siren by tori amos
I don't know how to begin with this.
I guess a scream would be fine.allowed.but not even enough to relieve me.
Now I can even better relate to the pain of this song by tori amos.
I always could feel that pain as if I had lived this before...and truly I must have.
"almost brave almost pregnant almost in love"
now I have this song, every sounds and words of it deeply etched in my skin, in my body and soul.
I know music will save me,will appease me with time.
dear God life ain't kind people getting born and dying
But I've heard there's joy untold
Lays on that open road in front of me
in front of me(Pj harvey)
and you fuckheads who will enjoy reading this and call me Drama queen with her drama life go fuck yourself!
and you who haven t better comments that talking about my beautiful ass just go watch some porn , you're not evolved enough to read and comprehend my soul.
and you who thinks I am a " better than thou" just fuck off.
you don't know me.
you don't know a fucking thing about me and my life and all the things I've been through till now.
That was my sekmet who needed to speak and show claws to protect me from now.
breathe helene breathe.
I bled on friday morning.
I wrote to my dearest ones.for advice.to be reassured.
I looked at google.
I was a bit reassured but I wanted to think positive so I did.
I was brave.
I was fucking brave.
and I drove to my gynecologist, being hopeful.
I needed to hope.
I prayed so much.
she said : well you're having a miscarriage.
I lost it there.
I remained numb for a minute.
I thought maybe she's wrong, maybe we can't see much, maybe she's wrong.
then tears filled my eyes and I burst, I collapsed in tears.
All my dreams hopes smiles shaken falling down being crashed down being cut being slashed open to bleed.
She tried to reassure me and also to comfort me.
she was human.
I love it when doctors are human for honestly it's rarer.
she explained many things to me, I tried to integrate all informations but I was under shock.
it was such a beautiful day, lots of sun, real springtime, flowery trees by the windows...and I remember the music in the waiting room : clair de lune sonata by Beethoven.
like a sign.
she sent me 50meter away to the radiologist echograph to confirm the miscarriage.
and there I cried hard before everyone in the waiting room, such a wreck.
Thanks Goddess I hate my ipod and tori amos in my ears.
It helped me face things and not over react.
I was rather numb and crying.
I could feel the empathy energy of two persons in the waiting room and it kind of helped me to feel this energy.
I also felt the angels, I was not alone in this.Though it still felt aloneness, because it was inside me, my body...
the radiologist confirmed after hours of waiting and crying in the damn waiting room.
I didn't cry this time.
I was just tired and angry.
and I went back to the car.alone.
and got back home with music to help me through this.
I drove badly, too fast, I was lost, careless.
No I didn't want to die, I was just tired and shocked and angry.
I know anger is not a good thing so I am trying to express it,to understand more and to quiet this bad energy in me.
I believe anger has always been important in me for all the pain I've been through in my life. and probably in my past lives too.
There must be something to explain this, I am a person of love. I care. I have a huge empathy and I give so much to my loved ones and to people who need.
I am not just angry witch.
my gynecologist explained me how it will go from now and that if I was bleeding too much I should phone the emergency.
and on saturday morning 6 am I went to the bathroom and I bled.
much. way too much. I was like being emptied of my blood, so warm, so awful sensation.
Like I was about to die this way you know.
seb at first thought I was maybe exagerating but he wanted to comfort me and help me not to worry too much and have panick attack.
But God I was stronger.
I called the emergency to have an advice and they sent the firemen who took me to emergency hospital.
They were great. three men totally different but with empathy and humanity.
I look up to firemen a lot.
I look up to everyone who helps another. who cares.who saves.or tries to.
I admire empathy.
I breathed, sebastien was amazingly supportive and there for me.
I was reassured.
though I kept saying " Oh I am scared! I'm scared!I've lost so much blood"
and I was still bleeding lying down on the coach waiting.
then I arrived at the hospital.
there they had to do me a curettage. I was damn scared but no panic attacks.
I prayed a lot.
I talked to every gods goddesses and angels or higher spirits around to help me.
they wanted to have me have a complete anesthesia and if you know me : that's something I fear so bad!
because it's like being dead you know.
and I had once at 14 and it was scary really,also I was alone in this hospital.
Honestly my parents should have been there.
I would not let my 14 child alone for any kind of hospitalisation.
Maybe I'll be said worriesome, but to me it would mean truly caring.
sebastien tried to comfort me and he showed me so much love compassion and understanding that it made me stronger.
But I kept begging for a lower anesthesia only, saying I don't mind the pain, I can handle it and thinking I dont want to die.
They got me a fucking painful injection in the rachi but I said: okay okay I can handle it.
I am not scared of the pain.
but they got me.I am quite sure they knew they still would have me completely anesthetised.
so I dont know how they did it but they did it and I woke up alone in the room.
But I was alive. so I was reassured and of course after the injection I dont remember a thing. I hate this.
It's so weird.
and it looked like 15minutes ago while it lasted more than an hour and seb had to wait away.
Then I was taken to my room and searching everywhere for my sebastien.
Then it was the waiting and the doctors came to visit me.
we stayed there a whole day, too long.
I tried to sleep but hardly could fall asleep.
I had a deep pain in my low back.
I even told the anesthesist who lacked of respect, joking about my pain as if I was lying.
In my whole life that kind of attitude of people towards me had infuriated me badly.
What a bitch!
I was in real pain everytime I had to walk to go pee.
I could stand on my feet but the pressure of feet on the ground made the pain go worse.
