lundi 17 novembre 2008
"when I create art I never suffer"(Anais Nin)
it would be good to find a sunbeam on the road today but there are days we cannot deny the way we feel inside.
On days like these I feel more disconnected than ever.
And Goddess knows how many efforts I've done to reach out,to connect, to enter, to understand,to learn, to decipher, to apease my soul...
I keep on oscillating between my positive thinking, the fact my Hope, my Faith heal me...and my forest of shadows where I'm dwelling for too many days in a row.
I know what really scars me deep is the fact I discard reality, its sordid fade taste, it's all so substanceless, insignificant at times...
I mean I hear and see people's life in the real world.
Their lack of passion, their lack of meaning.
their suffering too.
When I paint I don't suffer.
When I make art I am alive, I feel it.
Then why do I paint so slowly lately?
Fatigue,insomnia,worries, not being able to concentrate for too long.
God knows how I managed to paint a smiling girl:)
Guess my smiles are still there inside.
I did smile today in between tears.
I give maybe too much importance to my mood and thus I get myself manipulated instead of reacting at once and deeper.
I know I can do that.
I so understand my desillusionment and my love for this life, I know it should not be opposed but dealt with acceptance.
I guess I also spend more time when creating a painting so I work more on details and think about who is she, what does she has to say,how it's gonna have meaning.
I feel good to see the fact my paintings are growing, being more detailed and more alive.
I mean I'm only painting since almost two years
I began with painting over the pictures of my self portraits and then in March 2007 I let go and just tried!
I decided I had procrastinated long enough.
I'm making less collages and totally stopped the little vintage fairy girls
I needed to go further and I really feel now that I've forever been a painter but honestly I still feel very shy about it and I know I will keep on growing and developping my style.
On another subject I've been wanting to try again and see if I could connect to French people so I joined a community of people who love polaroids online.
I was really shocked at their rude attitude.
I remember people telling me they've visited my country and talked about the rudeness and the not welcoming ways and I must acknowledge that perhaps there are jerks everywhere sure, but even myself everytime I tried to get to know people here, to have this opportunity to talk in my mother tongue, I got really unpleasantly surprised.
I'm not saying all French are rude and total assholes but I met a lot of narrow minded stubborn or misogynists ones.
I can compare with all my English speaking friends,two of them are French but they are really different.
I am not sure if it's about the language or just a bad coincidence, but it's been now 5 years I've been using English more than French and I'm a lot disappointed from the lack of connection I can have with the people here.
Of course I know saying this will make me sound snob and whatnot, I don't really care now.
I love France, I am not just a French woman, I am a citizen of the planet first, I am not an ambassador of my country at all.
I don't care about these things much, I'm just saying that in my life I've been quite disapointed in my relationship with French people.
I believe in a way I am still hoping to make French friends here and now, but it's really scary the violent, rude and agressive rejections I've received from French men and I am not sure why.
I am lucky my love is an exception!
Still it's always a big disapointment to see people not being real humans.
It's not about being loved and naivety of everyone should feel at home but I don't understand insult for free and people making you have to justify.
This not right and there is no meaning in this.
It reminds me my teenage and the need of others to break another one because they are bitter, angry and frustrated about their lives.
For the more I think about it there's no pleasure in being rude or mean to another person.
Maybe it's all about Karma, what goes around comes around.
I don't take it personally , it's not pleasant sure, but it's not about me or the person I am ,it's about the image I convey, because how could someone hate me when they don't know a thing about me?
It's only the image they see of me, something that reminds them their own limitations or frustrations and thus I annoy them.
I also know my big mouth does bother people.
I have a hard time to shut it up when someone lacks of respect towards me.
But I can handle it better than before just that during a phase of doubts it's not helping much to have people out of no reason telling you meaningless and agressive things about your work.
Besides I really think we are no one to judge others work.
There are artists I don't like but I won't allow myself to say this is crap because it's absurd.
I am not snob I am not into rejecting or downplaying people and to set things clear I don't have anything against French people, I just noticed an aspect of their character but as I'm knowing and having the best around me, the ones who see the best in me when I'm doubting and putting everything in question I know I am blessed.
I have also sold artworks to French people but the more I work, the more I see, my work gets more attention by the Usa and foreign people.
It still kind of saddens me not to feel "welcomed" here but I guess I'm getting used to it.
I will still try to find galleries who will want to believe in my paintings or phoetry.
I will keep on trying to find people to work with for books and such.
I would just love to illustrate childhood books for an author, maybe it'll happen sometimes or I'll write mine ;)
I want to do more artist collaboration, independent projects that could open doors to greater horizon.
I am very often disapointed about the fact relationship with others are so untrustworthy or very fleeting, people don't take the time to get deeper and create a real bond, this is not something that surprise over the years but I am constantly surprised by like minded companions, fellow artists down here, who can have a human eyes on others and a word of support.
It's something that reassures me to know there are other artists out there who can also feel isolated at times and lack of understanding and connectedness with people around them.
Perhaps the distance does not really matter when we find soul closeness with others.
That's surely why internet is a great medium to link souls alike.
We attract them and we have this possibility to be in contact.
It may be something strange but I have real conversations with my friends who lives away from me, it's not mere chat, it's real friendship.
I'm also working again with digital collages.
I'm a photoshop addict,I love to create poetic design...
I've also visited the Château de Versailles when my parents came for a weekend.
Here I am the polaroid addict :) playing in the park of le Château de Fontainbleau.
I'm into castles this year :-)
that was a poster in Brussels street, I thought it was inspiring
my new camera :))
I guess I'm very fragile with my mood,I'm trying to go on,not like chin up and denial;)
but trying to find more understanding and bring more growth through this.
Days like today are very difficult but I'm undulating between highs and lows, I know where to find some smiles to balance my moments of sadness so I'll be fine.
I'm still very hopeful and I still have so many things to learn and to do so I cannot just give up now right?
Namasté my friends!