Emotions rolling down my face...Oh my Goddess!
I've had such a week,such a phase...sometimes we just have to go through all these emotions and let go, shed all residue of how they make us feel,how they make us see ourselves,the false connections, the wrong beliefs they may create...
I did meditation today and regression. Thank you so much Chantal!I dont know how I can really thank you for helping me so much on this journey, I may not show it much or enough but I am sincerely grateful.You show me the way to healing energies and you've taught me so much in just one year!Thank you blessed be my high prietesse indigo angelic friend!
I shed tears like a baby when I did the traveling through past lives to remember and heal. I am not sure I did it right. I managed to see things but not clearly.
All I know is that the first cd and second part worked on me!
I cried...big emotions.
It's really strange because it's not as if I had no reasons to cry. I am really feeling better here and now. Much better and alive and wanting to feel alive and more alive always.
I am rinsing the dirt,cleansing the dust, feeling some healing...or possible healing, possible blooming...
I have to be me, I have to stop living on fears and worries way too much and all this so useless and boring stress...
I am not so stress but maybe I just conceal it to myself, pretending it s allright will be fine etc, but denying is no good either because then I feel anxiety and think ok what if I die??
A Gate to my Soul without exist
Maybe it's better to be a Flower at the Door
Than growing in my Heart Garden...
I feel Loved, Goddess I am loved...Is it all about Love?
Is it just that?
My fire, my power, my machine, what makes me go on...Is it Love?
Are these swirling fireflies the drug I cannot live without?
I am but a soul infatuation junkie?
Do people understand the land of the soul? the landscapes we can see? the magic that can arise,protect,comfort,heal,celebrate?
I am alone in this?
Love gives you power.Whatever you call love, no matter what kind of love it is, there is mystic ways to step in and to wash our souls to make things easy, to prevent the hurt,all possible hurt.
I know I really like and want to sort of take care of many souls.
I met them by chance by destiny,there is connection or not, but there is an exchange & friendly communication.
I am grateful for these people.
I always bless them with love, with anything they want in their life.
Not that I am a fairy or something, but I don't sign " blessed be" out of the wicca thing.
I am not wiccan.
It is fairy magical blessings to me.
It's saying many things in just an expression, it can mean I hope you will feel warm energies and heal, I am wishing for your bliss, I hope your day will be great and whatever is in your life and depending of course on the person I am talking to.
My sébastien is adorable lately.
Sure he still hasn't found a job. we won't worry.We are hopeful.
He is taking care of me, accepting so much of me, my true angel really.
I am so blessed for that.
Naaaah I don't idealise him mind you! ahah
^___^we still have our weekly fights mwahhahah ^___^;;
we're a lovely old couple( kidding) but I can be me all the time, I don't have the need to hide anything.
I guess it's also the freedom my parents gave me, to just be me.
By the way baby missed them this weekend( saw them last weekend,which is why I'm calling myself baby:P)and my mom phoned me, synchro I guess ^_^
I could chat a bit with her and then with my father. It was good really.
I have been published for several artworks, small artsquared in fact ,in somerset studio Gallery
aaah I was really surprised and happy as it was unexpected!
I should submit more but its such a stress to send original artworks, you feel you're sending sentimental things and they could get lost or whatever...anything can happen as they keep them for a long time...of course mine came back safe and sound, but It's still a stress to wait and see and hope:)
But I am glad of this publication,really grateful that people believe and acknowledge my talent.
It's beautiful,comforting and so cheering!
Like all the amazing constant beautiful support I get from strangers and friends at flickr or at my fairy attic.
It is big.
It means so much to me and I am feeling loved.
I guess one of my biggest problem in life is this huge lack of love.
I am not sure it s a lack of self love, as most people who really know me and my soul( my daemon should I say? just saw the golden compass, beautiful! I loved that little girl, felt it was me as a child...ooooops seb didnt like her much ahah, I was telling him I want a daughter like that ahah ^___^)
Maybe it s not a lack of love, it s a lack of feeling it,acknowledging it,realising it,accepting it, believing in it for sure
Not that I feel I don't deserve it. I am just a small helene...
I just fear idealizations and wrong projections people can have of me, the ideas they can form of me that I am probably not.
ah! I wonder!
