jeudi 10 septembre 2009
Rainbow baby we're so Happy!!!
Here is the first official u/s
It's still amazing to know I have a baby, a life inside me :)
Sebastien was very moved.
I was grumpy and frustrated not to know the sex, I was so impatient!
I want to get a name, I want to give an identity to my baby not just to call him/her baby for another 3 months!
We tried to guess but really it is not easy we surely will know in november for now.
Patience,patience...because maybe we wont if baby does not cooperate!
Ha! I know I know, the most important is that everything is fine,baby is so alive, moving a lot, kicking, I cannot feel it, though sometimes since I was 2 months and a half I thought I could feel the moves...we'll see later.
most women feel their baby around week 19 I think.
I'm 14weeks and two days, next tuesday is the end of the first trimester...gotta get the Chempaumiiiiiiiiiiii!
I want to feel good, I want my energy back, I want to feel like doing things
I am mostly dragging my body though I have some days with feeling better and I dont have nap everyday now!
I would say I'm feeling a little bored because I dont want to do anything.
taking pictures or painting would require too much energy.
I haven't painted since late june I guess?or was it july?
I can t remember!
I dont even know if I can paint again ahah, I feel so different.
I am more focused on my real life, my love life, my pregnancy than art and such.
I am even thinking of stopping my art business now seriously.
I will take my decision at the end of this month.
I am pissed off with the organisation at La maison des artistes, nothing is clear, everything is complicated and I haven t received my tax declaration so I wonder should I be worried?
I know I wont pay tax but I have surely other things to pay and when I contact them by email they dont take the time to answer, that's great, vive la maison des artistes j'adore!
Anyways art business was not meant for me, I mean I loved all the experiences I gained for this venture, it was a lot of hard work, a lot of energy, time and all.
I know on a resume I can write a lot of what I have learnt from this time as a self employed artist, so I dont regret anything.
But I don't regret my artist life at all, it was fun, full of surprises, passion, I grew from this, I gain confidence, I got my successes, I did a lot of things, got published several times, published my own book, sold art worldwide :)
a lot to be proud of.
But my life is evolving and I want to dedicate my time to my priorities so I guess either I will find a job or be a stay at home mom.
Later I'd like to venture Photography, but I guess I'll have to deal with the maison des artistes again...I wish I could start a business more easily...
and I will see first many things, how to deal with motherhood etc.
I know no matter what I will still be a creative being because it's in my soul ;)
and maybe I will paint again soon who knows?
I go along my heart's desire :)
I love the idea that I'm spending less time on the internet.
As an artist to sell and to always produce you have to spend a lot of time online, to share, to contact and such...
I used to be so addicted to internet and also to flickr!
I still go there, but I really got the feeling that it'll soon be over :)
I guess I want to be more in the here and now and to go out instead of the recluse life.
It's great because we're gonna live in a real city so going out will be easier than here in Houdan where there is nothing but we'll surely miss our little hanging out in the lovely countryside along the river, it's so beautiful!
a wonderfully romantic place, so quiet and all.
The moving will be a real change!I am so eager for it!
to decorate the new place, to tidy the baby stuff my sister gave us:)
aaah it's gonna be great:)
I enjoy so much to have these baby things at home because it makes things more real to me , it's moving, it's so cute:)
we're moving this month :)
it'll be a wonderful time to throw away my past and all the things I don't need here!
we all keep so many useless things and say oh but well maybe later I could use it for this or that!
we never do and years after years ,moving after moving we drag the same useless things
I have to be more sensible and practical now;)
I love listening to songs singer wrote for their children, so if anyone wants to make my day, you can give me a mix cd or via email of songs like these:)
I already have of course tori amos's songs:)
I have one song by Pina Kollars that is so moving;)
I remember the first time I heard it in 2003 I guess I was so moved I could feel it, I remember how much I was craving to be a mother already!
time, time, time...
I believe to create a life gives such more depths and meaning to our life!
