Fairy kittens tale of the end of the year 2009

So today is Sébastien's birthday.
27.(and yes I'm turning 31 in March)

He's been treated a lot this year for xmas and his birthday:) so he's happy.
I haven't had much gifts myself but either I want many things or can't think of what I want so I feel I want nothing, I have all the most important I need.
I am blessed with being alive:)and loved

I bought him a beautiful shirt and a fun t shirt with a skull made of stars and pacman ghosts :)really cool!
he also got two wii games, so tonight we're gonna play Mario ^____^ and remember our childhood!

I have never been a video game players except during childhood and early teen age:)
but the wii is really fun!



Yesterday seb was on his way to the station to go to visit his grandma and uncle but he made a touching encounter so he was a bit perplexe.
What to do now?
So he phoned me, telling me he found two stray kitties cuddling near the road which obviously could be dangerous for baby cats.

I was for once a wee bit hesitating, I am pregnant oh! I cannot deal with kittens now!
but I react as I always do with abandonned kittens :Take them home!

So he missed his train and came back home with adorable kittens that he held in his arms like the father cat he is =^-^=
That was so adorable :)

My man is definetly ready to be a lovely dad!
I adore him!
So I put gloves and watched them in the sink.
The grey she kitty was not reassured at all, she was all trembling , how cute and moving!
Then I dried them in towels that of course we then throw to the bin.
We prepared everything in our bathroom for them to have a little home,not really knowing how we were going to sort things out with them and find them a place to call home.

But I put ads, hoping some good souls would be kind enough to welcome them.

After the bath we fed them, seb went to buy some kitten food, they were so skinny and they ate like they hadn't eaten for ages!
poor babies!

Then seb went to his grandma to tell his end of year fairy kitten tale :)

It's very funny but we often rescue kitties from the streets in winter time. It's the third time it happens.
It's always so moving and whatever you give to those creatures you feel filled with so much more.
I can't explain, you have to be a cat lovers to understand how these creatures can give so much and make you feel more human, they open your heart even more :)

In the afternoon I played with them.
Of course I put gloves again.
We had a lovely times even if our bathroom is rather small.
I loved their little meeewwing so kawaii ^_^


I fell in love with him, the joker ^____^ he was so like Felix le chat, too crazy and cute, surely an adorable pain ;) ahah
he needed some education so I played mother cat :)

Ha! we really have a deal with Bastet, we always keep on eyes on her babies when they need some loving.

But surely seb and I were cats in other existences, for me it's sure :o)
I adore milk ,shrimps and salmond :o)and cuddles!
oh and doing nothing! ;) Yes!

In a Zen book it's called the art of enjoying boredom, something like that.
To just enjoy doing nothing, resting,meditating, being in a frozen moment,it's very important to be able to do that now and then.

People who cannot stay quiet and immovable for a moment have a certain problem ,it's like a kind of nervosity or stress.
I know my mom has a hard time staying sit down and doing nothing, when she's at home she always do the cleaning , the washing up etc or else she gets bored!
That's a bit stressful at time, but now I know that, I can always think of a chore for her (kidding a bit)
I love her, I just phoned her this morning to tell her the news.
They might come to visit us in the beginning of january, let's hope:)

Last night of course I got a sort of anxiety crisis in the night.
I was very stressed with the kitten not knowing what we were going to do with them.
We already have a big cat and as I'm giving birth to another kind of kitten in March,it's really not the good timing :)

I would have had enough love for the black and white one but really it was not sensible.

the kitten this morning on the balcony:)

This morning I got two answers for the stray kitten, my prayers had been heard! :)

Of course I then enjoyed even more the little time to have them here to cuddle and play:)
The woman came in the afternoon and took them.
She seemed caring and responsible which is the most important so we are not too worried and she came with her two young kids so it was reassuring.

There is still a lot of Good souls in this world, the good in people is not something that's rare to be found, if we open our eyes we can see.
It's always something quite reassuring to me, it brings even more Glowing electric light to the Xmas Hope I was blogging about in my previous post.


It's a beautiful way to end this year 2009, to give back the love we've been given.
To share what we are blessed to have.

Of course I cried like a baby when the woman left with the kitten!
Give me not even 48hours with stray kitten and I get attached ;)

well I am also pregnant and naturally emotional.
Ha!
we'll have a kitten later.
We already have an adorable Takun and a lovely sugarplum fairy to be born in March, what more to ask?
Life is beautiful.

Better.
Like I said once, Life is beautiful because it makes you cry.
It makes you feel.So alive.

All these emotions are divine, make us so connected to humanity and aware of all the good and beauty down here.

Of course whenever we do this I cannot help thinking that there are men and women "abandonne" in the streets too and it's a pity not to do much for them.

When we did the shopping we bought some food for a charity that helps the needy.

But when you see a person with no home living in the street, you never really know what to do.
You cannot obviously do the easy things like for kitten.
Of course you can still buy them some food if they are not reluctant to accept it, I often am just too ill at ease to dare approach them.
It's a pity.
Anyways I am realistic ,it's not easy to help everyone.
There will always be people in need.

It keeps making us more empathetic and maybe more aware of the luck that we have a home, food and all.
We cannot take our blessings even how small they can be for granted.
We are the lucky one.

