Goodbye Houdan Welcome New Home, New Life!

The waves of words under her feet cold as ice
she crawls remembering what the night told her
Intellectual starvation snow snow snow and dead leaves no wonders
the land of pebbles and moss green so called friends
can you hear the eerie conversations by the woods
I know they pour some fog in each of her cup of tea
so she can never read the lines hanging to the dying trees
I hear them weeping
She lies by the willows lake on the muddy grass
can you feel the tiny rinds of lemon thoughts in between each of her breath
can I sleep at night
The shadow will vanish
Something like a mental yoga
close the windows of your Spirit and repeat the words
"Rush rush river of the great oblivion hush hush all of her secret daemons"
Exhale some poetic mist entangled with wintery tears
so drowsy like a book with a torn cover
dust on my side thorns in my hands
She is by the woods going to find the celestial elevator
I am sure all loads can be lifted
one day you know one day at time
communing with the hands of the meanest old clock(...)


We are moving and I am so eager to be there, all settled:)
But I love the beginning, tidying, cleaning,purifying the energies in the apartment, and baptizing it with incense and white sage.
Making it our new Home.
I will also take the time to "create" the baby room :)
I am not going to do something over elaborated, but to make some little decorations, I have plenty of ideas and new inspirations but I will need to be settled to begin ;)
so right now I have to be patient.

It is no fun at all to live surrounded with the mess in a small apartment!
But I am super happy because our new home will be bigger ^_____^
we will be able to breathe and have more space and it was much needed!

I am also thinking of "getting rid " of some old art of mine to have more space and also to give the chance to people with not much income to buy art ;)
so it will be something like PAY WHAT YOU WANT art sales but I haven't had time to organised this eheh so if anyone is interested in an old artwork of mine
let me know your price( of course you pay the shipping cost!)

helene's mixed media from 2005 to 2008

or some of these are available too:

>Mythology project artworks

well if there is something you like at my fairyattic.free.fr you can let me know your price and if it's available it'll be yours :)
with the moving and all things we will need to buy some money will be more than welcome!

Then later I will close my shops and make art for the sake of art Passion, love, magick,spirit, soul and all :)
and this is something that reminds me freedom is a state of mind!

I am surely going to find out what has to be kept and what I want to get rid of or stop.
September was really a month of frustrations and delay with the moving that got me rather stressed which of course in my state is not good at all ;)

Plus I am still sick and can't sleep so well at night even though I'm in the second trimester...some days it's depressing especially when the sun does not shine (makes me worried about seasonal disorder!)but I know I have to remember the blessings in this situation.
I would not say it's wonderful to be pregnant at the moment but I am eager to feel happier about it and especially healthier.
But really I just can't wait to meet my baby!

I shall know the sex of our lovely rainbow baby in november.

I know once I'm settled I will go back to old passions like penpalling more, making true friends this way, I also will try to write zines again!
I have missed that!
if you're a zinester and write literary/poetic/thought provoking,faery,artsy/personal zines and can send me a pdf of it or want to trade zines, it'll be my pleasure :o)

But I have to work on this, it's been ages I haven't done zines!
I have created Chameleons sighs/Blank Pages girls/Lost and found( a one shot zine as imaginary letters)and a small kind of atc zine...but alas I can't find the pdf of them...I will search maybe I can, but anyways the thing is that they were written from 2005 to 2006 I guess and my English has much improved since that time, because I remember reading them and feeling so embarassed!
;)

I also want to learn to sew soft toys, cutie monsters and all but I suck at sewing and I have no patience for this, so we'll see how far I can get with this new desire;)
I have found some interesting templates(not sure of the word)but it's great and will help me, now I need to find cheap fabric online and cheap felt :)

I also want to make a felt beads necklaces with other accessories I have it in my mind, I so hope I'll manage to make this:)
I'm not good at jewelry making either.
That's why I mostly bought from Indie artist at etsy ;)

I want to keep on trying recipes and improving my cooking and at the moment I'm kinda glad of what I'm doing;)

I must admit I have become a food obsessed ^___^
but maybe I have always been, I love eating even if it does not show and even if I'm pregnant and still have the morning sickness and not a big apetite still.
The good point in this is I haven't gained much weight for sure, though of course my belly shows and I find it rather lovely ;)

I think it's because I watch those things on tv about food, great cooking and it inspires me :))) I think cooking is an art and eating is a real pleasure:) till it's healthy and with moderation;)

Anyways my tastes have changed a lot. I used to be such a sugar teeth and now I mostly prefer salty things, or maybe sugar/salty things.



