Create a connection: Believing mirrors

So who are your believing mirrors?
Who are you a believer in?


that was the questions asked by artsymama and so here are my thoughts on this.

I think I owe so much to my believing mirrors the first ones were julie and Eva, soul sisters so no matter how sad I was that leave my world and offered me silence instead of true friendship I'm still grateful to them for pushing me and believing in my artist potential:)

they make me see the best of me,they make me remind my sparks, my uniqueness!
they make me believe in this dream so much more!

Now I have made new friends,and they are so sweet to me that I feel blessed for this!
I think friendship, when it's close and a real sharing, when we have contact at least once a week it's interesting, you get to know someone and they help you get to know yourself,see yourself clearer,challenge you!

Believing mirrors are also the persons I don't know and who supports or encourage my words, may it be with kind words,emails with wonderful compliment or by buying my work!

this means so much to me, I am always amazed,happy and so touched when someone come to me saying my art touches their soul,that they can relate, that it inspire them to make their own work :)

I have received so many sweet messages from unknown persons,I wish I had time to friend everyone and get to know them or their story,because I believe if someone is touch by my heart they get me, they can accept me as I am, they have similarities,same dreams or passions:)

I am very grateful for this, that's why I hardly understand when artists are snob and dont answer emails
you can say whatever, even if you dont have time you can finally answer a short message to thank people.
Maybe they are above this or too self centered?

I am busy and I surely have my own self centered days ahah but yes I do answer every messages, I do my best for this!
It can't be a one way thingy, nothing is one way to me!

who are you believer in?

I am a great supporter for my creative sisters out there!
I do think of me as a believing mirrors just because I understand others, I know we want to be seen and heard and we all need some encouragement whoever we are and how far we are we all still need them because most creative persons are sensitive ,they feel things on a higher level,more poetically,deeply...

Anytime someone comes and asks advice about their art, or how they could improve it or ask for my tips I'm glad to share!
I feel I have myself still so much to learn that it's beautiful and reassuring that I can share!

I believe everyone has a talent,it's maybe not innate, maybe it takes time to discover it,unravel,unveil it but when you're in there,when you finally see at what you can be good it's pure solace,it s sweetness of Bliss

I think if I was a shirt I'd be on the top " Yay I can do it' because I am so enthusiastic about art and I do trust my soul when I'm glad of the results and feel supported!
and on the back It'll be written' tomorrow I stop" with a very gloomy face, because I am ruined by doubts everytime,it's a rollercoaster!

Believing mirrors are there to slap you gently in the face or shake you kindly to remember yourself what is written on the front of your shirt!

Yay Sisters!!! we can do it we can do it!!!! ^____^and we'll make it!
thank you to artsymama for the inspiring post to think and write about .

what about dears? what would you answer to this?

it's a cycle

for those who can't read,tired eyes( teasing you dears ^_^) it's written:


In the strawberry fields
where the demons dance & the fairy bleed
I weigh the abhorrable aura of another me
In the strawberry fields
drowning in the scarlet gashes
May the Goddess soon remind me
the truth


Seed Feed Bleed & that I should never stop loving me


this is a sort of poetic impro that came to me yesterday as I felt the weight of that word: isolation and not only isolation from the world,or friends,or others, but isolating my self of my self,compartimenting my colors, not embracing,mixing and helping things find a so called harmony, a unison...

anyways,I should work on that poem if I have some time,sincerely I adore writing,I miss it but I can be a creative octopus even if I want to,I try hard,but I also want to give to others, I can't just have fun on my own,I want to share,enjoying passions,thoughts and emotions with friends out there ^_^



so today as you can notice a slight change,yes I'm feeling better and smiling
I have been more sociable,almost friendly...still a big thick heavy wood doors with hidden thorn if you go there ;oP but I have talked a bit more,participate a bit more

ahah I still feel all these things are too schoolish for me,but well I get more confidence about my project:)

Tomorrow is a day off, which I will ENJOY with all my heart ^______^big kawaii kitty smiles ;)
painting, wait for me! I am coming right back in your loving arms!
four days without a brush in my hands!
feels like death,especially when you have ideas dancing, and screaming,shouting:
"me me me me!!!!!"

to be listened,heard,written down,deciphered,thought of deeper and chosen ahah :)

I am feeling excited:) happier:)
I want to thank you for the wonderful comments and emails I got, I want to thank each soul who takes of her time to write to me,to want to know me,question me,encouraging my art, or just reassuring me:)
it means so much to me

I am stubborn and always kind of skeptic about people in general but I know some souls out there have a big heart and a lovely understanding that I admire so much!
this kindness is inspiration!