So this is how 2009 will end for us.
We're gonna make a nice meal tonight, play all our new games on the wii and watch a nice dreamworks or pixar movies as we are addicted to them and got some of them for xmas!
We loved là haut(up in English) it was a really moving movie, in fact I just cried during the first minutes of the movie,yes I am emotional like this, but the love story was adorable, and the woman miscarried so I could also remember this pain and also be aware of my blissings.
Seb was moved too.

We watched another movie some weeks ago and there was a miscarriage too and I loved how he held my hands.
I was fine, I did not cry, we are having a baby girl ,we live in present time :)because it's gift!

Also I have seen so many couple breaking up,divorcing or having trouble in this end of the year so I am even more aware of what we have ,that we have to entertain ,preserve and keep on making bloom :)

It's really not easy at all to be a balanced couple in bloom,it takes ages,many years, quarells, lack of understanding,lots of grief too, mistakes...Life is not all roses!
Really I could write a book on the subject but gosh I would not know where to begin.
But even if I'm not an expert I've had my share of couple problems unhappiness, that's why I am really not afraid or guilty to express my happiness now!

I do not know what life has planned in the future, we live one day at a time, making the best of it!

I do believe that with true love both side and good communication,both sides have to say what they expect from their partner and get closer to the love they need, because it's so unhealthy and makes you grow sad and bitter like incomplete in your soul if you accept to feel unloved,it takes also some compromises but no sacrifice, you can be together forever,you can save your couple and make it be healthy, happy , we all can have like another honeymoon , trully!

This morning I had a dream my parents were divorcing, I was so sad.
Of course it was just a bad dream and in it I was aware of my luck to still have my parents together after all these years!
Of course they do quarrel and all, sometimes it's boring to see that ^_^ but I guess if there was no love and no common points no shared passion they would not be together after all this time :)

Wherever you are in your life right now, count your blessings don't focuse on your lacks, think of your hopes dreams and wishes, all the good things you crave to have visualise them as if they were here and now!
It's a good feeling and it helps making things happen more quickly.
We definetly need a good will, an open mind and heart and a daring soul to get the things we want in this life!

I remember in the past how my bitterness and cowardice got me stuck.
That's another living proof on how we can improve and evolve our human being just because our spirit is strong and can always learn, think different and so forth.

So well, everyone I am wishing you a nice end of the year, remember you are loved even if you cannot see or feel it now and like everyone else in this world you have things to give, to share, reasons to be there, so don't give up!

Keep wishing and dreaming!
Call your dreams across the oceans, they will reach you if you don't lose your hopes!
Don't remain in the thinking whatever you think, live in actions, reality, concrete matters.
Here & Now.

Enjoy the small details.Make your life begin now!Make your soul rebirth in 2010!

Bring on the Positive vibes!
Decide!
Don't live in martyr, dare to say no when enough is enough!
Dare to ask for help when needed!
Dare to open your heart, trust others & dare to love !
Dare to be selfish now and then, don't carry your loved ones sorrow, don't be the savior, the crutch, the sewer of their heart pieces to mend...it's wonderful to have empathy,it's beautiful to help and listen, but some people sacrifice themselves and get used and abused by that kind of situation, they end up being some kind of savior whereas they also need to be saved somehow, to feel loved, to receive too.

We can be good friends good listeners but sometimes it's alright sane and right to say enough and protect oneself!
It's not your mission or load to take, it's theirs.

We all are responsible for our actions.

I have been there several years ago.
Living in self neglection is no good for your health and balance.
A healthy life is made of give and take.
Open your self to that!
Make a change happen!






I want to end with some music:
Harps of gold

snow angel

I don't love all the songs of this new tori amos album, but those songs are beautiful,calm and apeasing.


I am not religious but I love this catholic quote, whoever is your God or whatever is your faith, may you be blessed in 2010!


Glōria in excelsīs Deō, et in terrā pāx hominibus bonae voluntātis.

The meaning of xmas

I think xmas reminds me childhood and reconnect me to thousands of lovely memories.
Then during teenage time xmas became difficult because you lose hopes, you feel disappointed in many things, you feel lonely.


I remember also the exotic kind of xmas we would celebrate as my grandma on my mother's side was vietnamese, so it was very original and delicious.

Oh and the magic of the ritual of opening our gifts around midnight!
What was fantastic for us was the fact that in the morning we would again have some gift

Mostly as a teen all I wanted for xmas was true love, a boyfriend,some passion to hold me in the dark of my little heart, I was such a melancholic girl!
I used to envy all my friends having this special love in their life and me just dreaming of it and watching those romantic xmas movies and sipping on hot chocolate to cheer me up.

I remember the xmas of my 15 years old I told myself okay let's be nice this time and pretend and not be another killjoy...so I tried to party and enjoy myself but I remember the loneliness of my heart.
It's a pity at that time not to be already grateful for what we have, a family, good food ,a warm home decorated and gifts :)

Yet Love has always been my essential.My torment.My dream.

Xmas finally meant childhood, family and good meal.
We always celebrated the pagan xmas, we were not religious but we still would put a xmas crib with the little jesus, all the sheep(my favourite) and Marie, Joseph and the others.
I would play with those little characters as a child:)
Maybe reinventing the stories!
I cared much more about the sheep and the little jesus!

