Yes we're gonna Love for a living!

OH Goddess! How much I adore that Tori amos b-side I discovered it lately.
It inspired me a lot for this picture titled:I don't need shoes for where we go my eyes won't see drenched in the bath of my tears painful bliss, let me go, can't let you go,let me go, can't won't...

and that poem to go with it:

Whenever you leave with these loads from the attic
Whenever I drown my morning in the bath of your crying words
I cut my wings in wet and frayed garlands
For your hand is in my heart
Underwater comfort don't breathe now hush
Every wound remain quiet can't you hear now
Under your feet my love
In my palms your love
I don't need shoes for where we go
I can't even feel why is this so heavy
I undress my theatrical persona
All in all I numb this aching zephyrs hail my twisters
On my knees on thousands miles of mental sufferings how long the bleeding
Where the rainbow ends some embraces torture me
Electric trauma I don't want to close the doorways
Watery coma I want to follow your steps under the hailstrom of question marks
How they cut me through how they open every past lesion
How desperate the unsafe bridge of our merging
Pangs of liquid stars this emergency makes me cry inside
I cut some " I don't know" on my wrist and from my slashed heart
Float away some glowing dark I'll never beg forgiveness I know this hell(...)





Most of my pictures must be in the company of music, lyrics or even poems of mine, it's not as if they were powerless without the words, but it just either solace the torments in them or it's a big release for me.


Title:it must cost a fortune ...this adoration when the storm of words blew away the cradle of my heart, darling when did we fall I suppose our crime's price is this pining like barbwires in my last watery bed...

No bleeding
Please assuage this pangs close my eyes with your hand
There are thousands truths in my book I'd rather not see in the glaring light
Let me lie in the waters when my love invades my soul
Of course it's made of suffering anytime I read back not knowing
What will be written tomorrow
Passionate apneas pacify this chaos of words infiltrating my veins
Did you break into my heart
I remember it was window
Ease the pain of my "I don't know" bath where I could stay for hours and days
Sometimes an impulse tells me it's time
Thus I tear up the curtains
I destroy every mask
I peel the paint
I beat down the wall
tell me what's behind
I don't mind hurting my legs on the barbwires
I'd rather cut myself a little than denying
What do you have to lose when you believe that nothing lasts?
Is it real?
What does it mean?
A pouring rain of cleansing and relieving emotions stopping time
Freezing questions marks themselves
Oh my love I am sorry whenever my little feet are tired and doubtful
I am sorry to steal your pages
the ones you love to fall asleep with
Forgive me for the harsh flames of a tired fire and when I bite some words with all my years of bitterness
I never knew and I will never understand
It takes me time to understand I have centuries of hidden desires
I have centuries of awareness before my true yearnings
Perhaps It will bring more life as we decide to kill the dream
It's time to die my love, my love, my love it's time for this to expire
How will it feel?
My soul against yours
My heart against yours
and our spirit cells gathering(...)

music by Delerium


That bath series pictures were a mix of emotions,passion, death,resurection,rebirth,so called salvation of the soul.
Parallels between baptising and the water of the bath made of liquid words of passion.
Torments too.
Purety vs romance. and the intensity of it.
Nothing out of control.
but a let go.

not a door but a window.

The devotion for God, in the sacredness of the Churche vs the devotion in the name of Love True.
And sometimes you don't feel you need to care whether you'll be saved in the end, you can undergo the damnation because it's worth the price.

I also firmly believed that God if He/She does exist, He/She does not need our exclusive devotion.
I have faith so to me I feel sign of the Presence of something higher, the energy, the soul of the universe, something that is constantly teaching us, making us grow and help tend towards some kind of higher good, higher understanding, bigger tolerance, wider loving kindness.
I do believe in this.

To me the Energy of Light in this world wants to love.
In many ways,and to serve the light.
I am thus devoted to Emotions, to making others feel,share,feel inspired and understood.

I believe I am here to LOVE and no one nothing can or will stop me from this.

I love the bathroom.
One of my favourite place in the house.
I always feel safe and apeased there.
My big solace: the water gliding on my skin.

I love to watch the droplet gently fall from my eyelashes.
It's my strange moments of life with acurate awareness of tiny details of this life.
Each drops like a tear I can not cry, but washing my soul from its negative emotions.
breaking the possible fetters of guilt.

