vendredi 24 avril 2009

Once A Fae Child Mother Always A Fae Child Mother

I want to believe we all do the best we can.

To show we care.
To help others.
To show empathy.
To offer some kind help/words.

Once A Fae Child Mother Always A Fae Child Mother

I love " almost rosey"
this is the way life is most of the time when we accept all the pain we can go through, somehow perhaps we have to go through these pains to understand, to keep learning and growing as spiritual individual.

I always try my best to improve my humanity, to listen more, to developpe my understanding and empathy and yet at times it's true it's very heavy.

Not as if I was carrying the pain of the world on my shoulders, I have moved on from that thought.

Maybe sometimes in the confusion of feeling too much empathy we have to keep on carrying love and receiving Hope.

Beheaded Human suffering
Never give up on your Soul

I believe in that.
we cannot give up on our dreams or then where's the fun?
I remember having been told to live in a wonderland being too dreamy but this is what has taken me there, where I am and truly I am grateful to myself that I've kept dreaming, that I have not denied or abandonned my self, my inner Fae child.

It's important not to betray yourself.

I am always wanting to be more sincere, more honest ,fair to the soul I am in deep.
Sometimes I know I am awkward in my expression I even surely sound bitchy and all, I am just passionate, I give my all to everything I do.

I always want to understand if I think it's important, or if I care.

I am very emo today,not sad.
I kinda hurt for others more than myself, because I have mourned my loss.

I am not into going to that "oh please pity me I lost my baby" kind of behaviour.
I even feel ill at ease now receiving message of empathy about this because I am okay with it.
I have walked the path of acceptance, I have listened to my sisters of pain who have been through the same or even worse from my point of view.

But I don't want this to be forgotten.
People can do what they want like nothing happened.
It's true my body is back to thin, it's like nothing happened.
But I have that tiny stretch mark on my thigh and it's a sweet melancholic reminder.

I have been a mother and so I'll always be.

That's why I did that colorful pixie fae picture on top :)
It brougth me a huge smile on my face.
It's a picture I took last december though and I was not pregnant yet at that time.

But I edited it yesterday and felt a lot of joy in this.
Remembering the good feelings about being pregnant and how everytime I had some kind of worries, may it be financial or else, I smiled because what matters truly was this life growing inside me.

I am feeling so much better since my last post.
I sleep better, I have strange dreams at night, many dreams.

I believe I do feel I receive as much energy as I'm giving right now and it often makes me emo.
Empathy is wonderful,such a powerful feeling, I so need to see more empaths around me, I so need to see other human beings who cares to share their light , who care to do just a little thing for another sometimes.

I believe in simple things like the power of a smile.
Yeah you can call me naive.
I sometimes laugh at myself lately and tell me how boring I must sound with all that spiritual growth lately and that positive thinking philosophy.

It is just that I do believe in this firmly.

My miscarriage somehow awoken other pains of my life, past wounds that perhaps needed more stitches.
I feel better.
I can smile again.
I can laugh.
I am blessed and grateful for the energy I receive, whatever it may be!
mail in my letterbox is a true blessings.
I'm writing letters now and then, I don't want to suffer the pressure of penpalling like I used to.
I want it to be fun, to write to share deep thoughts and daily routine, to connect to a soul in the paper and to create another kind of friendship!

It is beautiful! letters still brigten my day!
Thank you♥♥♥
To the beauty of my sisters of Light

To the beauty of my sisters of Light

I have began to paint smiles.
I did give a try to that last year but I'm not so good at painting Bliss because well perhaps I believe rare are the people who derive joy from yours, this saddens me a lot.
Because as much as I share the sorrow of another I do derive so much joy from others happiness and more if they are close ones!
and God I love that feeling!
It's deep,it's energy again!

This is also why it's fantastic to see our loved ones happy, we get energised by this.
Plutôt mourir que de ne pas vivre
that painting to me sums up what I have always thought about life, it's better to die than not to live, which means to me, that ok maybe with time I will more and more accept the fact that there is death, we have to be separate from our loved ones for a time, maybe it's only time...
maybe we do meet again.