I loved the decoration of xmas and the holiday, my mom cooking delicious things for us.

After some years of boycotting xmas and making my funeral face during the parties, oh even the first years with sebastien, especially when we had to celebrate at his family's just because for some years the contact with them was not easy at all.
Maybe because to me they did not take our story seriously and perhaps the fact they thought I was too old for sebastien, who knows?
I think I could not enjoy xmas because I always wanted more.

Time passes, everything evolves and changes.

But the first xmas in the mountain we spent in 2001 was amazing.I have so many wonderful memories of this time!
We were very lucky to be there just the two of us under lots of snow.

Xmas always make me want to see the snow!
And this year again we've been lucky enough to have some snow here, it was lovely and so apeasing!

I can now imagine the first time we'll go to the mountain with your daughter, but it'll be in some years now, it's better to wait till she can learn how to skii!
It's so cute to see those 3 years old kids on skiis :)

But honestly I am not eager of time to pass now.
I will enjoy every smile, every season, deeper,with more awareness of everything.

Sometimes people stress the fact that our life is gonna change drastically with a child but that's what I'm waiting for!
I wanted and needed a change, a life more organised, structured etc!
For many years I have had such a big freedom, so much time on my hands.
I have not always done the best of it in the first years, I am completely ready for another kind of life.

I have not been working outside for about 6 years. I have during all these years been able to sleep as much as I wanted in the morning( except during the time I had apointments or when I studied again in 2005)of course not everything was wonderful, I had insomnia, anxiety disorder,depression, suffered from feeling so useless, unemployed and so forth.
Also I was very lonely at times, I also felt some kind of void, this huge lack of my biggest dream : to have a family.

But I had time to become the artist I am, to learn,to love, to give, to heal myself a lot, to find a kind of inner peace, to be more balanced and aware of the things I wanted and needed in my life.

I don't regret a thing.

I think I have had many years of silence, being alone at home, luckily in late 2004 our Takun =^_^= arrived and really it did change my life!



In my heart I have always been ready to be a mother!
But maybe my life was not stable enough.
Whatever.
Better late than never!

I can now imagine xmas differently from another point of view.
I am now at peace in my life heart and soul and xmas means Family and good meal and of course one of the most important thing : Hope.

Hope for tomorrow.
Hope for our loved ones.
Hope for our planet.
Hope in humanity.

I love that spirit of xmas, when we open our heart to others, we forgive or try to forgive... it is not always easy to forgive when some anger lies under something we cannot explain to ourselves, so somehow for us it's better to reject and not forgive.
I don't know.

Xmas makes me want to offer to others, to make them happy.
I have sent more xmas card this year, surely not much the past years.

We spent a lovely xmas meal with seb's mom and her man.
Seb and I cooked together like chefs! ^___^

Now I am looking forward to the 31 just because it's sebastien's birthday!

Hope everyone's got a lovely xmas time and even if you were lonely on that day or that things were not that great for you along this year, xmas is the time to renew ones hopes and make some wishes so that next year it's closer to what you want your life to be!
We are the actors of our life we can make the change we want to see happen, it just takes some good will, patience of course and one of the key of a happier life : positive thinking!
something that took me years to learn.

And when you are happy keep on entertaining and feeding these blessings, live with awareness!


and here is my first book published in French, it's made of kind of fairy/poetic tales and stories, it's made of expression and imagination, sometimes real spiritual and from the heart and sometimes totally twisted, weird,going everywhere just like my personality, always in between two waters :)


To buy my new book
www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/1110233

The profit will go to the charity I am supporting Enfance Nepal au touvet.
So thank you so much for wanting to read me and encouraging my hard work from the heart for the children in Nepal!






Open your arms and heart more often


dare to trust, dare to love, dare to live as much as you can before it's too late

Blessed be everyone!keep enjoying your holiday!

Entering the Last Trimester!I can't believe this wow :)

Finally right now it seems it went by so fast, in spite of the pain and fatigue ,but still have the last trimester to do which is often said to be the worse one because we get impatient and less and less sleep!

But I am handling it. I must say I feel really good today.
I feel Huge,Heavy and have got such a beautiful way to walk now ^___^;;
Anyways I hardly go out right now, just to go down the stairs would make me all out of breath!;)

It's really cold outside now anyways and I really don't want to get sick.
On saturday we're seeing the gyno for the monthly appointment.
Always hoping everything's fine:)
But it seems that everything is fine as she is moving a lot and keep puting on weight:)

I am entering the 7th month of pregnancy and the last trimester, it's wonderful!
And soon next week sebastien will have some holidays so we can have some good time together, comfortable in the warmth of our home, finishing to decorate our daughter's room to make it look more like a baby's room :)

I am very happy also because lately I have met two young mothers( one to be) and one with a newborn, so I am making friends in real life, girls who can relate and share with me.
I am very glad to get to know them, we have lots in common and we will be able next year to go out with our babies, take pictures, do any kind of activities together.
I am looking forward to this!