I can feel guilt for a thousands reasons.
but when people feel I don't care enough because I don't answer emails very fast or because I am too busy to do everything I'd like to do.

Guilt will never be but a waste of time and energy.
I know it so well.
so let go.
the water apease.
I am alone but I feel so good, on my own.
I'm rinced of all feeling of melancholly or hopelessness and I also comfort my baby empathy.

It can be so very heavy at time to feel others' sorrow.
When you love them, or can relate to their beautiful humanity you feel such an impotence not to be able to cast the light in their world.



"don't tell Louka Hannah maybe I love her"
A door a corridor to the sacredness in the core
We used to be young
Seashell in the island of this never happened ineffable feeling of affection
Under the rain everything is easier
Everything was beautiful but I cannot say nothing ached
I let this go away
Into another lifetime perhaps
Soft raindrops everything is quiet
Funerals of our darling Little fear
Farewell angel we've kept on missing one another
In the little pink book I will keep all the warmest memories
Of words that made us feel
Of words that made us breathe
Of hours that made us cry
Of hours that made us fly
Calm burial most of emotions were already ceased and fettered
Each path became slowly mute even if I tried to take up the sound
We've both walked in one another silences
There was not any fruits to sweeten the soul hunger anymore
Harvest of empty arms drought indulged in doubts
Should we fill the urn of these cinders but only with sighs
I will ever be there for you away from this tomb
All the flowers will find a healing ways kissing the marble
Everything ends with a poem
words weeping in the flames and moonlight dust


**********

People often think of my lands of emotions is made of sadness.

I am and will ever be a melancholic woman, because there are things I have lived, because I am aware of a lot of things, because I think a lot.
I may be such a fucking dumb gorgeous dreamer for some people or anything but a sexy baby in need of love, but I do know who I am and I stand for my big sensitivity, I dont deny it, I dont feel ashamed to be able to feel so much and to be able to cry out of joy or sorrow.

this is my humanity.




Please take me out of the screen take me out of my skin
Please away away from me
Tell them I'm not a dream
Dried wires of compulsive process
treatment for the poetry freaks I am no remedy
They could perhaps all curse me I am no cure I know this
I know I am just hearing on bleeding knees
My awareness is a mere book of rays of light entwined in dot lines
Please take me away from this Illusion Machine
Take me far from this engine
Revving the cogs of this ever written memory reverie
Tell me we don't need a safety tell me you are not even afraid
Please write your understanding in a blue cloud crying music sheet
Have I ever been in between Thanatos and Eros
Flowers overflowing in the little coffins
Tell me the cross are only for kisses
Open the way my soul half blind half clairvoyant
Feel the rime on my eyelids and the buds in my hair
Tell me I am still alive tell me I am not dead
please tell me you know I'm not dead
Show me Elsewhere
I imagine it does not exist
Please write it all for me whenever I feel weak
I need no sympathy no flowers no gifts no meddling
I wish for a translator for the hushed sounds inside me
I wish for a day of stillness and an embrace of emotions that says:
"I am here I understand and I love you true"


***********

I believe we are never seen as who we are by others.
This neither sad nor tragic.
I am not frustrated by this.
I sometimes still see myself having to prove I am real or justify because words don't define me and won't ever.
Who are we to define another's soul with mere words anyways?
















title:
How do you write ugly how do you write old I feel I have lived centuries my case was always holding the real Soul Light of me

My soul, my soul
they write ugly on every book and page
They know nothing about the phantom dances before my eyes
And I breathe you in
my soul my heart my soul
Each blades are running on my veins whenever you use this "ugly" word
Through my eyes I read between lines of the most beautiful end of springtime
I tell every bird on my way about all the sighs and words you write under my steps
and I follow each trail of yours footprint
Blood petals of those miles of time
reach my hand everything is read
my love everything is red
A ripe craddle of truth fruits and a bed of tranquility
Everytime your words just swirl into my ears
Crumpled sheets of memories
How would this have been a life with no merging
Cleansing fountain of faery tears
It's just a case
My treasure case
And when you feel
and when you care enough for the inside gem
You really know what Beauty means
(...)



Me playing with my polaroid ^_^and photoshop.

I'm having my first exhibition in Brussels, Belgium:


It's wonderful!! I am so very excited and amazed!
2008 is truly even better than 2007!
I want to thank everyone I cherish and the whole universe!
and I'll thank my inner fae child too for taking me there :-))


I'm always feeling very blessed with all the Light in my life.
I notice all the instability of it too, dancing from a feet to another, sometimes reality sometimes dreaming higher.

