lundi 9 novembre 2009
The silver lining of my Pregnancy
I wanted to make a list of all the positive things about this pregnancy,because I am always complaining, repeating thousands times a day how tired I feel ahah, I guess I am not ready now to stop saying " I am so tired ;)" but I'll get used to it;)
not mentionning the pain in my poor little body ^__^;;
last night, well in the early morning I ached so bad I had to take a shower to apease that pain at 5 am... hey positive thinking I said!!! :p
-First thing is that my body feels even more feminine to me, more rounded everywhere and it's amusing to have such a bigger breast.
-I never have my feet and hands cold as ice anymore and I never feel cold.
-I take better care of my body, resting, putting creams, being gentle with it, eating more healthy, drinking much more( water of course)
-no more needs of much make up and foundation and even in fact I am not as much into wearing make up, the more natural it looks the better it is!
-I change in my taste for every and many thing it's very interesting,it's like living with more awareness,tasting,discovering new thing, being even more careless about what people might say or think ;)
for instance I feel more open to try new food I have never taste and I really love this because it brings newness in life to taste new thing it kills the routine:)
my life is really new in more than one way!
and also as for clothes style, I am having new taste and I keep thinking of buying a hat(like Michael jackson kind of hat) I am never sure if it suits me so well so I never buy it but keeps wanting it, so soon perhaps ;)
- I am more motherly and gentle than before, ha! when I shout and complain my darling would say the contrary, but in a way I am sure he sees this!
I have always been a loving person, but I care even more, I feel sweeter and more protective with the people I care about or the stranger who hurts and I empathise with.
- I am more stronger than I thought, I mean I do complain yeah I do;)
but really I also can hurt in silence I dont go so insane, I always tell seb" keep on sleeping!nevermind!" because I dont want to bother him and break his sleep.
I feel somehow complain makes me handle the pain and all unpleasant sides of my pregnancy better, the belly is heavy already sometimes when I walk but I am glad to carry this life,I will never ever take this LIFE for granted!
- I am more careless, everything glides on me, especially people's bad attitude and stuff like that;)
I am blessed with my love and family.
I still have my enraged side, especially when someone dares criticize my Sebastien, I show my lovely bat witch teeth, sugar blood sugar!;)
seb is wonderful he would just say leave them talk, he's always kind to everyone, no rancour, totaly not caring about mean people, never angry,never in a bad mood,never complaining,I keep thinking how perfect he is !
his only flaw right now would be not to drive ;) but he'll soon do that,I'm confident still hoping it'll happen;)
and his only vice is video games and to prefer to promote other's art and design instead of his and working much more on his.
he could do so many thing, publish a comics and so forth!
I so believe in all his talents and skills!
and even more in his becoming a father, I know it'll make me cry...
I have never met someone as sweet and kind to everyone,a pure good soul like it's rare to find, he's caring and I am so eager to see him as a dad.
so many wonderful pictures to take for sure!
really if there is something you'd better shut your ignorant mouth about his my love and family and perhaps also even my Soul, cuz you do not know me, humble humble babe;)
but really all my past, the pain, the disapointment, I'll keep making art about it just because in fact our dirty stories, our dark times can be very inspiring, thought provoking,making us think,and show how we grow to be our own individual, free and blessed, aware of our luck to be there and of all the things we have to share, all the things we've been through, all we've seen, all we've known, it can also help other change their life and not be trapped by the same kind of characters.
My most important point whenever I scream and bite in art( which truly makes me laugh out loud most of the time, because in a way people must say wow that woman! she kicks ass, she is violent she hates men she is angry better not cross her line etc etc... but truly I gently laugh when I do this, it's like the woman in me who expresses this is one of my best friend, we play together and have much fun "kniving male egos" the kind of male you would never want to be.
I myself am a man too.
I truly and deeply assert this.
My shiva and shakti sides make me complete, I have accepted the sacred marriage:)
I am aware of the man in me, very aware.
If I were to have a baby boy I was ready to joke about this, making a picture saying
" you've always know this woman has balls ;) but now she's got a penis too ^_____^;;"
Honestly I do not care what people think of my words especially if they want to misinterprete or think I'm too this or not enough that.
Like I said before think what you , I am glad to be me deal with it, be glad to be yourself for Goddess's sake!
I would never want to be anyone else, though in the past I wondered if that thought was not masochistic ahah ^_^;;
as for men well I mostly love them dead : Baudelaire,kurt cobain, Jim morrisson,michael jackson...
I am kidding obviously.
I think in the past I used to be more sensitive to people's bad attitude towards me, I just know they generate negative energy and I just have to find my way back to my own positive energy.
Even if I am even more emotional and sensitive since pregnancy I must say my emotions are mostly towards this pregnancy or everything good, things that moves me, touches me, beauty and kindness in this world.
Gosh baby is dancing, I should not put Britney spears aloud ;) ahah
Heart shaped box
let's try some nirvana;) sure my baby will love it;)
ha! I imagine us singing this together, that would be cute!
if it ever happens I would surely share this on youtube ahah;)
I believe Happiness is the best Art to share:)
because it makes other good souls derive joy and emotions from it and get inspired.
There are many mothers who I look up to and love their photos of their children, their bond to them etc.
I really hope to have a beautiful bond with my daughter because yes it is a fae child just like her mom, another pisces fae child ^_____^;;
sebastien darling brace yourself for the whimsy circus you'll have at home now ^_^;
- another good thing about pregnancy, I'm less vain;) ahah, naah I still love clothes and make up and all mind ya!
but I dont give a damn to wear what I found and feel comfy in and sometimes I go out with such a grungy eccentric style ,it makes me laugh;)
but who cares?
