Thank Goddess I am still alive!

I have always known that negative energies make you go downstairs in your own little hell, deeper and deeper.

Sometimes I see how I can spend hours or weekends complaining and nurturing all these bad vibes in me and it leads to physical pain.





and I still can see the light, always, more for others sometimes than for me and God that pisses me off about me.



I got an awful migraine again...ok now it's every weekend, not good at all.
But anxiety and insomnia don't help me much, I need to do some meditation and rest a lot today.
I also need to drink a lot more like my dear friends always tell me, so adorable they are to care about me.
One in me says " so what?are you wearing that funny mask again? to the hell with your fucking abnegations and all the crap that they hide!"



I am not a dark soul.
I have darkness in me like everyone do...We have to be careful not to label ourselves with our sensations and emotions because we do reduce our being and all the things we can be/become.
I am full of springtime too...







I love payne's grey color, so deep,so interesting to work with.
My energies are renewed everytime I buy painting and books and I did this weekend.
Sure I felt a little guilt because we are rather broke and I shouldn't spend money but these books they will help me.
It's funny because I know myself, I bought them to help others first, that's insane,that's sick really!
I need them for me too!
I have migraine, a bit of vertigo still and mood swings...

but the moving is a stressful time.
I will have to pack things alone.
I don't have the energy for it but you know it's true the less you do the lower your energies get.

I have to know what to do for 6 weeks alone.
next weekend my sebastien won't come back.
This means, me alone, my bday alone, Yay!
Everything is perfect in the most beautiful world:)
I am just laughing at this.
It's not as if I truly was a wreck. I need to shake myself to find some positive energies back!
What would you tell a friend if I was not me Helene?



I have to organize myself better, to stress less, what will come will come, just let it go let it bleed, I cannot "control" everything, I have to allow the unexpected possibilities, after all it won't necessarily be bad.

I have two other paintings to finish & then I'll show them.
I will just rest,read,meditate and have a nap if I need to, I really hardly slept last night.

wish I had more interesting to share but no energy today.I just can't wait to begin my New Life, I am not meant for staying alone for hours,days & nights and weeks in waiting room, I'm kinda claustrophobic...
I will feel better and recover from this night of suffering along the day, don't ask too much from me today...