Entering the Last Trimester!I can't believe this wow :)

Finally right now it seems it went by so fast, in spite of the pain and fatigue ,but still have the last trimester to do which is often said to be the worse one because we get impatient and less and less sleep!

But I am handling it. I must say I feel really good today.
I feel Huge,Heavy and have got such a beautiful way to walk now ^___^;;
Anyways I hardly go out right now, just to go down the stairs would make me all out of breath!;)

It's really cold outside now anyways and I really don't want to get sick.
On saturday we're seeing the gyno for the monthly appointment.
Always hoping everything's fine:)
But it seems that everything is fine as she is moving a lot and keep puting on weight:)

I am entering the 7th month of pregnancy and the last trimester, it's wonderful!
And soon next week sebastien will have some holidays so we can have some good time together, comfortable in the warmth of our home, finishing to decorate our daughter's room to make it look more like a baby's room :)

I am very happy also because lately I have met two young mothers( one to be) and one with a newborn, so I am making friends in real life, girls who can relate and share with me.
I am very glad to get to know them, we have lots in common and we will be able next year to go out with our babies, take pictures, do any kind of activities together.
I am looking forward to this!

I am aware that 2010 many of my dreams will come true and this is so exciting!
the more we come closer to March the more excited I am going to be!!!
^______^
Dear God, I feel I have been waiting for this moment my whole life!

and I am going to be a stay at home mom, at least for the first years, we'll see how things go later.
But my closest friends and most people who know me are aware that it was my dream, to be there for my children, not to miss a thing, to take good care of my family.
I am definetly an indoor kitty =^_^=
but I also love to hang out in the nature of course and with my baby I will do that a lot.
It's another thing that will change in my life.
I will be more balance with going out and staying home with some self time too.
I used to be such a recluse artist!

I have lived so many years inside, and it taught me a lot of course but I know part of me wanted to go outside, that's also why I have spread myself so thin to too many people, I know I have a lot to offer and share and now I am going to do this in a healthy way :)

I am also very glad because sebastien is building a website for our daughter :)
It's going to be really lovely and so kawaii, exactly what I love!
I hope we'll find time to update it now and then!
I guess I'll be able to update it with the thousands pictures I am going to take of my baby girl...

I am on cloud nine and even higher, sometimes I even feel ill at ease to share my excitement, my wonder, my enthusiasm because I know what naysayers can think or say,but who cares?
The important is to enjoy this here and now!

and I am quite sure a lot of my friends derive joy from mine as I do from them, or even can feel so very sad when they hurt too.

Sebastien is helping me a lot and I am so grateful for this, because at this time I really have to be careful, baby has to stay inside till at least the end of February.

In two months from now she can come out whenever she likes, but it would be better in the beginning of March :)

Anyways my arms are wide open and ready to give her so many hugs and so much love!
ha!

Ha there is something I don't like at all it's when she seems to have the hiccup, this repetitive movement is a bit unpleasant and stressful... I always wonder is she okay?





I keep loving to "ruin",destroy pictures with textures that make them look blurier, vintage or just used you know.
it gives a fragile atmosphere , the emotion behind imperfection,that's what I like!




my belly is bigger now but on the front we cannot see it that much!
but I love the purity and tenderness of these pictures!











I would love to do a photoshoot of my pregnancy with sebastien,maybe we'll do this during the holidays but really have so many things to do that it won't be the priority!
we really have things to tidy,fix, put curtains, decorate the apartment etc
I am tired of the white walls, I want some posters etc

*****



I also wanted to take the time to answer my own questions from my other blog to share my thoughts and how I see and live things now


1)How are you connected to your own spirituality?Do you take some time to think about your reasons to be there, your life purpose?
are you in touch with divine messages you could receive through your dreams,signs in your daily life and do you take time to interprete them and find the guidance you need through them?

Of course I am deeply connected to my own spirituality,but it does not mean I am living on spiritual mod all the time, I can still just let go, have my vain moments and live in the more practical things of life.
i guess it's a question of balance.
I mean if I were to become only a stay at home mom with severing the spiritual and artistic part of my life I would not be happy and balanced.
We cannot be cut , once we know that we do the thing we need to find a balance to sort of do it all :)

What? I sound idealistic?
I am definetly a realistic dreamer ;)
When there's a will there's a way, and it's much better to find ways to get a better organisation of one's life instead of forever complaining about the lack of this and that, that's way too sad, why live this way forever?what's the point?
naysayers will say find me a solution if you think it's so easy.

I never said it was easy, but I have seen many happy stay at home mom who were still creative spiritual and in bloom in every aspect of their life.
Anything is possible!

Even if some day we feel upset because we could not do all the things we wanted, well the best is to prioritize.
The essential.

I am more and more aware of my life purpose.
I live with this awareness of all the possibilities,it helps me expand my mind and liberate my spirit, it allows me to believe in some kind of freedom.

