Only those in my case can understand this I bet.
I try my best, I have naps, I eat well though honestly I don't have a huge apetite lately.
Today in the morning I felt sad and lonely as Sébastien had to go back to work after his "father holidays".
I can handle Nina alone, but I do miss my love.
I am just so eager for a time just the three( okay Takun can come too;)the four of us somewhere, anywhere...
But I believe in the quiet country house, it'll be perfect.
with memories and also the beauty of all beginnings as parents.
I am eager for summer holidays.But still so far.
Time flies honey time flies
Egraine t-on alors nos bonheurs comme une myriade de perles dorées scintillantes qui volent au vent
si je goutte chaque perle de rosée et les gouttes de pluie sur mes lèvres
je savoure ce printemps
je vis profondément chaque instant
même s'ils m'échappent
je les fige
tes sourires
tes soupirs
qui font naître nos échos
mon petit coeur d'amour
est ce que les bonheurs finissent tous toujours un jour
(...)
Now I am going to bare my soul so bear with me and my honesty and need to share and vent, or just don't fucking read.
strangely enough on that day I complain & couldn't bear being pregnant any longer(post of the 9th march)I got the first contractions
very bearable
then at around midnight it was stronger
we decided to go to the maternity
I was not sure what to do
I was talking to a girl on a forum who was having contractions too
it was nice to share & get some support
For this I am very grateful to forums where I've been able to vent share & meet such lovely women!
we went to the maternity got a monitoring & we came back home
I hardly slept that night due to the contractions
so when you have slept two hours the previous night, isn't it so hard to be the next day in labour for 10 hours?
Goddess how profoundly exhausting this whole was!
the next morning I was stressed and deeply emotional.
I got a flower bouquet from my parents in advance for my birthday and Goddess knows why I burst into tears I haven't cried for centuries if I ever had.
I did not know such tears.
It was a whole of emotions, a mix of thoughts, maybe things linked with past and future existences, I cannot explain.
I was crying so loud and laughing at the same, like totally out of control with my deep emotions.
A really strange but cleansing moment.
Sebastien kinda laugh at me, he did not understand why I was in such a state.
Guess people would say: ha women! hormones!
I must say that even if it was a loud and weird deep crying as if somebody died I felt really good to let it all go, I just couldnt contain all those tears.
I broke a dam & poured my soul emotions, past ,present, future.
then we ate lunch & went to the maternity.
The contractions were then more painful and more regular.
My cervix had thinned, labour was on.
To see the state of my cervix was a terribly painful experience!
Because Nina's head was very low, thus the midwife had to go deep down and under Nina's head...if you are a woman you can imagine how painful this can be!
I never moaned and growl out like some wild beast you know.
It was so weird, of course after I felt like apologizing, I just could not control my body and how the sounds came out of me, it was just too painful, hard to bear without screaming!
Plus I had a male midwife so I looked in seb's eyes who understand without a word that I was even more scared!
male means bigger finger thus more pain...poor me!
But he was a real nice midwife, with long hair, a really patient,sweet and understanding/reassuring midwife!
I never insult neither shout at any midwife, I have heard of stories like this because women were in too much pain.
I know they did their job and they were all so sweet, tender, supportive and understanding that really I had nothing against them.
On the contrary I was deeply grateful to each of them.
the hours went on.
The night mare rides on.
I tried to think of my baby, my little poney...she'd be soon in my arms.
I tried my best to deal with the contractions.
Seb rubbed my back, I tried all the soothing position, the balloons, everything.
The homeopathy helped me at least for the cervix to thin, but the pain could not be appeased.
warm water, cold water.
It was always more difficult to bear.
I tried to keep joking.
seb showed me a funny video on his cellphone, of him in the woods during our latest winter holidays to the mountains...he had done a little scary movie, that was cute :o)
it made me laugh, I was still standing and breathing.
When the midwife came to check me, I would say:
Oh yes I'm all right,I'm handling it!
thinking: I am a fucking warrior!
and it went on and on.
I was often scared to ask seb what time it was.
I looked at the sky.
I tried to think happy thoughts.
The next checking of my cervix was the breaking point.
I bent my body so bad on the table, I screamed: please!!!stop!!!
I begged him to stop, it was just awfully painful and like such a violation.
It felt like the fingers are entering to rip all my insides!
but the result was rather good and reassuring: I was around 6/7 cm dilated.
Close to the end...but I did not know how long the following would be, so at that point, I began to hesitate about the epidural.
What can I do?
I asked sebastien. He was all worried and did not know what to say, he remembered me telling him to prevent me from having the epi if I am not strong enough...
was I not strong enough?
Is it about my strength or just the threshold of my pain tolerance?