I got a lovely art trade today by Tina ^_^loved it!
I had forgotten how wonderful and exciting it is to receive art from others!

I know I also decided to do art to trade,to get inspired and share with others!

so my next trade will be with you Pattie? are you in?^_^
I dont know ,maybe a small collage/painting 4x4 or whatever:) let me know what you prefer!

I cannot trade art everyday because of course if I want to live thanks to my art I just can't.
but once in a while with wonderful and lovely artist it is interesting and very enriching!

I'm rereading vickie enkoff's zine,creative choices( an inspirational guide) and I really love the positive thinking in it, it's reassuring,encouraging

if you make art,you can submit it to her zine! even articles,I guess she'll be glad:)
It's a very interesting zine,well written and very honest,real like the things I like.

We should support art zines more and more!
they are so inspiring!

I also recommend magpie magazine and not only because I've been published in the first issue but this girl is very creative and sweet!
I remember how amazed I was to know her age!

I wish I had had internet at the age of 17 I would have had been on my artist's path earlier!!

okay it's late,I have again lots more to say, thanks for your kind words,comments & emails again!
It's really wonderful to feel I might belong to some community me the terrible outcast ahahah( kidding and laughing at myself)

I recommend singing OUT LOUD in your car when you have to drive to go to job or stressful things, it's wonderfully relieving!
I must surely look crazy or like the girl ready for american idol( in France= la nouvelle star ;o) but Goddess I had so much fun singing this morning ,very energetizing( not sure of the word here ;oP)

Many blessings,enjoy your day,be sweet to yourself!

ps: today there was a little girl at the gym class she was the company of her grandmother I guess,yes my gym class is for all age from 16 to ... and this little girl made me smile like a foolish cheschire cat,it's really in my heart, I adore children, I can't wait to have my own!it's such a gentle and warm feeling,they are touching inspiration and their innocence and smiles just move me so much...

in need of understanding and end of stress that would be nice!

I'm an emotion wreck...I take them all at once in the face and mix and shake and I feel drained.

I had a sweet family gathering this weekend, and it was so beautiful to see everyone,talking,laughing,enjoying themselves,being happy to alive happy to have fun together:)

I am so grateful to life for these moments, so precious
It almost makes me want to cry for I'm like this,I think of the end,when we'll have to part where will those memories go?

it's so sad,I'm but a melancholic bliss I'll never change for now!
I'm close to 30 I can't believe I'll ever change.

and it's the same for my panic fear to speak in public
the same for my introversion
I hate the word,for what does it sound like ?
being turned to the inside,to the self?

I am so turned towards others, it just doesn't show because I am a loner but I really am analyzing trying to understand human beings, trying to listen closely to everything they say
I try to bring something new,to offer from my soul

I'm an introvert not because I am scared of them or hate them
It's only a war between me myself and I

the same old war you know.
boring I!

Okay so we had a family gathering at my parents.
It was so lovely for me to see the little ones again and my sister of course!

I always enjoying meeting her but I just am detached from this now because I got used ,she lives away,we can t see a lot,that's life and I have to deal with that
So I have sort of teach myself this way.

detachement, but I still love her so much!
I wish we had more sister time and talks but family gatherings are noisy,laughters,and noise noise noise
ahah
It was very tiring for me too because I was all super excited and happy and I should sometimes calm these emotions because it's a lot of energy!
^__^



we played ping pong which was tiring too and more laughters because we all played so great oh my!!!! ^______^



I have taken lots of photos of Romain my nephew,William my smaller nephew was more difficult to catch ;-)





OH Goddess! you can't imagine how this makes me want to have a child even more
It was so beautiful to help my sister with the bath time and play with them, taking care of them,feeding little William, making them laugh

I want to cry again.

Today I had my first training day, I really have a hard time explaining this in English so to sum it up I'll learn about things to create my own business, all the boring things we need to know to make things work.

But only the first day was a lot of pressure,anxiety and stress.
I wanted to cry several times.
Felt back to the torture of school.

having to introduce yourself,speaking...oh my!
It was really difficult.
Yes people think it's nothing,it can't kill of course I know that...But I get all emotional and I feel negative about myself...

so when I came home after such a day I was ready to cry.
I'm thankful sebastien is so supportive and adorable as usual!

he is so patient,when I am so horrible!
I was complaining and swearing the whole day! awful me!

why do I act the way I loathe the most?
why can't I just be easy-going and zen?