I am aware that 2010 many of my dreams will come true and this is so exciting!
the more we come closer to March the more excited I am going to be!!!
^______^
Dear God, I feel I have been waiting for this moment my whole life!

and I am going to be a stay at home mom, at least for the first years, we'll see how things go later.
But my closest friends and most people who know me are aware that it was my dream, to be there for my children, not to miss a thing, to take good care of my family.
I am definetly an indoor kitty =^_^=
but I also love to hang out in the nature of course and with my baby I will do that a lot.
It's another thing that will change in my life.
I will be more balance with going out and staying home with some self time too.
I used to be such a recluse artist!

I have lived so many years inside, and it taught me a lot of course but I know part of me wanted to go outside, that's also why I have spread myself so thin to too many people, I know I have a lot to offer and share and now I am going to do this in a healthy way :)

I am also very glad because sebastien is building a website for our daughter :)
It's going to be really lovely and so kawaii, exactly what I love!
I hope we'll find time to update it now and then!
I guess I'll be able to update it with the thousands pictures I am going to take of my baby girl...

I am on cloud nine and even higher, sometimes I even feel ill at ease to share my excitement, my wonder, my enthusiasm because I know what naysayers can think or say,but who cares?
The important is to enjoy this here and now!

and I am quite sure a lot of my friends derive joy from mine as I do from them, or even can feel so very sad when they hurt too.

Sebastien is helping me a lot and I am so grateful for this, because at this time I really have to be careful, baby has to stay inside till at least the end of February.

In two months from now she can come out whenever she likes, but it would be better in the beginning of March :)

Anyways my arms are wide open and ready to give her so many hugs and so much love!
ha!

Ha there is something I don't like at all it's when she seems to have the hiccup, this repetitive movement is a bit unpleasant and stressful... I always wonder is she okay?





I keep loving to "ruin",destroy pictures with textures that make them look blurier, vintage or just used you know.
it gives a fragile atmosphere , the emotion behind imperfection,that's what I like!




my belly is bigger now but on the front we cannot see it that much!
but I love the purity and tenderness of these pictures!











I would love to do a photoshoot of my pregnancy with sebastien,maybe we'll do this during the holidays but really have so many things to do that it won't be the priority!
we really have things to tidy,fix, put curtains, decorate the apartment etc
I am tired of the white walls, I want some posters etc

*****



I also wanted to take the time to answer my own questions from my other blog to share my thoughts and how I see and live things now


1)How are you connected to your own spirituality?Do you take some time to think about your reasons to be there, your life purpose?
are you in touch with divine messages you could receive through your dreams,signs in your daily life and do you take time to interprete them and find the guidance you need through them?

Of course I am deeply connected to my own spirituality,but it does not mean I am living on spiritual mod all the time, I can still just let go, have my vain moments and live in the more practical things of life.
i guess it's a question of balance.
I mean if I were to become only a stay at home mom with severing the spiritual and artistic part of my life I would not be happy and balanced.
We cannot be cut , once we know that we do the thing we need to find a balance to sort of do it all :)

What? I sound idealistic?
I am definetly a realistic dreamer ;)
When there's a will there's a way, and it's much better to find ways to get a better organisation of one's life instead of forever complaining about the lack of this and that, that's way too sad, why live this way forever?what's the point?
naysayers will say find me a solution if you think it's so easy.

I never said it was easy, but I have seen many happy stay at home mom who were still creative spiritual and in bloom in every aspect of their life.
Anything is possible!

Even if some day we feel upset because we could not do all the things we wanted, well the best is to prioritize.
The essential.

I am more and more aware of my life purpose.
I live with this awareness of all the possibilities,it helps me expand my mind and liberate my spirit, it allows me to believe in some kind of freedom.

And I have a thousands reasons to be there!
So many things to be grateful in my life!
I am always looking forward, life keeps on getting better.
I do believe the fact I think positive helps a lot in the way my life has changed for the best!

Law of attraction!

And yes I am finding guidance in the divine messages I get through dreams,signs, little things that happen that we call coincidences, I believe things happen for a reason.
We can really learn so much about ourselves while listening to what our dreams or nightmares say at night.
It's like when you're on a bad day and you just turn on the tv or radio and there is a song with words that can comfort you or make you think further.
signs are everywhere to be found if we keep our eyes open.

Also when we meet strangers and have a deep conversation with them, this short sharing can be meaningful.



2)How do you feel inside right now?
What is at this precise time your essential?What are you living for? what makes you want to wake up in the morning?
if you lack of reasons to wake up in the morning how can you improve that?
Can you find the present blessings in your situation at the moment?


Well I feel many things, but the most is made of excitement!
I want to open my xmas gifts:))) like a child ^_____^
I want to treat my loved ones and see their smile or know they were pleased with what I found for them:)
I enjoy simple things, inviting friends at home to talk and have some tea, reading, watching a good desperate housewives ^_^ with my love!
Cooking for friends:)chatting with friendly women in pregnancy forums and sharing our good or bad days,writing letters...

I am glad this year is ending taking away all the ends the sorrows the things that taught us and made us grow so we can begin anew!
I am very happy with the way things are, I enjoy the moment even if I am so impatient!I wont ever take a moment of my daughter's life for granted!
This will be preciousssss ;)

I believe we are human, even if we dont want to age and run after time, we all can feel eager when something like this , giving birth to our first child is going to happen, it's amazing!

My essential is my family!the people I care about, my friends too.
I am living for all the thing I love and want to share!