I have no certainty about after life, I believe in something else but still searching and reading about these things.
I am very intrigued about Past lives at the moment.

digression sorry, so I meant that okay we're gonna die, but we do have this Blessings to be here, to have had this life.
Why on Earth dont we make the best of it?
I wonder?

I value life because I know all the percents about a pregnancy turning into a miscarriage, and how we need so many parametres for a life to grow and to be healthy.
Of course I also believe in some kind of Destiny so somehow I could say but it was destiny that things happen the way they do.

I am very part or perhaps it is balanced with my faith and what I learn about science/biology and things like that.
Sometimes I think it's very strange for a girl of Faith like me to be so intrigued to learn about scientific things, about the universe, space, biochemistry and all.
I am fascinated by learning, it does not decrease my Faith in God/Goddess.

The healer & the satin voodoo dolls' poetic revolution

The healer & the satin voodoo dolls' poetic revolution

I love the strength in her gaze, she is determined, she knows how to find the wisdom in her wounds.
I dont know why she makes me think of Emily dickinson maybe the fact the frame takes us to older times and her dress is old fashioned too.

She believes in the poetic revolution, I believe in this too.

Sometimes people think I'm anarchist, rebel or communist.

I am not very interested in politics, I am sometimes trying to listen for the culture, not to be totally out of it, but I'm a bit lost.
I think it's all about power and though I kinda love power what is important to know,is what is your power? and how to use it?

A lot of people use their power listening to the ego and it does not work for the best.

You are never alone in the night of your soul

I have gone back dreaming

I can't change video

How much I love this song.
This is true.
Nothing can stop or change me , I mean the depths of my identity, the soul I am and my purpose in life, my reasons to be down here, my wanting to help others, to give something and believing in this does show me great results.
I smile at those little things.
It's often a drop in the ocean.
I don't care.

Whenever I reach a soul and bring a smile on a face well it's just wonderful.
I feel so united and human, I belong me the secluded loner ;)

I am not feeling so lonely lately, I have too much on my mind, many ideas,many things to do,art, photos,poems, ideas for my e-courses

The Lights of Epiphany In the darkest Night of the Soul

The Shamanic Rebirth

Keep Sharing your Light the Universe will Answer

Sometimes I wonder if everything I offer to the world makes sense for anyone, and I don't really need an answer.
It makes sense to me.

My last post was not of the taste of everybody.
I didn't want to sound rude with the "jerk", I was just angry and tired of unsensitive behaviours when someone lose their baby.
I just have a very hard time to understand why we cannot just say a simple " I am sorry" instead of uttering mere bullshit that are unecessary in a time of huge sorrow?

Cross my line you can never reach me

Only 6 days to wait for the vulture to came
do you get enough
show me that hard on
when you see my blood
You can cross my line but never reach me

He feels so cut under
wishful thinking to annihilate my Sacred Feminine
While I am still standing with ribbons of lava
and the shreds of my heart

I lost my baby and all you care is to teach me privacy
I know seclusion
I won't ask permission
to be me

You know some men wrote that book
some men wrote that book
bleeding mysogynism how can you love yourself
Go tear a page and write something for you to live
So that you don't have to rip from mine to feel
It takes courage to heal

Prince of dimness
All you know is how to be completely offensive
breaking in when you're clearly uninvited
Yet I am sure you were fascinated watching at my ass
craving for some attention back honey

too bad I'm so sorry
I only care for the vulnerable men who don't tell me
the dress I should wear
the book I should read
Do you know who the real men are

You kept lashing out at people claiming you know what was better for them
didn' you
you surely know what's better for me
Wanna teach me to be beautiful and to shut my big mouth
I believe it's too late man
let Pele burn your God complexe

You surely need a woman to look after you
You cannot penetrate my world you feel so small

I'll ever fight for the words that need to be said that needs to be written
I believe now we can let the succubi take care of your dreams
if you ever have any
I can't believe you ever had any
You wouldn't have to read my every steps and misteps if you even had a life
my empathy little darling that must be such a worse ordeal to be thee(...)

yes indeed my poem is strong.
It's a mix of Sekmet and Kali influence ;)
and I do believe it's good sometimes to assert your soul and not let another person tell you what you should do.