I just could not bear it anymore
I was physically just a load of pain...had so many hours of pain that it's like you get used to them, these waves of knives in the middle...
I know now why I could not imagine how contractions would feel.
It's something you have never lived before,it's a really strange pain...and honestly after you cannot remember the feeling of this pain...not that you forget it, you remember how you hurt so bad but you can't remember how it felt...so strange...
a nightmare you cannot really completely recall.
I had to make up my mind, and it really broke my heart, I was so worried about the epidural, and all I read about it was the negative aspect...I have never really read about why to have it, the effect, the positive aspect of it...
I was rather unaware and so not into having it!
It is something deeply painful in your soul to have to renunciate to your wish, your idea of the ideal birth...
can a birth be ideal anyways?
Oh I have read so many stories of natural birth, the girls were in pain, felt like animal but they dealt with it and baby came quickly, things went well.
Maybe I haven't prepared myself enough to deal with the pain?
I haven't done much yoga during pregnancy, not enough meditation either...as for Shakti Gaiwan visualisation, well I tried.
But from this moment everything went awry.
I took the epidural.
I felt so very bad asking for it and I felt : okay now I am putting my life in God's hand and the medical staff... and all those shitty drugs...
For from a dreamed birth completely natural, healthy and pure I went towards an over medicalised labour and birth.
I had it all
syntocinon, antibiotics at the end, etc. etc.
I felt all drugged
I felt so bad.
I am a girl who hardly take meds when she's in pain you know and I prefer soft medecine.
I wonder if I could have dealt better with the contractions if there were an hot tub in the maternity?
perhaps.
I love water, it's always apeasing to me.
As soon as the epi effects appeared I regretted having it.
I wanted to ask them to stop it! I hated it so bad!
I was not scared of the needle or pain of it.
but the effect of the drugs of the epi.
Just awful.
shaky legs, no control.
spiny thrills in my butt and lower back, sweating a lot, fever and of course Mrs Anxiety.
I would not say long time not seen.
But I began to be really scared.
I just hate to feel "possessed" and that my body is not mine anymore.
I felt some kind of chills in my brain and I was so scared to faint, the anxiety was devouring me during all the rest of the labour and delivery.
I prayed.
I prayed to hang in there, to keep my mind focused on faith and forget the fear.
I was repeating myself: am I going to die?what is the meaning of life?
I was falling into despair.
Sebastien was wonderful all along the birth.
He was always there for me, kissing me, hugging me,putting water on my face, giving me my rescue remedy, thank you Bacchus flowers!
I would have surely lost it without them!
You really fear you are going to die.
Not just because of the pain, but because it's getting so long and tiring and your body is lying on the table in such a state, you wonder what is happening to you, you have a hard time to realise, it's me here on this table and I am going to soon meet my baby.
I am going to give birth to my baby.
I felt very disconnected.
I was angry at myself, frustrated to have taken the epidural.
Finally came the time when I had to push.Finally!
The pushing part was just awful.
So very long and draining.
I thought I would never make it.
I was feeling again the contractions pain but lighter of course.
Honestly I was feeling better when I could feel some pain again because it meant the epi was going down and I would be freed of this shit soon!
my legs kept moving on their own way, out of control.
my hands too at times.
I was shaky.
I pushed.
we first tried a birth on the side, but they did not like it...I prefered this position though but I had to go back on my back and push this way.
The very unatural way to give birth!
How can you push a baby down, when you are on your back?
Even if seb put my head a bit above to see, it did not work this way for me!
I wish I could have been more up perhaps...
They all encouraged me to push. I was hearing all these voices in my head, from afar
I was so lost inside my head.
I wanted to give up at some point and here the lovely Helena was a bit tough to re-motivate me.
She was a really fantastic midwife, so young and still so deeply dedicated to her work,so very attentive, understanding and supportive!
I was very lucky that she helped me give birth to Nina.
I am deeply grateful to her and I have a big admiration for her and for all the midwives.
Those who took care of me were all very dedicated to their job, I admire this, the responsibility of these people and their sweetness.
It's something you need, because if you're going to be a mom, you really feel like a baby when you are in such pain and fear, you need some feminine tenderness to feel soothed.
I loved when the midwives put their hands on my shoulder or leg or they would take my hand to reassure me ,to be with me in this,to empathise.
it was beautiful and so human.
I pushed,and pushed.
I got worried, because I seemed to be really bad at pushing which discouraged me a lot.
But then Helena asked me if I wanted to touch Nina's head.
I did, to be reassured, to feel it was real and to be comforted I was close to the end of this Hell.
It was oh so weird to feel her head and little hair.
I did not do it twice!
I pushed again and I saw helena looking at the clock.
Damn clock before my eyes, all those hours ticking hell's away to meet my daughter Paradise.
