dimanche 2 mars 2008

My own brain is to me the most unaccountable of machinery - always buzzing, humming, soaring roaring diving, and then buried in mud. And why?

...what's this passion for?(virgina woolf)

I have to write or I can't breathe.
I have to write any ,everything or I'm going to think or cry.

I am utterly exhausted today.such a weekend.full of physical pain.
I'm a highly sensitive woman surely my lot!
Well I'd smile a lot more if it was only my body though...

"It is within you that divine lives"(joseph campbell)

something is wrong

Something is wrong

Behind a glass door I suffocate emerging from a world I needed to leave kneeling for a world I need to live...
The scent of a hurricane folded in my soul
No no don't look not right now
It's better for your own sake to keep your eyes wide closed
No mere listening allowed ,please hear
deeper deeper dip her
In the Carnival Ocean of dancing shadows
She could be water as long as it's for the sake of words the sake of art
To savor a neverending drowning
She could eat feathers to nurture the Muse
Perhaps it was all behind that curtain
The bleeding truth of flower obsession and sugary compulsions
On the lips your tongue of another poetic language
I am not the Only one no she is screaming there in my head
Her head bends to hear the sky songs but nothing comes
I want to come closer to write in heavens lies of eternity
Something is wrong
Nothing lasts
we are all books of dusty cells in need of touch
Don't deny the leather
Old books young souls we are yearning for depths
But something is wrong in these impermanent flames & lusty shadows(...)

well sure perhaps...It depends on the day,we've got Goddesses and succubes inside, yes some demons too...
ah shadow waltz, can you ask me to dance once more, especially when I feel so alone.

Nothing at all I am just nothing

Nothing at all I am just nothing


"I am utterly insignificant " she sighed
And everything was so real, cutting, a moment of acute lucidity.
Even the air entering her lungs made it all bleed inside.
How suffocating the hours could be at times.
Everything was going on, orbiting their existence around their own little sweet nothingness.
Everyone screaming " mine! mine! just give me mine!"
They all wanted their slice of void the divine absence...
It remaint in her mind that night how easy and so delicate it would be...
"Oh my oblivion..." she sighed
She didn't see the river she saw the key & when she closed her eyes she could sense that enthralling crossing of door, the beauty of the pain, the scent of oblivion & everything would disapear, she would take it all away with her inside her
"oh my oblivion sometimes I feel this time is drawing near"(...)



Evocative Sorcery


(you've got to be curious and click on that one to read the quotes:-)please come on, I wont bite!)



The seventh chakra self evaluation



(find more at virtual circle or just answer the questions for yourself too)



1. What attachments do you have in your life and how could you release them?


Oh Goddess!
I surely have an over-intellectualization of things, everything...
hey " sophia would insist you must eat of it"

Knowledge is power...to me it means I can analyse and comprehend things and people better, in a deeper plan perhaps.

Maybe to know,to be able to use my damn brain helps me feel in control and away.
Yes I am away.
I share it all, I am naked and of course some people smile, don't understand or they judge or they just feel either aroused...

surely a lot of people male or female don't dig the depths of my erotic or nude art pictures. but does it matter now?
no is my simple answer, I feel so fine to have this capacity to express my feminine self without barrier that only this is a huge relief for me.

I don't know if I can release attachements.
I am fucking attached to Past.
It just makes me cry anytime I dwell too long in memory lanes.
Sometimes it's cleansing

Excessive characteristics

* Dissociation from the body
* Spiritual addiction
* Confusion
* Over-intellectualisation
* Living "in your head"
* Disconnection from spirit
* Excessive attachments


let's be honest, I have all those excessive characteristic, you can not be passionate and want to live intense emotions and not be an excessive soul:-)
but I am also spiritually connected and smart enough to take rest when the waters are too agitated.

Viens n'aie pas peur

Viens n'aie pas peur!