I am deeply independent(doesn't imply I don't need love or I want to live on my own, I love humanity and I am quite blessed to live with my sebastien)

I quite know that asserting my feminine power , my will and strong spine makes people want to call me bitch.

Like I have said once I am truly ok with this.
What people can say about me is none of my business.
Plus as an artist I don't need to be understood.
I don't care, for I know my work will be misinterpreted and people will always confuse the artist and the woman, and sometimes the line between expression and imagination is so thin that it's so difficult to find out.

It may happen , then it's great!
Is it so important anyways?
can we just take art for what it offers?
light, philosophy, new way of thinking, emotions, understanding etc.

art is a cheer up in the world, art is way to fight the paralysis of despair where our societies take us, I totally agree with tori amos on this.

As a woman I care to see my loved ones try to understand me but it's ok if they dont get all about the artist.
As an artist I don't need to be loved for everything I do, I don't need people to love everything I do.
I am fine with this.

I don't love everything I do either.

Yes it's true I've let them call me Blissful poison because I am a woman & I loved to play with Indecency but I know all the sugar I have spread the seeds of Light I have sown

nobody nothing can stop them
People are easily afraid of the Power of Goddess Kali.
But to me her energies has helped me big time to move on from my lethargy and lack of self confidence, or increase of self doubts.

I love Kali very much.
I love that kind of energy.
I do admire strong women a lot.
does not make me less sensitive.
I am far from cold.I am burning with Passion for Life!
I cry easily before movies...



I have so much to say lately, so many words wanting to be written, said,shared, offered.
Sometimes it just goes beyond me, it runs out of my soul and I just let go.
I understand so much.
I never imply I know it all or have lived it all, so far!
that would be preposterous and honestly I know that kind of people, I don't really like them.

It means nothing at all
Pour those rivers over my dead body

(this song was so synchro with what happened to me, felt a solace in this,it'll be our song for ever now.)

I am sorry
the rivers are upside down
a flower fall
hard to perceive
blue bird songs
only a tiny bud
between wood
no lianas can solace
my fragmented soul
today is
one more day
I cannot cry
holding on
only walls and doors around me
my world is upside down
I am so alone
in this everlasting pain
no one will ever comprehend


behind the veil
watery memories
I hear my broken voice
"where is my baby"
In the red pool
I've got to pull over
my heart machine's got a leak
eerie sounds
my prayers can't be heard
in the din of my soul
caving in
maybe my arms are just too thin
to hold your little soul
maybe my arms are too thin
it should have been a breath
a tiny flickering energy
it should have had more pages
I still had so many words
the rest of the world cannot hear this
my mother tongue
is undeciphering
there are blanks and fogs in every words
tear the blue sky by the window
"where is my baby"
my springtime days give ways to winter
I'm freezing cold
I am dressed with iciles
dark trees growing from my bleeding heart
did her little soul drown
because I couldn't provide her wings
my spirit sinks
a little each miles
away from you
I want to swim
entangled in my silent screams
too many corpses
in the book of my seas
I cut my hair
do you need my eyes now
why so much sacrifice
to hold you in my arms

music by Bel canto inspired by the melancholic fairy tale the story of a mother

Loneliest path to somewhere Safe

Heading to somewhere safe
I remember walking in the sand
Saraswati ripples
inside me
and the colorful screen
got switch off
As the clouds were bleeding
my heart
it pours
all the sweetest songs
all the sunbeams
I crawled to the rock garden
eating pebbles on my way
It's been raining for centuries
old palace
how can I sing this song now
how can I
losing my last feather
muddy ballerina
where is my cherry swirl
old palace
Even her foot steps make no noise
Emptiness wants to come to my shore
but nothing can compete
the flows of her eyes
show me the way
Loneliest path
slashed wings
I still can walk
can you believe it
chin up
even a loan of smiles
each day
his arms carry me
I still can walk
towards the void
on her horizon
loneliest path
to somewhere safe
Now that my dream stars
has been all torn apart
Now that my dream lights
has been switch off


this is me as a little girl travelling in Turkey( by car with my family and friends)

new hair cut

and this is my new haircut, kinda destroyed ^___^;;
very asymetrical, I like it very much.
It made us feel better to go to the hairdresser one week after the mc.
It was like a way to rebuild, to feel pretty again,to feel feminine again,to reconnect,to take care of myself.

