My body may be floating and sick but my Soul still know where she dwells & I assert my Heart and everything I am...

Don't cling to anything and don't reject anything. Let come what comes, and accomodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images arise, that is fine. If bad mental images arise, that is fine, too. Look on all of it as equal, and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don't fight with what you experience, just observe it all mindfully.

-Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Mindfulness in Plain English"

Here is the work on chakra inspired by Mich at Virtual circle


Affirmations to practice this week:

*
I enjoy being in my body and I nourish it each day.
*
I am connected to the earth and the safe foundation it provides for my future growth.


*
I believe in my abundance.



You might want to answer these questions:

1.
What is your relationship to your body, diet and exercise?


I try to eat very healthy, I am sort of neo veggie, I hardly eat meat but do eat fish
I have some food phobia, I am always not reassured with what I eat, I mean they really sell us everything and anything, lots of pesticide on fruits and veggies, lots of added things in food, too much salt in ready made food
I get a little paranoid about food.
Lately I eat less because of my health and mood.
I don't feel hungry.
I still have vertigo and it's very tiring so I don't do much exercise, I try to do my morning yoga but I can't do much really or I feel so dizzy.
But I think I would need to lie down in the grass or on the ground outside to feel my roots in Gaia,to remember balance, to feel still...

I really don't feel good in my skin lately.I think it doesn't show on my face that I am constantly dizzy and I can't walk normally so people don't really understand this & maybe they could even think I'm faking it, whereas I just want my health ,balance and Energies back!

2.
Do you suffer from any physical ailments?
yes I have back aches, neck aches, migraines thank Goddess not as much now!!!! I am so grateful and happy for this!
I have raynaud syndromes which is circulatory problems in blood vessels in my feet and hands and it does hurt in my right hand:(
I've had these vertigos for two weeks now and so It has awoken my anxiety disorder Yay!
I am totally fucked up ahah better laugh about it ^___^
I was feeling so fine this summer, I guess maybe my body just rejects cold season and so it goes all crazy:P


3.
Is your home environment nurturing & clean?

well it's clean, but very messy because we're living in still a two small apartment maybe?
I dont know,I think for Feng shui I'll pass because it's awfully messy here...but yes we clean, I need clean space to work and breathe and feel fine.

4.
Are you on top of your finances?

ahahhhhahah sorry just had to laugh nervously, guess it answers ;-)
but sincerely I don't play the victim I still have a roof above me ,a good bed with a true love inside it, I have food , I struggle for bills at times but I do know there is always worse than me so I relativise this.
I think what matters truly is HEALTH & LOVE , the rest is just a question of time to feel more settled, to get what we want , seb and I are working for it,one day soon all our worries will be behind us, I am fighting and standing up for this!
I am too smart to be a loser;);) and whatever shows that maybe at 28 I am still there living a reduced life like poor students or whatever, I know I have achieved a lot.
My present situation won't tell me I am a failure.
I have grown and learnt a lot, I'm a fighter and I won't ever give up...it's just way too easy to give in to despair and bitterness, I don't belong to this:P


5.
Are you satisfied in your work?

So in a way Yes I have chosen my path, I embrace my artist life and I am responsible for my choices: being a full time artist means you can not travel the world( except with internet ;);)you can not go out much ,treat yourself etc etc
I don't go to the cinema, I hardly go to the restaurant, I don't go on holidays, I hardly buy any new clothes , I hardly ever buy cds or books etc...

and I am not SAD about this.
I don't feel I NEED so much to please myself
My life has taught me a lot, of course at first I suffered a lot to be so poor etc
I was always stressed and all, but now I really value the essential that I have, I am grateful for what I have and yes I know it could be worse...what if I hadn't Internet ahahahhah ;oP

joking is good for my health, cheers me up ^_^

but I am super satisfied with my work in terms of improvement, growth, learning and soul development
I am really proud of myself, I know I tend to doubt and feel lost at times but all in all I am an artist and this is the life I have chosen!
Anytime I indulge in painting and sharing my insides, my soul in this I do feel blessed
I owe this to God/Goddess, to this life, to guardian angels, to all the obstacles which took me there
I am a positive thinker, I really acknowledge that some part of pain ,depression and all has taken me here, and I am enjoying the journey in spite of all the worries, really :)

I owe a lot to my parents who also have let me do what I want and to seb to be supportive and to have agree to be the secure wages while I am starting my own art business.
He is my sweetheart.
I sometimes only kind of regret the fact of earning money, because maybe we are sort of programmed like this: you earn wages each month=you're worth it
I know my own worth, but I dont know, maybe it would be nice also to have a daily job when we move so I can have some money to treat my beloved ones ^__^
ooooh and myself of course eheh


6.
How regularly do you spend time in nature?

not enough.
Yes definetly not enough, we live in a city, so I guess it's my excuse.
I would need to flee in the countryside...breathing gaz and listening to the melodies of car is too much for me...