Take her gentle hand to your worste pretty nightmares
Oh bird you eat her eyes to enter her soul
Make her blind on the effect of language & sounds
Invasion in her spirit
no music
no pages drenched with ink
just the dazzling whiteness
The opacity of skies in winter is nothing compared to this
Oh amazing power of this engine
Wires and needles conducting to the core
Leader of Insanity verses
Transfuse the heartease after the storm
Meet her dangerous chaotic Machine
Make all understanding collapse in the beyond
Burry all punctuation
you don't need to question everything anymore
Come to the depths of devastation
The sweetest fall of the cliffs
Cave in come on closer to her adorn precious darkness
Drunk of the threat of the sighing black thistles



right now I need rest,distance in a way.
I need to find some energy back.

I am attached to childhood/youth.
I hate the idea of aging in the sense of becoming a cold fish kind of adult who lives in a world of numbers and responsibilities and that's all...
I see others changing but I can evolve not forget the inner fae child.
ask me to cut my wings and I'll die, I'd rather die but as I want to live so bad and hopefully for so long because I got so much love to give still that really I will keep my wings...no matter what.

I am attached to my family, I got the feeling of immortality when I am my parents' daughter but of course I am aware of physical aging around me,it's painful.
Sometimes I am like a baby,I want to deny, or I could almost get "angry" to notice,because it makes me think too much and it hurts when it's just live as we live we turn old slowly but surely towards something else an end, a new beginning, who knows?



"Affirmations:

*
I am guided by my higher power and higher wisdom.
*
I am awakened."


I believe in those affirmations.
I got a higher sense of awareness.

The essence of me...underneathIf you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.


I don't say this to pretend I am so enlightened I can be so silly at times:-)
but I learn constantly & I receive messages, sometimes I need time to decode them and of course I can be wrong so I have to go back and re-try to decode them.

We all make mistakes. we all fail in the good things we want to do.


2. What is your concept of the divine and how much time do you put aside to contemplate this?


The divine.
well I divide this idea of divine,I got to see there something higher, something above us,further than us and this idea can be translated as God/Goddess but certainly is just my own Faith.
But what I believe in would take time to explain for I am not religious and haven't been religiously educated nor baptized. I am free from religions and I love that idea not to belong.

But I believe.

the other idea of divine is down here, the presence of divine everything beautiful,serene, impressive,grabbing,eye catching,though provoking,mesmerizing,enthralling,touching,delicate,moving,enticing too...

*

I take a lot of time to contemplate the divine.
I think I do give a lot of my life for the divine.
Not an idea of God but an idea of Love, creation, sharing,empathy...
I make art to make others find a way,a path, a gate ,a window to open and to find their own divine, to remember their own spark...
we're all divine, innocent, blessed in a way.



3. Tune into what thoughts occupy your mind on a daily basis and decide if they serve you in a positive way or are they self-limiting beliefs?



oh well interesting question...well
I think of death surely too much for my own good and this limits me at times but also it makes me live higher and deeper seeing how people leave so quickly, metaphorically or truly.
I want to be the ones who grabs these instants of LIFE and offer them, spread them,scatter this huge wave of hopes...
ahah that's on my good days and that's the real me, today I'm darker for sure.
Feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically doesnt help me.

I'm learning from my thoughts and I try to use everything that comes across my mind in a positive ways.
Everything is a hint towards bigger answers I'm sure.
only this makes the inner fae child finds her huge smile back.

Yay!she says.
Skin deep
4. How can you bring a sense of the sacred in your daily life?


Through meditation, through reading and sharing.
Art and writing bring a sense of sacred in my daily life.

I send blessings too,always, to complete strangers,friends/friends to be and loved ones...
I believe in offering pieces of my soul I share sacredness not only because I think I am sacred( though I do believe in the sacred feminine/masculine too, we have god and goddess inside of us, all of us and we choose how to use our power, how to spread our lights and darkness...)but also because I believe giving is sacred and brings such a Bliss in the depths of my being, the return to innocence the highest freedom of detachment in this oblivion of the self...
yes I surely am not that sane :-)

you smile don't you?

