Another Fight I guess...I just want to LIVE

thanks so much to , , , and

lonely_sapphire

for reacting to my previous post; blessings and hugs to you girls thank you!

I was sleeping sort of quietly ,maybe not so ,I can t remember my dream or what happen, but I woke up suddenly and my head was turning, feeling very dizzy,the whole room around me was turning!
I swear I have never had that kind of panic attack!

I dont know what happened to me, I just felt so awful
It was so dark in the room because the fucking alarm radio clock had been switch off ,it was so scary not to focuse, to be like on some awful caroussel you know
sincerely I love caroussels for aesthetics and metaphore but I am way too emotive and hyper sensitive to go on something that turns :D

so the panic attack began wildly and violently, eating me totally.
I haven t had this since august 13 ,2004 and I know the date because I had to go to emergency hospital...this time too I had to go to emergency room but in the middle of the night,so bad!!

but I was acting like a mad girl
I hate this
I am sane, I love playing with words and love sweet madness, but I'm perfectly sane in spite of being a strange little fae.
I am stable, I am no more manic depressive, I have recovered and I had fought for years fucking anxiety disorder and now out of the blue it s fucking back and Goddess knows why???

yes I want to KNOW why
That pisses me off, I am angry at myself
what did I do?
what did I hide to myself?
what are these repressed thoughts that causes this blowing fuse!????
for those who know panic attacks, it s like the image of the hen who's off with her head and go on running

I was feeling I was dying really, could not breath, fainted so bad, and drench myself entirely with cold water, like a mad girl, and almost wanted to throw myself by the window
ahhahaha
now I laugh, but I just slowly feel better

I still have the sensation of not being align in space...how to put that...I feel still dizzy
ok lack of sleep probably
but I had 1,96g of sugar in blood when they tested my blood at hospital, hope it was because I ate lots of sugar to feel better thinking I was fainting because of this.

what's wrong with my brain God?
I guess if I were closer to God as I used to be I would not be that scared I would pray and feel better, I don't know...
I will need a nap
tried to phone my doctor to have an appointed before the one I already have for next week but alas it's complete
I will see at the chemistry if I can have some meds( homeopathy) they wont fucking drug me I am sane
I am stable
I love this life and I have no problems except worries of money and such
I have worries like everyone else maybe I should write a list in my diary to vent
not to hide everything and do as if it was alright
maybe I need to scream and swear
Oh Goddess I swear already so much

strange experience
I am alive though so I'm glad, just still nervous and worried
I know I need sport I will try to exercise alone today and maybe I will also try some yoga today in my room
I know I need these things in my life to feel fine

There is no real important or shocking reason for this sudden panic attack so I hope it can be cured quickly and I ll be fine again and not have to go again in another battle against my body, or this brain of mine

I almost want to cry inside because I swear I have fought already enough to be the me I am and I was proud of this, I was proud I had taken the control back, It's all fucked up

I can't bear the winter time, I can t bear the darkness around at all
I hate this
I hate to see it s what 5 o clock in the evening and it s dark already I can t bear this
Maybe I need t buy those lamps
what makes me feel still anxious now is that seb wants to go meet his parents , leave for two night with the cats, but alone here and yes two nights

I am a big girl yes I know, I am not stupid dependent and all, I have made, I can make it again, I am just so scared to feel this again, I can't

I never had the turning room thing in my panic attack,if someone knows anything about this, tell me, I wont take antianxylitic
because I ll get dependent, I m fragile
I would easily use crutches to live if they make me feel good and safe
I guess I love this life but I am still kind of scared of, of all the darkness, the worse things that can happen

no halloween for me
laughing
I feel bad
well in France we dont celebrate halloween
I have to have breakfast now ,take a shower, it ll give me some comfort and then I'll see at the chemistry what they can give me

if I m alright the whole day and can sleep well tonight then I will maybe just go to my parents when seb leaves
I'd rather not be alone I dont know...maybe I should
oh God
I need to take the control back
I can help other souls why couldn't I help mine

well honestly I had forgotten how awful anxiety disorder could be, sad :(((
I thought I would never had to live that again...
well I am stupid because some people live so much worse things, I should relativise

I will try, I m trying, just that everything looks different today for me
I will surely have a nap after lunch
I had to cancel my English class sadly :((
I give an english class to a little student, but I am way too far from myself now

I guess I need to paint this today, hope it'll help
maybe I also will need to let go some emotions

the sky is so blue, I will also phone my dear mom, I need to talk to her

free hugs for you all( yes yes I need them too)

merci beaucoup for having been there and sending empathy energies towards, I am grateful