I wake up in the morning complaining most of the time ahah because of the pregnancy!
I wake up very early around 6 O' clock sometimes earlier when I ache too much and cannot stay in bed.
But most of the time I feel good, I am glad to see my sweetheart to be able to spend more time with him( I wasn't a morning person so before he used to wake up alone and have breakfast alone and go to work in the cold) it is much better now, to have this moment,to share our dreams, to talk about Nina etc.


3)Do you have a clear and honest inner communication?do you kindly take the time to listen to your self as you would do with your own best friend?
Do you take the time to "give kind comments/compliments" to your self like you would do to your own best friend?
Can you listen and apply the advice you would take the time to kindly give to your own best friend?

Yes I try my best to listen to what's inside and even more now that I am pregnant, somehow I am communicating also with my daughter, we are so linked at this moment!
So I try to see where the emotions I feel come from, for instance the mood swings, suddenly I feel depressed and lonely and I have to just welcome the emotions and let go and be aware that it's just a moment,it's the fatigue and the pregnancy.
Nothing to worry about.
Most of the time I end up feeling better by the end of the day or the next day!

I often used to live in a too self neglected way listening and caring about others before myself, my own emotions etc
Now I listen to myself like I would for another person.
I always love to listen to others and be able to have the words that can solace them, I know now that I can also do this with me.
I just have to put some distance and I end up finding the words I need to hear :)
It's good to be in a gentle touch with oneself so much more healthy!

We can see in community or forum of depressive people , a lot of them being able to cheer up the others and they cannot give themselves the same words and advice that's such a pity!
I used to be there.
I listened to others and was very depressed at times.
Finally all I needed was to know the healer needs healing too at times, and we can be both!

As the teacher keeps being taught, by others, the world, other teachers, the universe, life and so forth.

I was so bad at applying my own advice and I know now how hypocrite it can be and that's such a way to betray one's thinking and also to not to be true to oneself.
it is not easy to always be in the positive thinking and to have the words, it's normal to need to complain, feel sorry for oneself but it's important to stop before we get stuck in some kind of survival mod, we cannot fake things or we just end up abandonning ourselves, such a sad thing!
And I am not judging people saying so, it's just something sad to see people wasting time when life is so short.
Sometimes they need reminders like a death around them to react ,a shocking things to bear in mind that it's very important to make the best of the time we have now.


Life is big, life is now and whatever you want can begin now if you decide, just with you making some kind of contract with yourself and go for it, go where you want to go,one day at a time!

December is already there can't believe a whole year is ending so soon!

okay that might be totally silly but nevermind :)
it's only some kind of pregnancy craving:)

so I would like Kellogg's Fruit Loops Breakfast Cereal
There have discontinued the selling of those cereals in France, I used to eat them when I was around 14 years old and really it's a craving I have these days ^___^
I sometimes have the feeling I have some cravings link to my childhood:)but nothing too weird!

so if anyone from the USA or maybe UK? can buy some for me and tell me how much it would cost with the shipping cost( economic preferrably) I would be really happy(laughing)and would pay you via paypal:))

I am trying to find some on internet but there shipping cost is always so much and also the price of the cereals it becomes a luxury!

Except from this childish craving I am doing fine eating chocolate clusters cereals(laughing)
really this week I am having a new wave of fatigue, but it's because the nights are not fun, I wake up in the middle of the night with pain in my hip and elbow and sometimes baby is moving and kicking and Goddess knows why I suddenly feel hungry.

ah well better wait before trying my wii balance board to know my new weight
it's funny somehow because I never put on weight.

I have been painting, yes! it's been a while!


it really demands much energy and concentration and sometimes I just want not to think too much. It's much easier to play with photoshop and pictures.
Of course for this I also have to think, but I can try and test and always erase change the thing, whereas painting you have to be careful of every steps even if it does not have to be perfect, when you know what you want, you just go slowly.

Oh Goddess! I could just lie on the couch with a bowl of desired froot loops before some tv show:))

I am so spiritual today.ahah.


that painting might be used for a book project I have in mind, I should begin to work on this soon, but yes definetly not today.

I began another book this week, a book of photography and perhaps including some poems of mine too,I think it's gonna be a big book but somehow I wonder if I should wait to publish it because I have other things to include in it, I am not sure, I will see what I decide.

I can begin to publish another book of photography, the thing is that I hardly can publish a book of photos only.
Because many of my pictures have poems linked to them, because what I do is phoetry, and of course pictures talk a lot and sometimes maybe they dont need words, but they do inspire me words, they make me want to speak and take the viewer inside the landscape ,to visit a part of my soul garden or just go dream ,find back something they have lost, memories and such...

I think it would be frustrating for me,to publish a book of pictures and let the poems die away in the shadows because I am quite sure one of my biggest need with books is to be read, one of my biggest desire with photos is to share messages, poems, thoughts,words yes my beloved ones , words have always been my greatest friends from how far I can remember.



I was thinking of my daughter while painting that.
I don't think she'll have blue hair,but I love to imagine fairy birds sending her blessings over her cradle:)
and in her heart her daddy ^___^
it's a special picture I have included in this.
It's a picture I did of sebastien on the beach while he was taking a picture of the sea.
It was during my first pregnancy.
and somehow it talks about the long road of emotions till I finally meet my daughter:)
and I love the symbol of sebastien looking at the horizon on the sea, this infinite and keeping a picture of this time made of hopes.

ah today I'm always on the verge of fainting,it's really not much fun.
and I did have two naps,one in the morning and one after lunch.



