December is already there can't believe a whole year is ending so soon!

okay that might be totally silly but nevermind :)
it's only some kind of pregnancy craving:)

so I would like Kellogg's Fruit Loops Breakfast Cereal
There have discontinued the selling of those cereals in France, I used to eat them when I was around 14 years old and really it's a craving I have these days ^___^
I sometimes have the feeling I have some cravings link to my childhood:)but nothing too weird!

so if anyone from the USA or maybe UK? can buy some for me and tell me how much it would cost with the shipping cost( economic preferrably) I would be really happy(laughing)and would pay you via paypal:))

I am trying to find some on internet but there shipping cost is always so much and also the price of the cereals it becomes a luxury!

Except from this childish craving I am doing fine eating chocolate clusters cereals(laughing)
really this week I am having a new wave of fatigue, but it's because the nights are not fun, I wake up in the middle of the night with pain in my hip and elbow and sometimes baby is moving and kicking and Goddess knows why I suddenly feel hungry.

ah well better wait before trying my wii balance board to know my new weight
it's funny somehow because I never put on weight.

I have been painting, yes! it's been a while!


it really demands much energy and concentration and sometimes I just want not to think too much. It's much easier to play with photoshop and pictures.
Of course for this I also have to think, but I can try and test and always erase change the thing, whereas painting you have to be careful of every steps even if it does not have to be perfect, when you know what you want, you just go slowly.

Oh Goddess! I could just lie on the couch with a bowl of desired froot loops before some tv show:))

I am so spiritual today.ahah.


that painting might be used for a book project I have in mind, I should begin to work on this soon, but yes definetly not today.

I began another book this week, a book of photography and perhaps including some poems of mine too,I think it's gonna be a big book but somehow I wonder if I should wait to publish it because I have other things to include in it, I am not sure, I will see what I decide.

I can begin to publish another book of photography, the thing is that I hardly can publish a book of photos only.
Because many of my pictures have poems linked to them, because what I do is phoetry, and of course pictures talk a lot and sometimes maybe they dont need words, but they do inspire me words, they make me want to speak and take the viewer inside the landscape ,to visit a part of my soul garden or just go dream ,find back something they have lost, memories and such...

I think it would be frustrating for me,to publish a book of pictures and let the poems die away in the shadows because I am quite sure one of my biggest need with books is to be read, one of my biggest desire with photos is to share messages, poems, thoughts,words yes my beloved ones , words have always been my greatest friends from how far I can remember.



I was thinking of my daughter while painting that.
I don't think she'll have blue hair,but I love to imagine fairy birds sending her blessings over her cradle:)
and in her heart her daddy ^___^
it's a special picture I have included in this.
It's a picture I did of sebastien on the beach while he was taking a picture of the sea.
It was during my first pregnancy.
and somehow it talks about the long road of emotions till I finally meet my daughter:)
and I love the symbol of sebastien looking at the horizon on the sea, this infinite and keeping a picture of this time made of hopes.

ah today I'm always on the verge of fainting,it's really not much fun.
and I did have two naps,one in the morning and one after lunch.



I am still lucky to have my art, imagination and creativity, to make something good of this pregnancy, to find ways to enjoy it, to remember it, to be grateful for it, and make it "pretty" when in real it's not that pretty!

and this belly often looks charming and not so huge on picture, when in the mirror it's like oh my????is this me still?
It's so strange!

and I looked at old pictures of me taken by sebastien, I was so thin, such a flat tummy.

But I also found some older nude pictures of me and really I had a strange impression that I was way too thin, like a baby woman body!
It's really still surprising that men could have found me desirable, attractive with such a thin body!
It's funny how we can see ourselves!

Not that I didn t love my body, I love thin very much :)
but I prefer to be rounder and more woman like.
I would never be like women who wants to look like teens and wear a size zero!
that's ridiculous!

It's better and healthier to accept the evolution in our woman's life and to live with it:)


It's just amazing how time flies and we change and also dont think we have changed this much.
I also found pictures of me at the age of 16 and I thought really I had the same attitude though I am a better model now (laughing), it was funny the way I used to pose like a poser, it was like overacting ^___^;;
ah and I never found myself pretty and was so self concious, God knows why I loved modeling and photos so much, maybe it was a way to love myself and get some confidence?

It was something fun with my girl friends at that time.
I had many photo shoot with friends during adolescence.



my creativity is bursting,it's really coming back to me in spite of the fatigue
it's as if the inner muses were kicking from the inside just like N.J ;)
It's my soul fighting with a wreckish body:)


I have several book ideas and projects, paintings too,and I created a new blog.





I like this self very much because I do believe we can all be constantly between light and darkness, our emotions, the way we live, our dreams,our past, our future, our hopes , our behaviours,our beauties and vices and so forth...

my new blog is here

I am really eager to begin with it always hoping to reach out, make a difference and help others a way or another:)
so many people have helped and inspired me in my life that I always feel like giving it all back and even more.
It has to be this way constantly, to pass on the light, the energy...
yeah I am a zombie with energy, see how my soul want to keep on speaking, making art and sharing...I am handling things :)

I am even sure I will handle everything when the baby is there.
I will be worried of course, I will need a time of adaptation to get organised with everything.
I wont paint as much, I wont take pictures as much maybe, but I know I will keep on having each of my sides, because this is how you are balanced and healthy and in bloom in your existence as a human being.
when you sever a side of your self just out of sacrifice or because of wrong reasons, excuses and such well you're just then responsible for the frustration, sadness,and other negative emotions you may feel but this will see more in my other blog for sure:)))


this is a self of a friend I have edited and it inspired me a poem when I was listening to Bells for her by tori amos.