I always isolate myself when I am in a group thing, it's just very not me the group thing
I dont know why I act this way

I'm not as opened as I wished I guess...maybe It is also due to the fact I am centered on my worries,on my anxiety,my doubts ,my stress and the fact I take my future seriously and that I fear failure!

It's so sad I haven't been able to make for 3 days now, and it's terribly sad for me...I just feel dying inside and I know I probably won't be able to do so before wednesday, well maybe tomorrow night who knows?

I have so many things to do, hope I wont get a damn headaches because of all this work and stress=(

doubting my project makes me doubt my art sometimes, not in the sense I dont like it but in the sense are people objective with it?I have to inquire on this field!
I need to know
sometimes I feel I'm worth it,I love my art, I believe in it more than anything and sometimes I just doubt it all

oh and when I admire other artists it's almost the end for me...I just want to cry before my work...and I wonder are they better than me or is it just because I admire so much that I end up feeling inferior?

Oh goddess I'm too naked here, I'm real but I shouldn't hurt myself more...

hope the fairies will grant me a good night of sleep with ethereal dreams of sweetness for I need that so much now!
I have more to say and better things to write and think about ,but right now I'm far too tired

I know that in spite of all my dreams,right now my real wish is to be a mother and I'm sorry if I disapoint some persons or some things in myself because of this.
this is my heart and it still matters more to my art.

Latest artworks & La metta, lots of sweet energies to all of you!

/>


I am fine, I am feeling sweet and enthusiastic ^___^
I'm feeling so alive again.
I don't really know what to think about my latest work,but I really enjoy my progress,I'm not an amazing painter but I'm improving and I get all excited like a fae child :-)

I have made new friends, or I am in the process of making new friends,soul bonds, I am savouring it!
This really makes me smile and it brightens my day to get a letter and emails everyday.

It's lovely.
I know some ties aren't meant to last for ever,but I really am thankful for the new creative and deep minds that have come across my path recently.

I thank you for your time and your delicate friendship!


The Buddha's Words on Kindness (Metta Sutta)

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech.
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied.
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm, and wise and skillful,
Not proud and demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in saftey,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born,
May all beings be at ease!

Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings:
Radiating kindness over the entire world
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

****************************************************

Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.-- Albert Camus

Sororal Utopia & the sweetness of craddling the thoughts in my attic

I'm thinking.

As if there was a day,a moment, a second without thoughts ;-) I'd wish for thinking vacations sometimes but I only can do that in laughters and they are short moments...anyways, make me laugh!

I have taken some steps backwards about the rejection.
I submit me them an artist profile and my artistic process.

nevermind,I've already self published myself in zines,been published in artitude zine and other magazines I am not ashamed,nor will this make me think that my art is not one of a kind ;-)


I have had an awful week,a very long week,with way too much lack of energy,sadness,self pity argh hate this so much:P

I hate when I feel I'm weak,vulnerable,too shy to make it,to still attached to my wrong beliefs,still to sick of the past and how I've been perceived and seen myself for too many years.

I have to go through these emotions and wrong belief to really re-construct my being.

It's not as if I hadn't done or succeeded at anything!
I'm so harsh to myself,I always come back to this stage when I have to prove my own self I'm worth it,I can do it etc

I don't have a gentle eyes on my soul,my thoughts,my actions,my way of loving,my way of complaining,my distance,my coldness and everything

I think way too much.

Emotions take us there. I keep on blaming them,but in spite of the hurt I've been walking on and pushing myself, digging deeper again to understand,to find new question and answers.

I always doubt my art, my soul. I am like this.
I also have my convictions, my faith, I'm just balancing that maybe.

I fear that if I never feel any doubt I'd be horrible ,I need to try and find some in between.
I wish I could be gentler to myself for a while for a change :)

I've written a lot of bullshit in my paper diary.
It didn't solace,didn't help me cry,but it was needed. I couldn't keep this inside, it was too heavy.

I haven't made art for a while. I will try to do something, but I needed a pause.
I needed distance.

I so understand these artist who would burn and destroy all their work out of insanity,anger,frustration,passion,all of a sudden...

but I remained quiet.I took myself on another path.