I am still lucky to have my art, imagination and creativity, to make something good of this pregnancy, to find ways to enjoy it, to remember it, to be grateful for it, and make it "pretty" when in real it's not that pretty!

and this belly often looks charming and not so huge on picture, when in the mirror it's like oh my????is this me still?
It's so strange!

and I looked at old pictures of me taken by sebastien, I was so thin, such a flat tummy.

But I also found some older nude pictures of me and really I had a strange impression that I was way too thin, like a baby woman body!
It's really still surprising that men could have found me desirable, attractive with such a thin body!
It's funny how we can see ourselves!

Not that I didn t love my body, I love thin very much :)
but I prefer to be rounder and more woman like.
I would never be like women who wants to look like teens and wear a size zero!
that's ridiculous!

It's better and healthier to accept the evolution in our woman's life and to live with it:)


It's just amazing how time flies and we change and also dont think we have changed this much.
I also found pictures of me at the age of 16 and I thought really I had the same attitude though I am a better model now (laughing), it was funny the way I used to pose like a poser, it was like overacting ^___^;;
ah and I never found myself pretty and was so self concious, God knows why I loved modeling and photos so much, maybe it was a way to love myself and get some confidence?

It was something fun with my girl friends at that time.
I had many photo shoot with friends during adolescence.



my creativity is bursting,it's really coming back to me in spite of the fatigue
it's as if the inner muses were kicking from the inside just like N.J ;)
It's my soul fighting with a wreckish body:)


I have several book ideas and projects, paintings too,and I created a new blog.





I like this self very much because I do believe we can all be constantly between light and darkness, our emotions, the way we live, our dreams,our past, our future, our hopes , our behaviours,our beauties and vices and so forth...

my new blog is here

I am really eager to begin with it always hoping to reach out, make a difference and help others a way or another:)
so many people have helped and inspired me in my life that I always feel like giving it all back and even more.
It has to be this way constantly, to pass on the light, the energy...
yeah I am a zombie with energy, see how my soul want to keep on speaking, making art and sharing...I am handling things :)

I am even sure I will handle everything when the baby is there.
I will be worried of course, I will need a time of adaptation to get organised with everything.
I wont paint as much, I wont take pictures as much maybe, but I know I will keep on having each of my sides, because this is how you are balanced and healthy and in bloom in your existence as a human being.
when you sever a side of your self just out of sacrifice or because of wrong reasons, excuses and such well you're just then responsible for the frustration, sadness,and other negative emotions you may feel but this will see more in my other blog for sure:)))


this is a self of a friend I have edited and it inspired me a poem when I was listening to Bells for her by tori amos.

I so love this song!moving!
******


We knew we'd reach some kind of closure
She and I would never more weave fireflies
we knew the last words
It was a wintery grave for a long time
But none of us dared to say a word
We let that silence of death say it all for us
It was not too late
it was nobody's fault
Maybe we were worn out empty pockets of time
With a constant jet lag and dots in the wavelength
And maybe I was never able to swallow her stagnant blood
She would never break a door neither a window
I could not be her voice
How many more years of listening helpless the things that I cannot change
I was ridiculous with my "if I were you"
speck of dust to the wind
I have tried to be a good friend maybe I was none
but we just could not pretend anymore that we adore(...)



It's december! can you believe it!
and though I have mood swings due to pregnancy I really did not have a true S.A.D like I used to.
I believe my daughter already makes me oh so happy from the inside:)
well when she moves so much as if she wants out already it's not fun :P

right now she seems a bit quiet, maybe she is sleeping:)
How much I will love to look at her sleeping like an angel:)

I was looking at pictures of me with my younger brother the one I dont consider my brother anymore for what he did to us, to the family when he was a young child and all along the years.
I am quite aware bearing grudges is no good and I am not bearing a grudge here,for somehow I don't hate him, I hate to hate anyways.
I just do not have any kind of love/affection for him.
But when I look at how I was motherly to him, on pictures he's often with me, I am hugging him, holding him in my arms.

I can remember how much I loved him and to see these pictures reassured me on how I am going to be as a mother to my daughter.
I know I will be caring, careful, loving and really devoted.
I will do everything for her, I will never ever neglect her and Mother time will always come first.
I will still be an artist and do all the things I love but I will include my family, my children in every aspect of my life, because they are a part of it and it cannot be severed.

I have met so many people who first of all shared the negative aspects, the drawbacks of having kids and this always saddened me because to me it is a true blessings and I am quite sure I wont change my mind on this ever!
Of course there will be tiring days, of course sometimes I will be bored, cross and lose patience, it's just human:)

But I am already oh so grateful to be finally able to create my family.
People always find a good excuses in kids not to do all the things they could for themselves.
I will talk about this in my other blog about how we have to give ourselves some soul time so self time to be balanced or else we just go towards a wall.

and though it may be the crisis, and though there is a lot of unemployment, and we lack of money and we are busy, and we have a huge to do list and we keep on adding things every day well I believe sometimes it is good to say ENOUGH!
and have a breather!

what's the point in killing oneself under useless stress?
what matters? what is the essential?
oh well.