I often got the feeling my life is like a book, these years are the best I've ever lived because I choose to LIVE.
I don't neglect a thing on my journey down here.
Perhaps because I remember my years of Death when I let died many things of the whole of me.
Maybe I also fear to go back to the Underworld...

I value it all and I stop denying who I am and my yearnings to feel Alive.
To live with Passion too.
I cry if I want I love if I want to
I go where I want to with who I want to
I create moments to feel Calm in my body and soul.

I will also learn to credit myself better I guess.
But the real things I would credit myself for is my capacity to Love and to express all of my emotions/feelings.

the rest: my art, my poetry, my phoetry etc...these things are a part of this.
Therefore those who know will ever remember me as "what did she do in her life?"

"she loved"
Yes we're gonna love for a living...

My She(s) & I

I am not Helenina, I am me.
She is a part of me.
She is the art part of me.
she is a creation of me too.A constant evolution.A twister of emotions.you never know where it'll go, neither do I.I let her go.

I'm born of you too.
Of course.

The ones who read, who stop, who care about my work.



I'm going to be published in artful blogging.







I'll try to write more in the afternoon.

I am very glad about that.
I really am very touched, glad and grateful to the person who did that job and put such a big picture of me in somerset as an ad for the coming issue of artful blogging.
thank you Stacy and the other persons who work on this!

Helenina's tsunami babies : colorful emotions,hushed smiles,bleeding corazons and weeping eyes on the most beautiful horizons...

Oh God! will I manage to blog just once in a month?
I don't know.




The clouds are gliding in my mind
First comes the coma white in my spirit
the hands of the clock always threatening
attaching weight of guilt around my doll neck
I just want to collapse on my bed of cherries
To fly away in my nonsensical circus of dreams
The enchanting sweet funfair where colors are alive
I conceal all the question marks under the sheets
I don't want to see their grey faces
I want to swirl in poetry fields and open my arms to your silences
I'd pick flowers of semantic for thee only for thee
But the day goes in shades of grey
I eat some clouds & yawn all day
I sigh come back it is so grey
Without you my whimsical poem
without you it's not the same





Is that I feel I have nothing to say or that I cannot write down everything that I think.
I always have so much to say about any and everything just sometimes tired to speak, lazy to take the time to write.



also like this song says something are better left unsaid for who would understand me but me myself and I.

People who come with their big sandals of judgements, analyses,prejudice and such.
Everyone has their opinion on everything.
I do not mind sharing my soul.
But I keep the best for my dearest ones.

I am already so giving, so naked(yes soul and body) in my work and poetry.








I really am a dreamer and a poetic story tellers.
I breathe romantic semantic fields fresh air, I live for this somehow.
Emotions nurture me and they keep me alive oh so alive also they keep my Muse at work.

I also believe I'm a Muse for rent.
How much?
it's kinda free.
All I want back is to see more art, more love spreading,emotions,sharing,a pay it forward.
To give so people give, learn how to give again, to trust again, to remember they too can be muse and they too can do good down here.

Is it important?
Yes for how it feels.

so the pictures above are from my clown series.
Inspired by many girls who did this and especially the beautiful Elle Moss who is a lovely whimsy one of a kind inspiration.
A woman photographer so creative that I admire a lot.

Everyone wanted to know what the clown means.

so it begins like this once a upon a time, in many centuries before, a nonsensical princess fell in love with a poem that thought he was a clown...
This is surely the root of it, so she became a clown, expressing his feelings,reassuring him too that she was a clown too not such a princess.
It brought to life new branches with blossoming words thank to the magical hours of poetry and laughters.


I painted too of course, I am not totally idle while away from blog;)



click to see bigger:-)

Who can misread the Pages of Love True?

I love that one so much, I was so happy with her face style and the colors.
She looks kinda sad but her sanctuary is filled with emotions.
I think Angelyrah wants to tell the world that to love true is better than True love, but she's never sure of her own thinking.
She's forever incomplete and learning, yes kinda like me, but she's not me I am not her.


this is my Princesse of chocolate mustache,such a story,in ten years again she'll make me laugh with warmth in my heart.



