Despairelation?

"dora. [deleted] says:
what really depresses me? and if i say that sometimes i just come over so miserable, so sad... without a reason... going deep down and down... and if i say that even these moments give me pleasure, bring enjoyment... is there a reason why i'm so depressed now? why i'm veering between these depressive like moods and total elation? or maybe it's because i'm so self-centered, always in need to play a leading part and getting down when i get the role of a secondary importance?

i'm depressed 'cause i give more than i receive, 'cause i can't make my dream go on, 'cause i want to hold on to sth that will never come to my expectations...
i'm depressed 'cause the reality is much more different than i've imagined...
i'm depressed 'cause i did things i didn't want to do...
and i'm depressed 'cause i regret things i could have done but i didn't...

and i stop being depressed when i have no time to think about all these stuff.."


This is kind of copyright infrigment to take those words and use them here, but the day I saw those words at flickr around last november I felt such an echo in those words.
Somehow I could relate to Dora.
I could feel her soul. Her sorrow and I don't know who she is at all, but I hope she's feeling better off by now, though with such emotions, it's hard to find a real repose.

I loved reading her words.
she inspired me. I will surely write and paint on Dora, the Ghost Muse.

somehow easier to love to the ones who don't exist, imaginary friends,muses and all than the real ones who can cut you through & leave the most damage.

I say so but my heart is sick enough and unafraid to love more which is why I'm here.
you don't love? then you die.
easy as that.

I felt there was so much of her soul in this, I felt she was the friend who could understand me as I am with my extreme sides.
You never know where I am.
A moment I run with kisses in my arms the second after I only have cuts everywhere and I'm falling apart.

"My name is Hélène and I'm a non anonymous neurotic artist..."
"good evening Hélène!"
clap clap clap.

quietly trying to laugh.

I read somewhere a photographer saying: I'm a cynical with an idealist heart.

that's so true.
I often think cynism is ugly, hopeless and oh my , most of the time I want to turn the neck of these people.

I've had cynical friends.
I stopped being their friends.
I could not hear them anymore.
I wanted to slap their face and say shut the fuck if everything is so bitter and hopeless go die and leave us alone, let us keep finding some hopes and lights, let us do what we want to do , let us be mere humans!

I am depressed lately.very.
The more I hide it, the more it swallow me all, the more I get back to the most cynical inside of me.
It's my Adah's side.
The anger.

that's a real banshee howl.

When sebastien turned on the tv tonight I wanted to scream at the top of my voice.
I don't want to see that.
I don't want to hear that.
Fuck! how does this gonna change my life? how can I help the suffering there?
I can not.
shut this fucking box of crap off!

I try to be as much sincere as possible but sometimes I just don't know how to explain to my dearest friends how awful I feel inside of me because the day after I giggle or am elated for details, for nothing at all or everything.

I wanted also lately to be more private.
to hide my real life to people because it pisses me off how people talk about you.
I admire my friends who keep their private life for them.
I don't mind to share my happy moments. My loved ones.My family.the real me.
But I'm reluctant at talking about my winter depression...
My friends ask how I feel with such enthusiasm that I don't know what to answer.

either I ignore the question or I answer what I think they want to hear with the sound of the truth.

I believe people think you, I, are not allowed to be depressed.
No reasons.

I'm beautiful, so beautiful!
that's what I hear most everyday, yeah my ego can be licked but you know the thing with ego, the more you lick the bigger it goes...kind of cynic erotism ahah
it's past midnight I'm allowed.

ego is our male side I believe.
I have to part things, to be at peace with my sides.Siva.shakti.
destroy.rebuilt.cut through.nurture.
fall.spring again with lights.

It's so hard.

I've been crying so much in december.
some days I felt I reached the bottom of hopelessness.
This feeling. this void. this sight.
it was something stiffling.

but I'm beautiful thus unallowed to feel the way I feel right?
and if I acknowledge how sad I'm feeling inside right now that will make me be seen as week and it'll be equate to my work and I'll keep that so hard to leave label of the sullen girl.