Honestly right now the pain is still there, seems to slowly fade away.
I take paracétamol because it s the only thing I'm allowed for now.
So I deeply hurt physically and emotionnally.
the physical pain is trying to occupy my spirit I guess so I stop the crying.
I am wondering when seb will be pissed of at his disabled sweetheart asking him to help for every little thing.
This makes me feel so pathetic and diminished.
I was already so very tired during the first months of pregnancy and with this miscarriage I am just the ghost of me.
And I loathe this.
I know going through this hell together has made our love feel so stronger but I know myself when I hurt so bad how it awakes my witch.
seb firstly said I could throw my anger at him that it was ok,but honestly it would not be fun.
and I do know it's not right.
We will react to this loss differently and I have to accept this.
My gynecologist was hopeful saying I could try again to get pregnant in a month but at the hospital the gynecologist said that I lost much blood and that I had to wait for the uterus to feel better and wait three months before starting to try for baby again.
He said my uterus has been exhausted by the first months of pregnancy and the miscarriage and that it was better to be sensible.
I burst into tears again.
I cry everytime I think and know my little dream bliss is gone and I wont have a baby this year.
Right now though writing helps me let it all out.
freeing my soul of the weight of this pain.
I believe I need a month of mourning and crying.
Maybe more. I don't know.
I am trying to protect myself with ideas of how to cope with this.
making art to appease myself.
I am so incredibly sad that I waited so long to have a baby because now the time is counted even more and I have dreams of a family.
I would love at least 3 children.
It matters so much.
I have always wanted to be a mother from how far I remember it.
I have always been a mother anyways.
I remember how every morning I would wake up with a smile telling myself: I am pregnant with a little smile of amazement.
but these past fortnight I was feeling rather depressed.
Maybe it was the hormones or me feeling lonely.
Or perhaps I was feeling something wasn't right in this.
I have to accept I am empty again but I feel emptier than ever.
I feel incapable, ashamed, guilty and I know it's not right and I do know it's not my fault I don't need motherizing on this, this is just a feeling in me I have to deal with to understand and be over this.
When everything was happening I was not so surprised finally like I had lived this before, or like it was normal, like I just did not deserve some kind of bliss.
I know how harsh it is to think that way, it s a way of thinking that comes and goes...I know I should heal this bad energy for good.
and I will work on that.
Along these moments of pain sister Poetry was on my side throwing words, sentences, here and there, like little pebbles for me to keep walking, like hands to catch to prevent me from falling.
I won't tell you art is better when you suffer hell.
I just know art is a beautiful healthy therapy when you have to go through hell, it's your lantern, your fireflies,your sparks, keeping you company in the dark.
I wont be alone.
I will be in the arms of my solacing muses and for this I am grateful.
I am also deeply grateful for:
my Sébastien for all he did for me for making me not alone in this.
Gods, Goddesses ,the angels and all higher spirits who have gave me energy to handle this and who've protected me.
my family and friends for their support and care. Thank you so much for all the messages.
I must say it's way too hard not to cry when reading your kind words but I need them.
It's carrying me.
I am also grateful to still be alive.
I truly have no ideas at times how I will deal with this.
And of course I worry about another pregnancy.
I don't know what to do,what to hope for. I feel lost.
I also know my depressive tendencies and all, so I will have to keep strong and to heal, to fight the bad energy, the bad thoughts.
I will try not to lock myself in silence.
I thought I would be like this if I had to lose my baby. I thought I would just be numb like autistic and won't talk again.
but I am 30, I have to react, I want a family, I am not ready to give up and I do know it's common for first pregnancies to not go to terms.
But I was thinking if I had to lose it it would have been in the first month...not so close of the end of the first trimester.
I was being so hopeful.
I will allow myself to cry.
I wrote this poem with my little hopes just before going to gynecologist:
I know the dim meanders in the woods of Emotions
I know the serpents
I know the wells where we can throw the worse and innocence
One two three Breathe in
I know she's a spark and I know it's not so stark
I am stronger than the past centuries I've lived
The books have still to be written and bound
Nobody said love wont suffice
because this time I will refuse your precipice(...)
the dust the dust
everything is so low so slow
sinking & thinking deeper
The horizon is dancing with electric wires
tear the veils
they have wept for centuries
our raspberry fairies and they sang
"too many spiders between the sparks of pretty words"
We're not waiting for another tree of knowledge
She said I've read deeper and higher
That's why we are here
The most fascinating alleys of healing listen to the branches
listen closely when you sink
deeper in the mollasses of your hopeless souvenirs
It's not her dress anyways
We've got to run up that hill towards new amazing thoughts
I have always been here
The only respite I know
the brakes are lethal but the twisted paths are so long
In the dark of the night of her hair
I need to breathe she said you cannot cry this time
the tiny rinds were so sore
All of her little sisters came for the ritual
to surround with the light she needed on her dusk
Darkness can twinkle in my hands
I wonder why they are all so scared of their own loneliness
this blankness is etched
we cut the leashed of our evil kites when we know
the meanders of this road to embrace(...)
I am a bit scared to be alone at home on monday if I bleed again( though I dont know if I should or not bleed because doctors said everything and the contrary but I'll phone my gynecologist on monday and she'll )and I can't walk that much because of the deep pain in the back.
I keep praying Jesus,Kwan Yin and the Archangel Raphael to appease my pain and protect me so I recover my health and energy soon.
But I know the body part won't be the hardest to heal.