I'm in the 6th month of pregnancy and so upset that the second trimester was not like they say everywhere better in every way...
The more it goes the more tired I feel and it's even hard to walk...
We went to the gyno for another u/s
at least we got this time a picture of her lovely profile.
It's always moving and everytime I only think about my love for her I have tears in my eyes.
The baby is rather low and the way she said so did not reassured me so much...
she really said that now I really have to rest.
Of course everything is fine with me and the baby, but the fact the baby is low and the head looks down already, it's like she is ready to flip down and eager to meet us ahah!
I just needed to cry after the apointment
I was all worried and unable to think positive.
Thank goddess sebastien can do this for us.
I must say that I hardly sleep at night and Goddess knows why I took about 2kg in two weeks, out of the bue!
I am not eating like a pig at all, I am eating healthy and am being careful with all sugary things.
It's not easy for me to just put on weight like this, slowly is right but suddenly no way cuz I worry it's not good for the baby either.
So I am trying not to eat in the night anymore but sometimes I am just so hungry.
I also have anemia which is mild for now so I keep my finger crossed it wont get much worse.
I so envy the beautiful pregnant women who feel just fine euphoric and full of energy!
When my sister said it was one of the best time in her life, oh my!
I would not say it was the worse but it's really so exhausting and physical and weird too.
I feel a little sad not to have a great and easy pregnancy.
but I did a virtual babyshower and the little gift truly made me my day and cheered me up!
It's so adorable!
I am beginning to fill the drawers with girl clothes finally, it makes me smile and makes me feel so eager to see my baby.
This weekend was again so busy, not time to tidy so much.
errands, seb's father visit and then on sunday we went to eat at our friends where we live!
and it was un diner presque parfait ^___^
we had a real nice time.
It's really something great in our life now to have a couple of friends to meet and invite for lunch.
last week was very draining with too much lack of sleep at night and feeling bored in the day unable to do things,tidy and all...feeling so diminished in a way!
But anyways, my gyno said REST I have to be sensible and rest, it just sounds boring!
Last week I discovered that singer: Polly scattergood, I love her name, Polly how cute!
Bitter teeth and the wind in my hair
Twister bits of summer in my lonely box
22 novembers too many ceilings how many skies
The dark kills you never the dark kills you never
Can you hear the silence in the attic
The spirits are dancing eerie early morning chilly dusk
Who will remember her now
You just need to tape her mouth no sound no sound please
Even the wind has its dirtiest secrets
Burry me all that dirt burry me all the rotten desserts and those threadbare skirts
Can you hear now in the attic
silently behind you
the screams tearing apart each of the different path on your soul map
Et le sang sur mes mains fait du bien
nothing is ever unscathed
It's november bites
Harder each year
The leaking will be fixed with this touch
If I can forget to remember the hurt
Under my finger the words
The words the words the world to me
22 novembers it hurts
Music is always so good, such a soothing and inspiring company.
I so love English accent, so beautiful!
There is so much poignant emotions in her music and songs, I felt truly touched, moved and it was kind of a reminiscence of places I've been.
and to think december I will enter the third trimester, the so called worste trimester!
If I can be more tired oh well...
I just hope my daughter will be patient until at least late february.
Mes robes sont pleines de sang mais je ne peux pas m'en empêcher
c'est si bon
ces sentiers vermeilles qui m'émerveillent
La douleur quand elle n'est plus la mienne
je serre plus fort les noeuds
j oublie enfin ceux dans mes cheveux
Je tire plus fort sur la corde
Est ce que ça mord dis est ce sa mort
les petits poissons empoisonnés
I loved it when he called me cruel pisces
cruel cruel crude pieces
On s'allonge sur les cauchemars de soie
c'est doux parfois tous ces frissons d effrois
pourtant elle en vomirait encore ses tripes
des allées et venues des châteaux abandonnés des toiles d'araignées
Ma bouche ou la sienne c'est la même
le même goût des cafards sur ma langue
la brûlure du froid de l hiver naissant
Il neige sur les tombes
tombe les sortilèges
sous ma jupe des ciseaux et parfois des petits oiseaux
ils dorment je crois qu'ils dorment ils sont tout froids tout contre moi
en peau à peau contre mes maux
Je ne peux pas m'en empêcher c'est si bon
ce rouge amer quand tu fermes les yeux sur ton dernier matin
ça fait du bien
les draps raconteront tes sordides histoires de nuits infinies
c'est si bon la nuit
pouvoir arracher toutes les traces eaux fortes sur mon âme
sans aucune vague
Writing always make me feel so good, relieved and happy in many ways.
It's like running up the hills where there are the talking glittering lilac trees.
I feel home whenever I write.whatever it is.