It is true that I still can be hurt by those people's word.
I'm not just a photograph.
and beautiful? what does that mean in the end?

I love beauty myself so much that people can end up thinking I'm but vain when they love to hastily sum up my self.

I can be summed up, I can be label, I can be cut through, I can be seen as whatever the fuck people want to see me if it makes them feel good.
I don't give a shit really.

I know there will always be people who can understand and those who cannot enter your garden.

I thought I had to protect myself.
but whatever you see, I am more than this or less than that.
what you see is not me, but what you see of me, the way you look at me.

I also believe that if some people come here and read and enjoy the fact I am feeling sad then good for them, they dragged their asses here, means anyways there's interested.



We don't need your small god
Hell man go on your ego cruise and stop ruining our parade
with the boring ever heard I see through you
Watch yourself in the mirror and don't bother me with the light I lack off
Those who are they a bunch of parasite in my attic
blindfold my eyes
I don't need your crutch
I even walk much better barefeet next to the ravin with my ravens
I don't need to be stappled with your virtual paper wings flattery
why do you spend so much of your time to cut our fineries
why do you spend so much hours mocking our masks
Who knows the vacuity behind your own

****

I also believe that it's not depression that makes the art better.
I believe we are somehow depressed because we are artist, poets, thinker, deep souls and it's just something we can't avoid.
our brain never pauses.
thoughts run faster, moods too, everything is alive, so alive and we can feel and see everything with more acuracy that we express things with depths.

for some it's seen as intelligence, for me it's mostly emotions.
perhaps intelligence of emotions.

Or we just go play the game in the real world and fake it, many people can after , why not I?

I'm gonna feel better soon I know.


the words that goes with this image:

dripping stains what a scene
theatre of dreams of the obscene
Now that I'm dead where do you repose your soul
where do you breathe
Non existent wistful absolute
I am crawling on the walls towards the dissolute

come on you all made of careless paper arms
I had to murder my babies to stop hearing
all the rivers poured for nothing
How could I heal more How could I bleed more

was the food for the dust creatures never enough

I don't want to read that you need to read me
I dont want to live in your book
when I rest my head on these harmful pillows where the dreams never sleep
I nightmare and I scream how much I abhorre

will my sanity keep me walking amongst the blind ghosts
To be able to feel it all in this forest of grins
sordid manor of the chains where we only hear the hands

the clock of my heart is bleeding molasses
in the room next door with the drawn tattered curtains
another one begging for kisses
my soul my hell my vision of the cliffs
my transparent dress of bruises
is it real tell me is this real
are we only this
should we belong to this void

give her another ice lake to escape
speed your infatuated poison in my veins so I can't flee no more

all this cries makes me suffocate and I keep myself warm
to the cold walls of my attic
better off in the dark
better off even stark
Everything's lost even the words
even the sound of her voice
can you scream now
can you peak me now

all the slashes won't disappear
you can cut your head off
threadbare my heart
I am so alone at 00:00

come on you all with the glaring sounds
piercing our ears
oddities of the most melancholic lust
he repeats this is adoration
with her nails on the wallpaper

My eyes in the frame
still lifeless
a well of knots with devouring words
something to make you fall
something to show how unholy I am

there's no glue strong enough to mend your pieces
after my words

my hands on the cover
feeling braille
what the hell do you want
tell me which slice which cell which particules
No doors no bars anymore
it's all for nothing at all
help yourself
eat more than you can
talk your mouthful
of my dearest darkness(...)

**********************

I believe that art will keep on saving my soul and rincing all the stains of emotions I am trying to deal with lately.


Peace & Blessings to you.

Being is Bewildering!

