she is also the symbol of feminity,home protector and the goddess of maternity.

Everdeene is also pieces of the archetypes of Artemis and thetis.
Artemis for the symbol of feminine independence.she is a goddess that heals and appeases.
as for thetis, she is often portrayed as a nereid( sea nymph).she is a shape shifter and a goddess who enjoys life's pleasures.

Everdeene's thoughts:

profusion of sugar & overdose of sugar.Ageless soul I feed myself with sweet madness.
The same bores me.
I flee.
I get away from you if you cannot re-invente a spiritual realm, I run away if you don't know spontaneity.these tiny swirls of fairy laughters,the delicious & ambigous tastes of the loves that inspire me & make me sighs scents of whimsical romantic stories.
rub me on the right side I am your gentle feline friend,judge me,reduce me and you'll see that the cute and sweet pussy has turned into a wild cat.







old photos de Everdeene:





and these could show her sekmet aspect:






and finally Helenina of course.
she is made of Inanna the sumerian mother goddess.powerful,self sufficient,passionate & many sided,she is the fertility godddess.Inanna is a representation of the many facets that go into being feminine as well as a guide into the dark places of
psychological and spiritual death and disintegration.

then she finds herself in the goddess like Demeter and mortal woman Psyche.

Demeter for the mother goddess aspect. Demeter offers a blessing of fruitfulness and possibility,of coming joy,of abundant life and of hope.
Demeter is remembered primarily for her great love for her daughter persephone.
Psyche for the fact she represents the growth of an innocent woman to a mature goddess,she reminds us that the process of life takes us into dark place as well as light,just as the butterfly emerges from the dark chrysalis into the light.

Helenina's thoughts:

Evolution...we don't create for everything has already existed in another way.
I am a mother of word, a mother of paintings, I co exist and co-create with the muses with my soul sisters in a world made of art.
Fairy and marvelous is a path of my life.
I have to be the sharer, the witch of light,the teacher to the sparkly alleys and to show the power of positive energies.
Emotions are welcome, this is but a cycle of life and death,we'll always and never be the same.












anciennes photos de Helenina:






Edit: knowledge about mythologies found at wikipedia ( for I dont know it all by heart I am always discovering more and more) and thanks to my goddess knowledge cards by susan boulet)

well girls, wanna share with me your own posse?
tell me which one is closer to your own personality?who is your favourite etc?
I'll be eager and excited to see your own doll posse if you want to share:)

Blessed be!