I thank the hairdresser very much, she was Awesome!

To Your Martyrdom

I read
I cannot decipher it all
But I read
I hear you sisters brothers
They all compare the stains
My blood is darker

Is this the new Elite baby
wake up
How can you serve yourself
to the cocroaches

I know it hurts
I know we're so alone
miles of betrayals
moutains of abandons
how many knives on my back

Don't you see you bury yourself
In the land of victimhood
Now who's betraying yourself
Now who's abandonning yourself

Breathe between the dots
I never claim it would be easy
it's so easier not to
much easier not to

We know we could all give up
Paralyzing anguish
oceans of disorders
nights in tears and cuts

As a mother I can understand
but what are the hugs worth
if the words promotes your martyrdom
Burn that victim sign
rise again
remember your strength
we won't build a New Age on this
We won't create a Revolution on this

it's time to evolve
Learn to evolve
or stop blaming the world for your terrorist
you know who has given up

Rise again
wire back to your pride
dig deeper
"I will escape from this all"


I posted this somewhere else and felt like sharing, may it can help those who need to receive some positive energies.

I believe. but only if you allow yourself to believe too and to decide it's time to heal, time to decide what you want to live and what you don't want, time to change your self loathing and self destructive behaviour.

You've all heard this. No one can love you if you don't love yourself.
This is a very hard task sometimes especially if we've been hurt,abused,unloved etc during infancy,childhood or teen age.

I believe Past is past. Of course it does make you be the person you are.
What do you want to be NOW?
this is the important question.

You can begin one day at a time.
Or you can forever wear your "I'm a victim sign" and feel you belong to some kind of underground new community, this is alas the sad world we're in.
We're intoxicated by many things.

Have you forgotten your own essence?
can there be anything deeper inside you?

you can escape from it all,or better said (because I dont believe in escapism) you can grow spiritually and find all the wisdom in your wounds.
It's not an easy path, life is not easy at all.

But if you begin slowly to accept the blessings to be there maybe you can begin to heal.

I am not saying you don't have the right to vent, mourn, feel sad or sorry for yourself,be angry and so forth.
A lot of very unfair things happen everyday.
You may feel very lonely but you're definetly not alone in this if you believe.
and I am not only talking about some God.

I am not religious, neither am I a doctor or a therapist.
I just firmly believe in the power of our soul.
If only we could see all the beauty inside us and share all the thing we are with others, doing little things, like smiling to a person in the streets who seems lonely or sad, or just comforting someone in need ,listening to a friend in need,taking of animals in shelters, doing things to protect our planets and things like that... maybe little by little we could feel we belong somehow instead of staying paralyzed by the despair all around us.

I do know this life is not easy.
I've had my share of pain, even recently... but this has increased my faith in Life and in Humanity.

I know anything is possible when we go for it.
Don't you still have dreams to fight for?
Aren't you too young to die?
Don't you want to keep searching for all your reasons to be there?

I am sorry if I bother anyone with this sharing.

I just wanted to send everyone who's feeling helpless, hopeless and totally depressed today some message of Hopes and positive energies***

May you all feel better."

Namasté & love the one you're with, and your friends and family! keep on sharing your spark!

mercredi 8 avril 2009

things not to say to somebody who's just had a miscarriage, learn you jerks!

At the community I have found this so I am copying and pasting it for the people who still need to learn a lot to become Real Human Beings.

I shouldn't have been that painting

"What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.

Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. "

I found this list fantastic and anyone jerks or not could use a read to have a better empathy.
Even myself I could learn and also some made me smile with the one with the mother who dies and then you can be grateful you still have a father.
It shows how absurd some words can be right?