I always wonder how the world see me...am I fucking self centered??^____^;; laughing
naah, I'm just an artist who needs echoes.
I don't make art for others or to please but I like when people get me on what I do,when they can enter it and then it's a real embracing of my being.
It's like saying you're right to do what you do, I hear you, I feel the same or I can understand.
One of the most beautiful thing people say to me is" you inspire me"
It's something that really touch me deeply because it's not just me, it's that possibility, that opening, that in creating I will help generate more life/creation and so then more beauty(we'll define beauty another).
It is sincerely not just self absorded ego that needs caresses, it is LIFE spreading,Love spreading.
That in giving loving myself and making what I make, I help other do the same and they will also inspire and it will be a never ending pay It forward
aaah sighs sighs my dreamer!
I am blessed for that anyways.
If I can't really make money with art at least I will make love( not sexual here guys;P you see what I mean, produce and scatter love...)
It's more than just glamour bombing,it's aiming at something higher and developping all my possibilities.
I want to unfold my wings and try and see what I can do, may it be healing energies, intuitive connections/understandings, developping all this, embracing this, learning there and become a hopeful even more balanced and peaceful me.
Not boring peaceful but being able to live sorrows with more hope and acceptance or maturity I dont know...
I wanted the title to be: 'the most loving and compasionate bitch'at first as a reference of tori amos book when she writes about women who are powerful( self assertive, real and strong..)and who end up being called ' bitch' and most of the time these powerful women are the most compassionate and loving creatures.
well she said it all better but anyways I enjoyed that passage in her book very much.
so here it's a sort of human persona/interpretation of Kuan Yin being sexier ahah
I didn't mean to draw an asian woman but I am really glad how it turned, it all just came to me.
"Kuan kin is a chinese goddess of mercy and compassion she is particularly a protector of women.
Kuan yin is a symbol of unlimited compassion each of us can have for ourselves.No matter what the situation,it is possible to treat ourselves with mercy and Love"
(text by Michael babcock from the goddess knowledge cards)
I did some editing or pimping ^_^self portraits by Jen, the first one being my fav!
I m feeling that I have friends who care and even if I have my S.A.D problems and vertigos and that I'm not feeling good because of these I have to connect their and use the strenght they blow into my soul and give the love back.
Of course I still do love when I'm sad, but I have this tendency to need solitude and to reject because I hate to admit it when I am feeling really down rather for nothing.
Not really nothing but well there is worse.
Yet Emotions are quite difficult to control and tame.
But this S.A.D didn't make me feel as sad as I was at the beginning of this year.
so here and now I should write down my assessment of this year 2007, all the blessings I received,the fairy friends I met, the twin spirited souls...
I am very immensely thankful/grateful for this.
I met you this year, whoever you are, friends,soulmates,flickr contacts,supporters ^__^my cheerleader fairies and believing mirrors (laughing)
thank you thank you all so much!
It's not fake to sound pretty or to rinse my soul of the guilt to be sad when I have so much to be proud and feel blessed for.
I am proud and blessed to be loved by you.
I am honoured to be loved by you. honoured to have you shared your stories, confide to me, laugh with me,play with me,dream with me, hope with me, or shout at the world with me ahah
there are more than one friends.
so I'd like also to discuss jealousy.
The harsh things.
I used to be jealous...hum...ok ok my Honesty where have you been hiding? ahah
I am still jealous sometimes for sure,out of insecurity,doubts, lack of self confidence, fear of losing my place...
but all these things are useless, we should shed them in the Garden of trust and let flowers bloom without blood, no need for tears to make them grow except if it's tears of joy
and yes this week strangely enough I have had tears of joy/blessings in my eyes but I kept them.
Perhaps because it's not so easy to let go.
I hate to generate jealousy to be the cause of it.
I try to give as much as I can to the ones I care.
I won't be able to send xmas card to everyone of course ,wanted to deny this celebration and go hibernate or meditate in some temple in Nepal ^_^
but I have changed my mind, I want to share love and gratitude for the ones who spent this year giving to me,celebrating with me and sharing ideas and thoughts with me.
Stay with me next year and longer if you want to I'd be happy...
Sometimes I should write on a post it somewhere, Just fucking live and love now and whatever the rest, life is fragile, everything can transform, evolve,maybe change too...
we are constantly growing in our spirits & souls.