Fragmented Bliss in True Devotion #158

for my one a day series that is going on till 200 and then well I don't know



I cannot be severed/I am whole, too squares for one soul,one story.



that's the question of these days sometimes:
how far can I be me how far can I be home

My dear sister of soul Chantal said all the way:-)
she must be right.
Home is in my soul so I should feel safe everywhere I go.

Do I still live in my own prison.
A lovely girl at flickr made me think today.
Are the bars of my self doubts and silly fears still preventing me to go further?

I always believe in art I creatively find ways to push the limits, to always go further, to renew but in life I am also very comforted in the same.
ok let me explain this.
I am used to my life, my pseudo comfort, I mean I'm not rich I live in a small but lovely apartment with a big bathroom so luminous and wonderful place to be:)
I enjoy the countryside everytime I go out,I keep on being so aware of this luck to be here though I am damn human beings I wish I had a house, a garden,be more secure financially,independent financially...
Maybe I'd love to have babies too.
but yes I'm a new born coward:-) I fear the consequences of having a child.
responsibilities.lack of time for me, my art and my missions( laughing)

Yes you can see me as selfish or whatever you want to interprete through my words but Goddess know I'd be so very devoted to my children, I will have them.
Hopefully.

I don't know.
I just want to give myself to humanity for now.
my own ways.
Kinda like God in the morning above the clouds He wakes up and thinks ok right which person I'm gonna listen, grant wishes too, make smile, make feel , laugh etc today?

laughing.
Ok ok come on I dont really have that megalomiac Messiah syndrome?!
^___^
I just at my own level want to do something good.
It is my path.
A fact.
Something I cannot deny or do as if I'd better take care of myself first.
I do take care of myself.
I do.
It selfishly makes me happy to make another one happy.
laughing.

This life is so beautiful sometimes.
I always wonder why I ache so very much at other times.
Mood swings fae child.

so how far can I be me?
I am me.
I also believe and am aware people see illusions of me, through my art,photoshop images and poetry.
This is a percent of me, or my personas, my fictions, my emotions turned into fairytales, my passion bleeding through colorful births.

I am always freer of those images of me.
I know there will always be someone to see bad or negative things in me and my behaviours,some people will always have time to waste.
I share my positive vibes, I am far from flawless but I am quite happy to be me even if yes that's true I do happen to feel like shit or empty or lost.

I know I will always have those moments when I step back into my old self universe,because she has things to teach me still.
Just like my inner wild child fae, I will never forsake her ;-)
I am nothing without her.
I am blessed I have kept her safe with me along the year, she still shines through me making me live this life the better way for me, experiencing everything with more awareness,making peace with all judgements inside my mind etc.

I still have my anxiety disorder.
I know sometimes why.
Part of that most stupid idea we have called Guilt!
Thank God, give me five!
why did you create Guilt by the way?
it s such a waste of time and energy!

so I dig some holes to collect that vain guilt feelings and I burry.
It causes me some sleepless nights.



Title:Metallic blood tears for my marble lips hammering the muddy chaos in her garden corroding the silver threads of her nightmare filled sleepless nights

and the poem to go along:

A story without air
a story without her
a story without sense
a story without doors
without ways out
without windows
without light
Strange how your beauty is stronger than the pain
A story without me
A story with thousands I'm sorry
A story of tightrope walkers so afraid of heights
Thin line where sin lies
A story without stars
without full moon for the devil of noon
Stranger how your Light is stronger than the rain in my head
A story with no ground
A story without keys
a story with no sound
A story without words(...)

and sometimes I feel like this:


that surely makes me more like a real true human beings each day aye?




and that's me with my adorable love my so dear darling my anchor my life the one I am not sure I could live without except if he would leave me ,I'd just live in denial and pout, kidding:-)

Yes it's true I don't only love him, I adore my dearest souls, the gardeners of my heart,the precious ones I'd give anything to, they are family,friends, they mean so much to me that the only important thing to me is that they KNOW this and SEE the real me.


I won't ever look the flowers the same ways...

I truly have the best friends I've ever wanted and dreamt to have that's why I feel guilty when I cant feel alive happy and grateful though I know it s just an emotion, a phase not the person I am.