I do know how hard it is anyways to put yourself in others' shoes, we wish we could do something.
Goodbye April

I try myself also to support other women who have recently miscarried, but I cannot imagine how they feel, I mean every pain is different, every baby lost is unique and it's a part of our history, how we lived our pregnancy, how much it was wanted and so forth...

Anyways I have receive lots of support in these past days and it has helped me to cope.
It's Such a Beautiful Day Not To Live

I am walking ahead one day at a time, grieving,not crying everyday, my art helps me big time, my friends are wonderful.
I guess if I truly felt lonely unheard and without any one to listen I would break down.
But I do feel the love and I am grateful, thank you all so very much!

Elle Saigne Autant qu'Elle Aime

strangely enough, this painting came to me on her own.
I had this Love card offered by a soul sister, just right before me on my desk and I felt okay.
I never thought I could paint a naked woman, I thought about it many times but never gave it a try, and here it just came to me, easily.
It gave me a lot of strength when it was complete.

running up that hill for amazing new thoughts

What they see about her

Time time it's only time
but the hands are piercing my heart and tearing my butterflies one by one
I barely recognize her face in the mirror
Is she gone
with her pretty eyes so empty and dark
A book graveyard in the depths of her gaze
she crossed the seas and desert she's all made of broken parts
nobody can play with me anymore
strangest season
cruellest springtime fucking sore lie
It's written on her pillow
"you never know Pain till the next"
On the marble my tears keeps writing
"I am so sorry"
Explosion of words in a bleeding sky

it's only time my darling
like a garlands of tick tock weeping away
smiling away
I have to focuse on the tiny shadow of your red shoe dancing in the light
to keep my sanity
I'll be a sleepwalker
heading on the tightrope
not a safety net not even a mask
Go ask April why I feel so disabled
She keeps saying it did not happen
did not happen to me

how long could the void grow inside me
feels so ashamed while the sky bleeds
Explosion of words I'm still with you
I feel you're already without me
you just never made it
bleeding fountain of sorries

collapse gently little spirit

These injuries like layers of slashed stars planting their sharp point in my heart
I am still walking baby
still walking
each foot leave their blood spots
nothing will ever sound sweetly romantic
I numb the wings I numb the machine
wires keep bleeding sounds I cannot decipher
please leave her alone when you hear this siren
leave her alone
collapse gentle little spirit
Am I still on the ground
They keep telling me you're so thin skinny darling
I swear I don't lie this time my dress was white
full of white love the purest kind
I can swear to God how much I love
In my mental screen it keeps printing you should hate me now
you'd rather hate me you'd rather avoid me now
I am cut below
I swim with fatigue in this dirty realm of heamoglobin
Did I give birth to a violet coffin
I want to vomit as soon as I see the sunlight in the morning
All these hellish noises creeps to my beds at night
I cannot believe I am belonging to this book anymore
Did I give birth to a pretty velvet tomb
I am still very exhausted but it's also because Insomnia bitch is back and I cannot help my brain to keep thinking, wondering, trying to find ways to heal.

But soon it's Easter time so I hope my parents will be caring and considerate enough to bring me some chocolate!
what? you didn't send me even a card for my bday not even a gift! It was fucking important I turned 30!
why did I have to feel forgotten at such a turning point in a woman's life?

argh. yeah. I get angry at silly things like that.
My hormones are all over the place too.
fatigue does not help.

I know they are not careless, they phoned me on my special days, but I wish I had received a card it was important to me, like they did for my 25 years old.
some dates are important that's all.

When I'll have children, I know they'll get a card each birthday, because I fucking care, because they'll be my heart!

In fact many people forgot to send me a card...I know it's just an attention but well it means a lot to me, surely because it reminds me all the time I am forgotten or I've been forgotten.
But I just focused on the ones who celebrated with me.