We are remembering all these mental maps, the ways, the circles when we just remain stuck, the wells when we give up...
I want to let go, I want to not live in drama,questionning it it,worrying if I am good enough for everyone or everything I care about and want to do or say.
I want even more freedom to be.just be.
Not to stay focuse on me and my growth. but to expand and be able to reach out and give, whatever the consequences.
Nothing is serious.
It is just life isn't ?
we should just be able to laugh at everything even if we make mistakes.
Everything is in the here and now.
People have to feel responsible and willing to accept what they share and want to live.create.give.spread etc.
I am willing to.
I will cut some emotional wires to feel better.
I will get myself ready for 2008.
I began 2007 with heart break.My Muse leaving me alone.
My art dying.My feelings getting into the void and this need to make connections,to feel understood and share...
It looks now as if It has ever been ^____^smiles
but it's just since March or April that I began to feel better and interact with other.
The community Create a connection has been a great place, I know I don't go there much now,not out of ungratefulness or carelessness but lack of time alas.
always too many emails(oh I dont say this to complain not at all, I love interactions,I love conversations and it makes me smiles,inspire me etc:) always good!sometimes an addiction!!) to answer,photoshop to play,painting and desperate housewife chores mwahhahahah ^___^ etc
My life in 2008 shouldanyways be busier,that's the good news, kidding, in a way it is in another ways...well...I will have to be much better organise to be able to chat with friends and reply emails!
That's on my resolution list since too many years now : Organization ahah
I began this year with a heavy heart ,big emptiness and huge solitude, things to heal, things to forgive and forget... a trust issues, rancour, abandonments I needed to heal.
I am healed now.I do remember the best only and what has been lived and inspired.The best can always stay in my heart.
But I don't no I refuse to stay attached to sad thoughts of past,not forget sadness is like eternal mourning.
Turning the page has helped me find what I have ever wanted/searched for.
Deep soulful and meaningful connections and especially my best friend Jen...I don't know but this year would have been empty without you.
I will end this year knowing my heart is filled with flowers of stars and tickling fairy dust
some things make me smiles big, makes me giggle.
I am alive.
I will heal that damn vertigo & everything will be alright,seb will get a job,my business will start good and ideas and good things will come because I am working for it.
I have not stopped working for this, never really given up.
I have been published this year more than last year.
I have also received proposition to be featured in online zines and such.
I am working.
It's not easy to be a full time artist but I won't give up at the beginning.
I am pissed off when people say I am a young artist, as if I had begun making art yesterday, I should also add to learn more humility next year ahah
naaah I am really humble but its just that I am making mixed media art since late 2004 so I am not a debutant, but I do understand what people mean and Its true.
I just teach myself to dare to paint this year.
Been hearing my Inner Muse more closely.
I know now what I can do.
and I am a total beginning at photography art and photoshop,for this I'll be very shy and humble for some more years ahah ;-) but don't cross my lines too far I dare you!!
No really it s true I am beginning to developpe my artist path I surely will hopefully grow and improve, I will learn new techniques, I will discover new inspirations.
Hopefully I will begin 2008 with my Muses ^_^ on my side.
I am trusting if you keep cling to what is the best in this life you can make it,never give in never give up,be you always,dare more, erase fears, delete what people made you think of you and the image they create of you.
I apologize by the way if I have created wrong mental images of you.
I will delete them too.Everyone is allowed to be different, unique and not compartimentalized and we should not think of a person's thoughts and reactions before asking and seeing, there s nothing much better and liberating than truth and immense honesty.
that surely why I am naked, in real in my soul on pictures sometimes.
Not because I am a total exhibo( though I should acknowledge some things here ahaha ^__^)
(that girl is silly I swear to you, I've known her for now 28 years and some months but she always can surprise me ^_^)
It's good to rise again.
Please sisters in tough times do take my head and dig in my energy source and take what you need to feel better, I don't want you to live in forever darkness you do deserve so much more, promise me to remember your beauty and uniqueness, you know who you are and you know I care.
Free hugs and season greetings for everyone( laughing...if you know you know how cost me to say that ahahahha, hate xmas, long story...but with time I'll love it again and cry with joy I know that ^___^)
Merci beaucoup to each of you <3
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