9

I guess it's surely my last post before Nina's birth.
I am so emotional that I will perhaps need time to share my thoughts and photos of her, but I am so eager to see life in her eyes!
will she have her so beautiful dad's light colored eyes? I hope so but for that I guess we'll need months to be sure!

When I think I'm soon going to hold her in my arms everyday, it's pure bliss, it blows my mind...for everytime I hear a newborn's cry, see a baby smile, hear them laughing, I feel this emotion in my heart, I am going to be a mother...

It's something I am going to be passionate with , a role in my life I will honor and celebrate!
I am so happy God!

I am even happier that this happiness is shared with so many people, that it does not locked me in a bubble, it makes me spread more of my self, it makes me have more love and sweetness to share.
It makes me relate with all moms to be or young moms.

All along this pregnancy I have been able to create new and beautiful friendship bonds which I hope will last and blossom!

Nine in the number.
My love and I celebrated our 9 years anniversary with all the turmoils and beautiful moments we've lived I'm amazed to be there now, 9!already?
And today I am beginning the 9th and last month of pregnancy with the intuition Nina will arrive earlier( but maybe it's only my big desire and impatience now that is talking...naaah it's my intuition :P)

Anyways, she will arrive in two or four weeks, we'll see, but it really sound so little now and I'm going to live this amazing moment, I am going to share this most beautiful day and all these special emotions with my love and family, it's amazing!

I am tired on and off, I was feeling good on sunday.
We took the excuse of Valentine's day to celebrate our anniversary again ;)and went to the restaurant!

I wanted for Valentine's day to create some artworks for my friends and random act of kindness:)I went back to my first love for mixed media collages, playing, cutting,glueing, scattering glitter :))
it made me happy to made those and I still have about 3 to create but not sure if I'll be able to.





I also have edited friends photos and wrote some inspired poems, here two beautiful selfies by Sara:


Sara's secrets
like shedding petals and glows from the boughs
The most beautiful Princess wearing her shadow
wet feet in the blue puddles she plays
Reading words and names the trees reflect
Sugary child like magic
Like springtime in her eyes
Behind her the winter layers & snowflake tears
When they are all frozen
You will know what they have written
And light oh so Light
Sara will wander
In the poem Gardens
She will shout her colors
Pigment of truth
fearless ribbons of all her emotions
She will be heard and understood
And her Soul will rebirth
(...)




hat's on if I show you my feminine frailty how will I be taken seriously
Make a wish
hat's off if I show you I am a man how will you allow me to cry
hold the leash
If I look at myself in your mirror I will never dare to be me
Along the forest to my core
my soul is open and sore(...)

two pictures of the beautiful Lindsey:








Bipolar lands
Such an frozen ocean of dichotomy
streams of masks
dress of lace and leather
Entertwined emotions in each threads
Can I breathe again
Eyes wide closed
I see the core
Who am I when they dance around me
Nature spirits and reminiscence of antique stories
vintage photographs around her dead body
Winter was never the season
bitter snowflakes on my tongue
I read the heavens truths
How we all wander in the woods to find the words to tell our life
our lies our strifes
From sunshine caroussels to dirty graves
From enchanting fae nymps chants to dreary escapes
We walk through our own stories
Trying to recollect the pieces of who we are who we were
Hoping to catch a glimpse of everything we can be we could be
treading on so many perhaps
Chocking the maybes
Never believing in our glow
unable to love each day the way they are
Running from orchids hills
Falling on slopes of chills
our wraths our lures
our paths our vultures
The crow songs always so mesmerizing for the melanchollia in me
enemy
cradling my dreams how to grow in the mud
Photophobia
Wearing my favourite little black dress
the same one for so many years
Pelted soul with cosmic storms
Twirling with my delights devoring the days when dark shines
collapsing in the decaying books of hopes
Too many birds
have lost feathers
My personas my loveliest sisters
Alter ego queens of thistles and dandelions
Swallowing dust biting clouds
hanged to the silver lining
Forever changing with moired colored worlds
Always the same with a keycode heart realm
(...)



little heart
little bird
let me sing you my soul springtime
Sugarplum
sweet pie
let me me show the moonlight
The nest is ready
My arms wide open
The garden feels so alive
Overflowing with flowers and vines
I think of you day and night
Still no face on so many sweet names
baby love my lovely rainbow
Your precious energy has healed me within
The day of your birth
The woman in me will be born again
We will spread our wings together
Pouring glitter on one another
Humid eyes
We will feel home again(...)