Even nonsense, twisted words,dark dirt or lovely poems full of love...
I found that old pic of us and thought did we change that much?
and of course we did, not only physically but in our mind and soul.
Our soul are wealthy of all the things we lived all the memories we shared.
I am blessed to have all these memories with Sébastien...In the past I had begun a memory book in which I would write each of the best and sweetest of funniest moments!
There would be way too much to add now to it!
and alas our human brains are too limited to keep it all inside, memories sometimes fade a bit.
The seeds Of Your Higher Sacred Purpose In Your Heart
It's not so easy to show our pregnant body.Whenever I look at myself in the mirror naked, I kinda think how enormous by belly is and feel like Bibendum ^____^
it's not so pleasant.
But I am lucky to be able to play with photography to tame this new body and make it look as sensual as spiritual.
Anyways it's kinda sad when perv have to see and look at this as sexual when it's one of the purest kind of nude art to show women bearing Life.
I hope my daughter knows and feels how much we love her already.
I know she will be a very sensitive soul...
I can't wait to hear her voice, her laughter, see her smile...
This year I am glad I won't "boycott" xmas, I am even rather glad of it, cant wait to get my xmas tree with the sweet scent of chilhood dreams to it.
I'll just have to be careful with food ha!
But I have always loved eating, it's such a pleasure and now that I have this new passion for cooking good meals, it's really dangerous for my slim body ...well
I believe after pregnancy I'll get my body back.
I am lucky enough not to have stretch marks or anything so I just have to be careful, no more french fries and pizza, less cheese in pastas ;) and voilà!
It's a new week, I have to find ways to be positive and not let the fatigue make me all depressed and moody.
I have to take an apointment to the maternity to open a file and also to begin in december the childbirth classes.
I guess I will need seb to come with me everytime, I don't feel at all able to drive alone, I had another fainting episode on saturday before the gyno's apointment and it was just awful!I had to sit down in the parking before the shop, my eyes could not focuse on anything...lucky me a really nice couple came to me and they were very helpful and understanding, even the woman in the shop gave me a chair...I hope not to have this anymore though, it's so scary!( and well driving is not so easy now with the belly...but seb is not driving yet.
He has begun taking lessons with his friends so hopefully soon he will drive for me.)
a little more of three months to go...I know 2010 will be a wonderful year.
2009 was a year of endings.closure.And as always we learn so much in this.
2010 will be the beginning of something so new!
dimanche 22 novembre 2009
lundi 9 novembre 2009
I wanted to make a list of all the positive things about this pregnancy,because I am always complaining, repeating thousands times a day how tired I feel ahah, I guess I am not ready now to stop saying " I am so tired ;)" but I'll get used to it;)
not mentionning the pain in my poor little body ^__^;;
last night, well in the early morning I ached so bad I had to take a shower to apease that pain at 5 am... hey positive thinking I said!!! :p
-First thing is that my body feels even more feminine to me, more rounded everywhere and it's amusing to have such a bigger breast.
-I never have my feet and hands cold as ice anymore and I never feel cold.
-I take better care of my body, resting, putting creams, being gentle with it, eating more healthy, drinking much more( water of course)
-no more needs of much make up and foundation and even in fact I am not as much into wearing make up, the more natural it looks the better it is!
-I change in my taste for every and many thing it's very interesting,it's like living with more awareness,tasting,discovering new thing, being even more careless about what people might say or think ;)
for instance I feel more open to try new food I have never taste and I really love this because it brings newness in life to taste new thing it kills the routine:)
my life is really new in more than one way!
and also as for clothes style, I am having new taste and I keep thinking of buying a hat(like Michael jackson kind of hat) I am never sure if it suits me so well so I never buy it but keeps wanting it, so soon perhaps ;)
- I am more motherly and gentle than before, ha! when I shout and complain my darling would say the contrary, but in a way I am sure he sees this!
I have always been a loving person, but I care even more, I feel sweeter and more protective with the people I care about or the stranger who hurts and I empathise with.
- I am more stronger than I thought, I mean I do complain yeah I do;)
but really I also can hurt in silence I dont go so insane, I always tell seb" keep on sleeping!nevermind!" because I dont want to bother him and break his sleep.
I feel somehow complain makes me handle the pain and all unpleasant sides of my pregnancy better, the belly is heavy already sometimes when I walk but I am glad to carry this life,I will never ever take this LIFE for granted!
- I am more careless, everything glides on me, especially people's bad attitude and stuff like that;)
I am blessed with my love and family.