And I have a thousands reasons to be there!
So many things to be grateful in my life!
I am always looking forward, life keeps on getting better.
I do believe the fact I think positive helps a lot in the way my life has changed for the best!

Law of attraction!

And yes I am finding guidance in the divine messages I get through dreams,signs, little things that happen that we call coincidences, I believe things happen for a reason.
We can really learn so much about ourselves while listening to what our dreams or nightmares say at night.
It's like when you're on a bad day and you just turn on the tv or radio and there is a song with words that can comfort you or make you think further.
signs are everywhere to be found if we keep our eyes open.

Also when we meet strangers and have a deep conversation with them, this short sharing can be meaningful.



2)How do you feel inside right now?
What is at this precise time your essential?What are you living for? what makes you want to wake up in the morning?
if you lack of reasons to wake up in the morning how can you improve that?
Can you find the present blessings in your situation at the moment?


Well I feel many things, but the most is made of excitement!
I want to open my xmas gifts:))) like a child ^_____^
I want to treat my loved ones and see their smile or know they were pleased with what I found for them:)
I enjoy simple things, inviting friends at home to talk and have some tea, reading, watching a good desperate housewives ^_^ with my love!
Cooking for friends:)chatting with friendly women in pregnancy forums and sharing our good or bad days,writing letters...

I am glad this year is ending taking away all the ends the sorrows the things that taught us and made us grow so we can begin anew!
I am very happy with the way things are, I enjoy the moment even if I am so impatient!I wont ever take a moment of my daughter's life for granted!
This will be preciousssss ;)

I believe we are human, even if we dont want to age and run after time, we all can feel eager when something like this , giving birth to our first child is going to happen, it's amazing!

My essential is my family!the people I care about, my friends too.
I am living for all the thing I love and want to share!

I wake up in the morning complaining most of the time ahah because of the pregnancy!
I wake up very early around 6 O' clock sometimes earlier when I ache too much and cannot stay in bed.
But most of the time I feel good, I am glad to see my sweetheart to be able to spend more time with him( I wasn't a morning person so before he used to wake up alone and have breakfast alone and go to work in the cold) it is much better now, to have this moment,to share our dreams, to talk about Nina etc.


3)Do you have a clear and honest inner communication?do you kindly take the time to listen to your self as you would do with your own best friend?
Do you take the time to "give kind comments/compliments" to your self like you would do to your own best friend?
Can you listen and apply the advice you would take the time to kindly give to your own best friend?

Yes I try my best to listen to what's inside and even more now that I am pregnant, somehow I am communicating also with my daughter, we are so linked at this moment!
So I try to see where the emotions I feel come from, for instance the mood swings, suddenly I feel depressed and lonely and I have to just welcome the emotions and let go and be aware that it's just a moment,it's the fatigue and the pregnancy.
Nothing to worry about.
Most of the time I end up feeling better by the end of the day or the next day!

I often used to live in a too self neglected way listening and caring about others before myself, my own emotions etc
Now I listen to myself like I would for another person.
I always love to listen to others and be able to have the words that can solace them, I know now that I can also do this with me.
I just have to put some distance and I end up finding the words I need to hear :)
It's good to be in a gentle touch with oneself so much more healthy!

We can see in community or forum of depressive people , a lot of them being able to cheer up the others and they cannot give themselves the same words and advice that's such a pity!
I used to be there.
I listened to others and was very depressed at times.
Finally all I needed was to know the healer needs healing too at times, and we can be both!

As the teacher keeps being taught, by others, the world, other teachers, the universe, life and so forth.

I was so bad at applying my own advice and I know now how hypocrite it can be and that's such a way to betray one's thinking and also to not to be true to oneself.
it is not easy to always be in the positive thinking and to have the words, it's normal to need to complain, feel sorry for oneself but it's important to stop before we get stuck in some kind of survival mod, we cannot fake things or we just end up abandonning ourselves, such a sad thing!
And I am not judging people saying so, it's just something sad to see people wasting time when life is so short.
Sometimes they need reminders like a death around them to react ,a shocking things to bear in mind that it's very important to make the best of the time we have now.


Life is big, life is now and whatever you want can begin now if you decide, just with you making some kind of contract with yourself and go for it, go where you want to go,one day at a time!

December is already there can't believe a whole year is ending so soon!

okay that might be totally silly but nevermind :)
it's only some kind of pregnancy craving:)

so I would like Kellogg's Fruit Loops Breakfast Cereal
There have discontinued the selling of those cereals in France, I used to eat them when I was around 14 years old and really it's a craving I have these days ^___^
I sometimes have the feeling I have some cravings link to my childhood:)but nothing too weird!

so if anyone from the USA or maybe UK? can buy some for me and tell me how much it would cost with the shipping cost( economic preferrably) I would be really happy(laughing)and would pay you via paypal:))

I am trying to find some on internet but there shipping cost is always so much and also the price of the cereals it becomes a luxury!