***


























this one is surely one of my favorite pregnancy picture because really it was not easy to do this bubble shooting, I always had to jump on the bed, blow bubble and try to get ready to be a minimum photogenical ^____^
but it was definetly worth it, my last shooting of my pregnancy, as now I wont do no more, I am waiting for Nina to be my new favorite model :))♥♥♥



I love that one too, I look more like a woman than a babywoman, it's different :)
and I'm so in love with my rainbow jade necklace!

and this is a series I have enjoyed so much doing, it came to me all naturally in a early morning day and it was a real cool feeling to do weird and disturbing images in between the sweet ones :)
It was inspired by IRM, the song written by Beck and sung by the wonderful Charlotte Gainsbourg









when I listen to that song I just feel like singing and dancing:))it's very fascinating and it carries me away:)



I look more child like on this picture and I love it:




On Valentine's day I wanted to talk also about Asian New Year, because my mom's mother was from Vietnam and in my childhood we used to celebrate this and I loved it so much, especially the food, the beautiful show with the vietnamese singer always so pretty and well dressed like princesses and the chinese unicorn that fascinated me as much as it scared me if it would pass way too close to me ^___^
the music of the drums at that moment can be impressive for children ;)

I really hope later to go to a vietnamese New year show again, just to share this with my Sebastien and my children so they can see a bit of what I am made of.
I have all these memories and it's sad that in her last years my grandma was not nice at all, because it would be easier to remember her with love...I still can remember the time I loved her of course, during childhood, she was a really great grandmother taking us to funfairs, buying us delicious candies and cooking oh so good vietnamese food but not only!

I am going to learn to cook more vietnamese food this year.

I wish a wonderful year to all the vietnamese community and all the asian people!
This tiger year's gonna be oh so bright and beautiful!

I love to say that Nina will be a little tiger fish(pisces)
;-)
It's going to be real ,she's going to be there oh so soon now.
Yesterday seb and I went to a birth class,it was interesting :)

we are going again on friday, I love that because it makes more time shared with my love :)
and it's really wonderful to have been able to share this pregnancy beautiful adventure with him all along these months, yeah of course not always so beautiful, remember the so cool nauseous morning ^_______^ahah

Today I have the visit of Vanessa and her little Thiméo, which is going to be nice.

I miss my parents! yes. Yet I have dreamt of them so bad, nightmares, quarrels and all. But mostly these last days of pregnancy I am having stressful nightmares, nothing ugly or bloody but with negative emotions, worries...It's very exhausting!
and I keep waking up every hour.
So now my sleep is totally broken.

but maybe it gets me used to this if I have to breastfeed Nina every hour,we'll see that.
I am eager for this to begin, to see how it feels, to create a loving bond with her!
I so want to be close to my daughter, to get to know her deeply, to understand her, to be there for her anytime in her life, to listen to her closely, to awake her spirit and share with her my passions for art of any kinds, for words even for cooking :))

I so want to be careful to do things right so she became a beautiful soul with a kind heart.

As for Valentine's day it's not really something I celebrate in the commercial way(except for the restaurant, but it's such a pleasure ^______^ I love eating out, I also love discovering new food, new restaurants!)

but V day is an excuse perhaps to remember all the people we loved and/or still love.
The dead for instance.

And to live with awareness of the blessings to have so many loved ones around us, our family, friends, sweetheart...

I said this year was going to be the year of Friendship because it is love too!
but finally it's going to be the year of Love beautiful balance: family and friends.