7.
Does fear hold you back in your life?

kind of, for instance even if I had the money to travel meet my dearest friends around the world, or to visit India and Nepal( my big dream) I don't know...I would need lots of xanax on perfusion for the whole trip ahhahah ^____^;;
I fear of dying too early too young...and I hate this silly fear, so useless, such a blockage...
but paradoxically I am a riks taker and I do and have done a lot of things that scared me so I guess I am still brave...I have to prove myself I trust this life more...
I think I will go on facing my fears, I need to canalyze my emotions more to be quieter, to be more at ease everything, to feel at home everywhere I go, because I live in my soul/my heart.


8.
Can you take care of details and stay centred?

I don't really understand this question...
I think I am easily disturbed because of my emotional side.
I have to tame my freak ^___^
In my life I think I do take care of a lot of details, that bore me to death but yes I stay centered on my path, my life meaning, my reasons to be there and my higher goals.
********************************************************************



You don't know me
and you dare label me
You don't know my name
You've not walked in these worn out cinderella shoes
I won't justify my intelligence because you think I'm pretty
Who do you think you are
with your big Mouth and scissors teeth
want to cut a piece of me?
I won't bend under bitter words
I won't play your dirty games
I can't stain my soul copying your harshness
I'm no bitter queen
But I'm not going to leave my thrown to please you
Everyone has their Sacredness
Don't you dare try tarnish this
assumptions won't ever write a very deep book
You cannot read through me
This gaze say I am me and I will speak
I'm not going to hide in the corner
Because this tasteless flow wants to burn me
I am not scare
I am not weak
No porcelain for you to break
I am so real
I won't break down for all these lies
spread your anger
I will go on scattering flowers
You cannot damage this Garden
I am standing up
I am facing you
I am not going to run
Go on judging what you think you perceive
Put my circles in a box
I won't ever fit in
I know who I am
I don't kneel for the Man
I don't fear mysoginist
I smile even more
pouring sugary intoxication in their void
(...)


Yesterday I wrote this out of anger to release.
I received email from a person who surely is too full of himself to breathe and take time before spreading some bullshits.

I often think anger is useless, mine is quieter and more tamed and controlled that it used to!
I guess it's because I have evolved and I can not act like them.
I can not play their games.
Bitter people hate you because of their own worries, so all in all they just want to spread their sticky thick sick problems on us, as if we were the cause of their problems.

I also think it may be a French thing to COMPLAIN all the time and not to be grateful for what we have.
Because compared to many countries we have a lot, we have the right to do strikes and we surely are the BEST for this
we have the best care insurance but of course not my fault that Sarko wants to change this, it's kind of a pity though.
I do think it's normal that it should be free to heal people who can not pay for it.
Maybe I am way too idealistic.
I think my health would surely be worse if I couldn't go to the doctor for free & so I am grateful to be in France for this.

Now of course people could sum this up that we are 'assisted'and too much helped by the state, I dont think so, or the people who let out these bullshit I give them my RMI( welfare) and they try to live their life with it and so we'll laugh a little more after.

so well this man truly agressed me as if he had nothing better to do with his life.
I think of course people need compassion but when I see life when I see things, I think still people cry for nothing.
I have a big heart and I am sincerely sorry for them if they do struggle, but if they are not happy with their condition why complaining to me? if someone is bitter with one's life why not just changing and finding a better way to live just that?

It's like the difference between private business and public service in France, both jealous the other, it s fucking crap isn t it?
you envy public go there, you envy private business go there and don't act like immature half kind of human being
It is so very tiring really...