To feel appeased.
The pushing lasted for an hour which is way too long!
It really worried me, final push and then Nina somehow came on her own.
Not without pain.
Got a big tear.
When the midwife said so, I was utterly depressed to think of all this implied.
I mean she could have said, oh you got a little tear, everything's fine.
But the sound : big tear , felt really bad and in her woman's eyes I knew it was bad.
I cried a lot about this.
Of course I cried a lot during the labour too.
I cried because of not being able to deal with the pain anymore, I was on my knees.
and then I cried because of taking the epidural.
Later I cried telling sebastien that I would never be able to re-live this and I want children so bad, but I just cannot re-live this!
I cried telling him : I won't be able to have any more kids!
It just broke my heart.
Because this desire is real, I adore children, I am blessed to finally have my Nina here. It's wonderful.
She's my dream come true.
So the midwife put my daughter on my stomach.
I remember seeing her coming out of me, suddenly and being in my hands, so tiny and a rather sticky but no blood on her little body, she was just blue violet because she needed to breathe first.
I remember her first cry, so very heartbreaking.
But no relief, no apeasment for me.
I did not even see sebastien cutting the umbilical noose.
I had like some kind of black out, due to the deep fatigue and of course the real trauma this long labour and birth was to me.
I of course can be blame on my idealism and romanticism, I wanted birth to be the perfect time of my life, I wanted it to be the most beautiful day in my life and even with how awful it may sound it was not!
definetly not!
It was just Hell, nightmare,pain and pain again, in my body, in my soul and in my spirit!
I was truly all cut, torn and fucked up.
Along the process I lost touch with life, I was in the dark and I remembered the taste of depression and I felt : I am going to fall back into depression after this.
Because I met such a huge desillusion.
I truly wonder what was the meaning to be found in this?
I am not at all somebody who believe in prices to pay!
It sucks!
it's stupid and sounds religious!
As if I have to expire my sins?
what the fuck.
Yes I did pray Jesus and Mary, Kwan yin too,Diane, archangel Michael...
But I don't believe there should be a price to pay.
Maybe it makes us feel so marked deep in our flesh that we will never take this role as mother for granted and also this life, from now on, we know how death and birth are close brothers like Pina kollars says in her beautiful song "bring me a biscuit"
Now I surely will cry my heart out listening and singing to this song.
I remember when I first heard this song in summer 2003, I was at seb's home, we were young( yes we still are) and I already had that big yearning to be a mother and that song came to me like it was meant to be, I felt understandood.
I could imagined how beautiful it was to finally be a mother.
Who would have thought I'd have to wait another 7 years to meet my daughter and enjoy this beautiful feeling?
Such a long journey right?
So much pain to this.
the waiting of all these years,the miscarriage in April last year, so much time, so much pain, the disappointment of pregnancy and the huge delusion of birth...
Finally even if I did feel crappy during the labour and birth and sort of ashamed to have taken the epidural I am still a fucking warrior.
In spite of this.
Of course during the birth I lost all self trust, no more confidence.
I was just going to die, because I sucked at living pregnancy and even was so much worse at giving birth, what a shame ,what a thing to live when in all your feminine fiber you are meant to be a mother, because you have so much love to give, because you can feel so much...
It's also perhaps because I am an hypersensitive person that I felt it all so bad and deep in my flesh.
It was not over.
I did not feel the beautiful feeling having Nina on my chest.
I was too tired to really be there for her.
I kept apologizing to her when she cried: sorry Nina, I am so sorry!
I was sorry to have taken the epi and that the whole pushing process took so long.
How did she live this?
Did she feel my anxiety?My fear? My despair?
I just hope she did not feel my pain.
seb took Nina and wonderful it was time to deliver the placenta.
and yay for me, it did not came complete so the lovely midwife had to go with her hand deep in my uterus.
I am already grateful that they always kept me aware of what they were doing, it was reassuring to know.
I knew it was better for me and to avoid hemorragy.
But she did not go once but several times and for your soul it's pretty disturbing to feel something going inside you this way.
The epidural effect had decreased
it was not that painful but very unpleasant and disturbing
I wanted to finally be left alone , to heal, to breathe!
and again not over.
After this it was time for haute couture!
It seemed to last for ages!
the midwife began to sew me back and I did feel the needle
not too painful but very unpleasant.
then the doctor had to came to finish the job, he sewed more quickly than Helena which someone was good because I knew it would finally be done.
but it's something so strange to feel the needly there, you know that you are still anesthetized but how is going to feel when the pain wakes up?
I knew it would be so bad.
I cried again.
Helena talked to me to reassure and cheer me up.