Of course people who are single on that day can feel a bit lonely, as if life was not good to them, I used to feel that way, before sebastien I've had many lonely V day.
But we have to keep hoping and loving, may it be ourselves or all the things that generates this wonderful feelings inside us.
we don't find answers in having a boyfriend,fiancé or husband, we don't feel more complete in getting married etc not even less lonely, because somehow we still have some time alone and it's better to be able to enjoy oneself alone and love ourselves.

The key is inside us, we find a love balance in being at peace with everything we are and can be.
When we have found home and love inside us, we can spread it around and the universe will respond in time.

keep loving & believing!
You are love and loved.

Blessings & namasté,


Someone who goes with half a loaf of bread to small place that fits like a nest around them, someone who wants no more, who's not themselves longed for by anyone else, that someone is a letter to everyone. You open it. It say, Live. - Rumi



ps: and here you can ask me anything :o)

Once A Fae Child Mother Always A Fae Child Mother

I want to believe we all do the best we can.

To show we care.
To help others.
To show empathy.
To offer some kind help/words.





I love " almost rosey"
this is the way life is most of the time when we accept all the pain we can go through, somehow perhaps we have to go through these pains to understand, to keep learning and growing as spiritual individual.

I always try my best to improve my humanity, to listen more, to developpe my understanding and empathy and yet at times it's true it's very heavy.

Not as if I was carrying the pain of the world on my shoulders, I have moved on from that thought.

Maybe sometimes in the confusion of feeling too much empathy we have to keep on carrying love and receiving Hope.




I believe in that.
we cannot give up on our dreams or then where's the fun?
I remember having been told to live in a wonderland being too dreamy but this is what has taken me there, where I am and truly I am grateful to myself that I've kept dreaming, that I have not denied or abandonned my self, my inner Fae child.

It's important not to betray yourself.

I am always wanting to be more sincere, more honest ,fair to the soul I am in deep.
Sometimes I know I am awkward in my expression I even surely sound bitchy and all, I am just passionate, I give my all to everything I do.

I always want to understand if I think it's important, or if I care.

I am very emo today,not sad.
I kinda hurt for others more than myself, because I have mourned my loss.

I am not into going to that "oh please pity me I lost my baby" kind of behaviour.
I even feel ill at ease now receiving message of empathy about this because I am okay with it.
I have walked the path of acceptance, I have listened to my sisters of pain who have been through the same or even worse from my point of view.

But I don't want this to be forgotten.
People can do what they want like nothing happened.
It's true my body is back to thin, it's like nothing happened.
But I have that tiny stretch mark on my thigh and it's a sweet melancholic reminder.

I have been a mother and so I'll always be.
That's why I did that colorful pixie fae picture on top :)
It brougth me a huge smile on my face.
It's a picture I took last december though and I was not pregnant yet at that time.

But I edited it yesterday and felt a lot of joy in this.
Remembering the good feelings about being pregnant and how everytime I had some kind of worries, may it be financial or else, I smiled because what matters truly was this life growing inside me.

I am feeling so much better since my last post.
I sleep better, I have strange dreams at night, many dreams.

I believe I do feel I receive as much energy as I'm giving right now and it often makes me emo.
Empathy is wonderful,such a powerful feeling, I so need to see more empaths around me, I so need to see other human beings who cares to share their light , who care to do just a little thing for another sometimes.

I believe in simple things like the power of a smile.
Yeah you can call me naive.
I sometimes laugh at myself lately and tell me how boring I must sound with all that spiritual growth lately and that positive thinking philosophy.

It is just that I do believe in this firmly.

My miscarriage somehow awoken other pains of my life, past wounds that perhaps needed more stitches.
I feel better.
I can smile again.
I can laugh.
I am blessed and grateful for the energy I receive, whatever it may be!
mail in my letterbox is a true blessings.
I'm writing letters now and then, I don't want to suffer the pressure of penpalling like I used to.
I want it to be fun, to write to share deep thoughts and daily routine, to connect to a soul in the paper and to create another kind of friendship!