I was so honoured and happy to be chosen by Michal to make her poster and flyer for a music show in NYC!
I cannot wait now for her to take pics of the poster in the streets there:)and of course to watch the videos of the show:))
I think it's something really cool ,it's the second time my art will be in New York!
(I did an art show there at the APW gallery)


become a fan of Michal here:
www.facebook.com/michaltowber

and you can listen in free stream many of her great songs!

voilà:)
That's all for now!
Life's great we are granted some more days of summer sunshine which truly brings a smile on my face, I had a lovely chat with an adorable friend(and penfriend) this morning which also brightened my day, my love is so adorable everyday that it also makes me feel so blessed and lucky to have him by my side , can't wait for us to explore our new place!

I won't have internet for some time, which will be great because I will need time to clean tidy and make the place looks like home:)
ha! we will do things right this time, no more mess ;)( can you believe this! :o)
anyways I am spending less and less time on it, just this week maybe more because everything is in packets and after cleaning the apartment here, there is nothing much to do, hmmm maybe I can cook some bread or brioche? ;)

naah I know I still have some things to pack and other to get rid of.

I won't pay for the mail to be redirected so if you need my new address(mostly penpals) please let me know, I have already sent it to some of you but I surely have forgotten a lot!

****Blessings and Bright light****

Blessed be Michael Jackson!Blessed be for all the years you made us Dream,Sing & dance!

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland


Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality. ~Emily Dickinson

Oh precious Emily, I cannot more agree with you dear!
You that I never met you are loved and thus immortal to me like a sister I have felt so close to.

We really have to LIVE & LOVE now.

love that video so much
so moving.

I do believe in a continuity though but still it's better to enjoy this lifetime, this experience in this body and this life to the fullest so we keep learning, growing for even greater future existences, other kind of experiences and maybe even other kind of dimension.

Death is not stopping.

I couldn't help crying, how could I?
And what for?
I am an emotional and hypersensitive person and whatever my beliefs are , death is sad.
It brings nostalgia,so many memories,a time of our life and also the fact the person won't create anymore.

And creation, art of any kind is something utterly meaningful to me.


There are those people who've somehow became associated to your childhood, your good times, the holidays in car across the country or even to Greece or Turkey with my parents and friends.
Ha! the lovely 80's and early 90's!
Loveliest time,carefree and somehow things looked realer than now maybe because of this pure feeling that we didn't need much at that time.

We knew how to be happy with what we had, then everything happened at once, and the more we got new technology and new things the more we wanted new things in every fields of our life.
That's perhaps why our era sounds so soulless.
Maybe I'm just a nostalgic or whatnot.
Maybe I'm just aging.

But is it a lie that children are lacking innocence nowadays?
everything is told to them way too early, we prevents them from dreaming longer, from enjoying this carefree time and from believing in magick, wonders and all.

Call me idealistic.I'm proud of it.
I will always believe in faeries and I am not the only one.

I feel I am so aware of the way our societies have been, we always see this.

When watching Pekin Express( a sort of real tv show about a race around Asian countries which is a very human kind of tv show according to me)we see that, how people in those poor countries are so more welcoming, how they invite people to sleep or eat in their home, while we are all barricaded in our home, to protect ourselves, we're all suffering from the ambiant stress and general mistrust because nowadays everyone can become a killer.

It does not mean I am hopeless about this world, of course not.
Just keep wishing we would all be more human.
I am often criticize on my big mouth, my being so damn frank and my expressing my anger.

But I am real and so human.
Utopia by alanis M.
this is still one of my most favourite song, because of the beauty purity and energy it has.

And I do believe that this mourning the Great Michael Jackson we are all united in this sharing of sorrow, of knowing how we're gonna miss him.

I kept for several years hoping he would do another album, something brand new!
He could have! He definetly could have blown us away once more!
He did so many times.

He made us dream, feel good, sing in car trips, laugh, dance.

