I want my baby!! where is my baby???

“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.”
(Rumi)

I just want to scream and yell. I am so fed up!
I am so pissed off I can't bear this anymore!
And I just hate this state, my emotions are all over the place!
I am crying way too much...even last evening I was just like a baby...

hormons must really kick in, but also the physical fatigue and discomfort of these last days of pregnancy are just too much, each day I have to keep telling myself: we're almost there, hang in there, it'll be fine, things happen for a reason, Nina's not ready...
This makes me feel so sad.
There is no day now when I feel good, I try to smile and cheer myself up thinking and focusing on the fact she'll soon finally be there.

But then I worry, I wonder is she okay?
I so believe she'll be better out of me...I don't like the idea of baking her any longer
as if I just did not trust my body anymore...yet it did all the work all these months.
But I have no sign of me getting in labour anytime soon.
no contractions, nothing at all.

I am just utterly drained, wandering in my so messy apartment, depressing!
I feel lonely and jailed.
trapped in my body and unable to go out for some fresh air, be in the nature, just to be outside!
to do normal things!

I have always been an indoor cat, but lately this cat life is horrible!
sleeping so much, eating way too much, I have never ate like this.

Anyways when you tell people you don't like being pregnant they look at you all surprised or maybe disapointed, and you should feel ashamed and guilty
especially because I had a miscarriage first and thus I should feel blessed and grateful
but fuck!
I truly am grateful and I want more children, I am still allowed to vent and express my emotions...it's just unbearable in the end for me.
I haven't had a wonderful pregnancy, it was a real hard work!

psychologically emotionally and physically
the first months, with the fear of losing my baby again...
the worries
and all the unpleasant symptoms that keeps adding each months and the never ending nauseas!

people say pregnancy is not a disease yeah sure, but I truly felt sick most of the time so yes I did not enjoy it
I only had about two months of feeling better and handling the pregnancy, so I took more pictures, to still keep a memory...

and besides it's something very disturbing to have another one inside you, you kind of lose yourself.


Enough
Enough
Pretty
pretty lies
juicy and rounded uglily alive
no flowers just mud under layers of what's not me
Spread myself so thin
heavily emptied
gates of hormonal chaos
whatever the name
choking under crumpled papers so wrapped under
choking under what's not me
where is the window
Avalanche of sighs
rockslide can't lull me to sleep
night creeping every night
lonely blanket
so isolate try to take the hours away in my wonderful nightmares
Monster of the mirror
another thirteen days
gotta walk through this molasses
Welcome to the blind thoughts palace
no fear of the hands neither of the glass hour
I'm so cold yet sweating every night
like melting from all that is not mine
remote in space and time
melody of meaningless tick tock
vomiting the absence of patience
crawling on a floor I can't even recognize
nerves dancing like electric wires on the humid dirt
segretation of my mind
I can't breathe
where am I
where is me

I truly am ready to have my baby now, more than ready,and I am not scared of being in labour
I am waiting for the first contractions!bring them on! damn it!!
I have read so much, seen so many videas, went to birth class with sebastien, I am so ready.
I just can't believe I am still 40 weeks hugely pregnant, can't believe this.
with no signs, nothing, just as if it'll never happen, just as if my body was failing at doing it's last most important job!


I wish somebody could understand.
but the only ones who can are the women in the same boat at the moment, for those who are already mothers, they have forgotten they just know the drawback of the after birth.

I dont give a fucking damn about the drawbacks after, I have ever dreamt of this moment to happen, to finally be a mother, to enjoy my baby's every smile, to get to know her each day, to marvel at her discovery, new learnings and her face...
oh I just cannot imagine her face
I never can
It's still so unreal
It makes me feel so sad.

I am so fed up of people idealising pregnancy and not being aware of all the drawbacks of this.
I haven't had a wonderful and easy pregnancy, I wish I had!
I hope the next one will feel better because yes indeed I still want more children, I'll have to be brave for this!
but I still want to believe each pregnancy is different, so hopefully I'll be stronger for the next one!

I need to do like Katie holmes, they say she is getting herself ready like for a marathon, because pregnancy has to be prepared like this!
yeah maybe it's true!
It's very demanding on our body!

so we perhaps need the man to make a baby but really we women do the most important part,the most draining and life changing of this work of baking a baby!
Our body changes, hormons are all fucked up, we can feel disconnected, and even more sensitive than before, we are at the same time weaker and stronger!





I know anyways that I have ever wanted to bear life inside me, but I am truly depressed not to have really enjoy it, I am sad because it was totally not the way I imagined it, we are not told the truth about pregnancy when we're younger!

Perhaps if we told the teens, there would be less of them pregnant too early out of being too carefree.

I remember my friends when I was a teen, they did not want children just because they were scared of the birth.
well I do believe the birth is the best time of pregnancy!
The most painful and draining are all these neverending months and this neverending week of waiting for a sign, will Nina come soon?
why is she not eager to meet us?

I kinda feel I am appearing like a bad mom because I don't enjoy pregnancy but to me there is a real difference between pregnancy state and motherhood.
I will adore motherhood.

I love Nina so much already, I so wish she was finally there.
The waiting is kinda like a torture for my emotions cuz I just cannot imagine her face, not be reassured about how she is, if everything is fine...and when you're feeling bad it's so easy to be invaded by negative thoughts...
I just hate it!

I am trying to breathe, accept the situation, I do know it could be worse, it just emotions and fatigue...



Anyways people are unable of empathy when they just cannot really imagine the situation you're living and especially when they have their opinion on the subject.







and everyone keep asking the damn question: have you had your baby yet?



I am just hoping I wont have to be induced, I still so want a natural birth, no meds, just Nina and I working as a team to bring her to life, and my adorable sebastien who will be our coach and wonderfully sweet support
I am so eager to live this special day of deep emotions.
it will be magical!beautiful!
I will surely just cry on the way to the maternity because I wont believe we're finally there, we'll meet her!
Oh my!


my darling rainbow baby ,why don't you come?
I know I know I have waited my whole life I can wait another week, what is a week after all I've been through...
big sighs









the cover of the poetic terrorism book is done by Anna Malina Zemlianski.
All my books are still available, if you ever want to buy some just contact me and I'll let you know how to do.

I am going to be a mother soon. It will happen.Finally.
Hey maybe perhaps for my bday who knows?
a birth, rebirthday day and the birth of my beautiful baby girl, ha!

I am turning 31 on the 11 th of march, I can't believe this!
I feel I was 21 yesterday!
But my life has changed so much in a year,it's amazing!

I am so eager to shake the negative energy and replace it with love emotions.
Nina darling, please, I am aching to finally meet you my sweetest springtime...and your daddy is so impatient too and poor him he has to bear with me being such a wreckish pain!