I just don't understand people sometimes
When I had depression I surely would constantly blame it all on OTHERS
I think people have to be responsible for their life and this is the way I handle mine and take good care of it
I do know where I am heading, slowly but surely.

so now I won't waste my energy talking on bitter people who really don't interest me.
I have better things to do.
but to conclude on this, sometimes we get mean to stranger for free and we all should be more human and think twice, imagine what they are living now, imagine they can have worse worries than ours, I hate egocentrism and individualism, it's what leads to silly wars for crap...
tiring people, tiring world.

Thank Goddess I still can witness the beauty in humanity.
oh and when professional photographers dare to insult my amateur photographies well I just think it's pathetic immaturity and I am sincerely sorry for them, we all know the guys who need to pooh on our parade don't we?;-)

I am an amateur photographer but I do work and enjoy what I am creating
I really acknowledge my talent in this even if compared to photographers I admire like Lara Jade or Dan colvin I am really small ahah ^____^;;
I am learning on my own as I am self taught but I won't be ashamed to begin, we all do begin some time don't we?

so if anyone want to go on insulting my work, go on little darlings help yourself, I am fresh meat to devour if you can feel better and I am not scared
I love myself and I love my work/art and I am standing up for what I represent and defend.







I love that picture I did of Jen and I.






Come back to yourself
Please
Please please
I see you I remember
Pieces can not be that damaged
Pisces may be close to the edge
Glass chips and porcelaine breaks
I can't help but bleeding if you hurt
I can't help but hurting if you're cut
I would pour my rays of Light down your feet
I would enter the shadows for you with you
I would hold your hand
Please please
Close your eyes breathe some memories
Cling to all the buds of beauty
grab and push your nails in the tiniest pieces of gleam
Believe in the core of me
lull your soul with the blanket of flowers
warm up your heart with the window
I am at the window
I can't promise you won't fall
Maybe it's now too late
I beg thee just to keep clinging to all that's real
keep trusting all my loving
I'd rinse your mind with all my tears
Please come back to me
I won't allow you to hurt more
I won't allow you to be left alone
Reach out
please
I will ever be there for you
You don't even have to ask
(...)

(Poem inspired by the picture)
I was quite happy with the result a la Katerina Jebb in this photoshopped artwork!
Katerina Jebb is the great photographer who did Tori amos cover for the album from the choirgirl hotel, one of my fav album by beautiful Tori amos<3





some versions of it :-)








these the canvas I have ruined and tried to save, I was so dizzy and it was not easy to paint really, I had lived an awful week last week, I am trying slowly to feel better.
a lot of huge loneliness of the soul,disconnection mind and body and also big emotional turmoil.

But I can not just do nothing and wait to heal, it drives me insane to do nothing
I am a compulsive artist it's true, I need expression a lot surely because of being like a jar fairy ^___^;;

I know I know I would need more going out and being more social and I am heading towards this, I know
I see my new life on the horizon, it still needs time and patience, it is not as easy as it seems.




and my last painting,I finished it yesterday:



it's called N'aie pas peur (means Be not Afraid) and can be read many different ways

"Don't be afraid my Soul, pieces may collapse in puddle of Bitter thoughts You are still the same you are Sacred you are Loved I know it hurts to lose feathers but don't give up cling to what is beautifully Real Come protect yourself in this Room in my Soul Garden you'll be home I promise you'll be home"

I am glad of the surrealism of this, I always want to do weirder, more whimsical and strange ,thought provoking works so I am trying to tend towards this, but I also feel like doing some cute fairytales artworks...

I might be published in a Belgian magazine for my mixed media artwork,we are discussing it right now,so I will have work to do:-)

I have been featured Here at faefly zine by my dear Helen Trevillion
and I thank her again for her kind words and for enjoying my work!

well I still have more to write and share but I also have to rest.
Parts of me want to rest because I don't sleep very well, when I lie in my bed I feel as if I am moving, I feel motion really, I don't know if it's in my brain or what
I feel a current of energy too on my face, something that is like crashing onto me, it s strange
I cant really explain this.
I am thinking about things lately, about things I have postponed for many excuses , I think I have to open myself to this spiritual path and stop being afraid.

I can't wait to be back to myself completely.
I hope everyone is fine , I am sorry not to be a very good friend/penpal, I am really trying to do my best,but thanks so much to everyone who sent me messages and care packages to cheer me up, your friendship really means a lot to me, I am grateful for this and all the positive sweet energies you send my ways do help me so much

Blessings & namasté