I think art is growing in me even when I don't paint. thoughts are dancing, tapping in the deep source of my soul garden...
I know I want to surprise myself and maybe I want to put off my wings,for a while, I want the ground.
I want the real feeling behind the fae child,the frailty, the candid sweetness that is often slashed by the delusion...

who is really Real?
when do we put our masks off?
what is our real honest dress?

I sometimes feel the need to hide my weakness,my tears,my fears...then I came across souls that reminds that it was useless.

we're the same in our humanity. We all can fear and doubt,need to cry,lament,complain or just feel understood.
I know that I take the responsibility of my reasons to live.
One of them is to share the positive thinking,spread the love,inspire, support my sisters out there.

Maybe I'm just the poison and the potion at the same time?
Maybe I just experience things in a deeper level to always be Bright,warm,shimmering and positive!

I'm often angry at the fact I have offered so much of my soul,my thoughts and kind advice and rare are the other human who came to me with such patience!

thankfully I was proved that you need to dare ask to see some human out there to give you a spiritual hug, to try and understand yourself, to feel somewhat less alone and lost in this universe.

Goddess it was such a comfort to see some Humanity!
I'm craving for that beauty!
I'm craving for a wonderful peaceful and supportive sister circle, where we'd all who'd just have to be REAL

no fake smiles, no fake wisdom
no half sincere listening and positive sharing if one day you just want to reduce the person to their complaints
because honestly we're more than this!

we just need to vent sometimes, maybe we use the wrong persons for this.
I think confiding weakness is precious and does not mean we have our strength,positive sides and weapons!

I do strongly believe in my weapons ;-)

I dream of a warm community of sisters where we would express without fear or guilt where we wouldn't have to refrain from sharing our innermost self for fear of misunderstanding, because everyone would be smart enough to take distance and we would live according to "sans jugement" philosophy.

we would listen and kindly hear
we would create sincere connection
it would not be just superficial "ohhh woow your soul is amazing I love this I love that" and then no sharing.just pure silence.
It would be real, tangible, we would all less alone!

I just loathe so much the superficiality in bonds, how people shower you with compliments, as if you were a goddess but they don't give a damn, they don't want to enter the sanctuary,and really know it all,really work on something that could be named friendship maybe ?
can they get away from me, I don't need that.
I love feedbacks & compliments but don't distort the word friend it's way too rare and precious to me. I honour this, I still search for this.

I'm ready to build.

never shower me with compliments, just love me as I am if you want to.
I am strong and weak as you are, I'm ugly and beautiful as you are.

I am me with pieces of you and vice versa.
we're ONE humanity aren't we?

I have so much more to say sisters!
welcome to my sanctuary of muses, welcome to my soul garden, make yourself right at home and do share do give & I'll be your friend for aeon.



I'm quite glad to re-socialize and give another try to find new penpal, to be able to write letters to like minded companions:)

I dont want to entertain and inspire I also want to be entertained and inspired! isn't this too much to ask?

I feel sweet, I came across adorable and beautiful souls that make me want to get to know.
I wish for lifetime connections.


“Half the pleasure of solitude comes from having with us some friend to whom we can say how sweet solitude is”
william jay


In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself. ~ Laurence Sterne

Nature has no love for solitude, and always leans, as it were, on some support; and the sweetest support is found in the most intimate friendship. Cicero


“Solitude vivifies; isolation kills”joseph roux

Solitude has soft, silky hands, but with strong fingers it grasps the heart and makes it ache with sorrow. Solitude is the ally of sorrow as well as a companion of spiritual exaltation.kahlil gibran

"For there is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather; To cheer one on the tedious way, to fetch one if one goes astray, to lift one if one totters down, to strengthen whilst one stands."christina rossetti

Promises Like Pie-Crust by Christina Rossetti
Promise me no promises,
So will I not promise you:
Keep we both our liberties,
Never false and never true:
Let us hold the die uncast,
Free to come as free to go:
For I cannot know your past,
And of mine what can you know?

You, so warm, may once have been
Warmer towards another one:
I, so cold, may once have seen
Sunlight, once have felt the sun:
Who shall show us if it was
Thus indeed in time of old?
Fades the image from the glass,
And the fortune is not told.

If you promised, you might grieve
For lost liberty again:
If I promised, I believe
I should fret to break the chain.
Let us be the friends we were,
Nothing more but nothing less:
Many thrive on frugal fare
Who would perish of excess.