I remember the years before, where was I? who was I?
it's amazing!
I had to wait ages.
But now It's true.
Yes not perfect, they all live miles away.
Who cares?
who said everything should be perfect?
I cannot imagine this life without them.
and it feels good to know they exist.









home again
whole again
young again
fun again
free again
clean again
(extract of the cure love song)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbijjEQXWSQ&feature=related
the sound is crappy but I adore that version and her silly impro with the Hurt by Nin haha she's too cool :-)

The more I live the Happier I can feel it seems, yes I do feel quite sad at times too.
I could get stuck on these incapacities, lacks,blockages,powerlessness,flaws,guilt,fears,doubts and so forth but I just go on,move on.
I have my unborn babies inside of me so I always have a thousands reasons to go on.to keep loving and living and making any sorts of artworks I want to do.

I regret a little my lack of ambition ,organisation all the things that makes me feel like a loser at times, I am sorry to myself, but I try to compensate with other things.
I better live on love/emotions than money.
Yes forever hopeless romantic dreamer.
That does not mean I can't handle the real world.
I do what I have to do now, what I feel is the right alley for me.
I guess it does me good:


title: Interview Express

- helenina do you have a moment please?
-why not?
-so tell me helenina have you found your smile back today?
-sure...did I lose it?(smiling mischievously)
-well you sound so very sad sometimes...
-it's just life emotions, I'm going with the flow you know(smiling pensively)
-how do you feel about all the kind messages you receive everyday?
(giggling)
-it feels good, I am not sure what to think though, I'm just me and sometimes strangely enough I feel I have the world on my shoulder and that I have to take care of others surely why I'm aching so bad tonight...
-Do you care at all?
-I do, I am so blessed, everyone who stop on my soul I'm quite thankful, I bless them, they help me bear my own self( laughing loud) I'm just kidding I have made peace with her now, old stories( smiling)
-But sometimes some find you agressive?
-they do? oh come on look at me ( lamb eyes ^_^)
ok ok I am sorry, blame it on my mood swings and also I get the feeling I cannot do everything that I want so I am frustrated, I really love to listen to people's stories and see how I can help, it's just that I really can not save the world...sometimes I look at me from outside and I say " come girl aren't you insane or what?"
I do spread myself too thin, leaves me energyless and grumpy, but I love human beings truly and my dearest friends so very dearly...
-you're a good soul
-they say so...but you see those teeth ( wink) it says don't cross the line...
(laughing again)
- so how is your new life as a witch in Houdan's Dungeon?
- I like it. Look at the view so beautiful...the more I walk here the less I imagine a life in a city, I surely would die...I need nature!
-any projects ?
-well I'm trying to get more published,things like that, but this life has chosen to make me receive always more love than money so I take what life gives to me...Honestly you know what I prefer ( mischievous wink)
- okay I won't take more of your time, just a last question perhaps?
-sure
-where was it?
Laughing and waving goodbye in her silent smile...




When I do those vintage effects on my pictures I am obviously or not(laughing pathetic me) inspired by Gary Isaac's style who is a god of Photography to me.

I admire so many photographers they are a true inspiration and a blessing for the eyes that feels further the image.
I sometimes wish I'll be as good as them.
I am improving and I am soon going to buy a better camera.
Perhaps this weekend,I keep on thinking and alas I need a new a washing machine, the one we have seems broken.











Houdan(quite glad of this kinda panoramic view)
isn't it such a lovely frenchy town lost in the countryside?
^_^




That makes me want to buy a bike to ride everywhere, to ride and stop somewhere for a pic nic with my sebastien.
Perhaps we'll do that as soon as we can afford to buy bikes.
In the meantime we have nice walk outs.


I love that little summer dress, I have it since my 17 years old ;-)
(boasting off ;-)
haha

I truly have so much more to say.
I keep on being the witness of beauty in everything, I don't have tv since we've moved it the wires have a problems it seems.
so I am awfully unaware about politics problems wars hungers and all drama or reality.
Do I miss it?
I don't know.

Yesterday feeling so bad, in physical pain I watched some dvd Dawson's creek.
Don't laugh.
I will forever adore that tv show, shamelessly.
Made me feel oh God how life flies, how lovely teen times can look sometimes but of course yes I remember the horror of it too ;-)

Yet I believe sometimes My life is like a book that has to be written,full of fantastic stories that always look so incredible, magical,one of a kind, my paper journal is made of thousands memories and remembering and also quest for more understanding, more balance, more sharing always.

My paper journal is made of all the things I don't feel like sharing here, I am blessed to be an artist and to have this life.
I just hope I can live that way much longer and that it's indeed always happier and better.
It does seem so ;)
I love it!