I remember when I was ten years old I was deeply in love with him!
I even fell in love with a boy that to me looked kinda like him, maybe he did.
I remember he would brush his hair like Michael in songs like Billie Jean ;)

Billie Jean
I still sing out loud in my car when listening to that one I must admit!shameless!
But how not to want to dance and sway while singing that song ^_______^
it's full of a great energy!

I loved dancing listening to Michael Jackson, I loved his trick!
It should have been a shocking things but for children we often laugh at this and loved immatating him with my brother François.

we were fans.
Even my parents!
I believe especially my father, who would put up the volume whenever there was a Michael Jackson song on the radio and sing out loud.
I believe I kept that habit from my father (laughing)

I remember my girl friends at that time always told me and thought my father was so cool because he would sing Michael Jackson
But I was not close to my father at that time.
Yet when we shared this passion for M J we were together, united!

I love how Music has definetly this power to heal the world, to spread such a wonderful energy that people commune together.

Black or white

I have some tapes where I recorded my voice and my best friend of childhood D. when we were singing " Heal the world"
we were about 12/13 years old and we were just learning English,so it was cute to hear our accent!
I would love to listen to this tape now but Modern world I don't have any tape players anymore but in the car, then it means I'll have to throw away memories?

These memories were precious to me.
There are on these tapes the moments of the unique time of my life when I still loved my younger bro when he was a baby.
Then this love died away or turned into hatred, but as Hatred is useless I decided it Ignorance was bliss.

Bad

Yes I am not a perfect person I am a human being.

Smooth criminal

Michael Jackson has rocked my childhood.
I believe I have loved singing and as a child and teen I would sing with him all the time ;)
then I loved Kurt cobain early too ;)
but I still loved MJ at the same time.
Later around 13 I had a passion for Lenny Kravitz ;)

Music has always been a passion since I was born;)

I have a picture of me being about 5 and with big earphones of the 80's listening to rock music!

Music is a healer, a smile on your face when you don't feel good.
That is why we look up to those stars, they really make a change in our life.
It's not just being fan insane and wanting to know what they ate yesterday, I am not that kind of fan, I don't care.
I am an admirer of artists and have always been.

Heal the world

I love people who are true givers, who have this beautiful energy to share, to give Blissful emotions to others, the ones who make us dream, who Inspire, who spread the Love and hope!

I have always loved that and will always.That is always what I aspire to, to make people dream, to inspire, to keep creating with pure love energy and to spread it around.
This said I'm not comparing to those genius I admire, but I believe we are light wavers to unite this humanity, to awake the humanity in others, to make them Feel again and remember.

What truly saddened me is that Michael Jackson had been dragged in the mud for so long, people only wanted to criticize him and he couldn't be free at all.
yeah the kind of same attitude towards famous people like with Britney spears.



How honoured and impressed must Britney have felt on that day!
She has been blessed to sing with him really!


In the closet

People well mostly paparazzi have to spread shit on the hero, on the people who are so admired around the world.
Is it just envy?
Is it just money?

I also am quite aware that people will keep making joke even about his death of find ways to criticize, insult who they think he was and whatnot.

I wonder how these people sleep at night.
No dreams anymore for them.

It's definetly okay not to be a fan or even that MJ's music is not your cup of tea but then don't try to tarnish his memory what's the point in that?
Would you feel better then?

I will never believe MJ would have abused or hurt a child. Never.
He may have depression and a strange closeness with children right.
I also believe he was so rich that people would have done anything to ruin him getting some.
Whatever his personal life or his problems I think we love an artist not for his private life that should be none of fucking business!
We loved him because he made us dream and we all should have been perhaps more grateful for this instead of throwing him in the mud on the public place!

why you wanna trip on me

I am sure I am not the only today who is heartbroken by this death and who will live with this sweet feeling of nostalgia.
I am sure a lot of people on this planet are crying because of Michael Jackson's death and have those childhood stories to share about him.
I believe it's beautiful.

I truly hope they will make a real deserved homage to him on tv to remember, to mourn, to sort of say goodbye till later!

You know I would have a hard time believing a child of the 80's cannot have a memory with an MJ song:)
If you want to share with me some of your memories or thoughts about this death , please feel free.

You know he will surely be for us like for instance the death of John Lennon was for our parents.
A tragedy, somebody who will be missed and still admired long time after his death!

And I listened to John Lennon as a teen so I believe I can imagine my children(when I'll have her)listening to MJ one day.