Except from this childish craving I am doing fine eating chocolate clusters cereals(laughing)
really this week I am having a new wave of fatigue, but it's because the nights are not fun, I wake up in the middle of the night with pain in my hip and elbow and sometimes baby is moving and kicking and Goddess knows why I suddenly feel hungry.

ah well better wait before trying my wii balance board to know my new weight
it's funny somehow because I never put on weight.

I have been painting, yes! it's been a while!


it really demands much energy and concentration and sometimes I just want not to think too much. It's much easier to play with photoshop and pictures.
Of course for this I also have to think, but I can try and test and always erase change the thing, whereas painting you have to be careful of every steps even if it does not have to be perfect, when you know what you want, you just go slowly.

Oh Goddess! I could just lie on the couch with a bowl of desired froot loops before some tv show:))

I am so spiritual today.ahah.


that painting might be used for a book project I have in mind, I should begin to work on this soon, but yes definetly not today.

I began another book this week, a book of photography and perhaps including some poems of mine too,I think it's gonna be a big book but somehow I wonder if I should wait to publish it because I have other things to include in it, I am not sure, I will see what I decide.

I can begin to publish another book of photography, the thing is that I hardly can publish a book of photos only.
Because many of my pictures have poems linked to them, because what I do is phoetry, and of course pictures talk a lot and sometimes maybe they dont need words, but they do inspire me words, they make me want to speak and take the viewer inside the landscape ,to visit a part of my soul garden or just go dream ,find back something they have lost, memories and such...

I think it would be frustrating for me,to publish a book of pictures and let the poems die away in the shadows because I am quite sure one of my biggest need with books is to be read, one of my biggest desire with photos is to share messages, poems, thoughts,words yes my beloved ones , words have always been my greatest friends from how far I can remember.



I was thinking of my daughter while painting that.
I don't think she'll have blue hair,but I love to imagine fairy birds sending her blessings over her cradle:)
and in her heart her daddy ^___^
it's a special picture I have included in this.
It's a picture I did of sebastien on the beach while he was taking a picture of the sea.
It was during my first pregnancy.
and somehow it talks about the long road of emotions till I finally meet my daughter:)
and I love the symbol of sebastien looking at the horizon on the sea, this infinite and keeping a picture of this time made of hopes.

ah today I'm always on the verge of fainting,it's really not much fun.
and I did have two naps,one in the morning and one after lunch.



I am still lucky to have my art, imagination and creativity, to make something good of this pregnancy, to find ways to enjoy it, to remember it, to be grateful for it, and make it "pretty" when in real it's not that pretty!

and this belly often looks charming and not so huge on picture, when in the mirror it's like oh my????is this me still?
It's so strange!

and I looked at old pictures of me taken by sebastien, I was so thin, such a flat tummy.

But I also found some older nude pictures of me and really I had a strange impression that I was way too thin, like a baby woman body!
It's really still surprising that men could have found me desirable, attractive with such a thin body!
It's funny how we can see ourselves!

Not that I didn t love my body, I love thin very much :)
but I prefer to be rounder and more woman like.
I would never be like women who wants to look like teens and wear a size zero!
that's ridiculous!

It's better and healthier to accept the evolution in our woman's life and to live with it:)


It's just amazing how time flies and we change and also dont think we have changed this much.
I also found pictures of me at the age of 16 and I thought really I had the same attitude though I am a better model now (laughing), it was funny the way I used to pose like a poser, it was like overacting ^___^;;
ah and I never found myself pretty and was so self concious, God knows why I loved modeling and photos so much, maybe it was a way to love myself and get some confidence?

It was something fun with my girl friends at that time.
I had many photo shoot with friends during adolescence.



my creativity is bursting,it's really coming back to me in spite of the fatigue
it's as if the inner muses were kicking from the inside just like N.J ;)
It's my soul fighting with a wreckish body:)


I have several book ideas and projects, paintings too,and I created a new blog.





I like this self very much because I do believe we can all be constantly between light and darkness, our emotions, the way we live, our dreams,our past, our future, our hopes , our behaviours,our beauties and vices and so forth...

my new blog is here

I am really eager to begin with it always hoping to reach out, make a difference and help others a way or another:)
so many people have helped and inspired me in my life that I always feel like giving it all back and even more.
It has to be this way constantly, to pass on the light, the energy...
yeah I am a zombie with energy, see how my soul want to keep on speaking, making art and sharing...I am handling things :)

I am even sure I will handle everything when the baby is there.
I will be worried of course, I will need a time of adaptation to get organised with everything.
I wont paint as much, I wont take pictures as much maybe, but I know I will keep on having each of my sides, because this is how you are balanced and healthy and in bloom in your existence as a human being.
when you sever a side of your self just out of sacrifice or because of wrong reasons, excuses and such well you're just then responsible for the frustration, sadness,and other negative emotions you may feel but this will see more in my other blog for sure:)))


this is a self of a friend I have edited and it inspired me a poem when I was listening to Bells for her by tori amos.

