mercredi 8 avril 2009

things not to say to somebody who's just had a miscarriage, learn you jerks!

At the community babycenter.com I have found this so I am copying and pasting it for the people who still need to learn a lot to become Real Human Beings.


I shouldn't have been that painting

"What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss:

A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you.


Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby."

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. "


I found this list fantastic and anyone jerks or not could use a read to have a better empathy.
Even myself I could learn and also some made me smile with cynism.like the one with the mother who dies and then you can be grateful you still have a father.
It shows how absurd some words can be right?

I do know how hard it is anyways to put yourself in others' shoes, we wish we could do something.
Goodbye April

I try myself also to support other women who have recently miscarried, but I cannot imagine how they feel, I mean every pain is different, every baby lost is unique and it's a part of our history, how we lived our pregnancy, how much it was wanted and so forth...

Anyways I have receive lots of support in these past days and it has helped me to cope.
It's Such a Beautiful Day Not To Live

I am walking ahead one day at a time, grieving,not crying everyday, my art helps me big time, my friends are wonderful.
I guess if I truly felt lonely unheard and without any one to listen I would break down.
But I do feel the love and I am grateful, thank you all so very much!

Elle Saigne Autant qu'Elle Aime

strangely enough, this painting came to me on her own.
I had this Love card offered by a soul sister, just right before me on my desk and I felt okay.
I never thought I could paint a naked woman, I thought about it many times but never gave it a try, and here it just came to me, easily.
It gave me a lot of strength when it was complete.


running up that hill for amazing new thoughts

What they see about her

Time time it's only time
but the hands are piercing my heart and tearing my butterflies one by one
I barely recognize her face in the mirror
Is she gone
with her pretty eyes so empty and dark
A book graveyard in the depths of her gaze
she crossed the seas and desert she's all made of broken parts
nobody can play with me anymore
strangest season
cruellest springtime fucking sore lie
It's written on her pillow
"you never know Pain till the next"
On the marble my tears keeps writing
"I am so sorry"
*******************************
Explosion of words in a bleeding sky

it's only time my darling
like a garlands of tick tock weeping away
smiling away
I have to focuse on the tiny shadow of your red shoe dancing in the light
to keep my sanity
I'll be a sleepwalker
heading on the tightrope
not a safety net not even a mask
Go ask April why I feel so disabled
She keeps saying it did not happen
did not happen to me

And
how long could the void grow inside me
feels so ashamed while the sky bleeds
Explosion of words I'm still with you
I feel you're already without me
you just never made it
bleeding fountain of sorries

(...)
*********************************
collapse gently little spirit

These injuries like layers of slashed stars planting their sharp point in my heart
I am still walking baby
still walking
each foot leave their blood spots
nothing will ever sound sweetly romantic
I numb the wings I numb the machine
wires keep bleeding sounds I cannot decipher
please leave her alone when you hear this siren
leave her alone
collapse gentle little spirit
Am I still on the ground
They keep telling me you're so thin skinny darling
I swear I don't lie this time my dress was white
full of white love the purest kind
I can swear to God how much I love
In my mental screen it keeps printing you should hate me now
you'd rather hate me you'd rather avoid me now
I am cut below
I swim with fatigue in this dirty realm of heamoglobin
Did I give birth to a violet coffin
I want to vomit as soon as I see the sunlight in the morning
All these hellish noises creeps to my beds at night
I cannot believe I am belonging to this book anymore
Did I give birth to a pretty velvet tomb
(...)
*****************************************************************
I am still very exhausted but it's also because Insomnia bitch is back and I cannot help my brain to keep thinking, wondering, trying to find ways to heal.

But soon it's Easter time so I hope my parents will be caring and considerate enough to bring me some chocolate!
what? you didn't send me even a card for my bday not even a gift! It was fucking important I turned 30!
why did I have to feel forgotten at such a turning point in a woman's life?

argh. yeah. I get angry at silly things like that.
My hormones are all over the place too.
fatigue does not help.

I know they are not careless, they phoned me on my special days, but I wish I had received a card it was important to me, like they did for my 25 years old.
some dates are important that's all.

When I'll have children, I know they'll get a card each birthday, because I fucking care, because they'll be my heart!

In fact many people forgot to send me a card...I know it's just an attention but well it means a lot to me, surely because it reminds me all the time I am forgotten or I've been forgotten.
But I just focused on the ones who celebrated with me.

My emotions are strange at the moment.
I can be very sweet with a deeper empathy and forgive the ones who've hurt me.
Then I can be angry at stupid meaningless things just because it has a deeper hidden meaning to me.
I am feeling disconnected at times.
like my head has been chopped off.

but the muses are here, dancing around me,kissing me, embracing me with light and love. so are the angels.