I still have my enraged side, especially when someone dares criticize my Sebastien, I show my lovely bat witch teeth, sugar blood sugar!;)
seb is wonderful he would just say leave them talk, he's always kind to everyone, no rancour, totaly not caring about mean people, never angry,never in a bad mood,never complaining,I keep thinking how perfect he is !
his only flaw right now would be not to drive ;) but he'll soon do that,I'm confident still hoping it'll happen;)
and his only vice is video games and to prefer to promote other's art and design instead of his and working much more on his.
he could do so many thing, publish a comics and so forth!
I so believe in all his talents and skills!
and even more in his becoming a father, I know it'll make me cry...
I have never met someone as sweet and kind to everyone,a pure good soul like it's rare to find, he's caring and I am so eager to see him as a dad.
so many wonderful pictures to take for sure!
really if there is something you'd better shut your ignorant mouth about his my love and family and perhaps also even my Soul, cuz you do not know me, humble humble babe;)
but really all my past, the pain, the disapointment, I'll keep making art about it just because in fact our dirty stories, our dark times can be very inspiring, thought provoking,making us think,and show how we grow to be our own individual, free and blessed, aware of our luck to be there and of all the things we have to share, all the things we've been through, all we've seen, all we've known, it can also help other change their life and not be trapped by the same kind of characters.
My most important point whenever I scream and bite in art( which truly makes me laugh out loud most of the time, because in a way people must say wow that woman! she kicks ass, she is violent she hates men she is angry better not cross her line etc etc... but truly I gently laugh when I do this, it's like the woman in me who expresses this is one of my best friend, we play together and have much fun "kniving male egos" the kind of male you would never want to be.
I myself am a man too.
I truly and deeply assert this.
My shiva and shakti sides make me complete, I have accepted the sacred marriage:)
I am aware of the man in me, very aware.
If I were to have a baby boy I was ready to joke about this, making a picture saying
" you've always know this woman has balls ;) but now she's got a penis too ^_____^;;"
Honestly I do not care what people think of my words especially if they want to misinterprete or think I'm too this or not enough that.
Like I said before think what you , I am glad to be me deal with it, be glad to be yourself for Goddess's sake!
I would never want to be anyone else, though in the past I wondered if that thought was not masochistic ahah ^_^;;
as for men well I mostly love them dead : Baudelaire,kurt cobain, Jim morrisson,michael jackson...
I am kidding obviously.
I think in the past I used to be more sensitive to people's bad attitude towards me, I just know they generate negative energy and I just have to find my way back to my own positive energy.
Even if I am even more emotional and sensitive since pregnancy I must say my emotions are mostly towards this pregnancy or everything good, things that moves me, touches me, beauty and kindness in this world.
Gosh baby is dancing, I should not put Britney spears aloud ;) ahah
Heart shaped box
let's try some nirvana;) sure my baby will love it;)
ha! I imagine us singing this together, that would be cute!
if it ever happens I would surely share this on youtube ahah;)
I believe Happiness is the best Art to share:)
because it makes other good souls derive joy and emotions from it and get inspired.
There are many mothers who I look up to and love their photos of their children, their bond to them etc.
I really hope to have a beautiful bond with my daughter because yes it is a fae child just like her mom, another pisces fae child ^_____^;;
sebastien darling brace yourself for the whimsy circus you'll have at home now ^_^;
- another good thing about pregnancy, I'm less vain;) ahah, naah I still love clothes and make up and all mind ya!
but I dont give a damn to wear what I found and feel comfy in and sometimes I go out with such a grungy eccentric style ,it makes me laugh;)
but who cares?
- I cook! Yes! it's not only pregnancy,but I am sure somehow I want to be a good mother and wife, to take care of my family, yeah a true desperate housewife;)
honestly I have always wanted to cook but I was not ready for it perhaps, right now when I cook dinner I feel like a grown up( laughing) it's so strange to me ;)
I just love food and eating, and there is creativity in cooking, and I can not stand routine, so the same for food!
I also want to cook healthy things for my child.
it pleases me also to please others with my food:)
- My faith in God(Goddess) is bigger than ever.
I believe in God deeply, in the angel, the good energies around us, the power of energies and how we attract like minded souls to us.
I have met lovely souls and made new friends, and I am happy of this renewal, always hoping for forevers in friendship:)
ephemeral is fine , we learn and discover a new world with others but when it lasts when we entertain the bond it's really interesting!
My faith is not like everyone, I don't go to churche, I do pray many different ways, I believe in Light mostly
I love Jesus.
Lately I have been more in touch with Saint Michael although known as Archangel Michael, I needed him to give me my energy back and wonderfully enough the next day I was feeling better.
I also talk with the goddess who protects women.
I never enjoy it when people say" oh you're pagan I dont believe in this, so maybe you will be bother, I am just catholic"
I do not care about this.
religion sucks mostly.