MY SHOP for mixed media art & Phoetry

I created a new shop, to sell art print of my phoetry work and my original mixed media art
feel free to have a look if you're interested in purchasing something from me

Also if you are interested in something not there, just feel free to ask, I always accept commissioned piece for anything, book cover, cd cover, just a painting in the style you want to gift to a friend or special occasion, collage with your children pictures,your portraits edited...
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dear friends, thank you so much for having shared this year with me.
Your constant support have always been so meaningful to me.
I am reached by all your words of kindness.
Thank you.
I am wishing you a lovely end of the year with a positive assessment.
Mine was amazing.beautiful.
I have loved and learnt so much.deeply.
I am changed though I always have my old melancholly and wounded soul tendency.
I have grown up spiritually and as an artist.

I am sending you lots of faery blessings, may 2009 be even better than 2008.
if you hurt may you heal
if you're alone may you find the like minded ones you need.
if you are drained may your energies be all renewed in the new year
if you feel dead and empty may you rebirth with the light within to pour the best of you without.

I am blessed to have you's in my life.
thank you.so much.













1)I am working with "Light" in everything creative that I do(yes even in my darkest artworks)

2)I love being at home.Not only because I have anxiety disorder and feel secure but it's the best place to be to create, to write, to read, the dream, to feel fine.

3)I hate noise and crowded place, I am at peace in the nature, to inhale the divine silence and contemplate the poetry of the landscape and its details.that's what I love.

4)I tend to feel quite depressed in winter but in truth I am always stronger when I have to take care of others, I forget my own pain and mess at once when I really have to be there for someone dear to me that is suffering more. anyone has an offer?

5)I am everything and its contrary.yes it can be boring and surprising. but that's me.
I always live great elation and sudden huge despair. I guess it's just the way life is.

6)Passion/fascination/obsession feed my soul and make me feel alive...without strong emotions without life's poetry and depths I wither.

7)I love the freedom that creative chaos offers to me, it feels like I can always go beyond and it's the only way I can live this life.

8)I believe I am a soul midwife I can heal and bring the best of others because if they let me enter and phathom their soul I can focuse and make shine and grow the best of them. I know where light resides.
I'm a lightworker so to speak.(and yes the healer needs healing at times too, I am human)

9)I cannot bare those who lack Empathy. I just don't deal with that. I don't understand.

10)I prefer to be found intelligent and deep than beautiful and hot but I love the days I can prove to be both ;)

11)I hate the fact we are often reduced to the way we feel on a certain time or the way we can be perceived
www.flickr.com/photos/mademoisellehelenina/2403155192/in/...
people are rude with assuming they know or see through us.

12)I dream to have a villa in Tuscany, I feel I belong there somehow.

13)I dream to have my own artist studio/gallery, to showcase my work and sell it, to give mixed media classes, to have other artist exhibition and many other things. It's one of my greatest dreams. I guess I need to keep believing in this.

14)I have this capacity to live above life, I get easily bored in reality, like Anais nin I need to turn everything into something marvelous, I want to see beyond and I love to be in contact with the unseen as much as possible.

15)I am fascinated by women beauty (inside out) it's a deep source of inspiration, a real cheer up for me. I could not live in a man's world. I love my sisters.

16)words and kindness are the best ways to entice me.





some of my latest Phoetry:





kiss the gem
Up high in the twisted tree in a winter sky
swirling branches of poetry
We're not under the snow yet
we're not under the orchids
We make love to the sun still
sharing snowflakes on our tongues
ice skating with pleasure in your bokeh of true lies
more again please purest delights
Sugary lips singing iiieee iiieee
melody of sensual melanchollia
romantic touch under the shadows
will it glow so low
spirit in mine
A place to be where the smile of knowing
make the precious waterfall sparkle
like a new call for springtime birds
make art inside my garden
grow your flowers of time in me
Breathe in your echo see you are frayed of me
I'm a thread of your spark
leather lace and shimmering satin
make me fall suddenly
I can feel my nails deep in a new ground
I love the ache on my knees in a new mud
I am unafraid to love
never afraid to pour
another glass of glow