My emotions are strange at the moment.
I can be very sweet with a deeper empathy and forgive the ones who've hurt me.
Then I can be angry at stupid meaningless things just because it has a deeper hidden meaning to me.
I am feeling disconnected at times.
like my head has been chopped off.

but the muses are here, dancing around me,kissing me, embracing me with light and love. so are the angels.

Girls from the choirgirl hotel has ever been one of my favorite album by tori amos, though I do love most of them.
it's the album that made me discover and want to know her more.

Well I know we're dying
And there's no sign of a parachute
In this Chapel
Little chapel of love
Can't we get a little grace
And some elegance
No we scream in cathedrals
Why can't it be beautiful
Why does there
Gotta be a sacrifice

(tori amos)
singing also helps me, music lulls and carries my soul.


Isn't that the way they say it goes
But let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it
So i can call just to tell them i'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels

Operator, oh could you help me place this call
'cause i can't read the number that you just gave me
There's something in my eye's
You know it happens every time
I think about the love that i thought would save me

(Jim Croce)

samedi 4 avril 2009

Hey tori!Hey Frida!sisters of miscarriage...

siren by tori amos

I don't know how to begin with this.
I guess a scream would be fine.allowed.but not even enough to relieve me.

Now I can even better relate to the pain of this song by tori amos.
I always could feel that pain as if I had lived this before...and truly I must have.

"almost brave almost pregnant almost in love"

now I have this song, every sounds and words of it deeply etched in my skin, in my body and soul.
I know music will save me,will appease me with time.
I know.

Prettiest Mess I've ever seen
dear God life ain't kind people getting born and dying
But I've heard there's joy untold
Lays on that open road in front of me
in front of me(Pj harvey)

and you fuckheads who will enjoy reading this and call me Drama queen with her drama life go fuck yourself!
and you who haven t better comments that talking about my beautiful ass just go watch some porn , you're not evolved enough to read and comprehend my soul.
and you who thinks I am a " better than thou" just fuck off.
you don't know me.
you don't know a fucking thing about me and my life and all the things I've been through till now.

That was my sekmet who needed to speak and show claws to protect me from now.

breathe helene breathe.

I bled on friday morning.
I wrote to my dearest ones.for be reassured.
I looked at google.
I was a bit reassured but I wanted to think positive so I did.
I was brave.
I was fucking brave.
and I drove to my gynecologist, being hopeful.
I needed to hope.
I prayed so much.

she said : well you're having a miscarriage.

I lost it there.
I remained numb for a minute.
I thought maybe she's wrong, maybe we can't see much, maybe she's wrong.

then tears filled my eyes and I burst, I collapsed in tears.
All my dreams hopes smiles shaken falling down being crashed down being cut being slashed open to bleed.

She tried to reassure me and also to comfort me.
she was human.
I love it when doctors are human for honestly it's rarer.

she explained many things to me, I tried to integrate all informations but I was under shock.
it was such a beautiful day, lots of sun, real springtime, flowery trees by the windows...and I remember the music in the waiting room : clair de lune sonata by Beethoven.

sad music.
like a sign.

she sent me 50meter away to the radiologist echograph to confirm the miscarriage.
and there I cried hard before everyone in the waiting room, such a wreck.
Thanks Goddess I hate my ipod and tori amos in my ears.
It helped me face things and not over react.
I was rather numb and crying.

I could feel the empathy energy of two persons in the waiting room and it kind of helped me to feel this energy.
I also felt the angels, I was not alone in this.Though it still felt aloneness, because it was inside me, my body...

the radiologist confirmed after hours of waiting and crying in the damn waiting room.

I didn't cry this time.
I was just tired and angry.

and I went back to the car.alone.
and got back home with music to help me through this.
I drove badly, too fast, I was lost, careless.
No I didn't want to die, I was just tired and shocked and angry.

I know anger is not a good thing so I am trying to express it,to understand more and to quiet this bad energy in me.