It is beautiful! letters still brigten my day!
Thank you♥♥♥




I have began to paint smiles.
I did give a try to that last year but I'm not so good at painting Bliss because well perhaps I believe rare are the people who derive joy from yours, this saddens me a lot.
Because as much as I share the sorrow of another I do derive so much joy from others happiness and more if they are close ones!
and God I love that feeling!
It's deep,it's energy again!

This is also why it's fantastic to see our loved ones happy, we get energised by this.

that painting to me sums up what I have always thought about life, it's better to die than not to live, which means to me, that ok maybe with time I will more and more accept the fact that there is death, we have to be separate from our loved ones for a time, maybe it's only time...
maybe we do meet again.

I have no certainty about after life, I believe in something else but still searching and reading about these things.
I am very intrigued about Past lives at the moment.

digression sorry, so I meant that okay we're gonna die, but we do have this Blessings to be here, to have had this life.
Why on Earth dont we make the best of it?
I wonder?

I value life because I know all the percents about a pregnancy turning into a miscarriage, and how we need so many parametres for a life to grow and to be healthy.
Of course I also believe in some kind of Destiny so somehow I could say but it was destiny that things happen the way they do.

I am very part or perhaps it is balanced with my faith and what I learn about science/biology and things like that.
Sometimes I think it's very strange for a girl of Faith like me to be so intrigued to learn about scientific things, about the universe, space, biochemistry and all.
I am fascinated by learning, it does not decrease my Faith in God/Goddess.



The healer & the satin voodoo dolls' poetic revolution

I love the strength in her gaze, she is determined, she knows how to find the wisdom in her wounds.
I dont know why she makes me think of Emily dickinson maybe the fact the frame takes us to older times and her dress is old fashioned too.

She believes in the poetic revolution, I believe in this too.

Sometimes people think I'm anarchist, rebel or communist.

I am not very interested in politics, I am sometimes trying to listen for the culture, not to be totally out of it, but I'm a bit lost.
I think it's all about power and though I kinda love power what is important to know,is what is your power? and how to use it?

A lot of people use their power listening to the ego and it does not work for the best.





I can't change video

How much I love this song.
This is true.
Nothing can stop or change me , I mean the depths of my identity, the soul I am and my purpose in life, my reasons to be down here, my wanting to help others, to give something and believing in this does show me great results.
I smile at those little things.
It's often a drop in the ocean.
I don't care.

Whenever I reach a soul and bring a smile on a face well it's just wonderful.
I feel so united and human, I belong me the secluded loner ;)

I am not feeling so lonely lately, I have too much on my mind, many ideas,many things to do,art, photos,poems, ideas for my e-courses







Sometimes I wonder if everything I offer to the world makes sense for anyone, and I don't really need an answer.
It makes sense to me.

My last post was not of the taste of everybody.
I didn't want to sound rude with the "jerk", I was just angry and tired of unsensitive behaviours when someone lose their baby.
I just have a very hard time to understand why we cannot just say a simple " I am sorry" instead of uttering mere bullshit that are unecessary in a time of huge sorrow?



Only 6 days to wait for the vulture to came
do you get enough
show me that hard on
when you see my blood
You can cross my line but never reach me

He feels so cut under
wishful thinking to annihilate my Sacred Feminine
While I am still standing with ribbons of lava
and the shreds of my heart

I lost my baby and all you care is to teach me privacy
I know seclusion
I won't ask permission
to be me

You know some men wrote that book
some men wrote that book
bleeding mysogynism how can you love yourself
Go tear a page and write something for you to live
So that you don't have to rip from mine to feel
It takes courage to heal

Prince of dimness
All you know is how to be completely offensive
breaking in when you're clearly uninvited
Yet I am sure you were fascinated watching at my ass
craving for some attention back honey

too bad I'm so sorry
I only care for the vulnerable men who don't tell me
the dress I should wear
the book I should read
Do you know who the real men are

You kept lashing out at people claiming you know what was better for them
didn' you
you surely know what's better for me
Wanna teach me to be beautiful and to shut my big mouth
I believe it's too late man
let Pele burn your God complexe

You surely need a woman to look after you
You cannot penetrate my world you feel so small

I'll ever fight for the words that need to be said that needs to be written
I believe now we can let the succubi take care of your dreams
if you ever have any
I can't believe you ever had any
You wouldn't have to read my every steps and misteps if you even had a life
my empathy little darling that must be such a worse ordeal to be thee(...)

