dimanche 16 août 2009
Healthy Heartbeat in Utero
We are happy we are overjoyed but to be totally honest right now it's still not so easy for me to feel the joy for most of the time I am super sick, queasy a lot especially when I'm on the computer
I wake up about 4/5 times each night to pee and enjoy some nauseas ^___^;;
wonderful!we're having fun!
sometimes I'm joking a bit telling my little rainbow baby" okay now I'm not sure you and I will get along if this keeps going on for ages!"
of course I am joking. We were so blessed to be pregnant again only two months after the painful miscarriage.
The first month of pregnancy was very depressing, I mean I was super happy to know very soon like I felt it.
But I got depressed because of hormones for sure and me thinking of life, future and all the things I have failed instead of being positive and looking at all my successes, wonderful ventures, everything I have managed to do because I just wanted it.
I am very aware now that I have a lot to be proud of but well beginning of pregnancy can be this way.
You worry about how you're gonna provide for this child etc, you just want the best for your baby and family.
I felt also very sad ,guilty and angry at myself about things I have done, mistakes and all.
But I am quite relieved now that I have totally erased pieces of my past.
What I cannot love I just erase and never come back there again because it's much better this way.
Also like the saying says if I have had known what I now know...I surely would not have done such mistakes.
But life is a place of learning so it's always good, this is how we grow.
And Goddess knows how much I learnt and grew in this year 2009.
I am really different from the person I was in 2008, I am the same too in some aspect of my personality of course :)
but things evolves and it is great.
I am enjoying being 30!
and I cannot wait to see my baby again.
We first saw our little pisces baby on august 1st
my darling sebastien came with me which I appreciated a lot.
We've been so much closer and happier this year which is wonderful.
We saw the tiny heart bumping, it was so strange and fascinating!
Ha! but of course it was too short!
the image was in my mind for many days and everytime it brought a huge smile on my face.
I never had the chance to see an embryo at the first pregnancy because my first u/s was too early and it was way too tiny to see anything at all.
So it was a big first time!
it's big head, little body, fascinating to know it's inside me,growing.
I of course was very stressed to wait and see but I have tried hard to be positive as much as I could.
There were days of big tears because I could not handle the waiting and the worrying of the evil what if...
I have banned them now!
I keep positive affirmation in my speech as much as I can to bring good things to me.
There is much more communication, sharing and quality time together which we enjoy.
Our couple have definetly got stronger after all we've been through in 2008 and 2009.
Lately also seb grandfather died and this news in the early morning just totally broke my heart.
I even cried before he said the words.
I guess I cried for him.
Death really shake you and of course reminds you all your loved ones who had died before and how much you miss them.
Death reminds you how much you have to be there here and now for your loved ones.
Family matters a lot.
It's for me one of the most important!
That's why I am so eager to have my own little family:)
I felt how strange 2009 was.
I mean I understand more and perhaps at the moment accept more the fact that death is a part of life but really the fact you cannot change things.
it's done, like over you somehow down here made me really sad for some reasons.
We owed his grandfather a lot for this I am very grateful.
I have stopped painting and producing much art of any kind which is why I am really hard to reach these days, I am just resting.
I am sick most of the time, I have some nap in the day, I have lost weight so I am really energyless and it's something hard to bear at times.
I am a cerebral and compulsively creative person but these weeks I have really slowly put the artist self in brackets because I just can not think or do very much.
I have found a new passion: I am cooking!Yes indeed ^___^
but as soon as the nauseas appeared cooking became less and less interesting as food is not my fancy these days!
Except SUSHIS and I keep thinking of this obsession night and days, yeah it's insane.
I try to find excuses, to think listeriose is very rare and sushis are so healthy and easy to digest
I am truly frustrated.
I have seen many women have eaten sushis and some in Japan still eat sushis while pregnant, so we'll see.
Maybe I'll play the safe card at least for a healthy baby.
but sometimes the long list of all the things pregnant women should not eat is really boring and maybe too much.
I would have a lot to say about all the things I have done , discovered , loved and all during June and July
like wonderful movies that made me cry : The strange story of Benjamin Button , that I surely have to watch again.
Surely my most favourite film in a long time!
I just adored the idea, the emotions and how it was made, a real work of art/heart!
I just cried my heart out at the end of the movie.
Marley and me
that was a movie that made me think : Life is beautiful because it makes you cry.