C8H11N

Hours of words I'm an addict
How many honeyed sounds pierce through me
Give me more
The soul screams
Give me more of this divine blissful alkaloids
Suffocating moments where my mind is annihilated
The coffins of Reason & Decency are burried under wet sighs stories
My baby called me "little Fear" for he is underwater
Gasping under the wild increase of Cortisol waves
Oh such a delicious drug
Oh gentle wonder of chocking question marks
Now tell me honey mine do you fear my flourishing growth of testosterone

5. How often do you show gratitude towards everything that you have in your life?


Oh my! very often! God I am grateful and that s so true, I just sometimes keep back from this overdose of gratefulness because I might sound too much I dont know or hypocrite perhaps?
well who the fuck are they?
I should just write whenever I am grateful:-)
no care about people thinking, oh my how boring she is with her thank you all the time and how blessed she feels to know this or that person...

but yes that is true!
I am blessed, so blessed and lucky to feel LOVED, I know it sounds so boring but knowing this makes me smile, I am truly grateful for the Love I receive may it be from complete strangers or loved ones, my friends give me such a support, some my special ones give me an inconditional kind of love and they dont just listen to me but they hear my soul for this yes I can not complain and I should not even dare to ask for more ahah:-)

I am grateful anytime I meet a like minded sister/brother/ genderless spirit:)
who enters my life and teach me something, grabs my soul completely, stimulate my brain and make my thoughts dance all happy to become words and poems, or sentences, or blog entries or whatever...I am glad to know a lot of you, I am grateful to internet for this possibility to meet you,to share and get to know you, to offer my humble words and all the smiles in the words for you or you or you :-)

I am very grateful to be alive still, I may feel pain, I may feel so very lonely tonight at my sebastien is back to Paris and I have to readjust to the lonesome cowgirl artist writer's life ^_^

I am too numerous inside to get bored:) of course, but still I hardly breathe without hugs, kisses, love,passion, romance,emotions...

No Healing she's the Curse
title: No Healing she's the curse

All the doors are closed what burns suffocates her
Nothing gently touches the marble of the skin, or fires the coal of her lips
the apnea is too long
where are we already 6 feet underground
in the small box
Stop speaking I can not hear you anymore from there
His(Her) voice is like ghosts of the moving sand castles (s)He speaks about full mouth of complaints full of blood of I You say nothing (...)


I am feeling so tired I will go to sleep ,hopefully without insomnia tonight, not easy at all to sleep alone when you are the person I am...
Unscathed Angelene
(this picture is about Angelene, a mother of souls, mother of men,then there is the play on words mer d'homme which means sea of men, but in French mer sounds like mère( which means mother, angelene wants to bring everything back to life, she s an incarnation of cybele,demeter,Brigit and also shakti...
I have stories about her in my head, so many novels and books to write.
why don't I take the time for this?huh?

ask her!

Butterfly ghosts, I am the question(detail)

People seem to like that last painting of mine.It's called "butterfly ghosts I am the question' click to see it bigger if you want to.
Of course it's available like most of my art. I need money like other people even artists need to eat and when I see future, sighs...yes huge sighs...




If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.
(virginia woolf)



© All Rights Reserved - No Usage Allowed of my own words and images in Any Form Without My Written Consent.

3 commentaires:

Jack a dit…

Helene--

This is something I contend with from month to month, year to year--

"Excessive characteristics

* Dissociation from the body
* Spiritual addiction
* Confusion
* Over-intellectualisation
* Living "in your head"
* Disconnection from spirit
* Excessive attachments

let's be honest, I have all those excessive characteristic, you can not be passionate and want to live intense emotions and not be an excessive soul:-)
but I am also spiritually connected and smart enough to take rest when the waters are too agitated."

I, like you, find it hard to live the life I feel as my own without giving myself over to such things.

I live in cycles--perhaps heroic--but sometimes I come back with nothing from my trips to the underworld, or "otherworld."

I've figured out over the years that I can be willingly, knowingly excessive in these ways--although they often threaten to kill me.

I'm not exactly sure why I continue to delve into my darker obsessions--I can only say that I find power there.

When I reach the abyss I have thus far kept myself from falling completely in--because I sense no peace there.

but oh so "wonderful are the hellish experiences..."

I find all of this erotic, hedonistic in some way--as if I am someone else somewhere else--a person not given to moral constraints or cares. Some of my posts suggest such a life--Somewhere.

Surely that is somehow related with my mysticism. Am I someone else, somewhere else?

Once again--it's been a pleasure in so many ways.

The Lone Beader a dit…

Haha. My brain is always buzzing about beads! LOL.

Carlo a dit…

Good Job! :)