Who shall deliver me? by Christina Rossetti
God strengthen me to bear myself;
That heaviest weight of all to bear,
Inalienable weight of care.

All others are outside myself;
I lock my door and bar them out
The turmoil, tedium, gad-about.

I lock my door upon myself,
And bar them out; but who shall wall
Self from myself, most loathed of all?

If I could once lay down myself,
And start self-purged upon the race
That all must run ! Death runs apace.

If I could set aside myself,
And start with lightened heart upon
The road by all men overgone!

God harden me against myself,
This coward with pathetic voice
Who craves for ease and rest and joys

Myself, arch-traitor to mysel ;
My hollowest friend, my deadliest foe,
My clog whatever road I go.

Yet One there is can curb myself,
Can roll the strangling load from me
Break off the yoke and set me free


I think I was feeling like these poems lately, I love christina,it's often so terrible and moving to know beautiful writer,poems and artist had to suffer so much.
I wish I could have been her friend!
I would have befriend sweet darling emily dickinson too and hug sylvia to let her know how beautiful she is!

(...) to be continued, happy Easter to those who celebrate,or whatever you celebrate( I dont celebrate this)

many blessings & may you be able to hear the sweetest voices inside your soul.

My desolate starry gardens

Landing on desolate stars.

29,7x42 cm

okay I really need right now to pour these words.

First of all thanks so much for the kind comments to my previous post it means a lot to get a feedback when you feel like a void...

so I got rejected for publication in a magazine.
I don't know why some other artist got published and what was so different because many of them add wings,hats and everything & so they are " too similar " too aren't they?

I got that sentence, that my art was "TOO SIMILAR" to some other artists they've published.

Yesterday I had a really awful day,with nasty emotions,headachy,I was numb and depressed,I was out of my skin, out of my soul and I really I couldn't bear looking at myself or just the idea of thinking,of thinking my thoughts.

I was angry at me and all my impotence.

and that lovely email just signed the death of my spirit

It was gone, really. I just went to bed hugging my love and feeling so grateful to God/Goddess who ever out there in spite of all the pain and sorrow I was so grateful to have sebastien in my life!

he really tries and understands me, he appeases my worries.

this morning the woman tried to explain to me that she didn't mean my art was like other artist but that the techniques were the same...

okay maybe.
I don't know why so many people always say then that my background painting is so original:












I haven't seen much people,making buttons women;flower women,clock women, tree womens like I do.


































so okay,sorry for the outrageous showing off of my art, but I don't see these painted background in other artist's art or why would there always be someone to mail me and ask me how I create my background?

Now yes maybe I don't invent techniques. I just recylce things,use any and everthing.

anyways I've learnt all the techniques I'm using all alone. I don't have any mixed media magazine,or books, I just can't afford them anyways.
and I also FEAR so much to "copy" others.

It's something that makes me feel bad. I totally defend and stand up for my uniqueness.
My art is my life ,saying it was too similar is very rude to me because it's then saying that most mixed media artist who creates fairies do the same thing,no imagination poor things they only can do fairies!

But what if we were just a community of artist who really loves myths and fairytales and want to share positive thinking through magical realms that can show pieces of who they are inside?

On top of that I know I do not only do fairytales things.
My art is not only the bright side of things, it's very real!

I also send them my artist process that was deep and very personal & it didn't inspire them to publish it, well then I'll have to go work and self publish myself!

I know I have to do that.

yesterday I was really shocked, not that I believe in myself so much that I though I'd be published, but yes I did believe my uniqueness striked.

bang! my ego was knocked down...the other one in me truly laught at myself, she said how pathetic I was to think I'd be published in that magazine!

then another one in me was full of anger.

Now venting solace a bit.

I will always assert my uniqueness, my sweet madness,what makes me be another unique individual who makes layered background,put wings and hats,and loves adding birds and owls in her art.

I know that whatever I have to trust my soul,my path and not give up just because it hurts to feel denied.

well today is another day,it's still morning here and I'll have to gather some strenght,tidy a bit,get washed and write some letters.

I have decided it was enough to stay away,bitter,cold & so aloof.
I really want to love, I want to be me, the me I love who wants to give,share and who can always see the lights in spite of everything that's real and violent.

I really have such a hard time to bear this so emotional and fragile soul I am.
words can bring me down way too much when I abandon myself.