I so love this song!moving!
******


We knew we'd reach some kind of closure
She and I would never more weave fireflies
we knew the last words
It was a wintery grave for a long time
But none of us dared to say a word
We let that silence of death say it all for us
It was not too late
it was nobody's fault
Maybe we were worn out empty pockets of time
With a constant jet lag and dots in the wavelength
And maybe I was never able to swallow her stagnant blood
She would never break a door neither a window
I could not be her voice
How many more years of listening helpless the things that I cannot change
I was ridiculous with my "if I were you"
speck of dust to the wind
I have tried to be a good friend maybe I was none
but we just could not pretend anymore that we adore(...)



It's december! can you believe it!
and though I have mood swings due to pregnancy I really did not have a true S.A.D like I used to.
I believe my daughter already makes me oh so happy from the inside:)
well when she moves so much as if she wants out already it's not fun :P

right now she seems a bit quiet, maybe she is sleeping:)
How much I will love to look at her sleeping like an angel:)

I was looking at pictures of me with my younger brother the one I dont consider my brother anymore for what he did to us, to the family when he was a young child and all along the years.
I am quite aware bearing grudges is no good and I am not bearing a grudge here,for somehow I don't hate him, I hate to hate anyways.
I just do not have any kind of love/affection for him.
But when I look at how I was motherly to him, on pictures he's often with me, I am hugging him, holding him in my arms.

I can remember how much I loved him and to see these pictures reassured me on how I am going to be as a mother to my daughter.
I know I will be caring, careful, loving and really devoted.
I will do everything for her, I will never ever neglect her and Mother time will always come first.
I will still be an artist and do all the things I love but I will include my family, my children in every aspect of my life, because they are a part of it and it cannot be severed.

I have met so many people who first of all shared the negative aspects, the drawbacks of having kids and this always saddened me because to me it is a true blessings and I am quite sure I wont change my mind on this ever!
Of course there will be tiring days, of course sometimes I will be bored, cross and lose patience, it's just human:)

But I am already oh so grateful to be finally able to create my family.
People always find a good excuses in kids not to do all the things they could for themselves.
I will talk about this in my other blog about how we have to give ourselves some soul time so self time to be balanced or else we just go towards a wall.

and though it may be the crisis, and though there is a lot of unemployment, and we lack of money and we are busy, and we have a huge to do list and we keep on adding things every day well I believe sometimes it is good to say ENOUGH!
and have a breather!

what's the point in killing oneself under useless stress?
what matters? what is the essential?
oh well.



Maybe I should begin my sharing on Awakening the inner source with this, the cleansing of chakra the balance.
but this will have to wait till tomorrow morning I guess, I just need to rest right now, my body is telling me.

I am feeling good.
I have a huge wishlist of books I want for xmas, while my love has begun his xmas list for santa claus of wii video games ahah ;)
ah boys will be boys, anyways I would love to play to the Mario bross one, it will remind me childhood:)
and these days , being pregnant connect me deeply to each part of my childhood, many memories coming to my head and yesterday ,tidying I found some old records,not cds small records, of my favourite cartoons, the fraggle rocks and such!
it was funny, too bad we dont have a record player, but maybe I can use them as object to decorate the bedroom, I will see how it can work:) to give a vintage vibe to it and also some memories of my own childhood:))

I am so glad that I have been able to keep all these things from childhood, some of my barbie dolls, my fav childhood books, these are things I want to share with my daughter.

well I am chatty today:)

Hopefully there will be more paintings to show next week:)
the bedroom is more and more tidied:) yes incredible!!!
I am so impatient to decorate it!

we are waiting for the sales in January to buy all the baby things we still need to buy, hope everything will be fine.
I was thinking that it might not be so much fun to go shopping in January, with crowded shops and all.
I have already a hard time in shops now, I am dragging my body,it's pathetic!

I am thinking about going to the hairdresser on saturday while sebastien go errands ;)
hey HE CAN DRIVE NOW ^___________^woooh oooh
Thank you Nicolas!!!!

He's lucky to have a great friend who helped him learn back all the basics and now he feels more confident so it's great!
especially because of my belly now its less and less comfortable to drive, and I have to keep the seatbelt not too close to my belly, it's annoying!

I want to sacrifice my hair,a change and also it's much more practical and when I'll be in the labour room I wont have my hair in my face bothering me!
Also it will do me good to take care of myself and have someone take care of me, its always relaxing!

I should have written the days I did not feel tired! because it's true in between I do have days of energy, I could not run a sprint but I can do things and dont feel sleepy all the time:)

right now I am so tired I could not go downstairs to get the mail,hope to have some!
it's always lovely to receive real letters!

We've decorate for xmas and we bought a lovely xmas tree that scent like in my childhood, I loved this!
it really brings a lovely atmosphere in our living room:)
it makes me feel like a little girl again!