And I know I was meant to love, to give and take care so I am happier than ever!
In fact I am often all surprised and have a hard time to realise my dream is coming true I'm going to be a mother...I guess when I'm going to feel the baby that's gonna be more real;)
I will sing to her:)
there is also this song by alela diane
oh my mama
I don't remember singing with my mother at all, but I remember singing with my grandmother Eliane, she was great,I think she's the one who made this passion for singing grow in me:))
I hope to sing with my children:)
I am eager for all these things all the first times, singing my baby to sleep, reading stories yay Faery tales!!! ^___^
painting together,cooking cupcakes together:)) all these things, real pure life:)
Sometimes I am surprised that people dont marvel enough on this existence down here and dont take their chance to LIVE fully.
It's such a pathetic cowardice not to live it's so easier in fact...
if you had known what you now know
Would things be any different
would you have done the same ugly mistakes
would you have lost and found yourself
would you have been wiser
Twisted roads made you learn
Mistakes are paths to spiritual growth
You know where you dwell
you know where you belong
When you've searched for home in the wrong places
In the swamps in the forests where the trees make no noise when they die
We hurt to understand
We fail to succeed
We love we hate to love again
To love better
We sacrifice pieces of who we are in the name of illusions & lovely lies
But this way truth can be told truth can be hold
And all the most beautiful words that you thought you'd never touch
Can be felt gliding like shimmering waters under your finger
If you had known what you now know
would you still think the same
would you have cried any less
Aren't tears a way to be real in a moment
facing one self the naked soul
That's beautiful to remain pure in spite of all the delusions and meeting with wolves
dark gobblins who think they are pirates and all that bunch of mirages
the chariots are black like their hands inked deception therein
We sometimes give our light for cheap but we keep on learning
The right doors to open to hallways to run and sing
With a feeling of lightness to feel so alive
invisible wings rinse the dirt rinse rinse rinse
we still need some time and growth to kiss the oblivion
behind me the graveyards my life is a garlands of poems(...)
The same place A new heartbeat
The same nest A brand new Home
Saraswati ripples and the water ballet has begun
Welcome to the land of True Adoration
Unconditional loving embrace
Wet eyes of Bliss's Dawn
Swirl and twinkle my little grace
can you believe this
Echoes and songs from beyond beneath and above
it aches my heart as the beauty invades my soul
So much light
scintillating as I hear the sound of her life galloping(...)
No more fear of void
Embracing and dancing with my words best friends
No more standing in line
No more waiting room
I'm over with the insomniac tightrope dancer in me
Dragonflies are gushing from my spirit
Awaken and freer as can be
Can you see can you see
The softness of being any and everything that you are
No more hiding in the attic
No more curtains to draw
No more chest to explore
and mine is forever a secret untold(...)
a beautiful sp by the wonderful Cari Ann wayman who let me edit it :-)
Ripples of poems we seem to be one as she dances inside
Finally a little hand
The softest place of dream come true
Pisces osmosis an ocean of deep emotions
We will mirror our loves and wishes
We will read it all without whispering
The most beautiful poem in utero
Writing my favourite story to be
I sing and dance to the sound of her delicate rhythme
What is your name can you tell me
Message of caresses sweetest understanding
You're changing me in the bestest way I could have imagined(...)
Be the Light that you are
You don't need the light they want to dress you with
You don't need the glow of their writing
It's the art of lying
In a bed of roses and dreams
You don't need the tinsels you're not their xmas tree
You don't need no wrapping who said you should be a gift
It's the art of pretending
That we can fly with squared cropped clipped wings
You don't need their mirrors what 's the use of being transformed
Into bunches of stars and chips that you're none
You just don't need to need
Your freedom is a gift
Careless and fleeting
Twirling no strings attached
You can't belong you are your own
Be the light that you are
Peel all the scratched tattoos
Who cares about that graceless ink(...)
Blessed be & namasté!