****
yes indeed my poem is strong.
It's a mix of Sekmet and Kali influence ;)
and I do believe it's good sometimes to assert your soul and not let another person tell you what you should do.

I am deeply independent(doesn't imply I don't need love or I want to live on my own, I love humanity and I am quite blessed to live with my sebastien)

I quite know that asserting my feminine power , my will and strong spine makes people want to call me bitch.

Like I have said once I am truly ok with this.
What people can say about me is none of my business.
Plus as an artist I don't need to be understood.
I don't care, for I know my work will be misinterpreted and people will always confuse the artist and the woman, and sometimes the line between expression and imagination is so thin that it's so difficult to find out.

It may happen , then it's great!
Is it so important anyways?
can we just take art for what it offers?
light, philosophy, new way of thinking, emotions, understanding etc.

art is a cheer up in the world, art is way to fight the paralysis of despair where our societies take us, I totally agree with tori amos on this.

As a woman I care to see my loved ones try to understand me but it's ok if they dont get all about the artist.
As an artist I don't need to be loved for everything I do, I don't need people to love everything I do.
I am fine with this.

I don't love everything I do either.
smile.




People are easily afraid of the Power of Goddess Kali.
But to me her energies has helped me big time to move on from my lethargy and lack of self confidence, or increase of self doubts.

I love Kali very much.
I love that kind of energy.
I do admire strong women a lot.
does not make me less sensitive.
I am far from cold.I am burning with Passion for Life!
I cry easily before movies...





I have so much to say lately, so many words wanting to be written, said,shared, offered.
Sometimes it just goes beyond me, it runs out of my soul and I just let go.
I understand so much.
I never imply I know it all or have lived it all, so far!
that would be preposterous and honestly I know that kind of people, I don't really like them.






(this song was so synchro with what happened to me, felt a solace in this,it'll be our song for ever now.)

I am sorry
the rivers are upside down
a flower fall
hard to perceive
blue bird songs
only a tiny bud
between wood
no lianas can solace
my fragmented soul
today is
one more day
I cannot cry
holding on
only walls and doors around me
corridors
gloom
my world is upside down
I am so alone
in this everlasting pain
no one will ever comprehend



behind the veil
watery memories
I hear my broken voice
"where is my baby"
In the red pool
I've got to pull over
my heart machine's got a leak
eerie sounds
my prayers can't be heard
in the din of my soul
caving in
maybe my arms are just too thin
to hold your little soul
maybe my arms are too thin
it should have been a breath
a tiny flickering energy
it should have had more pages
I still had so many words
the rest of the world cannot hear this
my mother tongue
is undeciphering
there are blanks and fogs in every words
tear the blue sky by the window
"where is my baby"
my springtime days give ways to winter
I'm freezing cold
I am dressed with iciles
dark trees growing from my bleeding heart
did her little soul drown
because I couldn't provide her wings
my spirit sinks
a little each miles
away from you
I want to swim
entangled in my silent screams
too many corpses
in the book of my seas
I cut my hair
do you need my eyes now
why so much sacrifice
to hold you in my arms