Maybe I should begin my sharing on Awakening the inner source with this, the cleansing of chakra the balance.
but this will have to wait till tomorrow morning I guess, I just need to rest right now, my body is telling me.

I am feeling good.
I have a huge wishlist of books I want for xmas, while my love has begun his xmas list for santa claus of wii video games ahah ;)
ah boys will be boys, anyways I would love to play to the Mario bross one, it will remind me childhood:)
and these days , being pregnant connect me deeply to each part of my childhood, many memories coming to my head and yesterday ,tidying I found some old records,not cds small records, of my favourite cartoons, the fraggle rocks and such!
it was funny, too bad we dont have a record player, but maybe I can use them as object to decorate the bedroom, I will see how it can work:) to give a vintage vibe to it and also some memories of my own childhood:))

I am so glad that I have been able to keep all these things from childhood, some of my barbie dolls, my fav childhood books, these are things I want to share with my daughter.

well I am chatty today:)

Hopefully there will be more paintings to show next week:)
the bedroom is more and more tidied:) yes incredible!!!
I am so impatient to decorate it!

we are waiting for the sales in January to buy all the baby things we still need to buy, hope everything will be fine.
I was thinking that it might not be so much fun to go shopping in January, with crowded shops and all.
I have already a hard time in shops now, I am dragging my body,it's pathetic!

I am thinking about going to the hairdresser on saturday while sebastien go errands ;)
hey HE CAN DRIVE NOW ^___________^woooh oooh
Thank you Nicolas!!!!

He's lucky to have a great friend who helped him learn back all the basics and now he feels more confident so it's great!
especially because of my belly now its less and less comfortable to drive, and I have to keep the seatbelt not too close to my belly, it's annoying!

I want to sacrifice my hair,a change and also it's much more practical and when I'll be in the labour room I wont have my hair in my face bothering me!
Also it will do me good to take care of myself and have someone take care of me, its always relaxing!

I should have written the days I did not feel tired! because it's true in between I do have days of energy, I could not run a sprint but I can do things and dont feel sleepy all the time:)

right now I am so tired I could not go downstairs to get the mail,hope to have some!
it's always lovely to receive real letters!

We've decorate for xmas and we bought a lovely xmas tree that scent like in my childhood, I loved this!
it really brings a lovely atmosphere in our living room:)
it makes me feel like a little girl again!

I so want xmas gift to open on the 25 in the morning under the xmas tree!!! oh Yes!!!
:)))
Our best xmas gift is on the way ,it will also be a re-birthday gift in March, how lovely!

and it will come soon now!
december is getting ready for all celebrations.
january last u/s and first maternity visit with the midwife etc.
february the birth class, not sure if I will go to each of them, I will see.
It depends if seb can drive me there and come with me
I just want to go there to know about the breathing techniques for the rest I have read so much on each subjected that I can be tested anytime ;))

it does not mean I will a pro at breastfeeding but I know how it should work and I will do my best for it to go well.
I know there are people to talk to get help with this anyways so I wont give up.
I am not too worried, in fact I take one thing at a time and I dont want to get stress before anything happened.
I want to keep this new serenity to handle everything.

if you have some money for xmas ,feel free to offer this book to friends of yours who loves photography and want new inspiration:))



Blessings and light

The up and downs of the end of the second trimester

I'm in the 6th month of pregnancy and so upset that the second trimester was not like they say everywhere better in every way...
The more it goes the more tired I feel and it's even hard to walk...

We went to the gyno for another u/s


at least we got this time a picture of her lovely profile.
It's always moving and everytime I only think about my love for her I have tears in my eyes.

The baby is rather low and the way she said so did not reassured me so much...
she really said that now I really have to rest.
Of course everything is fine with me and the baby, but the fact the baby is low and the head looks down already, it's like she is ready to flip down and eager to meet us ahah!

I just needed to cry after the apointment
I was all worried and unable to think positive.
Thank goddess sebastien can do this for us.
I must say that I hardly sleep at night and Goddess knows why I took about 2kg in two weeks, out of the bue!
I am not eating like a pig at all, I am eating healthy and am being careful with all sugary things.

It's not easy for me to just put on weight like this, slowly is right but suddenly no way cuz I worry it's not good for the baby either.
So I am trying not to eat in the night anymore but sometimes I am just so hungry.

I also have anemia which is mild for now so I keep my finger crossed it wont get much worse.

I so envy the beautiful pregnant women who feel just fine euphoric and full of energy!
When my sister said it was one of the best time in her life, oh my!
I would not say it was the worse but it's really so exhausting and physical and weird too.

I feel a little sad not to have a great and easy pregnancy.

but I did a virtual babyshower and the little gift truly made me my day and cheered me up!


It's so adorable!
I am beginning to fill the drawers with girl clothes finally, it makes me smile and makes me feel so eager to see my baby.

This weekend was again so busy, not time to tidy so much.
errands, seb's father visit and then on sunday we went to eat at our friends where we live!
and it was un diner presque parfait ^___^
we had a real nice time.

It's really something great in our life now to have a couple of friends to meet and invite for lunch.