- I cook! Yes! it's not only pregnancy,but I am sure somehow I want to be a good mother and wife, to take care of my family, yeah a true desperate housewife;)
honestly I have always wanted to cook but I was not ready for it perhaps, right now when I cook dinner I feel like a grown up( laughing) it's so strange to me ;)
I just love food and eating, and there is creativity in cooking, and I can not stand routine, so the same for food!
I also want to cook healthy things for my child.
it pleases me also to please others with my food:)
- My faith in God(Goddess) is bigger than ever.
I believe in God deeply, in the angel, the good energies around us, the power of energies and how we attract like minded souls to us.
I have met lovely souls and made new friends, and I am happy of this renewal, always hoping for forevers in friendship:)
ephemeral is fine , we learn and discover a new world with others but when it lasts when we entertain the bond it's really interesting!
My faith is not like everyone, I don't go to churche, I do pray many different ways, I believe in Light mostly
I love Jesus.
Lately I have been more in touch with Saint Michael although known as Archangel Michael, I needed him to give me my energy back and wonderfully enough the next day I was feeling better.
I also talk with the goddess who protects women.
I never enjoy it when people say" oh you're pagan I dont believe in this, so maybe you will be bother, I am just catholic"
I do not care about this.
religion sucks mostly.
Faith is beautiful and it is good, powerful and whatever the God you're talking to, it does not matter.Even agnosticism does not matter.
sometimes you can have faith in something else.
What matters is to stay open minded, tolerant and never judgemental about this.
I have never understood the people who crash their opinions on you, especially when they dont believe at all and somehow they want to make you see they are right.
what is your point in doing so?
I do not understand.
But my faith increased this year right after my miscarriage strangely enough.
because I did feel surrounded by Love, the angels and God/Goddess.
I was not alone in this.
I have seen the way life is beautiful and how strong human being can be.
I have been able in this nightmare to find the lighted way to beauty.
My faith in God/Goddess have always helped me a lot and made me chose what was right.
well there is surely a lot more of good sides of this pregnancy:)
I am feeling more natural, like eating more healthy and being careful on everything I use,products to clean and cosmectics etc
I am thinking of the baby's birth and I want it natural too.
This is important to me.
just like my wish to breastfeed no matter what.
I hope things will go this way and be possible.
I still have to realise I am having a baby girl, my wishes has been granted, my dream will come true, it's gonna be the most wonderful day of my life.
I can't wait to meet her, to look in her eyes.
to see how she looks like.
We could not see much on the u/s.
We can be everything and unashamed of our emotions
we are not our emotions
we are not our behaviours
we are not our images
we are not what you see of us
we are more
we are less
we are beyond
and as everyone will keep misreading our soul
We cannot justify
But to avoid misunderstanding
let set things clear
I am but a human being like most of you (...)
that was my Halloween self;)
a painting of this summer that I finished recently
I don't like it that much to be honest
I prefer that one
I want to work on more twisted imperfect things
I want to keep working on the emotional
Emotions are LIFE.
these little girl pictures I did in June, make me even more eager to take pics of my daughter !
I want to scream her name, it's hard to keep the secret ahah;)
Ego lickers(I do not need you)
perversion(shhh I'm a witch)
control freak(I'm untamable)
living in denial
using feminine empathy to trap my sisters
narcissus momma's boy(I wont lick your ass)
fucking lecturers " if you know me so well tell me which hand I use"
raging testosterone why punching X into the walls
I am not made of your rib
this picture is a part of an artwork project called" Soul Laundry"
I love how art is a way to express any and everything beyond your own self.
I look at the works I did I really wonder wow how did it come to me like this?
It's intense the moment of creation, you are guided
I always am amazed surprised and say "I did that?" " I wrote that?"
I keep wondering what were the muses dancing inside my soul at that moment.
knives, teeth, bat wings...
of course little sister I believe in the real men, there are good male souls out there but I have to share the eerie tale of what I have seen(...)
Beware little sister, sometimes sugar can rip your heart and they hide behind their poet or artist attire to better disapoint you, they know the best art of sweet dirty lies(...)
well I guess I should call it my new controversial and surely polemical set because it surely does not please everyone
but give me my free speech and go watch other art that fits more your personality while I indulge in the freedom of artistic expression.
I don't always take all the credit of my art work, I thank my muses and the invisible spirits who guided me through the post processing of my images.
It's magical when art happens.
but it's not just me. we are all co-creators always.
because good music is better to share more than once;)
I am very eager to get tori amos solstice new cd.
People are tiring about criticizing her on things that are absurd, like they are not able to accept she has grown spiritually and could go on and on in circle telling the same things, she's a mother now, she has more to say.
People think she's gone on the soft side, well I remember smokey joe and I dont believe this.
of course she's softer somehow, motherhood is wonderful for this, we are more serene and towards the loving than our anger.
but she surely have still some anger towards many things that revolt her.
and at this time of the year, after such a strange year, I am pretty eager to listen to her softness, it'll be beautiful and apeasing.
2009 has been a strange year in more than one way.
A lot of deep pain,disapointment, ends, and the most beautiful blisses.
I have tears in my eyes when I think of my daughter.
I feel it's such an intense bliss to me that I need time to welcome all emotions about this wonderful surprise.
Life with all its magic of highs and lows.
I could not believe it!
Sebastien is so happy too,he wanted a girl too:)
Something you've been waiting for so long is near to happen, you have to be responsible for it.
that fear of bliss you know,it could be taken away, it could go wrong if I am not careful about everything.
It's not pressure.
I just really want to give the best for my daughter like most moms want.
There is so many things I want to share with her.
My passions for words, poetry,mixed media painting,singing together, reading her stories I loved as a child, telling her secrets about grown ups ;)
I want to be able to remember my own childhood and also to make a difference with what is important and what is not.
well voilà for the news!
The best is to come always ;)
Live & love before it's too late!