I believe anger has always been important in me for all the pain I've been through in my life. and probably in my past lives too.
There must be something to explain this, I am a person of love. I care. I have a huge empathy and I give so much to my loved ones and to people who need.
I am not just angry witch.

my gynecologist explained me how it will go from now and that if I was bleeding too much I should phone the emergency.
and on saturday morning 6 am I went to the bathroom and I bled.
much. way too much. I was like being emptied of my blood, so warm, so awful sensation.
Like I was about to die this way you know.
seb at first thought I was maybe exagerating but he wanted to comfort me and help me not to worry too much and have panick attack.

But God I was stronger.
I called the emergency to have an advice and they sent the firemen who took me to emergency hospital.
They were great. three men totally different but with empathy and humanity.
I look up to firemen a lot.
I look up to everyone who helps another. who cares.who saves.or tries to.
I admire empathy.

I breathed, sebastien was amazingly supportive and there for me.
I was reassured.
though I kept saying " Oh I am scared! I'm scared!I've lost so much blood"
and I was still bleeding lying down on the coach waiting.

then I arrived at the hospital.
there they had to do me a curettage. I was damn scared but no panic attacks.
I prayed a lot.
I talked to every gods goddesses and angels or higher spirits around to help me.

they wanted to have me have a complete anesthesia and if you know me : that's something I fear so bad!
because it's like being dead you know.
and I had once at 14 and it was scary really,also I was alone in this hospital.
Honestly my parents should have been there.
I would not let my 14 child alone for any kind of hospitalisation.

Maybe I'll be said worriesome, but to me it would mean truly caring.

sebastien tried to comfort me and he showed me so much love compassion and understanding that it made me stronger.
But I kept begging for a lower anesthesia only, saying I don't mind the pain, I can handle it and thinking I dont want to die.

They got me a fucking painful injection in the rachi but I said: okay okay I can handle it.
I am not scared of the pain.

but they got me.I am quite sure they knew they still would have me completely anesthetised.
so I dont know how they did it but they did it and I woke up alone in the room.
But I was alive. so I was reassured and of course after the injection I dont remember a thing. I hate this.
It's so weird.
and it looked like 15minutes ago while it lasted more than an hour and seb had to wait away.

Then I was taken to my room and searching everywhere for my sebastien.

Then it was the waiting and the doctors came to visit me.
we stayed there a whole day, too long.
I tried to sleep but hardly could fall asleep.
I had a deep pain in my low back.

I even told the anesthesist who lacked of respect, joking about my pain as if I was lying.
In my whole life that kind of attitude of people towards me had infuriated me badly.
What a bitch!
I was in real pain everytime I had to walk to go pee.
I could stand on my feet but the pressure of feet on the ground made the pain go worse.

Honestly right now the pain is still there, seems to slowly fade away.
I take paracétamol because it s the only thing I'm allowed for now.
So I deeply hurt physically and emotionnally.
the physical pain is trying to occupy my spirit I guess so I stop the crying.

I am wondering when seb will be pissed of at his disabled sweetheart asking him to help for every little thing.

This makes me feel so pathetic and diminished.
I was already so very tired during the first months of pregnancy and with this miscarriage I am just the ghost of me.
And I loathe this.

I know going through this hell together has made our love feel so stronger but I know myself when I hurt so bad how it awakes my witch.
seb firstly said I could throw my anger at him that it was ok,but honestly it would not be fun.
and I do know it's not right.

We will react to this loss differently and I have to accept this.

My gynecologist was hopeful saying I could try again to get pregnant in a month but at the hospital the gynecologist said that I lost much blood and that I had to wait for the uterus to feel better and wait three months before starting to try for baby again.
He said my uterus has been exhausted by the first months of pregnancy and the miscarriage and that it was better to be sensible.

I burst into tears again.

I cry everytime I think and know my little dream bliss is gone and I wont have a baby this year.
Right now though writing helps me let it all out.
freeing my soul of the weight of this pain.

I believe I need a month of mourning and crying.
Maybe more. I don't know.
I am trying to protect myself with ideas of how to cope with this.
making art to appease myself.

I am so incredibly sad that I waited so long to have a baby because now the time is counted even more and I have dreams of a family.
I would love at least 3 children.
a family.
It matters so much.
I have always wanted to be a mother from how far I remember it.
I have always been a mother anyways.