We all dig in our parents musical past.
Especially when Music is a real important thing in your home, it has always been like this with my parents.

For sebastien and I too, music makes us feel good and inspired!

I wish I were in L.A now to be able to be their for MJ's funeral, not as a morbid desire, but to feel the love of humanity.

Why each terribly sad event of all kind unite us is not a mystery. Empathy is what make us HUMAN.

Empathy is the greatest LOVE on Earth and one of the Purest.



With all he did, with all his care and involvement, I can only believe on top of being an amazing and one of kind artist that a lot have imitate or got largely inspired by, he was also a Beautiful Soul.

The kind of person who is commited and don't only thing about life in pink or himself.

I wonder what Tori amos will express about this death, I don't know how at all what she thought about MJ.


Nobody will ever sing or dance like him.
He will be remembered and missed a lot.




He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran



Blessed be Michael Jackson, peace out to all his fans and the people,friends and family who loved him true for his art and humanity.

Despairelation?

"dora. [deleted] says:
what really depresses me? and if i say that sometimes i just come over so miserable, so sad... without a reason... going deep down and down... and if i say that even these moments give me pleasure, bring enjoyment... is there a reason why i'm so depressed now? why i'm veering between these depressive like moods and total elation? or maybe it's because i'm so self-centered, always in need to play a leading part and getting down when i get the role of a secondary importance?

i'm depressed 'cause i give more than i receive, 'cause i can't make my dream go on, 'cause i want to hold on to sth that will never come to my expectations...
i'm depressed 'cause the reality is much more different than i've imagined...
i'm depressed 'cause i did things i didn't want to do...
and i'm depressed 'cause i regret things i could have done but i didn't...

and i stop being depressed when i have no time to think about all these stuff.."


This is kind of copyright infrigment to take those words and use them here, but the day I saw those words at flickr around last november I felt such an echo in those words.
Somehow I could relate to Dora.
I could feel her soul. Her sorrow and I don't know who she is at all, but I hope she's feeling better off by now, though with such emotions, it's hard to find a real repose.

I loved reading her words.
she inspired me. I will surely write and paint on Dora, the Ghost Muse.

somehow easier to love to the ones who don't exist, imaginary friends,muses and all than the real ones who can cut you through & leave the most damage.

I say so but my heart is sick enough and unafraid to love more which is why I'm here.
you don't love? then you die.
easy as that.

I felt there was so much of her soul in this, I felt she was the friend who could understand me as I am with my extreme sides.
You never know where I am.
A moment I run with kisses in my arms the second after I only have cuts everywhere and I'm falling apart.

"My name is Hélène and I'm a non anonymous neurotic artist..."
"good evening Hélène!"
clap clap clap.

quietly trying to laugh.

I read somewhere a photographer saying: I'm a cynical with an idealist heart.

that's so true.
I often think cynism is ugly, hopeless and oh my , most of the time I want to turn the neck of these people.

I've had cynical friends.
I stopped being their friends.
I could not hear them anymore.
I wanted to slap their face and say shut the fuck if everything is so bitter and hopeless go die and leave us alone, let us keep finding some hopes and lights, let us do what we want to do , let us be mere humans!

I am depressed lately.very.
The more I hide it, the more it swallow me all, the more I get back to the most cynical inside of me.
It's my Adah's side.
The anger.

that's a real banshee howl.

When sebastien turned on the tv tonight I wanted to scream at the top of my voice.
I don't want to see that.
I don't want to hear that.
Fuck! how does this gonna change my life? how can I help the suffering there?
I can not.
shut this fucking box of crap off!

I try to be as much sincere as possible but sometimes I just don't know how to explain to my dearest friends how awful I feel inside of me because the day after I giggle or am elated for details, for nothing at all or everything.

I wanted also lately to be more private.
to hide my real life to people because it pisses me off how people talk about you.
I admire my friends who keep their private life for them.
I don't mind to share my happy moments. My loved ones.My family.the real me.
But I'm reluctant at talking about my winter depression...
My friends ask how I feel with such enthusiasm that I don't know what to answer.

either I ignore the question or I answer what I think they want to hear with the sound of the truth.

I believe people think you, I, are not allowed to be depressed.
No reasons.