music by Bel canto inspired by the melancholic fairy tale the story of a mother



Heading to somewhere safe
I remember walking in the sand
Saraswati ripples
inside me
and the colorful screen
got switch off
As the clouds were bleeding
my heart
it pours
all the sweetest songs
all the sunbeams
I crawled to the rock garden
eating pebbles on my way
It's been raining for centuries
old palace
how can I sing this song now
how can I
losing my last feather
muddy ballerina
where is my cherry swirl
old palace
Even her foot steps make no noise
Emptiness wants to come to my shore
but nothing can compete
the flows of her eyes
show me the way
Loneliest path
slashed wings
I still can walk
can you believe it
chin up
even a loan of smiles
each day
his arms carry me
I still can walk
towards the void
on her horizon
loneliest path
to somewhere safe
Now that my dream stars
has been all torn apart
Now that my dream lights
has been switch off




this is me as a little girl travelling in Turkey( by car with my family and friends)



and this is my new haircut, kinda destroyed ^___^;;
very asymetrical, I like it very much.
It made us feel better to go to the hairdresser one week after the mc.
It was like a way to rebuild, to feel pretty again,to feel feminine again,to reconnect,to take care of myself.

I thank the hairdresser very much, she was Awesome!
**********



I read
I cannot decipher it all
But I read
I hear you sisters brothers
They all compare the stains
My blood is darker

Is this the new Elite baby
wake up
Please
How can you serve yourself
to the cocroaches

I know it hurts
I know we're so alone
miles of betrayals
moutains of abandons
how many knives on my back

Don't you see you bury yourself
In the land of victimhood
Now who's betraying yourself
Now who's abandonning yourself

Breathe between the dots
Sisters
brothers
I never claim it would be easy
it's so easier not to
much easier not to

We know we could all give up
Paralyzing anguish
oceans of disorders
nights in tears and cuts

As a mother I can understand
but what are the hugs worth
if the words promotes your martyrdom
Burn that victim sign
rise again
remember your strength
we won't build a New Age on this
We won't create a Revolution on this

it's time to evolve
Learn to evolve
or stop blaming the world for your terrorist
you know who has given up

Rise again
wire back to your pride
dig deeper
believe
"I will escape from this all"

♥♥♥

I posted this somewhere else and felt like sharing, may it can help those who need to receive some positive energies.





I believe. but only if you allow yourself to believe too and to decide it's time to heal, time to decide what you want to live and what you don't want, time to change your self loathing and self destructive behaviour.

You've all heard this. No one can love you if you don't love yourself.
This is a very hard task sometimes especially if we've been hurt,abused,unloved etc during infancy,childhood or teen age.

I believe Past is past. Of course it does make you be the person you are.
What do you want to be NOW?
this is the important question.

You can begin one day at a time.
Or you can forever wear your "I'm a victim sign" and feel you belong to some kind of underground new community, this is alas the sad world we're in.
We're intoxicated by many things.

Have you forgotten your own essence?
can there be anything deeper inside you?

you can escape from it all,or better said (because I dont believe in escapism) you can grow spiritually and find all the wisdom in your wounds.
It's not an easy path, life is not easy at all.

But if you begin slowly to accept the blessings to be there maybe you can begin to heal.

I am not saying you don't have the right to vent, mourn, feel sad or sorry for yourself,be angry and so forth.
A lot of very unfair things happen everyday.
You may feel very lonely but you're definetly not alone in this if you believe.
and I am not only talking about some God.

I am not religious, neither am I a doctor or a therapist.
I just firmly believe in the power of our soul.
If only we could see all the beauty inside us and share all the thing we are with others, doing little things, like smiling to a person in the streets who seems lonely or sad, or just comforting someone in need ,listening to a friend in need,taking of animals in shelters, doing things to protect our planets and things like that... maybe little by little we could feel we belong somehow instead of staying paralyzed by the despair all around us.

I do know this life is not easy.
I've had my share of pain, even recently... but this has increased my faith in Life and in Humanity.

I know anything is possible when we go for it.
Don't you still have dreams to fight for?
Aren't you too young to die?
Don't you want to keep searching for all your reasons to be there?

I am sorry if I bother anyone with this sharing.

I just wanted to send everyone who's feeling helpless, hopeless and totally depressed today some message of Hopes and positive energies***

May you all feel better."

Namasté & love the one you're with, and your friends and family! keep on sharing your spark!