She was very understanding, knowing I had been through a real trauma that things did not went so well and that I have had such bad luck, I went from Charybde to scylla as they say.
so then after I tried to come back to myself,if this could be.
I gave Nina's first breastfeed in the birth room which was the most reassuring and finally soothing moment, bonding with her finally, meeting my daughter and being there for her.
I then thought of doing such a picture, could have been much better with more trying and time, but it's done in the moment I guess.
I had that word coming to me : warfield.
that's definetly how my body felt, like a warfield.
So it implies the raw aspect of this picture, the pubic hair is not a show of sexuality but the bare real & somewhat abandonned girl zone after the rampage.
This is a self portrait definetly not as a matter of ego but to express the emotion undergone.
Not meant to be pretty or found desirable at all.
I had to fight with anxiety ,despair ,fear and all to give birth to my daughter.
I also was at war with myself,I had not taken the right weapons, I felt powerless, lost, I doubted my strength and then my ability to be a good mother.
I did feel like a failure, and for the two following day I was rather depressed about this, I cried a lot everytime I would talk about the birth.
I even had the opportunity to talk to two therapists which helped me.
I felt I had so much to vent.
So my bday was not a rebirthday...I did not feel happy, I was still under the shock & could hardly recognize the woman in the mirror.
I felt dead & cold in my heart but of course I was always brought more back to life in Nina's eyes.
I was deeply moved by her beauty.
I was sad at the idea of losing her.
In the middle of the night at the maternity I would note ideas & titles, thins that would definetly help me cope with this & get back my confidence, my hopes & my trust in life.
I remember thinking during the labour, this year should be mine, I was going to be happy finally, really happy & balanced.
But I saw all those images of happiness fading away in my darkness, being swallowed by the pain & desillusion.
Finally I am healing with no therapist( not out of pride but rathe laziness & fatigue to go there)
I have felt like showing my body & how it's been damaged by pregnancy & birth.
Unashamed as always and surely not vain or too worried about my appearance.
I am a woman who loves to be pretty and sexy, but after all I have lived lately, things are still a bit different.
I will still enjoy this, to wear eccentric and original sexy clothes, to put make up and feel pretty and young again ;)
but it's not the most important, I am fine with the way my body is, I did not feel depressed at the little belly, I am sure I will get my thin body back.
I am not worried at all.
I was even surprised and a little annoyed when my father was the most worried about me still having a little belly!
as if it was that important!
he has a belly too so what? :P
I am rather worried about the insides and the fact I will have to do perineum reeducation, it just sounds really unpleasant!
okay only 10 sessions but still I just fear it's going to be a little painful and tiring!
ha! the fun of after birth is not over!
but about 12 days after the pain of the tear finally decreased, and now I can say I am not hurting anymore, it's rather itchy at times, surely because of the sewing!
Trauma : collapse and fall (in love)
It's raw & real like I have always been.
Because it's easy and worthwhile for me to show the bare truth, body and soul, the humanity we all bear underneath it all.
we're all the same and unique.
I love my ability to be this very honest, it is oh so freeing!
Such a deliverance!
Knowing you are human amongst us all, belonging, relating,connecting, interacting, and reaching souls who have lived the same, or can understand what I have lived.
luminous maelstrom of blows & cuts
I'm bleeding glows
I'm bleeding love
Should pain mean : life
Should blood mean :love
why does it feel like a rampage deep in sacredness
rip it off rip it all rip some more
till enough is enough
is it ever
shaky legs
I do not belong here anymore
I leave my body on the table
heart so cold swimming in sweat
bring me water please
humid respite of seconds
For ten hours of burning and cutting and bleeding and dying and needing
some love some light
Jesus
Mary
I can't be alone in the darkest darkness
How weak and ugly when you fear your fear is greater than your love and faith
I burry myself with black and blazing thoughts
Show me how brave you are my soul
When my body is a load of lead tattered and torn
You cannot imagine this pain
I now know
Because it's just beyond understanding
surely like this love
sure like this amazing love
When I'll be over with this set of pictures,poems & soon paintings(hopefully)
I know I will have digested this trauma & it'll just be a moment of my life, a piece of my story & I could surely say to people that this was the hardest time of my life & I have never ever suffered this much( I deal much better with soul pain, but when you add each pain, soul, body & mind, & more pain to pain then it's tricky to handle)
Yet this is very strange & perhaps masochistic( honestly I hate pain!)but this hardest time was definetly worthwhile & I would go to hell & back again to fetch my daughter, because it's her I've ever wanted , it's Nina I've been waited for along those years.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for Nina.
I love her beyond words & it's my most important wish for her to feel loved & know I will love her always no matter what & be there for her.
Do you know she already laugh to the angels in her sleep!?
This is just so adorable, I wonder what she is dreaming of & what makes her laugh:)