I felt it was so real, true, just the life you know.
With human being having behaviours that truly were real, good actors!
I really love Jennifer anniston.
In the movie the girl has a miscarriage so it felt really close to my life, I could relate a lot and it gave me Hopes!
and a few days after watching the movie I knew I was pregnant again!
I loved how it talked about the real life with emotion but not too much, and how our pets are really a part of our life, they remind us our past and all the things we lived together as a couple, a family!
I love this!
I don't like dogs very much and people can first think it's cheesy, but I don't know it was so well done that it makes it very emotional and real.
Sebastien and I are going to get a PACS which is often seen as a gay marriage here in France because it's the only thing allowed to them alas but for us it's like a pre-wedding, a way to renew our engagement and have the same rights of married couple without paying the whole thing because first we cannot afford a wedding now or at least not the wedding we want but also we both want our children to be there at our wedding.
Family is what matters the most to me and I think it must be so beautiful for children to live this moment of their parents celebrating their love after many years of being together :)
It's exciting and a thing to look forward ;)
We'll surely get married in about 10 years.
I love this idea.
The only thing I regret about this is that our loved ones will be older and some might not be there, but hey who knows!Let's be hopeful!
anything is possible!
voilà some sad things and a lot of good news too :)
Just the real life , the way things are.
conversations with ghosts
Hey Ghosts why people can be so cruel and stubborn?
Don't call yourself a bohemian a hippie if you can be so locked up in your mind.
We cannot judge!
Oh Goddess!We cannot judge!
Hey Ghosts why will they blame on innocents listening to tv and swallow all the shit they are served everyday to believe this world is sick?
God no!God knows!
The way people can look like unhuman vulture easy prey rip a piece
no rest in peace
you're mean I don't know what this really means but you are mean!
Look at the woman in the mirror
Anything is possible
Like spreading lies for aeons past the tomb
Seraphims know the truth higher above those clouds of your dirtiest minds
Hey Ghosts why people can be so narrow minded
does that mean their soul has those very cramped alleys
Does that mean their thoughts is only black or white?
Give us some rainbows!
We need to colour their plates full of hopes
And a way to make them see beyond and behind
Don't be a sheep don't oh no don't be a fucking damn sheep
Ghosts are you there?
We are now visiting apartement to move for a bigger place.
I just really want to decorate a baby's room, I think it's important even if a baby does not need much room, it's also important for him/her to be able to sleep alone.
Surely the first month we'll have the baby in our room but then we'll try to let him/her sleep alone.
I am not someone who wants to have the baby attached to me all day/night long
I think what is healthy is to have a close bond to your baby and still have your love life, be a couple :)
I will always preserve that.
I love sebastien so much and I am so happy of the future ahead for us.
Of course I don't know it all but I am confident, I trust life and I know it'll be fine come what may because we are together in this.
I am impatient for our new life to begin but I will try to enjoy each day :)
at the moment it's still difficult, well it's especially the night that I apprehend a lot because I hardly sleep and my body aches.
But surely the second trimester will feel better so we have to wait till the end of august :)
we are going to see our baby again in september for the real u/s which will last longer and many things will be seen and measured:)
I just cannot wait!
At the moment we're on holidays and it's great even if I am exhausted we spend our time together and next week we'll visit more apartments and also will have some fun maybe visiting castle and beautiful gardens.
We also may go to Disneyland Paris yay!!!
yes of course I wont be able to do all the attractions but I am not eager to anyways I am too much of a scary cat
I just love the atmosphere there, childhood dreams, it feels good, you feel you're in another world and you play like a child again :)
I don't know, it's my thing!
yet I have worked there and hated and it totally destroyed the dream ahah, but I just forgot ;)
yet right now when thinking about it I wouldnt mind trying again.
At the moment I feel more like entering the real world, having a job etc.
I miss socialising.
But a lot of exciting thing are coming for 2010!
baby's due for 9 march 2010
but maybe it'll be on my bday on the 11th eheh imagine that if it's a girl mwhahahahh
cannot wait to know!
We will understand one another so well ^____^
Many blessings to everyone.
I don't answer much emails and all in the months, because we're on holidays and I just focuse on this and being with my love.
I have begun penpalling again and I enjoy it , I miss receiving real paper letter and meeting a soul, sharing stories, memories and life moments this way!
Enjoy your summertime!