vendredi 25 décembre 2009
The meaning of xmas
I think xmas reminds me childhood and reconnect me to thousands of lovely memories.
Then during teenage time xmas became difficult because you lose hopes, you feel disappointed in many things, you feel lonely.
I remember also the exotic kind of xmas we would celebrate as my grandma on my mother's side was vietnamese, so it was very original and delicious.
Oh and the magic of the ritual of opening our gifts around midnight!
What was fantastic for us was the fact that in the morning we would again have some gift
Mostly as a teen all I wanted for xmas was true love, a boyfriend,some passion to hold me in the dark of my little heart, I was such a melancholic girl!
I used to envy all my friends having this special love in their life and me just dreaming of it and watching those romantic xmas movies and sipping on hot chocolate to cheer me up.
I remember the xmas of my 15 years old I told myself okay let's be nice this time and pretend and not be another killjoy...so I tried to party and enjoy myself but I remember the loneliness of my heart.
It's a pity at that time not to be already grateful for what we have, a family, good food ,a warm home decorated and gifts :)
Yet Love has always been my essential.My torment.My dream.
Xmas finally meant childhood, family and good meal.
We always celebrated the pagan xmas, we were not religious but we still would put a xmas crib with the little jesus, all the sheep(my favourite) and Marie, Joseph and the others.
I would play with those little characters as a child:)
Maybe reinventing the stories!
I cared much more about the sheep and the little jesus!
I loved the decoration of xmas and the holiday, my mom cooking delicious things for us.
After some years of boycotting xmas and making my funeral face during the parties, oh even the first years with sebastien, especially when we had to celebrate at his family's just because for some years the contact with them was not easy at all.
Maybe because to me they did not take our story seriously and perhaps the fact they thought I was too old for sebastien, who knows?
I think I could not enjoy xmas because I always wanted more.
Time passes, everything evolves and changes.
But the first xmas in the mountain we spent in 2001 was amazing.I have so many wonderful memories of this time!
We were very lucky to be there just the two of us under lots of snow.
Xmas always make me want to see the snow!
And this year again we've been lucky enough to have some snow here, it was lovely and so apeasing!
I can now imagine the first time we'll go to the mountain with your daughter, but it'll be in some years now, it's better to wait till she can learn how to skii!
It's so cute to see those 3 years old kids on skiis :)
But honestly I am not eager of time to pass now.
I will enjoy every smile, every season, deeper,with more awareness of everything.
Sometimes people stress the fact that our life is gonna change drastically with a child but that's what I'm waiting for!
I wanted and needed a change, a life more organised, structured etc!
For many years I have had such a big freedom, so much time on my hands.
I have not always done the best of it in the first years, I am completely ready for another kind of life.
I have not been working outside for about 6 years. I have during all these years been able to sleep as much as I wanted in the morning( except during the time I had apointments or when I studied again in 2005)of course not everything was wonderful, I had insomnia, anxiety disorder,depression, suffered from feeling so useless, unemployed and so forth.
Also I was very lonely at times, I also felt some kind of void, this huge lack of my biggest dream : to have a family.
But I had time to become the artist I am, to learn,to love, to give, to heal myself a lot, to find a kind of inner peace, to be more balanced and aware of the things I wanted and needed in my life.
I don't regret a thing.
I think I have had many years of silence, being alone at home, luckily in late 2004 our Takun =^_^= arrived and really it did change my life!
In my heart I have always been ready to be a mother!
But maybe my life was not stable enough.
Better late than never!
I can now imagine xmas differently from another point of view.
I am now at peace in my life heart and soul and xmas means Family and good meal and of course one of the most important thing : Hope.
Hope for tomorrow.
Hope for our loved ones.
Hope for our planet.
Hope in humanity.
I love that spirit of xmas, when we open our heart to others, we forgive or try to forgive... it is not always easy to forgive when some anger lies under something we cannot explain to ourselves, so somehow for us it's better to reject and not forgive.
I don't know.
Xmas makes me want to offer to others, to make them happy.
I have sent more xmas card this year, surely not much the past years.
We spent a lovely xmas meal with seb's mom and her man.
Seb and I cooked together like chefs! ^___^
Now I am looking forward to the 31 just because it's sebastien's birthday!
Hope everyone's got a lovely xmas time and even if you were lonely on that day or that things were not that great for you along this year, xmas is the time to renew ones hopes and make some wishes so that next year it's closer to what you want your life to be!
We are the actors of our life we can make the change we want to see happen, it just takes some good will, patience of course and one of the key of a happier life : positive thinking!
something that took me years to learn.
And when you are happy keep on entertaining and feeding these blessings, live with awareness!
and here is my first book published in French, it's made of kind of fairy/poetic tales and stories, it's made of expression and imagination, sometimes real spiritual and from the heart and sometimes totally twisted, weird,going everywhere just like my personality, always in between two waters :)
To buy my new book
The profit will go to the charity I am supporting Enfance Nepal au touvet.
So thank you so much for wanting to read me and encouraging my hard work from the heart for the children in Nepal!
Open your arms and heart more often
dare to trust, dare to love, dare to live as much as you can before it's too late
Blessed be everyone!keep enjoying your holiday!