******
last week was very draining with too much lack of sleep at night and feeling bored in the day unable to do things,tidy and all...feeling so diminished in a way!

But anyways, my gyno said REST I have to be sensible and rest, it just sounds boring!

Last week I discovered that singer: Polly scattergood, I love her name, Polly how cute!


Bitter teeth and the wind in my hair
Twister bits of summer in my lonely box
22 novembers too many ceilings how many skies
The dark kills you never the dark kills you never
Can you hear the silence in the attic
The spirits are dancing eerie early morning chilly dusk
Who will remember her now
You just need to tape her mouth no sound no sound please
Even the wind has its dirtiest secrets
Burry me all that dirt burry me all the rotten desserts and those threadbare skirts
Can you hear now in the attic
silently behind you
the screams tearing apart each of the different path on your soul map

Et le sang sur mes mains fait du bien

nothing is ever unscathed
It's november bites
Harder each year
22 autumns
The leaking will be fixed with this touch
If I can forget to remember the hurt
Under my finger the words
The words the words the world to me
22 novembers it hurts


Music is always so good, such a soothing and inspiring company.
I so love English accent, so beautiful!
There is so much poignant emotions in her music and songs, I felt truly touched, moved and it was kind of a reminiscence of places I've been.

and to think december I will enter the third trimester, the so called worste trimester!
If I can be more tired oh well...
I just hope my daughter will be patient until at least late february.





Mes robes sont pleines de sang mais je ne peux pas m'en empêcher
c'est si bon
ces sentiers vermeilles qui m'émerveillent
La douleur quand elle n'est plus la mienne
je serre plus fort les noeuds
j oublie enfin ceux dans mes cheveux
Je tire plus fort sur la corde
Est ce que ça mord dis est ce sa mort
les petits poissons empoisonnés
I loved it when he called me cruel pisces
cruel cruel crude pieces
On s'allonge sur les cauchemars de soie
c'est doux parfois tous ces frissons d effrois
pourtant elle en vomirait encore ses tripes
des allées et venues des châteaux abandonnés des toiles d'araignées
Ma bouche ou la sienne c'est la même
le même goût des cafards sur ma langue
la brûlure du froid de l hiver naissant
Il neige sur les tombes
tombe les sortilèges
sous ma jupe des ciseaux et parfois des petits oiseaux
ils dorment je crois qu'ils dorment ils sont tout froids tout contre moi
en peau à peau contre mes maux
Je ne peux pas m'en empêcher c'est si bon
ce rouge amer quand tu fermes les yeux sur ton dernier matin
ça fait du bien
les draps raconteront tes sordides histoires de nuits infinies
c'est si bon la nuit
pouvoir arracher toutes les traces eaux fortes sur mon âme
sans aucune vague

Writing always make me feel so good, relieved and happy in many ways.
It's like running up the hills where there are the talking glittering lilac trees.
I feel home whenever I write.whatever it is.
Even nonsense, twisted words,dark dirt or lovely poems full of love...



I found that old pic of us and thought did we change that much?
and of course we did, not only physically but in our mind and soul.
Our soul are wealthy of all the things we lived all the memories we shared.
I am blessed to have all these memories with Sébastien...In the past I had begun a memory book in which I would write each of the best and sweetest of funniest moments!
There would be way too much to add now to it!
and alas our human brains are too limited to keep it all inside, memories sometimes fade a bit.


The seeds Of Your Higher Sacred Purpose In Your Heart


It's not so easy to show our pregnant body.Whenever I look at myself in the mirror naked, I kinda think how enormous by belly is and feel like Bibendum ^____^
it's not so pleasant.
But I am lucky to be able to play with photography to tame this new body and make it look as sensual as spiritual.
Anyways it's kinda sad when perv have to see and look at this as sexual when it's one of the purest kind of nude art to show women bearing Life.








I hope my daughter knows and feels how much we love her already.

I know she will be a very sensitive soul...
I can't wait to hear her voice, her laughter, see her smile...






This year I am glad I won't "boycott" xmas, I am even rather glad of it, cant wait to get my xmas tree with the sweet scent of chilhood dreams to it.
I'll just have to be careful with food ha!
But I have always loved eating, it's such a pleasure and now that I have this new passion for cooking good meals, it's really dangerous for my slim body ...well
I believe after pregnancy I'll get my body back.
I am lucky enough not to have stretch marks or anything so I just have to be careful, no more french fries and pizza, less cheese in pastas ;) and voilà!

It's a new week, I have to find ways to be positive and not let the fatigue make me all depressed and moody.

I have to take an apointment to the maternity to open a file and also to begin in december the childbirth classes.
I guess I will need seb to come with me everytime, I don't feel at all able to drive alone, I had another fainting episode on saturday before the gyno's apointment and it was just awful!I had to sit down in the parking before the shop, my eyes could not focuse on anything...lucky me a really nice couple came to me and they were very helpful and understanding, even the woman in the shop gave me a chair...I hope not to have this anymore though, it's so scary!( and well driving is not so easy now with the belly...but seb is not driving yet.
He has begun taking lessons with his friends so hopefully soon he will drive for me.)

a little more of three months to go...I know 2010 will be a wonderful year.
2009 was a year of endings.closure.And as always we learn so much in this.

2010 will be the beginning of something so new!