I'm beautiful, so beautiful!
that's what I hear most everyday, yeah my ego can be licked but you know the thing with ego, the more you lick the bigger it goes...kind of cynic erotism ahah
it's past midnight I'm allowed.

ego is our male side I believe.
I have to part things, to be at peace with my sides.Siva.shakti.
destroy.rebuilt.cut through.nurture.
fall.spring again with lights.

It's so hard.

I've been crying so much in december.
some days I felt I reached the bottom of hopelessness.
This feeling. this void. this sight.
it was something stiffling.

but I'm beautiful thus unallowed to feel the way I feel right?
and if I acknowledge how sad I'm feeling inside right now that will make me be seen as week and it'll be equate to my work and I'll keep that so hard to leave label of the sullen girl.

It is true that I still can be hurt by those people's word.
I'm not just a photograph.
and beautiful? what does that mean in the end?

I love beauty myself so much that people can end up thinking I'm but vain when they love to hastily sum up my self.

I can be summed up, I can be label, I can be cut through, I can be seen as whatever the fuck people want to see me if it makes them feel good.
I don't give a shit really.

I know there will always be people who can understand and those who cannot enter your garden.

I thought I had to protect myself.
but whatever you see, I am more than this or less than that.
what you see is not me, but what you see of me, the way you look at me.

I also believe that if some people come here and read and enjoy the fact I am feeling sad then good for them, they dragged their asses here, means anyways there's interested.



We don't need your small god
Hell man go on your ego cruise and stop ruining our parade
with the boring ever heard I see through you
Watch yourself in the mirror and don't bother me with the light I lack off
Those who are they a bunch of parasite in my attic
blindfold my eyes
I don't need your crutch
I even walk much better barefeet next to the ravin with my ravens
I don't need to be stappled with your virtual paper wings flattery
why do you spend so much of your time to cut our fineries
why do you spend so much hours mocking our masks
Who knows the vacuity behind your own

****

I also believe that it's not depression that makes the art better.
I believe we are somehow depressed because we are artist, poets, thinker, deep souls and it's just something we can't avoid.
our brain never pauses.
thoughts run faster, moods too, everything is alive, so alive and we can feel and see everything with more acuracy that we express things with depths.

for some it's seen as intelligence, for me it's mostly emotions.
perhaps intelligence of emotions.

Or we just go play the game in the real world and fake it, many people can after , why not I?

I'm gonna feel better soon I know.


the words that goes with this image:

dripping stains what a scene
theatre of dreams of the obscene
Now that I'm dead where do you repose your soul
where do you breathe
Non existent wistful absolute
I am crawling on the walls towards the dissolute

come on you all made of careless paper arms
I had to murder my babies to stop hearing
all the rivers poured for nothing
How could I heal more How could I bleed more

was the food for the dust creatures never enough

I don't want to read that you need to read me
I dont want to live in your book
when I rest my head on these harmful pillows where the dreams never sleep
I nightmare and I scream how much I abhorre

will my sanity keep me walking amongst the blind ghosts
To be able to feel it all in this forest of grins
sordid manor of the chains where we only hear the hands

the clock of my heart is bleeding molasses
in the room next door with the drawn tattered curtains
another one begging for kisses
my soul my hell my vision of the cliffs
my transparent dress of bruises
is it real tell me is this real
are we only this
should we belong to this void

give her another ice lake to escape
speed your infatuated poison in my veins so I can't flee no more

all this cries makes me suffocate and I keep myself warm
to the cold walls of my attic
better off in the dark
better off even stark
Everything's lost even the words
even the sound of her voice
can you scream now
can you peak me now

all the slashes won't disappear
you can cut your head off
threadbare my heart
I am so alone at 00:00

come on you all with the glaring sounds
piercing our ears
oddities of the most melancholic lust
he repeats this is adoration
with her nails on the wallpaper

My eyes in the frame
still lifeless
a well of knots with devouring words
something to make you fall
something to show how unholy I am

there's no glue strong enough to mend your pieces
after my words

my hands on the cover
feeling braille
what the hell do you want
tell me which slice which cell which particules
No doors no bars anymore
it's all for nothing at all
help yourself
eat more than you can
talk your mouthful
of my dearest darkness(...)

**********************

I believe that art will keep on saving my soul and rincing all the stains of emotions I am trying to deal with lately.


Peace & Blessings to you.