His huge legs almost crash me down
but he noticed me thank to my perfume
He said I smelled like poetry of the sweetest trip where time stands still and the heart too
I asked "Magician I need a brand new heart mine is aching way too much"
He frowned.
I know this did not please him much.
I told him" do you believe in healing energies, then close your eyes and think of this land inside my chest that you treasure undress each layers of my essence and kiss me there in deep with your loving energies kiss me heal me Now!"
I didn't cross those haunted woods and eerie swamps of memories for nothing at all
He bent to look closer at me wondering why I had a mask on my face
I said " if you see my real face you know everything that I feel you can rip me all and you know how many times I have been a place for rampage and landslides"
I loved how he stretched his moss green hand towards me
"come on I have things to show you"
I helped myself up to fit his hand
"don't you know I have a huge fear of heights"
"you're already fallen you're already damaged what can be worse now than all these things you've dared live through, besides I have such a pedestal and a thrown for you inside my heart that you'd better forget this fear of heights right now!"
I looked at the whole place from such a high view
He made me pierce the mist and fly above the trees
I suddenly felt I was home totally freed of my thorny questions marks and their very dark ink.

In the woods
near the lake
my soul for ever in his hands(...)



I may not claim the thrown of Polaroid art but with P. we're making great things.
we turn it all to poetry.



I always wonder how we can generate the yearning for those who don't need
anything but a tiny flickering light above their coffins
not too many flowers because we're gonna eat some underground
I told him play this way but not on the left for you know I know
I see through everything with my angelic naive smile of true lies
Dichotomy is gonna war
After all if you needed a person who can blame it on me
Till the day of my death I was called the fleeting one
read the epitaph they all wanted to write something on my tomb
fools and dead poems angels with a broken wings incapable to fly to touch my face
will it be a new game with a scary dark ways of enigma because I didn't sleep last night
The big eyes that you love so much wide open on the black ceiling
I wish I could hang some stars there
I wish I could have count my dying stars to fall asleep
If you are him find a way to not let me know burry every hints and details
And for Goddess's sake don't tell me who you are
avalanche of angry books and carnivorous poems
my flesh's still fresh they can heat me whole with some foolish luck from empty seas
Winter is their blessings
I hate the flowery drops on my skin I hate the finery of every mask
but she pushes me to get some new cards with my high prietress inside
shuffle shuffle dare to show me the tower
collapse collapse and what's left is the bare absolute truth that nobody needs
nobody wants to read or hear about it
come on shadows of mine dress me with chimeras
I can handle one more till I die once again or lose my sanity(...)


C'est écrit à la craie sur l'ardoise cassée
combien tu me hais
J'ai laissé au grenier les confettis des amours diluviennes
Le spleen avale les rares lucioles qui voguent dans mes veines
Ne me regarde pas
Ne me garde pas
je dors dans un placard de poupées cassées
J'aime le noir où recoudre les robes à secrets
Arrête de me voir effilochée
certains mots lacère ma féminité
papier de sucre glace trouve ta place
une aile encore
pour quelques heurts
pas le temps de saigner davantage
le printemps mon seul éternel amant
respire les fleurs de mes ravages(...)



I have the impression this year will reveal many new surprises and though I was so depressed in december I am feeling better and better each day, hope it'll last.
I am savouring this New Dawn.

and I always want to thank God/Goddess for all the blessings, the precious ones around me, the wonderful opportunities, the soulmates, the sisters, the inspiration and the poetry and passion that my soul needs to drink once a day at the minimum ;-)

Bright light to you guys!

Be everything you'd like to be! this should be The Year of freedom!
do shed your skin grow new wings and let go of bad memories, labels stuck to yourself, masks you wore to hide the best of you, erase self loathing behaviour as soon as it pops in, just liberate your spirit... we all have so much to give.


(published in Life Images winter 09 Yay!!)