I have to get stronger.
I have to rekindle my kundalini!

blessings and namasté, sorry for sounding arrogant, I was just devastated by that word" similar".

nothing but a percent of me, this negative side...

Radiate(available,ask if interested)



Ma robe d'ombre



Walking with Ganesha

These are my latest big artworks

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

I am alone so who cares?
It's just a part of this life,part of my being,part of my path here...

there are days I dance and twirl in the place of solitude, I found beauty in this loneliness,I grow,I learn,I evolve & I'm free.

and other days like today I feel I hardly can breathe.
Well maybe I just had a very bad night(evil migraine, couldn't sleep,nauseas,anxiety...)

I feel that solitude,the absence of connection & real building of friendship ties ,those which requires patience,time,loving kindness,tolerance,indulgence and so much work ahah ^____^
this absence is sometimes unbearable.

I really am often on the verge of wondering is it my fault?can't anyone really be interested in me or love me as a dear friend?

I don't know, I dont have much answers today,or most of them are bitter,cold and tired.
I'm a zombie today.

I don't really exist for anyone out there.
Yes I know my family,my sébastien ,my sister, they do care about me ,I just feel I have so much to share and wasting it,burrying it, not being able to find the like minded women to give this too...

I feel reduced to put ads to find creative sisters to which some immature bored people like to answer with irony, how beautiful...almost could disapoint you for good about the humanity what remains? where is Empathy?

I have received a letter today and it brightened my day,but yet these doubts " does anybody care?" still echo inside of me.

What about me?
Do I care?

Let's be honest I feel kinda disenchanted about relationship.
I always am ready to fall in love,those sweet liquor of soul infatuation but who can make these passion last?
It's a both way work...

I always want others to be happy even those I don't know,or those I read sad blog posts sometimes...
I always feel I would have that tiny spark to help them, to give to them something in order to remind them the lights,the ways...

I guess I'm the sick and the healer at the same time.
That's one of the reason I make art.
I talk about the wounds, the scars and sickness & I heal, I share, I bring back the colors to my blackened heart...

I am not so dark. I just dramatize my existence perhaps...

I have lived too many emotions,too much stress lately and it made me be rather cold...

still sorry about my misunderstanding with C. though I feel powerless with these things.

I am only talking about the negative energies of my daily routine because I focuse on this and because I feel heavy with silences & absence.
I just want to cry if only I could...just would give me another migraine,so not much of use...

I used to have so many interactions, so many comments at livejournal,I used to feel less alone, I also used to receive lots of letters and packages...Did I get used to these?
Did I think it was for real and would last?
I wanted too. I wanted to believe...

you know these delicate hopes, like honey like butterflies & soon charcoal blood trails...
believe in miracles!dare to be naive dare to dream...

Maybe I'm too hard to please to make friends for life?

Sometimes I found myself walking alone in the streets and saying to myself:
"you're so cold, you can not make friends because you don't have that key charm anymore...there's something broken,maybe even your lock is defective...
you're so cold & used to this reclusive life how could you love, how could you trust?
you're getting so cold..."

Yet I'm much more than this.
There are so many things in this life I don't trust,don't believe in...everything looks always so unreal,fake or uncertain you know...I can really walk on convictions roads...except in my own mind map...

there it is safe.

Not everywhere though.I still can trap my own .


I feel I immensely lack of ambitions. I am so passive.
Yes I work,I search,I do things but I always feel it's not enough.
I feel a leash or something that prevents me from giving more of myself,to people to this life to this world and sometimes I am close to think that anyways it's all pure nonsense, that everything is for nothing at all...

Goddess where is the positive thinker gone?who I am becoming?

okay...no drama,it is just the me of today...or several weeks ...I still can evolve and be a better person. a person I can bear...no really I love myself even when I'm so pathetic and need to vent into oblivion ,even with no make up and looking all sick and gloomy...
I love myself in spite of the venom I can bleed,spit and pour sometimes.

I have to forgive myself.

There was a time I felt I had nothing at all,then all of a sudden little by little I was surrounded,praised,loved,adored,sometimes almost worshipped at my lilacdeaddoll livejournal ahah

it was so cute, parts of me loved that and parts of me knew it wasn't real.
They only saw a side of me what they needed to see.

I have this certainty sometimes that everyone just go towards people to take something,it's for them, to be entertained,to be inspired etc...

Is it sincerely possible to love someone just for who they are?
not for what they can bring to us?

I wonder if one day there will be a person who will love my spark,my uniqueness,something free...