I so love this song!moving!
******


We knew we'd reach some kind of closure
She and I would never more weave fireflies
we knew the last words
It was a wintery grave for a long time
But none of us dared to say a word
We let that silence of death say it all for us
It was not too late
it was nobody's fault
Maybe we were worn out empty pockets of time
With a constant jet lag and dots in the wavelength
And maybe I was never able to swallow her stagnant blood
She would never break a door neither a window
I could not be her voice
How many more years of listening helpless the things that I cannot change
I was ridiculous with my "if I were you"
speck of dust to the wind
I have tried to be a good friend maybe I was none
but we just could not pretend anymore that we adore(...)



It's december! can you believe it!
and though I have mood swings due to pregnancy I really did not have a true S.A.D like I used to.
I believe my daughter already makes me oh so happy from the inside:)
well when she moves so much as if she wants out already it's not fun :P

right now she seems a bit quiet, maybe she is sleeping:)
How much I will love to look at her sleeping like an angel:)

I was looking at pictures of me with my younger brother the one I dont consider my brother anymore for what he did to us, to the family when he was a young child and all along the years.
I am quite aware bearing grudges is no good and I am not bearing a grudge here,for somehow I don't hate him, I hate to hate anyways.
I just do not have any kind of love/affection for him.
But when I look at how I was motherly to him, on pictures he's often with me, I am hugging him, holding him in my arms.

I can remember how much I loved him and to see these pictures reassured me on how I am going to be as a mother to my daughter.
I know I will be caring, careful, loving and really devoted.
I will do everything for her, I will never ever neglect her and Mother time will always come first.
I will still be an artist and do all the things I love but I will include my family, my children in every aspect of my life, because they are a part of it and it cannot be severed.

I have met so many people who first of all shared the negative aspects, the drawbacks of having kids and this always saddened me because to me it is a true blessings and I am quite sure I wont change my mind on this ever!
Of course there will be tiring days, of course sometimes I will be bored, cross and lose patience, it's just human:)

But I am already oh so grateful to be finally able to create my family.
People always find a good excuses in kids not to do all the things they could for themselves.
I will talk about this in my other blog about how we have to give ourselves some soul time so self time to be balanced or else we just go towards a wall.

and though it may be the crisis, and though there is a lot of unemployment, and we lack of money and we are busy, and we have a huge to do list and we keep on adding things every day well I believe sometimes it is good to say ENOUGH!
and have a breather!

what's the point in killing oneself under useless stress?
what matters? what is the essential?
oh well.



Maybe I should begin my sharing on Awakening the inner source with this, the cleansing of chakra the balance.
but this will have to wait till tomorrow morning I guess, I just need to rest right now, my body is telling me.

I am feeling good.
I have a huge wishlist of books I want for xmas, while my love has begun his xmas list for santa claus of wii video games ahah ;)
ah boys will be boys, anyways I would love to play to the Mario bross one, it will remind me childhood:)
and these days , being pregnant connect me deeply to each part of my childhood, many memories coming to my head and yesterday ,tidying I found some old records,not cds small records, of my favourite cartoons, the fraggle rocks and such!
it was funny, too bad we dont have a record player, but maybe I can use them as object to decorate the bedroom, I will see how it can work:) to give a vintage vibe to it and also some memories of my own childhood:))

I am so glad that I have been able to keep all these things from childhood, some of my barbie dolls, my fav childhood books, these are things I want to share with my daughter.

well I am chatty today:)

Hopefully there will be more paintings to show next week:)
the bedroom is more and more tidied:) yes incredible!!!
I am so impatient to decorate it!

we are waiting for the sales in January to buy all the baby things we still need to buy, hope everything will be fine.
I was thinking that it might not be so much fun to go shopping in January, with crowded shops and all.
I have already a hard time in shops now, I am dragging my body,it's pathetic!

I am thinking about going to the hairdresser on saturday while sebastien go errands ;)
hey HE CAN DRIVE NOW ^___________^woooh oooh
Thank you Nicolas!!!!

He's lucky to have a great friend who helped him learn back all the basics and now he feels more confident so it's great!
especially because of my belly now its less and less comfortable to drive, and I have to keep the seatbelt not too close to my belly, it's annoying!

I want to sacrifice my hair,a change and also it's much more practical and when I'll be in the labour room I wont have my hair in my face bothering me!
Also it will do me good to take care of myself and have someone take care of me, its always relaxing!

I should have written the days I did not feel tired! because it's true in between I do have days of energy, I could not run a sprint but I can do things and dont feel sleepy all the time:)

right now I am so tired I could not go downstairs to get the mail,hope to have some!
it's always lovely to receive real letters!

We've decorate for xmas and we bought a lovely xmas tree that scent like in my childhood, I loved this!
it really brings a lovely atmosphere in our living room:)
it makes me feel like a little girl again!

I so want xmas gift to open on the 25 in the morning under the xmas tree!!! oh Yes!!!
:)))
Our best xmas gift is on the way ,it will also be a re-birthday gift in March, how lovely!

and it will come soon now!
december is getting ready for all celebrations.
january last u/s and first maternity visit with the midwife etc.
february the birth class, not sure if I will go to each of them, I will see.
It depends if seb can drive me there and come with me
I just want to go there to know about the breathing techniques for the rest I have read so much on each subjected that I can be tested anytime ;))

it does not mean I will a pro at breastfeeding but I know how it should work and I will do my best for it to go well.
I know there are people to talk to get help with this anyways so I wont give up.
I am not too worried, in fact I take one thing at a time and I dont want to get stress before anything happened.
I want to keep this new serenity to handle everything.

if you have some money for xmas ,feel free to offer this book to friends of yours who loves photography and want new inspiration:))



Blessings and light