Girls from the choirgirl hotel has ever been one of my favorite album by tori amos, though I do love most of them.
it's the album that made me discover and want to know her more.


Well I know we're dying
And there's no sign of a parachute
In this Chapel
Little chapel of love
Can't we get a little grace
And some elegance
No we scream in cathedrals
Why can't it be beautiful
Why does there
Gotta be a sacrifice

(tori amos)
singing also helps me, music lulls and carries my soul.


operator

Isn't that the way they say it goes
But let's forget all that
And give me the number if you can find it
So i can call just to tell them i'm fine and to show
I've overcome the blow
I've learned to take it well
I only wish my words could just convince myself
That it just wasn't real
But that's not the way it feels

Operator, oh could you help me place this call
'cause i can't read the number that you just gave me
There's something in my eye's
You know it happens every time
I think about the love that i thought would save me

(Jim Croce)

8 commentaires:

Sandra L. a dit…

I did not know you just celebrated your 30th birthday! Happy Belated Birthday to you! You are right--it is a very important time in a woman's life. Things began to happen for me when I was 30--great and wonderful things. I wish the same for you.

RowanDeVoe a dit…

Helene,
This list is very good and I am glad you posted it. I think everyone does feel differently about this and needs something different to heal or to feel a bit better or heard. I love what you wrote as well and I think Tori Amos has a lot to say about this as well as it is something in her past too.

The insomnia is not good! I know that when I have it I go over and over thoughts in my head and it makes me crazy. I am glad you have your art and I hope it helps at these times.

And, I was not sure when your birthday was so I am so sorry! It is a big birthday but not an old one! I don't even remember turning 30-it was my twin's wedding and I was so busy making everything for the wedding I just kind of forgot about it. You definitely need a lovely night out with those you love to celebrate your birthday even if it late! And, I wish I could be there!

And, I do light candles because they remind me to send good thoughts and that is always a good things! Please take care!
Love, merle

Anonyme a dit…

Something's are not meant to be, we should ask ourselves why and seek the answers. Calling people jerks is an unnecessary and negative position to take. Why share this with the world when it's clearly such a private ordeal?

Hélène Deroubaix a dit…

Dear anonyme who don't have the guts to say who you are, I bet I have an idea who you can be though
that kind of comment is unnecessary too, mind your own business ;-)

your comment is totally unwelcome as his your soul.

You are surely somebody I said goodbye I don't want to be your friend because I am surely totally uninterested in the nothing you have to share!

Your comment is an insult and such a huge fucking lack of empathy, go look your damn face in the mirror!

I just lost my baby, what the fuck with such a comment you asshole?

go get a heart, learn about this life and come back as a real human being!

To judge my position to take is not your job!
are you God little man?

I do what I want and if I feel like sharing because I have always been REAL like this and it seems to bother your ass I am so sorry honey go get a life and stop messing with mine, I am sorry if you can not open up in yours but I can and it has opened so many beautiful doors to me!

It is my blog I do write anything that I feel like writing!
go read something else instead of trying to hurt me, you can't.
I am stronger than you & that surely piss you off ;-)

"Something's are not meant to be, we should ask ourselves why and seek the answers."
as for writing this, your karma must stink really bad!

Lena Paloma a dit…

Dear Helene:

So sorry I miss your Birthday sister.
I do understand and you are toltally right to feel abandoned.
(((hugs)))
But :) I do have something for you going on the mail ASAP/
Much love,
Lena

PS: to the Anonyme coward:
You suck... Why saying that if you don't like it don't read you idiot!
Bad Karma to you who ever you are piece of #$@

BoneFolder a dit…

That was a really amazing list and I'm glad you posted it. It is so easy to say the wrong thing in the right spirit in times like these, especially for men who can never totally understand. After reading this list I went back with trepidation to read what I wrote. While I did kind of say one of the "don'ts", I was relieved at how many of the "do's" I wrote. It would have killed me to know I was making things worse. What my whole comment really meant to say, after all, was that I'm sorry this happened.

Anonymous: It's her fucking blog. She can write whatever she wants, if she wants to think out loud or express her private feelings, that's her right. It's also her right to criticize what people say about it.

Hélène Deroubaix a dit…

((((((((((lena))))))))))))))
thank you dear sister for making me laugh, you're just too cool!
I am so lucky to have wonderful faithful friend like you!
a huge hug
<3

Hélène Deroubaix a dit…

no you were great and caring Mike, I thank you so much!
I remember your message touched me!
Have a beautiful weekend!
Blessed be!