I so want xmas gift to open on the 25 in the morning under the xmas tree!!! oh Yes!!!
:)))
Our best xmas gift is on the way ,it will also be a re-birthday gift in March, how lovely!

and it will come soon now!
december is getting ready for all celebrations.
january last u/s and first maternity visit with the midwife etc.
february the birth class, not sure if I will go to each of them, I will see.
It depends if seb can drive me there and come with me
I just want to go there to know about the breathing techniques for the rest I have read so much on each subjected that I can be tested anytime ;))

it does not mean I will a pro at breastfeeding but I know how it should work and I will do my best for it to go well.
I know there are people to talk to get help with this anyways so I wont give up.
I am not too worried, in fact I take one thing at a time and I dont want to get stress before anything happened.
I want to keep this new serenity to handle everything.

if you have some money for xmas ,feel free to offer this book to friends of yours who loves photography and want new inspiration:))



Blessings and light

The up and downs of the end of the second trimester

I'm in the 6th month of pregnancy and so upset that the second trimester was not like they say everywhere better in every way...
The more it goes the more tired I feel and it's even hard to walk...

We went to the gyno for another u/s


at least we got this time a picture of her lovely profile.
It's always moving and everytime I only think about my love for her I have tears in my eyes.

The baby is rather low and the way she said so did not reassured me so much...
she really said that now I really have to rest.
Of course everything is fine with me and the baby, but the fact the baby is low and the head looks down already, it's like she is ready to flip down and eager to meet us ahah!

I just needed to cry after the apointment
I was all worried and unable to think positive.
Thank goddess sebastien can do this for us.
I must say that I hardly sleep at night and Goddess knows why I took about 2kg in two weeks, out of the bue!
I am not eating like a pig at all, I am eating healthy and am being careful with all sugary things.

It's not easy for me to just put on weight like this, slowly is right but suddenly no way cuz I worry it's not good for the baby either.
So I am trying not to eat in the night anymore but sometimes I am just so hungry.

I also have anemia which is mild for now so I keep my finger crossed it wont get much worse.

I so envy the beautiful pregnant women who feel just fine euphoric and full of energy!
When my sister said it was one of the best time in her life, oh my!
I would not say it was the worse but it's really so exhausting and physical and weird too.

I feel a little sad not to have a great and easy pregnancy.

but I did a virtual babyshower and the little gift truly made me my day and cheered me up!


It's so adorable!
I am beginning to fill the drawers with girl clothes finally, it makes me smile and makes me feel so eager to see my baby.

This weekend was again so busy, not time to tidy so much.
errands, seb's father visit and then on sunday we went to eat at our friends where we live!
and it was un diner presque parfait ^___^
we had a real nice time.

It's really something great in our life now to have a couple of friends to meet and invite for lunch.

******
last week was very draining with too much lack of sleep at night and feeling bored in the day unable to do things,tidy and all...feeling so diminished in a way!

But anyways, my gyno said REST I have to be sensible and rest, it just sounds boring!

Last week I discovered that singer: Polly scattergood, I love her name, Polly how cute!


Bitter teeth and the wind in my hair
Twister bits of summer in my lonely box
22 novembers too many ceilings how many skies
The dark kills you never the dark kills you never
Can you hear the silence in the attic
The spirits are dancing eerie early morning chilly dusk
Who will remember her now
You just need to tape her mouth no sound no sound please
Even the wind has its dirtiest secrets
Burry me all that dirt burry me all the rotten desserts and those threadbare skirts
Can you hear now in the attic
silently behind you
the screams tearing apart each of the different path on your soul map

Et le sang sur mes mains fait du bien

nothing is ever unscathed
It's november bites
Harder each year
22 autumns
The leaking will be fixed with this touch
If I can forget to remember the hurt
Under my finger the words
The words the words the world to me
22 novembers it hurts


Music is always so good, such a soothing and inspiring company.
I so love English accent, so beautiful!
There is so much poignant emotions in her music and songs, I felt truly touched, moved and it was kind of a reminiscence of places I've been.

and to think december I will enter the third trimester, the so called worste trimester!
If I can be more tired oh well...
I just hope my daughter will be patient until at least late february.





Mes robes sont pleines de sang mais je ne peux pas m'en empêcher
c'est si bon
ces sentiers vermeilles qui m'émerveillent
La douleur quand elle n'est plus la mienne
je serre plus fort les noeuds
j oublie enfin ceux dans mes cheveux
Je tire plus fort sur la corde
Est ce que ça mord dis est ce sa mort
les petits poissons empoisonnés
I loved it when he called me cruel pisces
cruel cruel crude pieces
On s'allonge sur les cauchemars de soie
c'est doux parfois tous ces frissons d effrois
pourtant elle en vomirait encore ses tripes
des allées et venues des châteaux abandonnés des toiles d'araignées
Ma bouche ou la sienne c'est la même
le même goût des cafards sur ma langue
la brûlure du froid de l hiver naissant
Il neige sur les tombes
tombe les sortilèges
sous ma jupe des ciseaux et parfois des petits oiseaux
ils dorment je crois qu'ils dorment ils sont tout froids tout contre moi
en peau à peau contre mes maux
Je ne peux pas m'en empêcher c'est si bon
ce rouge amer quand tu fermes les yeux sur ton dernier matin
ça fait du bien
les draps raconteront tes sordides histoires de nuits infinies
c'est si bon la nuit
pouvoir arracher toutes les traces eaux fortes sur mon âme
sans aucune vague