I remember how every morning I would wake up with a smile telling myself: I am pregnant with a little smile of amazement.

but these past fortnight I was feeling rather depressed.
Maybe it was the hormones or me feeling lonely.
Or perhaps I was feeling something wasn't right in this.

I have to accept I am empty again but I feel emptier than ever.
I feel incapable, ashamed, guilty and I know it's not right and I do know it's not my fault I don't need motherizing on this, this is just a feeling in me I have to deal with to understand and be over this.

When everything was happening I was not so surprised finally like I had lived this before, or like it was normal, like I just did not deserve some kind of bliss.
I know how harsh it is to think that way, it s a way of thinking that comes and goes...I know I should heal this bad energy for good.

and I will work on that.

Along these moments of pain sister Poetry was on my side throwing words, sentences, here and there, like little pebbles for me to keep walking, like hands to catch to prevent me from falling.

I won't tell you art is better when you suffer hell.
I just know art is a beautiful healthy therapy when you have to go through hell, it's your lantern, your fireflies,your sparks, keeping you company in the dark.
I wont be alone.
I will be in the arms of my solacing muses and for this I am grateful.

I am also deeply grateful for:

my Sébastien for all he did for me for making me not alone in this.
Gods, Goddesses ,the angels and all higher spirits who have gave me energy to handle this and who've protected me.
my family and friends for their support and care. Thank you so much for all the messages.
I must say it's way too hard not to cry when reading your kind words but I need them.
It's carrying me.
I am also grateful to still be alive.

I truly have no ideas at times how I will deal with this.
And of course I worry about another pregnancy.
I don't know what to do,what to hope for. I feel lost.
I also know my depressive tendencies and all, so I will have to keep strong and to heal, to fight the bad energy, the bad thoughts.
I will try not to lock myself in silence.
I thought I would be like this if I had to lose my baby. I thought I would just be numb like autistic and won't talk again.
but I am 30, I have to react, I want a family, I am not ready to give up and I do know it's common for first pregnancies to not go to terms.
But I was thinking if I had to lose it it would have been in the first month...not so close of the end of the first trimester.
I was being so hopeful.

I will allow myself to cry.

I am not doomed stop waving your darkness

I wrote this poem with my little hopes just before going to gynecologist:

I know the dim meanders in the woods of Emotions
I know the serpents
I know the wells where we can throw the worse and innocence
One two three Breathe in
I know she's a spark and I know it's not so stark
I am stronger than the past centuries I've lived
The books have still to be written and bound
Nobody said love wont suffice
because this time I will refuse your precipice(...)

withered thoughts and too many spiders between the sparks of pretty words

the dust the dust
everything is so low so slow
sinking & thinking deeper
The horizon is dancing with electric wires
humid moods
tear the veils
they have wept for centuries
our raspberry fairies and they sang
"too many spiders between the sparks of pretty words"
We're not waiting for another tree of knowledge
She said I've read deeper and higher
That's why we are here
The most fascinating alleys of healing listen to the branches
listen closely when you sink
deeper in the mollasses of your hopeless souvenirs
It's not her dress anyways
We've got to run up that hill towards new amazing thoughts
I have always been here
The only respite I know
the brakes are lethal but the twisted paths are so long
In the dark of the night of her hair
I need to breathe she said you cannot cry this time
the tiny rinds were so sore
All of her little sisters came for the ritual
to surround with the light she needed on her dusk
Darkness can twinkle in my hands
I wonder why they are all so scared of their own loneliness
this blankness is etched
we cut the leashed of our evil kites when we know
the meanders of this road to embrace(...)

Oneiric Presents & The Reasons to Live

I am a bit scared to be alone at home on monday if I bleed again( though I dont know if I should or not bleed because doctors said everything and the contrary but I'll phone my gynecologist on monday and she'll )and I can't walk that much because of the deep pain in the back.
I keep praying Jesus,Kwan Yin and the Archangel Raphael to appease my pain and protect me so I recover my health and energy soon.
But I know the body part won't be the hardest to heal.