Faith is beautiful and it is good, powerful and whatever the God you're talking to, it does not matter.Even agnosticism does not matter.
sometimes you can have faith in something else.
What matters is to stay open minded, tolerant and never judgemental about this.
I have never understood the people who crash their opinions on you, especially when they dont believe at all and somehow they want to make you see they are right.
what is your point in doing so?
I do not understand.
But my faith increased this year right after my miscarriage strangely enough.
because I did feel surrounded by Love, the angels and God/Goddess.
I was not alone in this.
I have seen the way life is beautiful and how strong human being can be.
I have been able in this nightmare to find the lighted way to beauty.
My faith in God/Goddess have always helped me a lot and made me chose what was right.
well there is surely a lot more of good sides of this pregnancy:)
I am feeling more natural, like eating more healthy and being careful on everything I use,products to clean and cosmectics etc
I am thinking of the baby's birth and I want it natural too.
This is important to me.
just like my wish to breastfeed no matter what.
I hope things will go this way and be possible.
I still have to realise I am having a baby girl, my wishes has been granted, my dream will come true, it's gonna be the most wonderful day of my life.
I can't wait to meet her, to look in her eyes.
to see how she looks like.
We could not see much on the u/s.
We can be everything and unashamed of our emotions
we are not our emotions
we are not our behaviours
we are not our images
we are not what you see of us
we are more
we are less
we are beyond
and as everyone will keep misreading our soul
We cannot justify
But to avoid misunderstanding
let set things clear
I am but a human being like most of you (...)
that was my Halloween self;)
a painting of this summer that I finished recently
I don't like it that much to be honest
I prefer that one
I want to work on more twisted imperfect things
I want to keep working on the emotional
Emotions are LIFE.
these little girl pictures I did in June, make me even more eager to take pics of my daughter !
I want to scream her name, it's hard to keep the secret ahah;)
Ego lickers(I do not need you)
perversion(shhh I'm a witch)
control freak(I'm untamable)
living in denial
using feminine empathy to trap my sisters
narcissus momma's boy(I wont lick your ass)
fucking lecturers " if you know me so well tell me which hand I use"
raging testosterone why punching X into the walls
I am not made of your rib
this picture is a part of an artwork project called" Soul Laundry"
I love how art is a way to express any and everything beyond your own self.
I look at the works I did I really wonder wow how did it come to me like this?
It's intense the moment of creation, you are guided
I always am amazed surprised and say "I did that?" " I wrote that?"
I keep wondering what were the muses dancing inside my soul at that moment.
knives, teeth, bat wings...
of course little sister I believe in the real men, there are good male souls out there but I have to share the eerie tale of what I have seen(...)
Beware little sister, sometimes sugar can rip your heart and they hide behind their poet or artist attire to better disapoint you, they know the best art of sweet dirty lies(...)
well I guess I should call it my new controversial and surely polemical set because it surely does not please everyone
but give me my free speech and go watch other art that fits more your personality while I indulge in the freedom of artistic expression.
I don't always take all the credit of my art work, I thank my muses and the invisible spirits who guided me through the post processing of my images.
It's magical when art happens.
but it's not just me. we are all co-creators always.
because good music is better to share more than once;)
I am very eager to get tori amos solstice new cd.
People are tiring about criticizing her on things that are absurd, like they are not able to accept she has grown spiritually and could go on and on in circle telling the same things, she's a mother now, she has more to say.
People think she's gone on the soft side, well I remember smokey joe and I dont believe this.
of course she's softer somehow, motherhood is wonderful for this, we are more serene and towards the loving than our anger.
but she surely have still some anger towards many things that revolt her.
and at this time of the year, after such a strange year, I am pretty eager to listen to her softness, it'll be beautiful and apeasing.
2009 has been a strange year in more than one way.
A lot of deep pain,disapointment, ends, and the most beautiful blisses.
I have tears in my eyes when I think of my daughter.
I feel it's such an intense bliss to me that I need time to welcome all emotions about this wonderful surprise.
Life with all its magic of highs and lows.
I could not believe it!
Sebastien is so happy too,he wanted a girl too:)
Something you've been waiting for so long is near to happen, you have to be responsible for it.
that fear of bliss you know,it could be taken away, it could go wrong if I am not careful about everything.
It's not pressure.
I just really want to give the best for my daughter like most moms want.
There is so many things I want to share with her.
My passions for words, poetry,mixed media painting,singing together, reading her stories I loved as a child, telling her secrets about grown ups ;)
I want to be able to remember my own childhood and also to make a difference with what is important and what is not.
well voilà for the news!
The best is to come always ;)
Live & love before it's too late!