Writing always make me feel so good, relieved and happy in many ways.
It's like running up the hills where there are the talking glittering lilac trees.
I feel home whenever I write.whatever it is.
Even nonsense, twisted words,dark dirt or lovely poems full of love...



I found that old pic of us and thought did we change that much?
and of course we did, not only physically but in our mind and soul.
Our soul are wealthy of all the things we lived all the memories we shared.
I am blessed to have all these memories with Sébastien...In the past I had begun a memory book in which I would write each of the best and sweetest of funniest moments!
There would be way too much to add now to it!
and alas our human brains are too limited to keep it all inside, memories sometimes fade a bit.


The seeds Of Your Higher Sacred Purpose In Your Heart


It's not so easy to show our pregnant body.Whenever I look at myself in the mirror naked, I kinda think how enormous by belly is and feel like Bibendum ^____^
it's not so pleasant.
But I am lucky to be able to play with photography to tame this new body and make it look as sensual as spiritual.
Anyways it's kinda sad when perv have to see and look at this as sexual when it's one of the purest kind of nude art to show women bearing Life.








I hope my daughter knows and feels how much we love her already.

I know she will be a very sensitive soul...
I can't wait to hear her voice, her laughter, see her smile...






This year I am glad I won't "boycott" xmas, I am even rather glad of it, cant wait to get my xmas tree with the sweet scent of chilhood dreams to it.
I'll just have to be careful with food ha!
But I have always loved eating, it's such a pleasure and now that I have this new passion for cooking good meals, it's really dangerous for my slim body ...well
I believe after pregnancy I'll get my body back.
I am lucky enough not to have stretch marks or anything so I just have to be careful, no more french fries and pizza, less cheese in pastas ;) and voilà!

It's a new week, I have to find ways to be positive and not let the fatigue make me all depressed and moody.

I have to take an apointment to the maternity to open a file and also to begin in december the childbirth classes.
I guess I will need seb to come with me everytime, I don't feel at all able to drive alone, I had another fainting episode on saturday before the gyno's apointment and it was just awful!I had to sit down in the parking before the shop, my eyes could not focuse on anything...lucky me a really nice couple came to me and they were very helpful and understanding, even the woman in the shop gave me a chair...I hope not to have this anymore though, it's so scary!( and well driving is not so easy now with the belly...but seb is not driving yet.
He has begun taking lessons with his friends so hopefully soon he will drive for me.)

a little more of three months to go...I know 2010 will be a wonderful year.
2009 was a year of endings.closure.And as always we learn so much in this.

2010 will be the beginning of something so new!

The silver lining of my Pregnancy

I wanted to make a list of all the positive things about this pregnancy,because I am always complaining, repeating thousands times a day how tired I feel ahah, I guess I am not ready now to stop saying " I am so tired ;)" but I'll get used to it;)
not mentionning the pain in my poor little body ^__^;;
last night, well in the early morning I ached so bad I had to take a shower to apease that pain at 5 am... hey positive thinking I said!!! :p



-First thing is that my body feels even more feminine to me, more rounded everywhere and it's amusing to have such a bigger breast.

-I never have my feet and hands cold as ice anymore and I never feel cold.



-I take better care of my body, resting, putting creams, being gentle with it, eating more healthy, drinking much more( water of course)

-no more needs of much make up and foundation and even in fact I am not as much into wearing make up, the more natural it looks the better it is!

-I change in my taste for every and many thing it's very interesting,it's like living with more awareness,tasting,discovering new thing, being even more careless about what people might say or think ;)
for instance I feel more open to try new food I have never taste and I really love this because it brings newness in life to taste new thing it kills the routine:)
my life is really new in more than one way!
and also as for clothes style, I am having new taste and I keep thinking of buying a hat(like Michael jackson kind of hat) I am never sure if it suits me so well so I never buy it but keeps wanting it, so soon perhaps ;)

- I am more motherly and gentle than before, ha! when I shout and complain my darling would say the contrary, but in a way I am sure he sees this!
I have always been a loving person, but I care even more, I feel sweeter and more protective with the people I care about or the stranger who hurts and I empathise with.

- I am more stronger than I thought, I mean I do complain yeah I do;)
but really I also can hurt in silence I dont go so insane, I always tell seb" keep on sleeping!nevermind!" because I dont want to bother him and break his sleep.
I feel somehow complain makes me handle the pain and all unpleasant sides of my pregnancy better, the belly is heavy already sometimes when I walk but I am glad to carry this life,I will never ever take this LIFE for granted!