I love getting to know others,I think I really love people for who they are & not what they could bring to me.
that's why I'm so selective.
I used to have so called friends who would only spoil me with gifts and compliments.
Rarely did they share their soul,confide in me, talk about their inner world,share something about who they are...

Now some random confessions:

*)I suffer from raynaud disease which means I hurt from my joint fingers and have to wear gloves when I type,write or make art(except in summer thank Goddess!) but at the moment it really hurts and my fingers look really ugly and weird,kind of swollen :(

*)I really despise jealousy and envy as a human flaw and yet on my very very bad days when I feel deprived or small,or too weak, I dont know, but I envy...& I hate it.that kind of human feelings make me want to flee in the mountain or live in a buddhist temple and never see anyone anymore,live as an hermit

*)I love soul infatuation, being able to be fascinated by another mind,by their art,their sweetness,their kindness, something that touches me,resonates or inspires me!I would give so much to these rare souls but most of the time they don't give a damn...ahah...or yes maybe it is me who think so

*)I love brushes but I must admit that I give them very bad treatment, I can let them sleep in the water, I don't wash them at once...I don't like being so careless!because I'm really so glad when I buy myself a new brush!

*)I wanted to kill myself a thousand times at adolescence and till 25...Now I'm always recovering from these years of self hatred & sometimes I have that nasty tendency to see things in black or white only instead of moving forward into the different shades and find some colors down there.

*)I want to be a mother and hopefully a good one...this is one of my greatest wish in this life.

*)I can be easily scared and shy and ill at ease;but when I'm angry it just devastate all other kind of emotion...I feel strong,unbreakable...it's weird
I fear my own anger I think this is still to heal alas...maybe not I don't know...

*)I'm a cat person

*)I never iron anything, we're kind "boheme"here ;)

*)I hate the cold of winter but hardly can bear the heat of summer...yeah call me hard to please!

*)in public I always feel clumsy and ill at ease(when I feel self assured it's like maybe 7 days a year, but I do enjoy those rare days!)

*)I don't know whether or not I want to travel, I feel stuck by some fears...yet I dream to see Nepal and India before I die

*)I don't drink any acohol, except in food.

*)I'm learning how to draw, I had given up years ago and now more than ever I want to trust I can draw.It won't be klimt,Mucha,nor frida kalho but it will be me and surely it can only grow and get better with time.
I am actually working on a new painting about the weight of solitude...
I just adore drawing and painting,I don't know why I prevented myself from doing it...I guess I am like this, I procrastinate a lot,let sleep a thousand dreams, ideas and thoughts in my mind so it makes a lot of things to look forward;-)


*)I'm rather quiet & not very energetic...I am calm, walking slowly,doing things slowly( except the tidying and cleaning,I have to be active and quick for I have better things to do than chores)

*)I have a hard time understanding and I can't like people who claims they hate babies/children...it makes me feel ill at ease...they are so beautiful,precious, they can teach us so much! maybe I really see angels in the child spirits...I also see hopes, they touch my heart with their kindness,innocence and all these spontaneity...

*)I fear needles but I love acupuncture,it does help me lots with my back aches,migraines,stress and all the health problems I have.


*)I love doing gym and yoga but most of the time it reminds me my solitude,my isolation and how I can access others.

*)I am building huge hopes secretly for my moving...I dream to find true friend "here and now" over there,to go to yoga,buddhist conference/temples with,museums,concert,shopping,restaurant,someone creative to really be able to share with...someone who could accept me entirely as I am(doesn't imply loving my flaws ahah but not wanting to change me,I just cannot bear this!)

*)I feel I'm here to share lights,positive energies,spread the Love and when I feel sad and negative like today I just feel so sorry & kind of ashamed of my weakness.


well I can think of anything else...I am thingking about going back on atcs maybe, and even trading maybe...I always thought they were too small and I hadn't anything to put them in etc,excuses...maybe I just don't like working on such small shapes...
I think I could experiment new things this way,get more artful freedom!

I always think I'd like to use oil painting but I'm not sure it's for me for it has to be washed at once or else the brush is dead, and all the chemical products that stink I don't enjoy it much...maybe later when I'll have a real art studio of mine and that I coudl easily ventilate.Only the smell of gesso or certain cheap acrylic get me sick...

well I feel a little better now, off to my paintings, please if you read share some confessions with me so I can get to know you a little better :)

Blessings***