- I am more careless, everything glides on me, especially people's bad attitude and stuff like that;)
I am blessed with my love and family.
I still have my enraged side, especially when someone dares criticize my Sebastien, I show my lovely bat witch teeth, sugar blood sugar!;)



seb is wonderful he would just say leave them talk, he's always kind to everyone, no rancour, totaly not caring about mean people, never angry,never in a bad mood,never complaining,I keep thinking how perfect he is !
his only flaw right now would be not to drive ;) but he'll soon do that,I'm confident still hoping it'll happen;)
and his only vice is video games and to prefer to promote other's art and design instead of his and working much more on his.
he could do so many thing, publish a comics and so forth!
I so believe in all his talents and skills!
and even more in his becoming a father, I know it'll make me cry...
I have never met someone as sweet and kind to everyone,a pure good soul like it's rare to find, he's caring and I am so eager to see him as a dad.

so many wonderful pictures to take for sure!

really if there is something you'd better shut your ignorant mouth about his my love and family and perhaps also even my Soul, cuz you do not know me, humble humble babe;)

but really all my past, the pain, the disapointment, I'll keep making art about it just because in fact our dirty stories, our dark times can be very inspiring, thought provoking,making us think,and show how we grow to be our own individual, free and blessed, aware of our luck to be there and of all the things we have to share, all the things we've been through, all we've seen, all we've known, it can also help other change their life and not be trapped by the same kind of characters.
My most important point whenever I scream and bite in art( which truly makes me laugh out loud most of the time, because in a way people must say wow that woman! she kicks ass, she is violent she hates men she is angry better not cross her line etc etc... but truly I gently laugh when I do this, it's like the woman in me who expresses this is one of my best friend, we play together and have much fun "kniving male egos" the kind of male you would never want to be.

I myself am a man too.
I truly and deeply assert this.
My shiva and shakti sides make me complete, I have accepted the sacred marriage:)
I am aware of the man in me, very aware.
If I were to have a baby boy I was ready to joke about this, making a picture saying
" you've always know this woman has balls ;) but now she's got a penis too ^_____^;;"

Honestly I do not care what people think of my words especially if they want to misinterprete or think I'm too this or not enough that.
Like I said before think what you , I am glad to be me deal with it, be glad to be yourself for Goddess's sake!


I would never want to be anyone else, though in the past I wondered if that thought was not masochistic ahah ^_^;;

as for men well I mostly love them dead : Baudelaire,kurt cobain, Jim morrisson,michael jackson...
I am kidding obviously.

I think in the past I used to be more sensitive to people's bad attitude towards me, I just know they generate negative energy and I just have to find my way back to my own positive energy.

Even if I am even more emotional and sensitive since pregnancy I must say my emotions are mostly towards this pregnancy or everything good, things that moves me, touches me, beauty and kindness in this world.

Gosh baby is dancing, I should not put Britney spears aloud ;) ahah
Heart shaped box

let's try some nirvana;) sure my baby will love it;)
ha! I imagine us singing this together, that would be cute!
if it ever happens I would surely share this on youtube ahah;)


I believe Happiness is the best Art to share:)
because it makes other good souls derive joy and emotions from it and get inspired.
There are many mothers who I look up to and love their photos of their children, their bond to them etc.
I really hope to have a beautiful bond with my daughter because yes it is a fae child just like her mom, another pisces fae child ^_____^;;



sebastien darling brace yourself for the whimsy circus you'll have at home now ^_^;

- another good thing about pregnancy, I'm less vain;) ahah, naah I still love clothes and make up and all mind ya!
but I dont give a damn to wear what I found and feel comfy in and sometimes I go out with such a grungy eccentric style ,it makes me laugh;)
but who cares?

- I cook! Yes! it's not only pregnancy,but I am sure somehow I want to be a good mother and wife, to take care of my family, yeah a true desperate housewife;)

honestly I have always wanted to cook but I was not ready for it perhaps, right now when I cook dinner I feel like a grown up( laughing) it's so strange to me ;)
I just love food and eating, and there is creativity in cooking, and I can not stand routine, so the same for food!
I also want to cook healthy things for my child.
it pleases me also to please others with my food:)

- My faith in God(Goddess) is bigger than ever.
I believe in God deeply, in the angel, the good energies around us, the power of energies and how we attract like minded souls to us.
I have met lovely souls and made new friends, and I am happy of this renewal, always hoping for forevers in friendship:)
ephemeral is fine , we learn and discover a new world with others but when it lasts when we entertain the bond it's really interesting!
My faith is not like everyone, I don't go to churche, I do pray many different ways, I believe in Light mostly
I love Jesus.
Lately I have been more in touch with Saint Michael although known as Archangel Michael, I needed him to give me my energy back and wonderfully enough the next day I was feeling better.

I also talk with the goddess who protects women.

I never enjoy it when people say" oh you're pagan I dont believe in this, so maybe you will be bother, I am just catholic"

I do not care about this.
religion sucks mostly.
Faith is beautiful and it is good, powerful and whatever the God you're talking to, it does not matter.Even agnosticism does not matter.
sometimes you can have faith in something else.
What matters is to stay open minded, tolerant and never judgemental about this.

I have never understood the people who crash their opinions on you, especially when they dont believe at all and somehow they want to make you see they are right.
what is your point in doing so?
I do not understand.

But my faith increased this year right after my miscarriage strangely enough.
because I did feel surrounded by Love, the angels and God/Goddess.
I was not alone in this.
I have seen the way life is beautiful and how strong human being can be.
I have been able in this nightmare to find the lighted way to beauty.


My faith in God/Goddess have always helped me a lot and made me chose what was right.


well there is surely a lot more of good sides of this pregnancy:)
I am feeling more natural, like eating more healthy and being careful on everything I use,products to clean and cosmectics etc

I am thinking of the baby's birth and I want it natural too.
This is important to me.
just like my wish to breastfeed no matter what.
I hope things will go this way and be possible.



I still have to realise I am having a baby girl, my wishes has been granted, my dream will come true, it's gonna be the most wonderful day of my life.
I can't wait to meet her, to look in her eyes.
to see how she looks like.
We could not see much on the u/s.


We can be everything and unashamed of our emotions
we are not our emotions
we are not our behaviours
we are not our images
we are not what you see of us
we are more
we are less
we are beyond
and as everyone will keep misreading our soul
We cannot justify
But to avoid misunderstanding
let set things clear
I am but a human being like most of you (...)

that was my Halloween self;)


a painting of this summer that I finished recently
I don't like it that much to be honest

I prefer that one


I want to work on more twisted imperfect things
I want to keep working on the emotional
Emotions are LIFE.











these little girl pictures I did in June, make me even more eager to take pics of my daughter !

I want to scream her name, it's hard to keep the secret ahah;)


cowardice
betrayal
Lies
More lies
manipulations
Ego lickers(I do not need you)
perversion(shhh I'm a witch)
control freak(I'm untamable)
living in denial
using feminine empathy to trap my sisters
narcissus momma's boy(I wont lick your ass)
fucking lecturers " if you know me so well tell me which hand I use"
raging testosterone why punching X into the walls
I am not made of your rib

this picture is a part of an artwork project called" Soul Laundry"
I love how art is a way to express any and everything beyond your own self.
I look at the works I did I really wonder wow how did it come to me like this?
It's intense the moment of creation, you are guided
I always am amazed surprised and say "I did that?" " I wrote that?"
I keep wondering what were the muses dancing inside my soul at that moment.



knives, teeth, bat wings...
of course little sister I believe in the real men, there are good male souls out there but I have to share the eerie tale of what I have seen(...)
Beware little sister, sometimes sugar can rip your heart and they hide behind their poet or artist attire to better disapoint you, they know the best art of sweet dirty lies(...)


well I guess I should call it my new controversial and surely polemical set because it surely does not please everyone
but give me my free speech and go watch other art that fits more your personality while I indulge in the freedom of artistic expression.

I don't always take all the credit of my art work, I thank my muses and the invisible spirits who guided me through the post processing of my images.
It's magical when art happens.
but it's not just me. we are all co-creators always.
because good music is better to share more than once;)

I am very eager to get tori amos solstice new cd.
People are tiring about criticizing her on things that are absurd, like they are not able to accept she has grown spiritually and could go on and on in circle telling the same things, she's a mother now, she has more to say.
People think she's gone on the soft side, well I remember smokey joe and I dont believe this.
of course she's softer somehow, motherhood is wonderful for this, we are more serene and towards the loving than our anger.
but she surely have still some anger towards many things that revolt her.

and at this time of the year, after such a strange year, I am pretty eager to listen to her softness, it'll be beautiful and apeasing.

2009 has been a strange year in more than one way.
A lot of deep pain,disapointment, ends, and the most beautiful blisses.
I have tears in my eyes when I think of my daughter.

I feel it's such an intense bliss to me that I need time to welcome all emotions about this wonderful surprise.


Life with all its magic of highs and lows.

I could not believe it!
Sebastien is so happy too,he wanted a girl too:)
Something you've been waiting for so long is near to happen, you have to be responsible for it.
that fear of bliss you know,it could be taken away, it could go wrong if I am not careful about everything.
It's not pressure.
I just really want to give the best for my daughter like most moms want.
There is so many things I want to share with her.

My passions for words, poetry,mixed media painting,singing together, reading her stories I loved as a child, telling her secrets about grown ups ;)

I want to be able to remember my own childhood and also to make a difference with what is important and what is not.

well voilà for the news!
The best is to come always ;)

Live & love before it's too late!